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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When dp social life takes over - wwyd

79 replies

Browneyedgirl8 · 21/10/2021 07:16

I’m lonely. Dp is arranging nights out with friends that leaves little time for us.
Example next week Monday night is his sports night - every Monday. Tuesday he’s arranged boys curry night, Wednesday work takes him away overnight. Friday another curry night with different friends. We have Thursday evening together. Weekends usually taken up with other sporting activities.
I am happy to see my girlfriends but occasionally.. once a week at most.

I have told him that I would like to spend more time with him rather than sat on my own. I think he us being rather selfish but he doesn’t agree
Aibu
We have been together 7 years living together for 2.
No dependant children. Mid 40s. Share housework etc. He’s not having an affair in case anyone suggests that.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 21/10/2021 09:17

Tell him his actions don't match his words.

Start to make plans that are for both of you, but where you could go alone if necessary, ie to a show for example.

If he takes the time to come with you, great.
If he doesn't, at least you know where you stand and can go alone if you wish, preparing you for the single life.

HollowTalk · 21/10/2021 09:20

It's odd that you don't do any couple things together and he does everything with his mates. You're in your 40s, are all his mates single?

AnotherOldGeezer · 21/10/2021 09:24

I was a workaholic part-owner of a business and used to work 6 days a week

Each Sunday I would say to my DW - “is there anything you want to do today?” (We had 3 children) if she said “not particularly “ I would say “well I might as well go to work”

Ouch!

If she had said that she was lonely and really missed me, and suggested something to do, then I would have probably reduced the number of days I spent at work

Part of the problem may be that he is just not a homebird while you may be. I could imagine that if you persuade him to stay at home he will say “OK what do we do now?”

There are many advantages in not having children, but a disadvantage can be that much more focus is on the relationship. And I suspect that the problem is that each of you has very different expectations.

Many empty-nesters encounter this problem - hence the many of them who separate or divorce

A key aspect of a successful relationship is compromise and this may prove impossible. But don’t give up just yet

rhowton · 21/10/2021 09:29

It will only get worse if you have children....

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/10/2021 09:32

No children, sorry I'd be off. I was married to someone for 20 years who spent every second doing exactly what he wanted. Bloody waste of 20 years. Don't be me. He doesn't seem to understand he is in a relationship.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/10/2021 09:33

Divorce petition in the post should wake him up.

Mybalconyiscracking · 21/10/2021 09:36

Can’t imagine that all those curries are doing a lot for his health, I guess that he is drinking most nights as well?

TumtumTree · 21/10/2021 09:36

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Divorce petition in the post should wake him up.

Especially as they're not married!

LittleMysSister · 21/10/2021 09:38

I think it depends if this is every week?

Would he usually be going away for overnight with work or is that an occasional thing?

If it's not every week then I don't think it's that bad really, assuming you spend the weekend together?

I wouldn't think much of doing a hobby on a Monday and then seeing friends twice.

gannett · 21/10/2021 09:39

@Mybalconyiscracking

Can’t imagine that all those curries are doing a lot for his health, I guess that he is drinking most nights as well?

The idea that two curries a week is unhealthy will be news to cultures where it's the default meal.

One of the nights out is sports and another is work so "drinking most nights" is a bit of a leap.

coodawoodashooda · 21/10/2021 09:40

@Browneyedgirl8

I’m lonely. Dp is arranging nights out with friends that leaves little time for us. Example next week Monday night is his sports night - every Monday. Tuesday he’s arranged boys curry night, Wednesday work takes him away overnight. Friday another curry night with different friends. We have Thursday evening together. Weekends usually taken up with other sporting activities. I am happy to see my girlfriends but occasionally.. once a week at most.

I'd love a partner i hardly saw! Not helpful. Sorry.

LittleMysSister · 21/10/2021 09:41

Is it every week OP?

This is key.

Mybalconyiscracking · 21/10/2021 09:44

I am not being racist, don’t be so bloody stupid. Most 40 yr old British men’s idea of a curry does not embrace spinach, Dahl and okra.. oddly enough.. and again these sporting occasions generally end in at least one pint in my experience.
It may be an angle for the OP to take, or not..

HarrisonStickle · 21/10/2021 09:44

I agree with the person who suggested going out the other three nights for a bit. See what happens. How does it change the dynamic between you, if at all.

I think you'll have a clearer idea of the relationship and of him if you do that.

WaterBottle123 · 21/10/2021 09:54

I think you need more of your own friends OP. Your partner shouldn't be your main source of entertainment.

