Men still living at home

[Bluebells34]

Would it turn anyone off if they met someone in their 30's or 40's that still live at home with their parents. Seeminly in a good job - no marital break down or loss of job - just still live at home out of choice

It wouldn’t exactly turn me off but if their mum still did all their washing and cooked their dinner etc then I’d be worried about what they’d be like to live with if the relationship progressed to that point.

It would be a no from me.

If he was Asian, it would be normal. If he wasn't, I think that would be unusual and I would wonder if there were any other reasons.

Has he ever lived alone or just chosen to stay at home his whole life? If he had never lived alone it would certainly throw a few questions up for me. It wouldn't necessarily be a deal-breaker but I think it's quite unusual.

I would never and have never dated an adult man who lived with his parent(s). Even when my potential dates and I were in our 20s.

I can’t imagine a situation in which a man in his 40’s doing the same would even be an option for me. Complete dealbreaker.

It would be a no from me as well.

It also suits that man to be at home with his parents and it may well also be that he wants to. He can avoid getting serious in his relationships by having an obstacle of his mother. If things don’t work out, he can always convince himself that it was because you didn’t impress his mother or you weren’t as perfect as you should be.

@Buggritbuggrit saving up for a house? my DH and i lived with his mum for 3 years and we saved up 70k deposit for our london flat. his very English colleague did the same (but with his girlfriend's parents) and he managed to buy a 340k house in Reading at the age of 24. Some people in their 30s and 40s might only be at the stage of buying their first property.

Hard no.

Unless there was a reason. For example I used to have a job where I travelled a LOT. It wouldn't make sense to sustain a flat somewhere.

Or is it was a self-contained flat possibly.

I mean practically, I'm too old to be quietly shagging in someone's childhood bedroom. That wears off in your 20s.

He said he lived with his girlfriend for a while about 6 years ago (rented accommodation)
This is the second man I have met late 30's - at home. I find it very strange that they do not want their own space or decorate/buy things to their own taste. As much as I love my parents I could not live with them as an adult. He boasts about making a lot of money but pays no board or bills - no responsibilities. There are plenty of flats / houses to rent - It has really turned me off to be honest

A no from me, even if he were supposedly saving for a deposit. I left my parents’ home at 19 and at 35, there’s no way I want to be in somebody else’s parents’ home, either holed up in the bedroom like a pair of naughty teenagers having to watch our noise, or making awkward conversation in the living room - which means that we’d be spending all of our time together at my place and I wouldn’t want that, either.

And if we’re talking about somebody who has just never left home at all, I couldn’t think of them as a functioning adult. What self-respecting adult lives their entire adult life with mum and dad??

My oh was living with his parents when w met following a divorce. He saved a hefty deposit for a house, did all his on washing etc and they took turns cooking meals. We moved in together in 2018 and get married next year. I like the fact he is from a supportive nurturing family.

@MrsTerryPratchett
I mean practically, I'm too old to be quietly shagging in someone's childhood bedroom. That wears off in your 20s.
Oh god me too what a horrid thought - now I have images of a Mr Men duvet set that his mother changes each week !

He boasts about making a lot of money but pays no board or bills

I have images of a Mr Men duvet set that his mother changes each week !

Double super no. RUN!!!

Mine lives with his parents and his son. He's entirely self sufficient there and the arrangement works really well for all involved. He'll be their carer as they age. I don't want him to move in with me as I like living alone. It depends on the circumstances really.

@Bluebells34 I have a cousin- in-law from my home country who lived with mum until his 30s. Got married in his early 30s. He bought an apartment with his wife and got a mortgage for 5 years- not a fixed rate but the entire term of the mortgage was 5 years. So he would be mortgage free within 5 years (mid 30s) for a property that cost the equivalent of £400k. Doubtless he has a very good job but he probably wouldn't have that kind of deposit if he rented.

Meanwhile, everyone I know in London (no matter the salary) has extremely long mortgages. Actually even the people I know who live outside London do too. Its the price we pay for 'independence' I wish i could have stayed with MIL and saved up a bigger deposit than 15% but we have a different culture here. I honestly wouldn't have minded living with her till my mid 30s though I must say that I would probably have moved out for the duration of the pandemic (and it was then having my own home office in my apartment was amazing).

I do see the positive side to this regarding the posts for saving up for deposits - it is not easy to buy a house and rental is so expensive but these two did not give any inclination that this is what they are doing. One had convinced himself that he was helping his parents out by staying at home as he cut the grass for them!!??

[quote onlychildhamster]@Buggritbuggrit saving up for a house? my DH and i lived with his mum for 3 years and we saved up 70k deposit for our london flat. his very English colleague did the same (but with his girlfriend's parents) and he managed to buy a 340k house in Reading at the age of 24. Some people in their 30s and 40s might only be at the stage of buying their first property.[/quote]
I haven’t attempted to dictate that others should consider it a dealbreaker, merely stated that it was one for me - which is what OP asked.

So, great for you/your DH/his colleague. I wouldn’t do it or have dated either of them.

"He boasts about making a lot of money but pays no board or bills - no responsibilities".

He's also tight. He’s living there because he wants to. He can avoid getting serious in his relationships by having an obstacle of his mother. If things don’t work out, he can always convince himself that it was because you didn’t impress his mother or you weren’t as perfect as you should be.

Men in their 40s in particular that live at home with parents more often than not become men in their 50s still living at home in their old bedroom.

Boasting about paying no bills or board would turn me off; its pretty disrespectful

Oh god absolutely not.
Especially not if he doesn’t contribute.
I bet his mum does his washing.

Men at home over the age of 25 was always one of my absolute nos.

@Fdksyihfd

Boasting about paying no bills or board would turn me off; its pretty disrespectful

Agreed. A horrible specimen of a human being who boasts about taking advantage of his parents. He'll boast about taking advantage of you when you move in together and he doesn't pay his share.

Like others running a home - the boiler is playing up, electrics are going, carpets need replacing etc and I just find at the age of 40 they have never had to sort these problems out. On the other hand it is so exciting getting a place of your own and chosing new things - having your own space and friends round. There has been no invitations over to the parents house and I am not sure I would want to unless things became serious and I wanted to meet them but it means my house has to always be on offer with the heating on, looking tidy etc so it is very one sided

@ComtesseDeSpair my dad lived with his parents until my grandpa died and my grandma is now in a home. His parents helped him financially with his first home on condition that they stay with him till death. And even when he upgraded to subsequent homes, they also followed him. Its a very common setup in asian homes. Also one reason why there is a property bubble in china- the properties are actually purchased with the incomes of at least 4 people.

my Mum got her first experience of living in a home without parents/in laws at the age of 56.

My partner does. Mostly to help out his elderly mother. She cooks for him, but that's the extent to which she helps out. Everything else regarding cleaning, laundry, diy, yard maintainance and general life admin he does himself.

I don't see anything wrong with it.

Like above depends on culture and needs and whether he pulls his weight practically and financially.

A grown man that has everything done for him and doesn't contribute - yuck. Even my 18 year old pays board (lives with his dad) and has to help. He's desperate to move out and is saving for his own place.

A grown man who is helping his parents out or who is saving or has a child who he needs help with, or would rather live with his family than alone, then yes.

I have a friends whose parents live with them because it works well for them - financially, childcare, practically, emotionally.