Friendship group - baffled

[butterfliesareblue]

Hi!

Sorry if the wrong thread. I had a mixed group of 8/9 friends and we’d always do things as a big group. I am quite a quiet and reserved member of the group and I’ve had a few instances in the past where id feel a little left out or slightly disrespected/disregarded. I’d sometimes feel really anxious around them but I did have other things going on at that time.

This year I sorted my head out and things felt good. We all booked a villa holiday and I was so excited; when we got there it was really exciting and I felt really comfortable.

About 2 days into the holiday I got a really weird vibe. The girl I was sharing with was suddenly not getting ready in my room, and everyone seemed a bit off with me. I was being ignored at times when saying or asking something. I asked one of the girls if something had happened and I got ignored.

I tried to get on with my holiday and one day, as I was making lunch, I heard the villa door close and it went silent. I realised everyone had gone so texted the group asking where they were and they said “out for lunch, be back soon”. So I’d been left on my own??? There was also one instance getting ready to go out and they “didn’t realise I wasn’t there” so all left. One of the guys came and got me though when they realised.

Also, there were 4 of us girls on holiday and every single one of the 3 girls all uploaded photos of just them 3 during the holiday with captions like “love these two”. It was a huge kick in the teeth as I was in some of those photos and not once was I uploaded.

I did attempt to ask what was up but they all said “nothing”.

Unfortunately I was newly unemployed at the time (new job lined up though) so had to be a bit tight on dinner and drinks. Never moaned or affected anyone else. I did however simply politely request not to take part when they were splitting the bill (was about £30 each when I’d spent around £10). They seemed okay with this and nothing further was said. I don’t know if they just saw me as boring or whatever?

Anyway, ive not heard a peep from any of them since this holiday. It hurts because some of them I’ve been friends with for around 10 years. I’m genuinely baffled. I know I shouldn’t care but I’m losing 8 friends for a reason I don’t know.
I texted one of the girls yesterday, 6 weeks after the holiday, asking what I did. She left me on read.

I just feel like maybe it’s me? I have no idea and struggling to find closure as I have no idea what I did and I’m losing a lot of friends.

I'll call them out on it as a group (I hate confrontation but I wouldn't be able to ignore this)

just say that you were blatantly shunned on the holiday, now your messages are being ignored and tell them you feel extremely hurt. Say that something has obviously happened to upset the group, but if nobody has the balls to tell you what you're supposed to have done then how are you supposed to rectify it?

Or you could just block them all?

So many bitchy nasty people out there, you're better off without them.

People who are good for you will talk with you about what's going on. They were behaving badly. That's hurtful.

@butterfliesareblue

Thank you for all the lovely replies 😀 I’m glad to read all of them! I am very close to one girl and have been for years. She’s the one I texted and she left me on read, so yeah, pretty hurt!

I'd actually try reaching out to one of the guys? Maybe the one that came back for you.

Keep it factual, explain that they're blanking you after the holiday and you've clearly upset them but don't know why. That you won't discuss/argue with them about the rights and wrongs if it but that you'd just like to understand what you did as you're baffled

Then hopefully when you have their shallow nonsensical 'reason' it will reassure you that they're shallow bitches and you're better off without them

I used to be very shy, didn't speak very much at all in a group. Some people understood and were nice or just left me alone; some people would be unpleasant about it, either (I presume) as they thought I was snobby or as they thought I was a loser and didn't want to be associated with that (or even liked putting down someone "weaker", maybe to big themselves up). You say you're reserved; perhaps that made you into the scapegoat? Which wouldn't change anything about the advice to find some nicer friends.

Sorry, what does "leave on read" mean?

I think it would be better to have a conversation with someone who was nice to you. Either on the phone or in person.

I'm sorry this has happened to you op, it's a shitty thing to do. In my case someone posted on the wrong Watsapp group , y'know, not the one they were using to slag me off ( like you I was not able to live a champagne lifestyle. Neither were they, but I was the only one to be honest about it). So I at least knew what was going on and was able to block the fuckers and start to move on.

Well they can hardly say "we are all pissed off because you simply paid your own way on the holiday and didn't sub us with our more expensive food and drink" can they? That would sound ridiculous and really grabby.

So they are ignoring you instead.
But that's what it will be. I bet you anything.

Well they have been using you haven't they. How very convenient to have you pay 1/8 of a villa, so they can pay 1/8 instead of 1/7.
The same logic applies to the meal(s). If they've had £30 worth and you've had £10 worth and they are pissed off you won't pay 1/8, well then they have clearly been enjoying using you.
Try not to waste headspace on the petty bullshit 'reason'.
As PP said living well is your best revenge. Try very hard to rise above it.

How horrible of them and I can understand why you are hurt . It’s easy to say get different friends but I am sure they have knocked your confidence .

Personally I would want to call them out on them before cutting them off .

I would want them to know how hurtful they have been and tell them they are cowards for not telling you the reason. If it was about the money then I am assuming they knew about your situation so should have been more understanding.

I doubt you've done anything wrong, which probably makes it harder to understand and perhaps more hurtful but I think in the end they've done you a favour and cut the poison out of your life for you.

You seem relatively young and perhaps have just been friends with these people through circumstance more than anything else. If you were feeling excluded and anxious previously then they weren't the right people for you.

Chin up and go out to meet other people that are as kind and thoughtful as you.

I wouldn’t message any of them again! Just ignore and move on. You sound like a lovely person so I’m sure before long you’ll have a new friendship group.

