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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Men still living at home

119 replies

Bluebells34 · 19/10/2021 15:14

Would it turn anyone off if they met someone in their 30's or 40's that still live at home with their parents. Seeminly in a good job - no marital break down or loss of job - just still live at home out of choice

OP posts:
anthurium · 20/10/2021 02:19

*not men, women (would be suspicious)!

Oswina · 20/10/2021 03:06

We all would be though.. how it must be nice! Mean while back in the real world

Yes, but we all aren't because we don't all live with parents at subsidised rent etc.

Nat6999 · 20/10/2021 03:34

I have a close male friend who is 55 & lives back with his parents since his relationship broke down. He is an only child & is in no way a mummy's boy, he leads his own life, has his own business & has his ds at weekends & school holidays.

Buggritbuggrit · 20/10/2021 03:37

@anthurium No, if I were single and dating, I’d be fine with your friend’s setup. Firstly, because he’s gone out and made something of his life, but chiefly because I wouldn’t term what he’s doing as ‘living with his parents/at home’, but ‘living in a property his family owns’. It’s a pretty major difference, from my perspective.

If he is fortunate enough to come from a family with multiple properties and can live alone in one (and be responsible for its and his own upkeep), then I don’t think most women would have a problem with it. Completely different to the usual scenarios being talked about here. Smile

Bluebells34 · 20/10/2021 08:40

@sunnyzweibrucken
You are definately not a loser - your story really touched me... I have tears in my eyes. I am a single mum and lost my mum when my daughter was only 5 (I was 35 too)
It sounds like you had a lovely relationship with your mum - a friendship. You lost your mum too early but how lovely you got time to spend with her and your daughter and those memories that you can keep.

OP posts:
TractorAndHeadphones · 20/10/2021 09:24

@anthurium

I have a friend who is in his early 40s. He spent almost a decade in the armed forces then left and went to university as a mature student to get a degree. A further few years were spent in the Middle East working followed by establishing a business on his own (lucrative self-employment). He did use the parental home to get his business established.

Before the self-employment, he did have two long term, serious relationships (totalling 10 years), both conducted outside the parental home (one when he was in the army and the other when he lived in the Middle East.

He's built up a very good business and is successful in what his does. The family home is largely unoccupied as parents live abroad so he lives there alone and takes care of the home repairing things/paying bills etc. 'paying his way'. He's more than capable to look after himself.

We often talk about the situation he's in, and I think without knowing the full story a lot of men might be suspicious of him. He would love nothing more than to have a project ie to renovate a home together with a partner, he is a skilled engineer, he says he doesn't have any desire to do this alone (although I think having discussed this at length with me), he can see that his set up might be a really big red flag to potential new relationships. It's not for the lack of money/inability to get a home of his own that's the issue; he could take on a reasonably large mortgage alone, it's the lack of a partner to do it with to create a home with that's 'keeping' him in his current situation.

For the posters on here, having now explained my friend's situation: would you be put off/see red flags still?

Your friend doesn’t live with his parents though. Just in their empty house. Completely unrelated to this post.
gannett · 20/10/2021 09:39

Lots of reasons adults might still live with their parents. Sometimes it's legit, sometimes it's necessary, sometimes it's a red flag. Lots of different factors too.

Actually the bigger red flag comes from the posters in this thread who are judgmental enough to write off anyone in this situation as a blanket rule.

Burnerphone21 · 20/10/2021 09:45

It puts me right off. I'm not single but I did chat to a few men who lived with parents when I was. I know it's quite judgey but you like what you like.

I think it's part of wanting your partner to have basic adulting skills. Though probably part of a wider picture rather than a stand alone red flag.

However expect it's going to be a lot more common now and going forward because we are all buggered for money!!

PyjamasOClock · 20/10/2021 09:49

I'd have said it would be a no in the past. However my BF who I met 2-3 months ago does - divorced about 3 years ago, and chronic/complex health problems that make it not that safe to live alone means he has moved back in with his DPs. He cooks, cleans, and is essentially a functioning adult. He comes here but that suits me as I have pets and chronic health problems with fatigue so not travelling is great. We are early 40s.

I think I'd maybe been a bit hasty in my judgement previously, and I'm happy that I'm not with someone that doesn't know how to adult - he'll wash up and do other things at mine without being asked.

TractorAndHeadphones · 20/10/2021 10:06

@gannett

Lots of reasons adults might still live with their parents. Sometimes it's legit, sometimes it's necessary, sometimes it's a red flag. Lots of different factors too.

Actually the bigger red flag comes from the posters in this thread who are judgmental enough to write off anyone in this situation as a blanket rule.

