When dp social life takes over - wwyd

[Browneyedgirl8]

I’m lonely. Dp is arranging nights out with friends that leaves little time for us.
Example next week Monday night is his sports night - every Monday. Tuesday he’s arranged boys curry night, Wednesday work takes him away overnight. Friday another curry night with different friends. We have Thursday evening together. Weekends usually taken up with other sporting activities.
I am happy to see my girlfriends but occasionally.. once a week at most.

I have told him that I would like to spend more time with him rather than sat on my own. I think he us being rather selfish but he doesn’t agree
Aibu
We have been together 7 years living together for 2.
No dependant children. Mid 40s. Share housework etc. He’s not having an affair in case anyone suggests that.

My friends are married and happy to socialise without their husbands once a week and then do couples things.

Yeah but that's where the difference is, isn't it - your DP presumably doesn't want that?

That's not to say either of you are wrong, just very different in how you like to spend your time.

I would never consider asking my DP what we have on before agreeing to plans with others - especially if we never really did have much on. I wouldn't be happy to have to think 'I've already been out once this week so I can't do that" either. I consider myself free if we have no plans.

I would expect in your position for him to be out with friends no more than twice a week and one day at the weekend. I wouldn't be happy being alone or socialising without him for more than that.

But that's exactly what he is doing?

He only has 2 meals in with friends. The other night is doing his sport. And the fourth night is because he's away with work. So it's only 2 nights he's actually made plans for.

I think in a relationship you should want to spend time with your partner more than you want to spend time with other people - they should be your favourite person

This is really weird to me. It's healthy to have many people you want to spend time with as well as your partner, because no one can be everything to one other person. Friendships aren't things to toss aside once you're partnered up. Wanting to spend time with friends doesn't mean not wanting to spend time with DP, it doesn't work like that because it's not a competition.

Also fuck the idea of any man trying to give me a set number of nights I could go out and do my thing!

He's taking you for granted. The only way to deal with that when you don't have children to worry about is to book yourself a long weekend away (4 nights) at the last minute, giving him very little notice. Make nothing of it. Go see a friend ir even just go away on your own.

See if it resets the balance and makes him rethink. You may need to do it a couple of times to really get the message across that you're not always going to be there.

If it doesn't work then re-evaluate.

I used to have an older friend in her 60s who would jet off for a long weekend to Spain to visit her cousin whenever her husband got complacent. It worked wonders for her marriage.

Ah, but has he nor been like this for 7 years, or has it got worse with time? How much did you see him at the start of dating? You say his hobby takes up 1 full day at the weekend, does that still leave 1 full day together? That wouldn't be to bad to my mind, but that's just me. I'd probably see friends or go to the gym the other times he's out. One full day at the weekend and 1 evening a week, plus you sleep together every night, I could live with that, as long as the relationship is good when you are together.

I absolutely get where you are coming from. 4 nights a week with friends or on hobbies is alot when you are in a relationship. It feels like he is prioritising his mates and basically himself over you.

I too get wanting to spend time with your friends maybe once a week, but you want to spend actual time with your partner. Not unreasonable at all.

What about if you arrange things for say a couple weeks time, so he does his sport on monday and then you say you'd like to go to such and such restaurant on tuesday with him and cinema with him on thursday and then arrange something else with him for friday? If a friend then asked him for a curry would he cancel with you to go out with friend instead?
If yes, then I think his actions are definitely not matching his words.

If hes seeing friends because he had nothing planned with you already, I can kind of see where he is being blinkered on this. In his head, you weren't doing anything anyway. Not right, but if he genuinely thinks he prioritises you its the only reasoning I can come up with.

If he still refuses to at least balance this out with you, go out on the nights he doesn't have plans. Hope for a week when his social life is a little sparse and then go out every single night. Might be a little wake up call he needs to understand how you feel being left at home on your own so much.

I too think he sees you as not part of his social life. I'd feel pretty hurt if my partner did this on a regular basis. If he indicates he prefers their company to yours socially, then maybe you do need to consider walking away. He can then have his very important social nights whenever he wants and you won't be left feeling like a second choice.

