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Original poster

Men still living at home

119 replies

Bluebells34 · 19/10/2021 15:14

Would it turn anyone off if they met someone in their 30's or 40's that still live at home with their parents. Seeminly in a good job - no marital break down or loss of job - just still live at home out of choice

OP posts:
DampSquidGames · 19/10/2021 16:17

I thought it would be a hypothetical no from me (I’m married) until I became friendly with a 33 year old from my gym. He’s a lovely guy and lived in his parents home which I thought was a bit funny. Then after about a year of knowing he announced he’s buying a three bedroom house and has spent the last 15 years saving for a deposit of 120k. He worked out a big deposit was the only way to get a place as his earnings were never going to be enough to get a mortgage in the area.
I thought it was odd that he didn’t seem to do many nights out etc as I didn’t know he was saving up.

Dozycuntlaters · 19/10/2021 16:27

My fella still lives with his parents and he is 45. To be honest, I would not date anyone again in this situation because they always have it in their mind they can come ad move in with you. My guy, well he dated women, moved in with them then when it went tits up drift back home. he hates living with ma and pa, he's had enough of them, they've had enough of him and luckily he has just found a house to buy and it's going through. I do think though he is resentful that I won't live with him as he never wanted to buy a place on his own but seriously, at 45 he should have been sorted years ago. So no OP, if I ever date again I would not consider someone who does not have their own place.

krustykittens · 19/10/2021 16:28

Perhaps the culture of this country is going to have to change with the cost of housing being so high? I moved out at 18 but my eldest plans to be living here with us until mid/late 20s, until she has completed her degree and has saved a deposit for a place of her own. Depending on house prices, it may be longer. It depends on HOW that person is living with their parents. A trio of independent adults sharing and contributing- fine. Two adults with a grown ass dependent leaching off them - no.

onlychildhamster · 19/10/2021 16:29

Also not always an Asian thing- my DH rented a studio flat from a family in a posh part of Berlin while he was doing his masters and the extended family all lived together. They were architects/notaries and kinda had their self contained apartments within a large family home but would come together for meals. They were very old school and traditional.

onlychildhamster · 19/10/2021 16:33

@DampSquidGames when i was saving up, i did not tell anyone that I was saving up for my own place, they just thought of me as the strange person who lived with her MIL. its better to not tell anyone cos they will keep asking if you found a place and you might feel pressured to just put an offer for something less than optimal simply because you want to tell people- yes you finally own a place and am a proper adult.

Original poster
Bluebells34 · 19/10/2021 16:35

@krustykittens
Perhaps the culture of this country is going to have to change

Very true I work in social care and with cost of care/care homes/savings and properies having to be used to pay for care extended families that can provide care for the elderly may be the way forward - and with the cost of living and buying property it is not easy for the younger generation to get onto the property ladder

OP posts:
Pea22ches · 19/10/2021 16:39

Yes it would. Usually I find men living at home have a lack of responsibility not just men but women too. They can often be sheltered and I find it a bit odd. You are an adult and you need to experience leaving home it's a big deal and a huge red flag for me.

DampSquidGames · 19/10/2021 16:40

onlychildhamster that’s exactly what this guy did. He really wanted a girlfriend and had no luck, I hope he’s found one now. I haven’t seen him since the pandemic.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 19/10/2021 16:40

DS is in his mid 20s and still lives with us. He recently switched job and is now undertaking an apprenticeship. He earns just over £800 per month so there is no way he can afford to live independently. I certainly don't do his cooking and washing though!

WatieKatie · 19/10/2021 16:51

It’s an absolute deal breaker for me.

EmmalineC · 19/10/2021 16:52

My son, early 30's, currently lives with me and his dad, but it's temporary. He was midway through travelling the world (self-funded) when Covid stopped play. He was stuck in overseas for several months, before managing to get a flight back to the UK. When the world opens again, he'll resume his travels, but meanwhile he's living with us, he's got a job, and he's looking locally for a rental for him and his girlfriend.

And no, I am not changing the Mr Men duvet cover on his bed every week. Grin

A friend of mine went back to her OLD's 'house' only to discover he still lived with his parents and slept in his childhood single bed with posters of Kylie Minogue on the wall. He was 43 Shock

Original poster
Bluebells34 · 19/10/2021 16:58

@EmmalineC

A friend of mine went back to her OLD's 'house' only to discover he still lived with his parents and slept in his childhood single bed with posters of Kylie Minogue on the wall. He was 43

I am crying with laughter - did he not even realize how bad this is!?
Visions of Mr Men duvets, Kylie Minouge posters, single beds and mum shouting "your tea is ready son"!!!!

OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 19/10/2021 17:00

Yes it would put me off as it means I would never be able to go to his house as I wouldn’t fancy having sex with his parents in the next room

Original poster
Bluebells34 · 19/10/2021 17:04

One of these guys in their late 30s that still lived at home offered to come to my house to cook a meal for me. Felt awkward to have someone cooking in my kitchen - had to get all the pots and pans out for him - he turned up with a student cook book???!!! -meals you can make in 10 minutes. This was a nasty noodle slop. I said I was a student 25 years ago and he is not a student. I was so offended - he even left the dishes and mess he made for me to clear up. Should have had a word with his mother! That was definately the end of the road for me

OP posts:
ReadyforTakeOff · 19/10/2021 17:07

They are cheap losers - dump them IMO.

PleasantBirthday · 19/10/2021 17:08

My brother lives at home with my parents. He was in Australia for a decade, came home with a new job here and a deposit for a house saved and moved in with my parents until he got himself sorted and then the covid lockdowns hit.

Sometimes life just kicks you in the bottom.

Sparklfairy · 19/10/2021 17:14

It seems to be socially acceptable around here (SE) for people to live with their parents well into their 30s "to save", except very little saving actually happens. They just have more spare cash and spend it and convince themselves that any other living option is "expensive". Its not really. I'm not on a particularly high income and even that is variable and unpredictable and I manage to live alone, and flatshares are even better value.

I also find the ones that live alone can actually "adult" whereas the men I've dated who live at home have no clue about the real world, finances, how to do fairly basic tasks (washing?!) and are basically manchildren. They also always angle to move in with me really early on! I don't like to judge but I don't find it attractive. Get your shit together ffs. If you're living at home at that age with no fixed plan of how to get out, you're just waiting for the next free ride to come along.

Original poster
Bluebells34 · 19/10/2021 17:14

Totally respect the reasons why some stay at home due to circumstances and finances - so I hope I have not offended anyone - also I guess some people just do not like being on their own.

OP posts:
cheeselover2021 · 19/10/2021 17:19

Unless there is a legimate reason for them living at home - caring for an elderly parent, temporary following a genuine life incident it would really turn me off. Honestly anyone over about 26 who still lives with their mother would turn me off.

The not paying rent would be a double big fat no from me.

PleasantBirthday · 19/10/2021 17:20

@Bluebells34

Totally respect the reasons why some stay at home due to circumstances and finances - so I hope I have not offended anyone - also I guess some people just do not like being on their own.
Not offended at all, just saying that sometimes someone functional and normal can find themselves in a situation so ask questions - they might not be a Big Son!
Pyewackect · 19/10/2021 17:21

Yeah, I know one guy who lives with his parents into his late 30's. He had to move out following divorce and was fed-up renting a pokey one bedroom flat in Earls Court. To be fair, his folks own a fantastic Georgian property in South Kensington and a convered barn on the Dorset coast - which is how I know him. He's not looking for another relationship and is in no hurry to move out. He has his own highly successful buisness, see his kids at the weekend, and is happy with that. Lovely guy too.

Clandestin · 19/10/2021 17:29

A flat no from me. I think the ‘saving for a deposit’ thing is an alibi for unattractive adult dependency.

TheBlackArt · 19/10/2021 17:45

30s, maybe, but it would have to be their early 30s though. And depending on why they were still there.

40s? Absolutely not.

AliceinBorderland · 19/10/2021 17:55

No from bitter experience. I dated a man who lived at home at 35. He said that he had moved back in temporarily whilst his new house was being renovated. Fine by me.

He had lied. He had bought his own property and was renovating it. But he had never moved out of his parents home, not even to go to university. I don't know why.

He couldn't cook. Even though his house was liveable he didn't move in whilst we were together. Choosing to stay with mummy and daddy.

Then he cheated on me. Left mummy and daddy and followed her up north. Married her. He now lives with his wife and their child her parents in their home.

Honest to God it is bizarre how a man can live his whole life never being independent.

EarthSight · 19/10/2021 17:58

@Bluebells34

He said he lived with his girlfriend for a while about 6 years ago (rented accommodation) This is the second man I have met late 30's - at home. I find it very strange that they do not want their own space or decorate/buy things to their own taste. As much as I love my parents I could not live with them as an adult. He boasts about making a lot of money but pays no board or bills - no responsibilities. There are plenty of flats / houses to rent - It has really turned me off to be honest
Some people are extroverts so they would find living alone particularly difficult. Depending on where you live, it's not always easy to get mature, decent housemates your own age to share a nice house with, or to rent out to as a fellow lodger.

Having said that, I think it's so awkward to have friends or prospective partners over and not feeling watched over or parented, even at that age. The main driver of having your own place is not just decorating (some men really don't care and are quite happy to live in a hightly minimalist, empty, modern man-cave). The main driver is pride and having a place that you can conduct an independent social life. Maybe he's just not that bothered about doing that. It may be very comfortable for him at home, but having your parents there and it not being you house is just not the same.

I would be concerned if his parents, especially his mother, have made it so comfortable for him that it incentives him to stay. And a smothering mother who won't let her son grow up is a headache for you in future if that's the case.