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Original poster

Friendship group - baffled

105 replies

butterfliesareblue · 20/10/2021 14:07

Hi!

Sorry if the wrong thread. I had a mixed group of 8/9 friends and we’d always do things as a big group. I am quite a quiet and reserved member of the group and I’ve had a few instances in the past where id feel a little left out or slightly disrespected/disregarded. I’d sometimes feel really anxious around them but I did have other things going on at that time.

This year I sorted my head out and things felt good. We all booked a villa holiday and I was so excited; when we got there it was really exciting and I felt really comfortable.

About 2 days into the holiday I got a really weird vibe. The girl I was sharing with was suddenly not getting ready in my room, and everyone seemed a bit off with me. I was being ignored at times when saying or asking something. I asked one of the girls if something had happened and I got ignored.

I tried to get on with my holiday and one day, as I was making lunch, I heard the villa door close and it went silent. I realised everyone had gone so texted the group asking where they were and they said “out for lunch, be back soon”. So I’d been left on my own??? There was also one instance getting ready to go out and they “didn’t realise I wasn’t there” so all left. One of the guys came and got me though when they realised.

Also, there were 4 of us girls on holiday and every single one of the 3 girls all uploaded photos of just them 3 during the holiday with captions like “love these two”. It was a huge kick in the teeth as I was in some of those photos and not once was I uploaded.

I did attempt to ask what was up but they all said “nothing”.

Unfortunately I was newly unemployed at the time (new job lined up though) so had to be a bit tight on dinner and drinks. Never moaned or affected anyone else. I did however simply politely request not to take part when they were splitting the bill (was about £30 each when I’d spent around £10). They seemed okay with this and nothing further was said. I don’t know if they just saw me as boring or whatever?

Anyway, ive not heard a peep from any of them since this holiday. It hurts because some of them I’ve been friends with for around 10 years. I’m genuinely baffled. I know I shouldn’t care but I’m losing 8 friends for a reason I don’t know.
I texted one of the girls yesterday, 6 weeks after the holiday, asking what I did. She left me on read.

I just feel like maybe it’s me? I have no idea and struggling to find closure as I have no idea what I did and I’m losing a lot of friends.

OP posts:

beastlyslumber · 20/10/2021 20:53

OMG OP, they sound so horrible! What an upsetting and hurtful experience for you. You definitely didn't deserve such treatment. Honestly, I would block them all and find nicer friends.

I have a friend who always advises that if you don't know why someone is being horrible to you, then it's not your fault. I think that is solid advice. If there's an issue, they should have spoken to you about it. Being mean and excluding you is bullying. So either way the problem is theirs, not yours. You've done nothing wrong.

The more you try to work it out with them, the more ammunition you're giving them for their little campaign. You can guarantee that any message you send is shared around between them and twisted in some way so they can enjoy their meanness. So just block them and get on with your life. They will turn on each other soon enough.

It's so hurtful and upsetting but you are definitely better off without these nasty people in your life.

Eddielzzard · 20/10/2021 20:54

No friend would do this. It was colossally shit behaviour on their part and they ought to be ashamed. If you had done something, they should have addressed it then and there. You may never find out what happened, but one thing is certain: those friends aren't friends. So sorry, this is really shit.

Jesskir89 · 20/10/2021 21:02

Op I'm so sorry you've got 'friends' like this. I would have to call them out. I would message each one of them and let them know how hurt you were and you deserve an explanation

beastlyslumber · 20/10/2021 21:18

@Jesskir89

Op I'm so sorry you've got 'friends' like this. I would have to call them out. I would message each one of them and let them know how hurt you were and you deserve an explanation

I understand why you'd say this, but I think it's bad advice in this situation. They have clearly got together and decided to victimise OP. If she messages them, they will use that as more ammunition for their campaign against her. They won't be giving any explanations, but they might use anything OP says against her in some way. Either way, OP will end up even more hurt than before.

The best thing to do is rise above it. Move on from them. Maintain a dignified silence. They will move on to another group member to bully and it's possible one or more of them will seek OP out in future to apologise and make amends. But right now there is nothing to do but walk away.

