Friendship group - baffled

[butterfliesareblue]

Hi!

Sorry if the wrong thread. I had a mixed group of 8/9 friends and we’d always do things as a big group. I am quite a quiet and reserved member of the group and I’ve had a few instances in the past where id feel a little left out or slightly disrespected/disregarded. I’d sometimes feel really anxious around them but I did have other things going on at that time.

This year I sorted my head out and things felt good. We all booked a villa holiday and I was so excited; when we got there it was really exciting and I felt really comfortable.

About 2 days into the holiday I got a really weird vibe. The girl I was sharing with was suddenly not getting ready in my room, and everyone seemed a bit off with me. I was being ignored at times when saying or asking something. I asked one of the girls if something had happened and I got ignored.

I tried to get on with my holiday and one day, as I was making lunch, I heard the villa door close and it went silent. I realised everyone had gone so texted the group asking where they were and they said “out for lunch, be back soon”. So I’d been left on my own??? There was also one instance getting ready to go out and they “didn’t realise I wasn’t there” so all left. One of the guys came and got me though when they realised.

Also, there were 4 of us girls on holiday and every single one of the 3 girls all uploaded photos of just them 3 during the holiday with captions like “love these two”. It was a huge kick in the teeth as I was in some of those photos and not once was I uploaded.

I did attempt to ask what was up but they all said “nothing”.

Unfortunately I was newly unemployed at the time (new job lined up though) so had to be a bit tight on dinner and drinks. Never moaned or affected anyone else. I did however simply politely request not to take part when they were splitting the bill (was about £30 each when I’d spent around £10). They seemed okay with this and nothing further was said. I don’t know if they just saw me as boring or whatever?

Anyway, ive not heard a peep from any of them since this holiday. It hurts because some of them I’ve been friends with for around 10 years. I’m genuinely baffled. I know I shouldn’t care but I’m losing 8 friends for a reason I don’t know.
I texted one of the girls yesterday, 6 weeks after the holiday, asking what I did. She left me on read.

I just feel like maybe it’s me? I have no idea and struggling to find closure as I have no idea what I did and I’m losing a lot of friends.

@Pea22ches

How old are you OP? 8/9 is too big of a group to be honest. Too many complications and personalities.

The girl you texted are you closest to her put of all of the group? I suspect these are not really your friends OP

My close friendship group is 8 of us. Has been since we were all 16 (now in our 40's). There might be times when some of us don't feel involved in conversations on whatsapp, etc because the conversation doesn't really relate to our individual lives so much but that's par for the course. None of us would ever intentionally leave someone out or be unkind in this way.

We have been away together before and have planned another weekend away next year and no-one will be left out. I could happily share a room/bed with one one of these women and be very comfortable and happy, even though over time we have all carved our own lives and identities and we all have our own 'ways'.

I don't think these people are your friends op. If they would rather cast you out than talk to you about whatever was upsetting/annoying them then they are not worth having as friends, I'm sorry. I hope you have/can forge some other friendships with more mature people x

@DaisyNGO

Sorry, what does "leave on read" mean?

I think it would be better to have a conversation with someone who was nice to you. Either on the phone or in person.

The message was read but not replied to.

*I am quite a quiet and reserved member of the group and I’ve had a few instances in the past where id feel a little left out or slightly disrespected/disregarded. I’d sometimes feel really anxious around them but I did have other things going on at that time.

This year I sorted my head out and things felt good.*

You have experienced bad behaviour from then in the past. They are a nasty group - you have always been their scapegoat.

But you have worked on yourself (v well done) - they would have sensed that you have changed and their punches were not having the same impact so they had to up the ante with this behaviour to get their kicks.

Stick with your new found confidence, calmly withdraw (no explanations) block and delete all SM.

Someone else will be the new scapegoat target in this toxic group soon - this is how the valency is maintained.

Interesting that it is a mixed group of friends.

The reason they aren't answering you when you ask what you've done is because you haven't done anything wrong!

