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Original poster

Friendship group - baffled

105 replies

butterfliesareblue · 20/10/2021 14:07

Hi!

Sorry if the wrong thread. I had a mixed group of 8/9 friends and we’d always do things as a big group. I am quite a quiet and reserved member of the group and I’ve had a few instances in the past where id feel a little left out or slightly disrespected/disregarded. I’d sometimes feel really anxious around them but I did have other things going on at that time.

This year I sorted my head out and things felt good. We all booked a villa holiday and I was so excited; when we got there it was really exciting and I felt really comfortable.

About 2 days into the holiday I got a really weird vibe. The girl I was sharing with was suddenly not getting ready in my room, and everyone seemed a bit off with me. I was being ignored at times when saying or asking something. I asked one of the girls if something had happened and I got ignored.

I tried to get on with my holiday and one day, as I was making lunch, I heard the villa door close and it went silent. I realised everyone had gone so texted the group asking where they were and they said “out for lunch, be back soon”. So I’d been left on my own??? There was also one instance getting ready to go out and they “didn’t realise I wasn’t there” so all left. One of the guys came and got me though when they realised.

Also, there were 4 of us girls on holiday and every single one of the 3 girls all uploaded photos of just them 3 during the holiday with captions like “love these two”. It was a huge kick in the teeth as I was in some of those photos and not once was I uploaded.

I did attempt to ask what was up but they all said “nothing”.

Unfortunately I was newly unemployed at the time (new job lined up though) so had to be a bit tight on dinner and drinks. Never moaned or affected anyone else. I did however simply politely request not to take part when they were splitting the bill (was about £30 each when I’d spent around £10). They seemed okay with this and nothing further was said. I don’t know if they just saw me as boring or whatever?

Anyway, ive not heard a peep from any of them since this holiday. It hurts because some of them I’ve been friends with for around 10 years. I’m genuinely baffled. I know I shouldn’t care but I’m losing 8 friends for a reason I don’t know.
I texted one of the girls yesterday, 6 weeks after the holiday, asking what I did. She left me on read.

I just feel like maybe it’s me? I have no idea and struggling to find closure as I have no idea what I did and I’m losing a lot of friends.

OP posts:
1001nights · 20/10/2021 14:26

Well, something has happened, but why on Earth don’t they just tell you what?

At the end of the day there really is no excuse for the way they are treating you, regardless of if they think you done something wrong.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/10/2021 14:36

My guess is that it was something also to do with the second sentence:-
"Unfortunately I was newly unemployed at the time (new job lined up though) so had to be a bit tight on dinner and drinks. Never moaned or affected anyone else. I did however simply politely request not to take part when they were splitting the bill (was about £30 each when I’d spent around £10). They seemed okay with this and nothing further was said. I don’t know if they just saw me as boring or whatever?"

These people are clearly not the nice people you thought they were and I also doubt whether you will get an answer from any of them because they are that spineless. They knew that you had been left behind when they went out to lunch and they had fully intended to go without you.

Original poster
butterfliesareblue · 20/10/2021 14:37

I honestly can’t even think what it could be!! Makes me think it’s nothing if they’re too cowardly to even say and leave me on read

OP posts:
Naunet · 20/10/2021 14:42

These people aren’t your friends OP, I think it’s time to cut them off. Friendships are meant to be positive, enhance your life and make you feel good. It doesn’t sound like that’s your experience of them, so why bother?

2typesofjungle · 20/10/2021 14:49

I had a really similar experience OP and fuck it was so hurtful to be treated like that. On the holiday I asked if I'd done something but everyone said everything was fine and then continued to exclude me (and my DC).
I left early, never spoke to any of them again. It was worse than breaking up from a boyfriend, so many mutual friends etc but I completely ghosted the lot of them and now, 2 years on, I can honestly say I'm much better off without them in my life.
It helps that now I realise they were racist, bigoted arseholes, but it does still sting.
I'm afraid in my experience, time and no contact is the cure.
Living well really is the best revenge.

Clandestin · 20/10/2021 14:50

Look, OP, even if you had done something on holiday that had been experienced as hurtful or irritating by the rest of your friendship group, actual longterm friends owe you an explanation.

But were these people ever your actual friends? Do you see any of them individually or in smaller groups? The way you depict the dynamic, it's quite large and impersonal, and you're a barely-noticed hanger-on who has frequently felt unwelcome, anxious or excluded? Do you even like any of them?

ErickBroch · 20/10/2021 15:36

Seems like you have inadvertently done something to annoy or upset people, probably the money thing? I am not saying you are wrong, or have done anything intentionally, but there is obviously something behind it. They are being very, very unfair to exclude you in that way. I can't imagine ever treating anybody like that, especially if it was just over them being 'tight'. Sorry OP, definitely not who you want as friends.

Deathraystare · 20/10/2021 15:40

I am glad to say none of my friends act like that. But then they are grown ups which possibly helps!!