@Browneyedgirl8

Next week is just an example of weekday nights he has booked in. He has one hobby which he does every Monday. He has another sporting hobby which takes at least one whole day most weekends.

Most of his friends are single

This is the first long term relationship he has had and the first time living with someone. I have been in a long marriage before. EA.
I do need my partner to put me as a priority and I do feel a little needy. I love romance and I want to feel loved. When he prioritises his single friends and his hobbies without factoring in time for us I struggle. I enjoy his company. I also like the odd night in on my own just not every night.

I have plenty of good friends and also work colleagues I could socialise with on a regular basis but I am happy seeing them once a week and spending time going out/away with my partner. I don’t NEED to go out every night.

I love romance and I want to feel loved.

I want you to know that you won't get this with him, @Browneyedgirl8

Maybe for a few days, or a week or two, when he realises it's "game over", but he won't change, and you are still in the throes of an EA pattern, even if it's shifted somewhat.

Are you in therapy?

Maybe you should accept a lot more invitations.

I don't think I'd say no, knowing that my partner wasn't going to be around anyway.

@cheeselover2021

I absolutely get where you are coming from. 4 nights a week with friends or on hobbies is alot when you are in a relationship. It feels like he is prioritising his mates and basically himself over you.

I too get wanting to spend time with your friends maybe once a week, but you want to spend actual time with your partner. Not unreasonable at all.

What about if you arrange things for say a couple weeks time, so he does his sport on monday and then you say you'd like to go to such and such restaurant on tuesday with him and cinema with him on thursday and then arrange something else with him for friday? If a friend then asked him for a curry would he cancel with you to go out with friend instead?
If yes, then I think his actions are definitely not matching his words.

If hes seeing friends because he had nothing planned with you already, I can kind of see where he is being blinkered on this. In his head, you weren't doing anything anyway. Not right, but if he genuinely thinks he prioritises you its the only reasoning I can come up with.

If he still refuses to at least balance this out with you, go out on the nights he doesn't have plans. Hope for a week when his social life is a little sparse and then go out every single night. Might be a little wake up call he needs to understand how you feel being left at home on your own so much.

I too think he sees you as not part of his social life. I'd feel pretty hurt if my partner did this on a regular basis. If he indicates he prefers their company to yours socially, then maybe you do need to consider walking away. He can then have his very important social nights whenever he wants and you won't be left feeling like a second choice.

Thank you for understanding.

No he wouldn’t cancel our date to go go out with friends instead. If he says he’s doing something he will do it.
I do believe that if we don’t have something fixed in the diary he sees it as he’s free to make his own plans.

Thank you for your comments

When he says he likes to be with you, and thinks about you all the time, or says that you see each other "all the time" (meaning, between 5 pm when he gets home from work, and 6 pm when he goes out to dinner with his friends), I think what that translates to is: he knows you'll be available to him when he wants to see you, so he feels comfortable with his access to you and doesn't see a need to maintain the relationship with active effort. In other words, he is taking you for granted. That is how I interpret his behavior.

I don't want to judge him, I don't know this man. But I think it is true what someone said upthread, that you know someone by their actions, not their words. I don't really count the scattered hours together when a person is returning from work and heading to another activity as "time together" because it's not quality time that you are actively paying attention to each other. I see the same grocery checkout clerk at least a couple times a week for at least 5 minutes. That doesn't mean we are friends. It doesn't mean I feel like our relationship is valuable to her. We just have interacting goals in the same place on a regular basis. He chooses to spend his free time with other people, not with you. So what he really enjoys is being with other people, not with you.

I don't really buy into the whole idea that him spending time with his friends over you is "selfish." He's doing what he enjoys. The problem is that he enjoys is being with them more than being with you. You enjoy being with him rather than being with your friends. The relationship is asymmetric in that you want to spend time with him more than he wants to spend time with you. He could spend more time with you, if you force the issue, but would he feel like it was a sacrifice, that he was giving up what he REALLY wanted out of guilt? And would you really be happy being with someone who felt that, by doing so, he was giving up what he really wanted?