HappyMeal564 · 20/10/2021 21:21

This!

DivorceAdvicePlease123 · 20/10/2021 21:28

Ask one of the guys, men may be hated on here but guaranteed most of them would roll their eyes at all this bullshit and just tell you outright. Women in a bunch are often nasty bitches.

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2021 21:37

I think if on the second day the room mate didn’t wish to get ready in thr room with you, then it happened the first night. So unlikely to be financial. Did something happen to make her uncomfortable that first night? Something the others feel to embarrassed to say?

Peach01 · 20/10/2021 21:57

There's no excuse for this kind of behaviour. Deliberately excluding you while you're on holiday together is horrible treatment.

It's not a nice position they've put you in.

Jesskir89 · 20/10/2021 22:01

@beastlyslumber I hear you I do, but op wanted closure and there's only one way to get that and I would feel the same tbh. I think asking one of the blokes is a good idea maybe be the one that came back for you op?

MushMonster · 20/10/2021 22:08

That is rather shitty behaviour from all of them!
Leaving someone behind, twice? Horrible!
And then not even replying to you.
It does not sound like you have done anything wrong at all. But they are not a nice bunch.
You will find good friends. Worthy ones.
Forget about this bunch.

Clandestin · 20/10/2021 22:11

@DivorceAdvicePlease123

Ask one of the guys, men may be hated on here but guaranteed most of them would roll their eyes at all this bullshit and just tell you outright. Women in a bunch are often nasty bitches.

Absolutely, that’s why the history of male-dominated societies is so full of friendly common sense, good humour and cheerfulness.

MushMonster · 20/10/2021 22:12

And women in a bunch are not nasty bitches!
Some groups of people are, some with women, some with men, this one is a mixed one!
(I had to say this as I really hate women been called bitches!)

If you do want a reply OP, you can try your other friends. But I bet they will not come up with any proper explanation, but either silence or some bullshit that makes no sense.

whiteroseredrose · 20/10/2021 22:35

Others are right when they say these are not your friends, and are downright nasty. Even if you were making your own lunch common courtesy would be to tell you before they all went. And there was obviously collusion if not one of them said anything.

However in your shoes I'd want to know what triggered this. You said that you felt comfortable at first but that it changed.

The first thing was your roommate getting changed elsewhere so that is where I would start. Anything that could possibly have upset her. Do you talk in your sleep?

The friendship is over. I'd be tempted to contact your roommate and say just that - the friendship is over but you'd like to know what made her change her behaviour.

Geogaddi · 20/10/2021 23:00

I had a similar thing happen to me on a school trip. I was really excited as a few new friends were going. One friend was a bit late for the coach and that then meant that the whole group of about 8 girls were completely vile to me and this late friend for the whole week. Right from the start, before we had even got on the sodding plane. They refused to share a room with us, would bitch about us under thier breath and made the whole trip very hard work. Once we got back home they all acted like nothing had happened. It devastated me and I had trouble trusting anyone after that. You sound kind and wonderful and I would honestly move on as best you can and find some better, kinder people. They won't change.

toocold54 · 20/10/2021 23:02

If there is a group chat I would say - obviously the friendship is over seeing as you are rude to me, leave me out and read my messages and don’t reply. I think it’s pathetic that you’ve decided you don’t like me but no ones had the decency to actually tell me why. So I’m asking you one last time what is it exactly I’ve done?

If they don’t reply then forget them and move on.

boojames · 20/10/2021 23:15

I've been there.... Forget them. Chat to me.

Itsnotover · 20/10/2021 23:28

You don't need these people - they are not friends. If they were they would understand why you couldn't afford to subsidise other peoples meals and drinks.

Why do women behave like school children? This is why I don't want to be in big friendship groups. One person always gets scapegoated.

BanditoShipman · 20/10/2021 23:35

I saw something similar happen but on a one night trip… I wasn’t staying overnight but everyone else was. The quieter one in the group, more socially awkward etc (‘Ann’) was sharing a room with one of the others.