They've just decided you don't fit in and have bullied you.
This is all on them and you are well rid.

It's a horrible horrible thing they have put you through. Nothing more than mean girl bullies.

I hope you are ok

“There was also one instance getting ready to go out and they “didn’t realise I wasn’t there” so all left. One of the guys came and got me though when they realised”

Ring or drop by to talk to this guy. He will tell you who the queen bee is

Same happened to me with 4 women. 2 are still in touch, 1 talks to me but always feels forced and I’m sure she doesn’t like me - always felt like I’d done something to upset her but I can’t fathom what. The queen bee only contacts me if she needs a favour with nothing in between. I’m so done with them.

One of my teenage DC had this in a horrible ‘social pyramid’ at secondary school. It was extremely tough and they eventually (after a lot of painful experiences) learned to find their kind of people and ignore the hierarchy. Someone always got scapegoated and the big group of ‘populars’ in their year group kept this crap up for seven years to one kid or group of kids or another. Ot was horrible.
My DC found a lovely mixed group of friends about four years in but Covid hit so socialising became patchy at best. Their little mixed social group had a fabulous summer however and now my DC is at uni living their best life. Fantastic groups of friends in their flat, on their course, they’ve thrown themselves at sports and societies and finally realised that actually their school environment was totally toxic and you just have to let these people do them whilst you do you. They are far, far happier just being themselves with like minded people.

These were teenagers at school behaving in this way and it’s just unbelievable that grown adults do the same. Adults tell each other kindly when they have a problem and should have learned not to treat others like that. I saw it a few years ago as a mum on the primary school playground. It was dominated by a group of competitive, insecure mums jostling for position. I’d learned by then to avoid women like that, it was toxic and I never wanted to be in it.

Find groups who are into things you like doing or take up new hobbies, there are lots of nice people out there who either never did this or left this childish crap behind them when they grew up. You do need to go out and look for them though, that’s the hardest bit. Well done for working on yourself, anxiety is a tricky bugger to deal with and you’ve clearly taken responsibility for your own issues. Leave them to hopefully take responsibility for themselves, I’d not contact them further, they’re not worth another second of your time or headspace and if they think you are being whiny or nasty they’ll use it as validation of their treatment of you. It won’t make it hurt less but it really is the right thing to do. Nobody wants ‘friends’ like this. You’re worth far better.

Take care and good luck. X

Well, they've told you all you need to know!

You really don't need friends like this. Real friends are supportive and have your best interests at heart. Please set your bar higher.

You will never know what happened here. Please don't waste time trying to work out what happened.

This is awful. They have been effectively bullying you, the problem is with them, not you. If there was something you had done wrong they would be sure to tell you and probably enjoy it. The reason you are not being told what you have done wrong is because you haven't actually done anything wrong at all. Sometimes groups of insecure people bond over the hurt feelings of someone who they have purposefully left out, it's well known. I think even the army used to use this tactic by setting one soldier up to fail, thus creating a situation where he was letting the team down. It creates false "comradery" and once the victim is gone another will be picked and the situation repeated. It wouldn't surprise me if you heard from another "reject" in a few weeks time. Honestly you don't need this sort of thing in your life, these morons need forgetting about. I hope you find true friends who are worth your while and a bit more mature.

What a load of absolute bitches, big girl groups like this are the worst.

Honestly OP it is clear they do have a problem with you but it's absolutely out of order for them to gang up on one person and dismiss them, make them feel like this and be cowardly enough to no admit what it is!!

I'd advise you call up the one you feel most comfortable with and have it out with her and ask her directly what is it that's making them leave you out like that, especially on a bloody holiday away from home how cruel.

This must be so hurtful They are being cruel by not telling you what the issue is. Can you text the group and ask if someone can explain? Then I think you are going to have to move on, sorry.

@Alwaysonthegoslow

This must be so hurtful They are being cruel by not telling you what the issue is. Can you text the group and ask if someone can explain? Then I think you are going to have to move on, sorry.