I'm actually married to a man who is a bit like this, although it is his family rather than friends that he enjoys being with. We've worked it out now (or, we moved away from family for work and he has no choice but to spend time with me because he doesn't have family or friends here) and I would say it's actually a bit soul-destroying to be tied to someone who sees it as a sacrifice (rather than a joy) to spend time with you. It just chips away at your self-esteem bit by bit, to feel needy or nagging for wanting the person to actually WANT to spend time with you. (Except when sex is desired, then you're interesting. After that, you're back to being boring again.) So, if this were me, I would run.

But, it's your life. Only you know this person and what is really going on in your relationship.

@gannett

I think in a relationship you should want to spend time with your partner more than you want to spend time with other people - they should be your favourite person

This is really weird to me. It's healthy to have many people you want to spend time with as well as your partner, because no one can be everything to one other person. Friendships aren't things to toss aside once you're partnered up. Wanting to spend time with friends doesn't mean not wanting to spend time with DP, it doesn't work like that because it's not a competition.

Also fuck the idea of any man trying to give me a set number of nights I could go out and do my thing!

Agree with this. I don’t go out 4 nights a week (simply because I get tired easily and don’t have the energy) but I make social plans on a first-come, first serve basis. I don’t like with the person I’m dating, we see each other 1-2 times a week and I see friends probably about the same. But if I happened to be invited out by friends 5 nights one week I wouldn’t say ‘no I have to leave time to see my partner’, I’d just assume he’s a grown adult who can cope without seeing me for a week. I am more of his school of thought here that if I did live with someone (and I don’t want to) I would prioritise social time away from them because I think it’s healthy to retain your life as an individual and he’s right, the person you live with you see every time you’re at home. I would also want to plan date nights and trips etc but I wouldn’t prioritise that over my friends. Friends will hopefully be there for a long time but partners come and go!

Don’t LIVE with, that should say

The bottom line is that some people are happy to live like this - they each see their own friends/do hobbies lots and their partner is there for the bits in between.

Other people want to see their OH 90% of the week and do other things only once or twice if at all.

Both ways are fine as long as BOTH sides are happy with the time split. In this case you’re not happy. He’s not wrong but he may be wrong for you.

Go find yourself a more coupley person to be with.

You're with the wrong person-minipie has this right.
Me and Mrs. HR do everything together, I can't remember the last time I met up with friends as a singular individual. We either do things as a couple or with friends.

Personally, I think people who spend 90% of their time away from each other via career or hobbies/socializing are a bit odd.

I'm with @TedMullins and @gannett here I think OP....

It's perfectly healthy to see friends more than one slot per week, and it sounds like your making yourself into a bit of a Martyr here. Declining invitations from friends when you know your DP is going to be out, and sitting at home alone bored and sulking.
Book in a few date nights a week (in or out the house), up seeing your friends to 2 nights rather than one and use the other free time for some alone time/spontaneous things with family, friends or DP. Life doesn't have to be so regimented.

I also agree your idea of plans is probably different to DPs. If you think 'ah Tuesdays free, me and DP can relax and get a takeaway that day', without telling him this, DP might think 'Oh I'm free on Tuesday, I can join Bob and Dave down the pub for a few' and not have read your mind about spending time together. It's time to start getting some things planned

These 'partners come and go' is bullshit, some people live like Peter Pan and his lost boys/girls.

@hrpuffnstuff1 Me and Mrs. HR do everything together, I can't remember the last time I met up with friends as a singular individual.

Feck me, that's so unhealthy. I understand wanting to spend a lot if not most of your time with your DP, but I can guarantee that at least one if your friends does an inward eyeroll when they ask you for coffee/a drink and you rock up with DH. it's really sad when a person looses their individuality when they come codependent in a relationship. It's normally these people who go to pieces of the relationship breaks down as they don't know how to function as 'Sarah' rather than 'Sarah and John'

*apologies, you mentioned Mrs as your partner, not Mr.
*When you rock up with your DP/DW not DH in that case

If you guys had kids, I think obviously he would be being unreasonable because you would need help with them and around the house.

If you didn't have the money to have multiple meals out per week again this would be an issue.

However, it sounds like he is living his best child free life, and not actually doing anything wrong!