When I got to the restaurant there was much excited whispering when Ann went to the bar as apparently she’d gone to the toilet in the shared room and left the door wide open while ‘having a poo’, in full view of her roommate.

The lady sharing the room with Ann was horrified (to be fair I prob wouldn’t have liked it either) but used it to gossip and whisper about Ann all night, she’d decided this woman was ‘other’ and tried to get the whole group to ‘band together’ against Ann.

Was strange to see this ‘othering’ in action. Could be something silly like that and a few members of the group used it to try to ‘bond’ with each other?

OooohAhhhh · 20/10/2021 23:46

I've been there too. I got ghosted by my best friend. We have been through lots together and have so many wonderful memories.
One day she just never replied to my phone calls or text messages. I haven't heard from her for 2 and a half years now, so it's definitely over.
For some reason she cut out our entire circle of friends, so it's not just me. So I know it's nothing I did. It's as if she wanted a new life and cut everyone out from her past.
The thing is tho it broke me. She meant the absolute world to me. I went from having someone to talk to and tell everything to, to having no one. I don't have any local friends where I am as I don't know anyone around here really so I'm pretty lonely.
She will never know how much of an impact this has had on my life really. I miss her with all my heart.
Not sure why this happens sometimes but it does.
If they can't give you their time then you shouldn't waste any more of your time on them.
You deserve better.

Sakurami · 21/10/2021 02:21

Unless they'd caught you on one of their boyfriend's lap with your tongue in his mouth , even if the money thing would maybe have annoyed them, their behaviour ruining your holiday is unforgivable. And quite pathetic that instead of having a real laugh and fun, they used all their energy to exclude you. Because putting up with something slightly irritating is a lot easier than having to scheme things in such a way that you are excluding someone. And the photos too.

OP I would block them and move on. I would never want anything to do with those pathetic idiots.

There's a lot of lovely people out there - find them :)

Flowerpowwer6 · 21/10/2021 02:59

Ghosting is a terrible thing to do. I know some people feel it's best but I think it's worse than someone telling you the issue. With ghosting your left wondering it's a cruel thing to do!

TobyEsterhase · 21/10/2021 07:26

You sound a bit of an introvert (like me) so perhaps are not best suited to being part of a big "friendship group".

My 5 closest friends are from different parts of my life and basically don't know each other.

LactoseTheIntolerant · 21/10/2021 08:15

Hi op so sorry this happened to you. Personally I wouldn't message to find out why, you'll either be ignored further or some bs excuse will be used. Then they are likely to discuss it and make drama out of it within the group creating a further divide. I would move on and concentrate on other friends who do not treat you like this.
It is incredibly hurtful when something like this happens and it's really easy for those still in the group to minimise it and lack empathy but fundamentally, if they're treating you like that, they are unkind people who are not worth your time and friendship.
As I've got older I've realised I am far happier in much smaller groups or one on one. I find large groups can often end up like this unfortunately.

WonderWoman1234 · 21/10/2021 08:26

I had a similar experience. It felt horrible at the time but years later I can reflect on it without feeling so hurt. I was in a group of 5, which became a 4 without me. And I was cut out without conflict or explanation, just suddenly not invited. When I asked why there was a deafening silence. Similar to you I had less money than the others and I always felt anxious around dinner out and splitting bills, that can get really expensive. I was also the quiet one in the group and I was also the single one and the others were coupled up. So a few ways I was slightly different. I think I quite liked being around a group who were a bit different to me but that obviously that was one sided!

It sounds like you just didn’t totally fit in and you will find friends who love and accept you for who you are. They are out there. Smaller groups or 1-2-1 friendships will probably be where you find yourself and genuine friends. It’s a hard transition though, I feel for you.

WeAreTheHeroes · 21/10/2021 08:27

The thing is @Bluntness100 it could well be nothing the OP did as such - whoever the roommate went to get ready with could just have invited her because the OP is quiet/not as much fun/whatever the excuse. I'm also wondering if there's drug use involved that the OP doesn't know about. It doesn't really matter because nothing excuses treating someone so shittily.

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