I wouldn't do that because it will give them more ammo to be spiteful. I would either contact one of the guys, or simply block the lot of them and walk away.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. Everyone saying that you should just move on and find real friends etc clearly haven't been through this. Yes they are not worthy of your friendship but its not as easy as just moving on and accepting they're no good for you.
I personally DO think it would do no harm to call them out before cutting them off. Yes they may ignore you again but they are doing that anyway. Let them know how nasty and childish they are being and then cut them off.

butterfliesareblue What a horrible way they've treated you. They aren't true friends at all. Clearly, these women didn't like something you did or didn't do, but they should have spoken to you about things. I think they sound bitchy, cowardly, flimsy and nasty. Get some new friends, they aren't nice

@themadcatparade

What a load of absolute bitches, big girl groups like this are the worst.

Honestly OP it is clear they do have a problem with you but it's absolutely out of order for them to gang up on one person and dismiss them, make them feel like this and be cowardly enough to no admit what it is!!

I'd advise you call up the one you feel most comfortable with and have it out with her and ask her directly what is it that's making them leave you out like that, especially on a bloody holiday away from home how cruel.

Why are you blaming the women when it’s clear it was a mixed group and they are all shunning the op?

I think sometimes people outgrow friendships but groups hang on out of habit. It is unconscionable for you to be left out on holiday - just completely inexcusable. Although it is sad, you will be in a much better place away from this toxicity. If you really want to figure it out, contact one of the ones you were not so close to - they may be more willing to talk to you if they feel they have less invested.

@anotherdisaster

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. Everyone saying that you should just move on and find real friends etc clearly haven't been through this. Yes they are not worthy of your friendship but its not as easy as just moving on and accepting they're no good for you. I personally DO think it would do no harm to call them out before cutting them off. Yes they may ignore you again but they are doing that anyway. Let them know how nasty and childish they are being and then cut them off.

Calling them out is different from asking for an explanation. Telling them you're through with them and then walking away, yes. But asking for an explanation is asking to be fed a load of old tommyrot.

Bloody hell. They are cold.

I’d be interested to know the age range in this group. I just can’t imagine doing something like this but maybe in my early twenties I might have 🥴

“Well they have been using you haven't they. How very convenient to have you pay 1/8 of a villa, so they can pay 1/8 instead of 1/7.
The same logic applies to the meal(s). If they've had £30 worth and you've had £10 worth and they are pissed off you won't pay 1/8, well then they have clearly been enjoying using you.
Try not to waste headspace on the petty bullshit 'reason'.
As PP said living well is your best revenge. Try very hard to rise above it.”

I think it’s this, too, but as another PP said, they can’t admit this because it shows how grabby they are.

Awww I’ve just caught up on all these posts, thank you so much everyone for the lovely words! Feel much better and sorry to hear those who have also gone through it, it’s bloody horrible isn’t it!!

We’re all aged between 24 and 26 so yeah pretty young. Just even more shocked at how I didn’t get a reply from the girl I’ve been friends with for 12 years. Finding it so hard to bite my tongue!!

Thanks again everyone 😀

@butterfliesareblue

Awww I’ve just caught up on all these posts, thank you so much everyone for the lovely words! Feel much better and sorry to hear those who have also gone through it, it’s bloody horrible isn’t it!!

We’re all aged between 24 and 26 so yeah pretty young. Just even more shocked at how I didn’t get a reply from the girl I’ve been friends with for 12 years. Finding it so hard to bite my tongue!!

Thanks again everyone 😀

What are you going to do, @butterfliesareblue? Are you going to pursue things further with the close friend or drop it entirely?

You know what @Clandestin I’m not sure! I’m so tempted to message her again and say “how lovely” and tell her where to stick it hahahaha but also I don’t know where that’s gonna get me

This behaviour is so hurtful op. It's rubbish. . Even more so on a hol that you have planned for, saved for, and should be a fun time.

I doubt you have done anything "wrong". Even if you had, then they should have the decency to address it with you.

Ask the nice guy what's going in maybe? Really feel for you x