I just think there is a mis-match here with what you expect from your relationship.

I am sure there is a compromise to be found.

[quote LittleMissUnreasonable]**@hrpuffnstuff1* Me and Mrs. HR do everything together, I can't remember the last time I met up with friends as a singular individual.*

Feck me, that's so unhealthy. I understand wanting to spend a lot if not most of your time with your DP, but I can guarantee that at least one if your friends does an inward eyeroll when they ask you for coffee/a drink and you rock up with DH. it's really sad when a person looses their individuality when they come codependent in a relationship. It's normally these people who go to pieces of the relationship breaks down as they don't know how to function as 'Sarah' rather than 'Sarah and John'[/quote]
It may seem like that to an outsider but we're both happy.
I think 3 kids, a business, a full-time job, a full house renovation, a close family leaves very little time these days for others. Certainly no hobbies.
No one does an eye roll because they're the same. , .

I think the op needs more attention than she's getting.

@LittleMissUnreasonable

I'm with *@TedMullins and @gannett* here I think OP....

It's perfectly healthy to see friends more than one slot per week, and it sounds like your making yourself into a bit of a Martyr here. Declining invitations from friends when you know your DP is going to be out, and sitting at home alone bored and sulking.
Book in a few date nights a week (in or out the house), up seeing your friends to 2 nights rather than one and use the other free time for some alone time/spontaneous things with family, friends or DP. Life doesn't have to be so regimented.

I also agree your idea of plans is probably different to DPs. If you think 'ah Tuesdays free, me and DP can relax and get a takeaway that day', without telling him this, DP might think 'Oh I'm free on Tuesday, I can join Bob and Dave down the pub for a few' and not have read your mind about spending time together. It's time to start getting some things planned

No I’m not sitting at home sulking or declining invitations at all.

I merely would like to spend time with my dp rather than being fitted in to his busy schedule. I truly believe he doesn’t see what he is doing as wrong. He is happy. He is also happy with me.
My ea eh didn’t have any friends. We did everything together but it was a toxic unhealthy relationship. He was jealous of everything.

My need to be loved and thought about/prioritised may come from being so let down in my marriage. Who knows.

I do know that I love my partner very much and I really want it to work out. I love that he has interests outside of us but I also want to feel important. Making plans without me as much as he does makes me feel unimportant

@Animood

If you guys had kids, I think obviously he would be being unreasonable because you would need help with them and around the house.

If you didn't have the money to have multiple meals out per week again this would be an issue.

However, it sounds like he is living his best child free life, and not actually doing anything wrong!

I just think there is a mis-match here with what you expect from your relationship.

I am sure there is a compromise to be found.

Thank you

I hope so x

I don't think this is about hours or evenings out of the house.

I think if you felt truly cherished and valued by your partner you wouldn't mind how many nights out he had. I think you want romance and to feel desired and loved and important. And he doesn't give you that. And if he gave you that 2 nights a week and one weekend day you wouldn't mind what else he did.

You need to find a way to communicate this emotional need better than "I don't want you to go out for curry on Thursday". Can I suggest starting with some individual therapy?

I’m sorry to say that the more I read, the less optimistic I become

I would suggest that you are straightforward with him. Tell him what you want. Say to him that his actions don’t reflect his words

The fact that his friends are single is significant. Ask him if he would like to swap their lives for his. Because he can’t have his cake and eat it but if he values them more than you then it’s goodbye

You need to make him aware that compromise is at the heart of a relationship. A relationship is a package - it’s not a la carte. Sometimes men need to be educated ...

Ted if you made plans to see your friends for 5 nights in one week and took the view that your DH could survive the week without you, that's probably true. The problem comes if you were doing this most weeks and your husband felt like he was just someone you saw when you didn't have better plans. Partners we I'll definitely come and go if people don't make enough time to see them and prefer to be out with their mates.
I don't think that people should never see friends and I certainly agree that it's wrong to take your partner to all meet ups - when I see my friends I want to see them not their dp or their kids. But I stand by the view that your partner should be the person you value seeing above all others. I think there's something wrong when you'd rather be out with mates every spare evening than with your partner.