When you txt them at lunch time did you ask why they did not invite you. I really think they all completely awful for treating you like that. Please just drop them and find friends that treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You sound lovely, making lunch for them and they just leave you. So nasty of them, you deserve better.

So sorry OP. If it was the money thing, I think that sucks. Why should you effectively pay for others’ food & drink? I didn’t drink at all for several years plus I rarely have more than one course so I always just pay for what I have. If it’s someone’s birthday then we would pay for their meal & drinks between us.

I think you need new friends, they sound awful, back to school girl bullying by leaving you out of the photos, posts and eating out.

I think the friendships are over so in your shoes I think I'd WhatsApp the group telling they they've been cruel, nasty and how much they've hurt you.

As it was only two days in and your room mate stopped getting ready with you can you think what happened in thr lead up to this?

Some people think it's mean spirited not to divide a bill equally, that it marks a person out as a bore. Probably people who are either flush with money or don't care about overspending. Conversely other people will always be the first to offer to buy a round or whatever, as it makes them seem generous and friendly. So it is possible that is how they felt about you, if you did this at every meal. It's not fair or kind but I don't think it's that uncommon sadly.

You also mention being quiet. Nothing wrong with that but usually people who like to hang out in large groups are extrovert and loud. They don't necessary value quieter types as they like to have full on 'fun'. Is that what the rest of the group is like?

I'm with you - probably? I've had times where I'm watching my expenditure and been annoyed by someone ordering an extra bottle of wine I don't want and expecting me to pay my share. And although I enjoy a good laugh, I'm not always in the mood for it and overall prefer more meaningful conversations one to one or in a smaller group.

Not sure how old you are - you sound quite young, but I apologise if that isn't the case. But maybe see it as you finding out who you are and what you want from friendships. It doesn't matter "why" they've been like they have and it doesn't mean you have necessarily done anything wrong. I doubt they'll tell you anyway and that could possibly be due to fear of hurting your feelings. Maybe they are just not YOUR type of people?

Whatever happened or didn’t happen to not have the guts to speak to you and address it and to treat you the way they did is despicable. Walking out and leaving you on your own is awful behaviour, I feel so sad reading this. If they truly feel you don’t fit in or whatever is going on why ask you to go? This is bullying the reasons for it are irrelevant. I’d stay away from now on and concentrate on people who will value your friendship better.

Sorry you went through this op. You do need to cut them all off and move on as they are unlikely to give you the closure that you need. It’s difficult but they really aren’t your friends- it sounds like before the holiday they weren’t fully including you either. The photos uploaded with you cut out is just disrespectful- they are telling you without telling you that they don’t want you in their lives. It’s difficult but try not to contact them, hold your head high & never contact or speak to any of them EVER again 💐

I would guess it's at least partly the money thing but maybe not just that. For instance, you mention specifically that you were ALREADY making yourself lunch when everyone else went out to lunch. Presumably they didn't invite you because you were already partway through getting your own lunch so clearly didn't want to go out? And if you're making your own lunch without everyone else then honestly maybe they were a bit offended that you were sorting out your own lunch rather than being part of the group - bit odd on a group holiday to just cater for yourself with no discussions with anyone else. Then it sounds like you did quite a lot of asking what you did wrong - you might well have annoyed people by asking so much if actually there wasn't any issue and they felt you were making things into a big deal.

But at the end of the day like others say it doesn't really matter - find some better friends.

Even if you have actually done something to upset them, they are adults and need to communicate with you!!

I just don't understand behaviour like that. It is difficult, but I think it's best to move on from them. You'll always be walking on eggshells otherwise, worrying about upsetting them.

Honestly it doesn't sound like they were friends worth having before the holiday, but leaving you out like that is just horrible. Never contact these people again OP. Fuck the lot of them.

I suspect it was the money thing. We wr t away as a group in our 20’s and one girl was really annoyingly pernickety about every Penny she spent, we walked around restaurants until we could get a cheap one, she didn’t want to spend anything during the day. it really reduced the enjoyment of our trip.
We never went away with her again.

They sound horrible

Personally I would send a group text and say that you are upset at how you were treated on the holiday , have to assume you have inadvertently done something to them which they are not prepared to tell you about and are now ignoring you. That’s unfair, you would have expected them to at least tell you what you are supposed to have done and have a chat to clear the air. I would finish asking them to put themselves in your shoes, suddenly ignored on holiday and made to feel unwanted and how would they feel if that happened to them, the rest banged up and ignored you

Let’s hope they see sense

If you want a straight answer then I’d ask one of the guys. Yes they can be dicks sometimes but IME they are never down with this kind of group bullying, and I can guarantee that they’d only be going along with it for a quiet life. The instigators will be the women. I’m sorry if that’s being disloyal to my own sex but it’s true!

However, assuming that you have a moral compass then you’d know if you’d done anything wrong, so clearly you haven’t. This sounds to me like one of the “social rituals” that neurotypical people supposedly instinctively engage in that neurodiverse people are too weird to understand. IMO though that’s just an excuse to say that some groups of people engage in abhorrent behaviour and it’s sweet and truly good introverted people like yourself who don’t join in who become their targets.

@Katkinsgreyy

Even if you have actually done something to upset them, they are adults and need to communicate with you!!

I just don't understand behaviour like that. It is difficult, but I think it's best to move on from them. You'll always be walking on eggshells otherwise, worrying about upsetting them.

This.