M0rT · 20/10/2021 15:42

You might not have done anything.
I went on a group holiday in my twenties and one of the women on the holiday tried to create an us and them atmosphere with all of us separately.
We were not like that and just wanted to have fun and relax in good company.
But I can see if most of us were insecure or bitchy she could definitely have created an outsider to gang up on with very little pretext.
I stopped being friends with her after that holiday, she obviously had her own issues but I was getting older with less time to socialise and had no interest in wasting it on a bitch.
For your own peace of mind I'd delete their numbers and social media and concentrate on making new friends.

2typesofjungle · 20/10/2021 15:43

@Deathraystare good for you, but that's not very supportive to the OP. She's had a shit time because she thought she had nice friends but they were mean to her. While it's lovely that you've got good friends, implying that OP and her friends are childish isn't helpful.

bangonthedoorgroovychick · 20/10/2021 15:54

Some women are just horrible and bitchy and these sound just the sort!

You don't need people like that in your life! Let them have their group and move on, I'm sure the next person in the group will be singled out and bitched about soon and probably want to use you as a friend then...keep your chin up and move on! Thanks

TheFoundations · 20/10/2021 15:55

It is you. You are a person who doesn't fit in with this group of rude people who treat you poorly.

'Is it me?' is an odd question, because you want to answer to be 'No, it's not you', but the better answer is 'Yes, you don't fit in here. Nor do you need to... go and find better friends!'

Being a person who doesn't fit into an uncaring, insensitive group is a good thing. You know who they really are now, deep down, so guard your boundaries: don't choose to be around people who make you feel shit for being who you are.

Keepitonthedownlow · 20/10/2021 16:35

This happened to me when I was 19-21. One girl was jealous I had a boyfriend. Could be something equally petty. If they are nasty there's nothing more you can do. Did you ask them individually what is up?

IslaPineappple · 20/10/2021 16:37

Must be the money issue but weird they took it so far.

PinkFizz1 · 20/10/2021 16:38

@TheFoundations

It is you. You are a person who doesn't fit in with this group of rude people who treat you poorly.

'Is it me?' is an odd question, because you want to answer to be 'No, it's not you', but the better answer is 'Yes, you don't fit in here. Nor do you need to... go and find better friends!'

Being a person who doesn't fit into an uncaring, insensitive group is a good thing. You know who they really are now, deep down, so guard your boundaries: don't choose to be around people who make you feel shit for being who you are.

Absolutely this.
TheFoundations · 20/10/2021 16:38

@Keepitonthedownlow

This happened to me when I was 19-21. One girl was jealous I had a boyfriend. Could be something equally petty. If they are nasty there's nothing more you can do. Did you ask them individually what is up?
No point pulling it to pieces. They've all proven that they're unworthy friends already. Asking them why they're unpleasant misses the point, really, that OP just needs to dump them and make better friends.
TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/10/2021 16:42

If someone has been offended by you but won't tell you why, it is because they know putting it into words will make it ridiculous.

It could be the money thing, it could be something else... My guess is that they are strengthening their group identity by casting someone out, and you were the easiest one to target.

Yogawankonobi · 20/10/2021 16:44

I wouldn’t want to be friends with people that treat others like that.
Sorry that you have shit friends.

Nikkic2123 · 20/10/2021 16:57

Maybe they thought you didn't have the money to go to lunch? I'm not sure.
It's mean what they done and even worse they are not prepared to give you a reason.
There will be a blow up amongst them, then one day a disgruntled one will come back and tell you all, I hope you tell her where to go.

ChubbyK · 20/10/2021 16:59

Hmm. Surely there must be more to it.

Is there one of them that you are closer to/that is kinder than the others, that you could ask? Maybe there's been a misunderstanding or something has happened that you're not aware of.

Brightmagic · 20/10/2021 17:05

It does sound like it could be the money thing. If everyone was happy to split the bill apart from you, that would have made you stand out and maybe they didn’t like it.

I have seen threads on here where people believe everyone in a group should split the bill even if they’re not drinking etc. I don’t agree personally but a lot of people feel strongly about it.

Pea22ches · 20/10/2021 17:08

How old are you OP? 8/9 is too big of a group to be honest. Too many complications and personalities.

The girl you texted are you closest to her put of all of the group? I suspect these are not really your friends OP

IntermittentParps · 20/10/2021 17:15

Either they're upset by something you've done inadvertently or they're just mean individuals and behaving like cliquey teenagers.

I don't know what to suggest apart from maybe message the whole group saying 'something is obviously up; please tell me what so we can at least discuss it.'?

Original poster
butterfliesareblue · 20/10/2021 17:34

Thank you for all the lovely replies 😀 I’m glad to read all of them!
I am very close to one girl and have been for years. She’s the one I texted and she left me on read, so yeah, pretty hurt!

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 20/10/2021 17:40

Maybe block them off your phone and go find new things to do with new people don't mourn what you thought you had go and find it elsewhere

They are literally not worth your time or head space