I think 3/4 nights out per week is fine if no kids. But we're all different

Original poster

Browneyedgirl8 · 21/10/2021 10:07

Next week is just an example of weekday nights he has booked in. He has one hobby which he does every Monday. He has another sporting hobby which takes at least one whole day most weekends.

Most of his friends are single

This is the first long term relationship he has had and the first time living with someone. I have been in a long marriage before. EA.
I do need my partner to put me as a priority and I do feel a little needy. I love romance and I want to feel loved. When he prioritises his single friends and his hobbies without factoring in time for us I struggle. I enjoy his company. I also like the odd night in on my own just not every night.

I have plenty of good friends and also work colleagues I could socialise with on a regular basis but I am happy seeing them once a week and spending time going out/away with my partner. I don’t NEED to go out every night.

OP posts:

LittleMysSister · 21/10/2021 10:13

Tbh OP, it just sounds like a bit of a mismatch then?

I don't think it's unusual for people who have a hobby to spend a couple of days a week doing it, and to see friends once or twice on top of that.

If he wasn't away with work for the night, it sounds like he'd be at home with you Weds, Thurs, one weekend eve and one weekend day. I don't think that's unreasonable.

If you were to see your friends once next week while he's busy you will only be spending 3 evening home alone and one of those is because he's working, so actually it's only 2?

gannett · 21/10/2021 10:23

Is there a reason you don't want to/he doesn't want you to go to the curry nights? Getting to know (and maybe become friends with) your partner's friends should be fun. DP and I don't go to social events as a matter of course if it's predominantly the other one's social circle but he'd always be welcome if he was at a loose end and vice versa.

MarshmallowSwede · 21/10/2021 10:27

Stop asking for his time and you just get busy yourself. Be so busy that you don’t even notice that you see him only on Thursdays.

I find that when women get busy then unsurprisingly their men all of a sudden want to have more time with them. Just get some hobbies and don’t worry about it. I’m sure at some point it will change when he realizes that you’re also very busy. Men are weird in this way.

Closetbeanmuncher · 21/10/2021 10:28

He may not be having an affair but he is taking the piss, big time.

You shouldn't have to cojole someone into spending time with you ffs.

2020isnotbehaving · 21/10/2021 10:34

What would happen if you said sport Monday but Tuesday we go out for dinner. Then Thursday or Friday we go out and do something else? So you book your self in for 2 nights a week then he’s got 4 to arrange his social life?

It could be he’s going out because you don’t have plans. But if he’s reluctant to make dates with you but happy for mates you know where you stand. It’s good have time apart but not if you feel he doesn’t want spend time or effort on the two of you.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 21/10/2021 10:38

He’s an extrovert and you sound like an introvert.

Therein lies the problem.

Original poster

Browneyedgirl8 · 21/10/2021 10:45

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

He’s an extrovert and you sound like an introvert.

Therein lies the problem.

No not the case at all

We are both outgoing friendly people.

My friends are married and happy to socialise without their husbands once a week and then do couples things.
My partner doesn’t like missing out. He says yes to every invitation. My gripe is that I don’t feel considered. So if my single friends asked me out three nights in a week I would say yes to one maybe two if it was a special occasion. I would say to my partner, I have been asked out next week what do we/you have on? The third invite I would say can we make it another week I would like to spend an evening with dp…. I don’t think that is unreasonable.
The point is I wouldn’t just go ahead and book so much in without considering my partner

OP posts:

gannett · 21/10/2021 10:53

Book your own date nights in then?

I have to say I don't consider DP when I accept invitations. If there's something already in the diary that I'm doing with him then I'll decline but if the evening is free it's fair game.

If there are no plans apart from "sit at home doing not much" I'll happily choose a social event instead.

Aderyn21 · 21/10/2021 10:57

The best advice I ever received was to judge people by what they do rather than what they say. Your partner's says you are his priority but his behaviour says otherwise.
I think in a relationship you should want to spend time with your partner more than you want to spend time with other people - they should be your favourite person. So if he's choosing to leave you alone 4 nights of the week and all day on one of the weekend days, then he isn't putting you first.
I would expect in your position for him to be out with friends no more than twice a week and one day at the weekend. I wouldn't be happy being alone or socialising without him for more than that.
For me, if he couldn't agree to that, I would leave because I'd want to meet someone for whom I was their true priority.
I do think he's taking you for granted and if he resents giving up curries with his mates to be with you then he's not the man you need.

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