I personally wouldn’t write them off - but it shouldn’t impede on our love life whatever the reason. Dated quite a few men who lived with their parents who saved for a deposit or whatever - paid their way there etc but it was always a hassle going over so they preferred to stay at mine. But never compensated me for always having to tidy up etc! If all they do is ‘live’ with their parents and I can breeze in and out of their parents’ house as often as they do with mine then all good carry on
cheshirebloke · 20/10/2021 10:11

Is it the same for a woman who lives with her parents? My sister is late 30's and has never moved out or lived anywhere else. Didn't go away to uni or anything like that. She has a decent job and is independent. So no reason to have stayed at home, except the convenience. She cooks her own food by her own choice (because she wants to eat different food at different times), but my parents do her laundry etc. What throws me most is that she's always worked, got a reasonably well paid job, and never paid any board or rent, yet she doesn't have a penny in savings, or anything else to show for it.

rhowton · 20/10/2021 10:12

It would be a very quick no from me.

Clandestin · 20/10/2021 10:21

@cheshirebloke

Is it the same for a woman who lives with her parents? My sister is late 30's and has never moved out or lived anywhere else. Didn't go away to uni or anything like that. She has a decent job and is independent. So no reason to have stayed at home, except the convenience. She cooks her own food by her own choice (because she wants to eat different food at different times), but my parents do her laundry etc. What throws me most is that she's always worked, got a reasonably well paid job, and never paid any board or rent, yet she doesn't have a penny in savings, or anything else to show for it.
Absolutely, it's the same.
Bluebells34 · 20/10/2021 10:24

It is being the constant host - heating the house - making sure it is tidy, suggesting a cooked meal etc I feel quite a lot of resentment as I have a teenager and this is her home too - It is very small so you can not lose yourself in seperate rooms. I mentioned that she needs to feel comfortable in her own home which he took offense to. I don't go to his parents house and intrude on their space. I also work from home 5 days a week and a change of scene would be nice . For what ever reason he is living at home it just is not working for me - I did not want to pre judge and write him off straight away but all things considered it is not compatible with my situation.

OP posts:
Summertime16 · 20/10/2021 10:25

before covid I would say it was strange, as I moved out on my 16th Birthday but having to move back with my parents at the beginning of the pandemic. A lot of people my age - 33 in my area had to move back because of the pandemic - lots of reasons and with the ever increasing house/rental prices we are all stuck in a rut. So now I see it as the norm.

Comfortingpigeon · 20/10/2021 10:27

Hard no from me, smacks of not taking responsibility.

Bluebells34 · 20/10/2021 10:39

@cheshirebloke
I guess she spends money on other things? Gosh if I did not have to pay rent or bills I would have so much excess money.
Not had a holiday in years - no nights out, cant afford the hairdressers etc everything gets swallowed up in the house

OP posts:
cheshirebloke · 20/10/2021 11:18

@Bluebells34 Yes she must spend it on other things, not quite sure what though. Doesn't have a flash car (or any finance at all), not like she spends it on designer clothes, shoes handbags etc. Would go on a big holiday once a year, but hasn't for a couple if years due to the pandemic. She does go out quite a bit and she is a smoker, so I guess that gobbles a fair bit of money. Just that she doesn't have anything much to show for it, considering her living expenses are minimal.

I'm a single parent of 3, and my household income is less than my sister's, yet I manage to (over) pay a mortgage and maintain the kids out of it. Never taken them on a foreign holiday though.

TractorAndHeadphones · 20/10/2021 11:33

@Bluebells34

It is being the constant host - heating the house - making sure it is tidy, suggesting a cooked meal etc I feel quite a lot of resentment as I have a teenager and this is her home too - It is very small so you can not lose yourself in seperate rooms. I mentioned that she needs to feel comfortable in her own home which he took offense to. I don't go to his parents house and intrude on their space. I also work from home 5 days a week and a change of scene would be nice . For what ever reason he is living at home it just is not working for me - I did not want to pre judge and write him off straight away but all things considered it is not compatible with my situation.
You aren’t pre-judging though. The burden of visiting is one sided. Because he lives at home. why he lives at home is irrelevant but it’s unsustainable.

If living at home becomes normal and people treat it like any other house share - there wouldn’t be any need to think twice.

Just like how not driving isn’t thought about as ‘not driving’ per se but the very real consequences of not having access to transport. OK if your suits your lifestyle not ok if it doesn’t.

Buggritbuggrit · 20/10/2021 13:08

I think the desire to be seen as non-judgmental is ill placed in dating. That’s what dating is - judging, deciding if the other person's characteristics (including where they are in life and what they’re doing with said life) are to your liking.

You can reject/write off anyone for any reason you like and it’s absolutely fine. If you decided you only wanted to date one legged ginger pirates named Jack who had seven cats and lived on a narrow boat, that would be your right (if a bit limiting). Your vagina isn’t some sort of shelter, you’re not required to be egalitarian with it. Please ignore anyone who tells you that you do.

Comfortingpigeon · 20/10/2021 14:00

Amen buggritt, i was not judgemental ENOUGH in the past and got very burnt by it. Higher standards now and much happier. Parasitic men are a bugbear.

MagpieMary · 20/10/2021 14:04

You are assuming that everyone can afford to live on their own. Many can’t. My nephew still lives at home at 30. He has depression and has struggled to find work. He’s not there because he wants to be. He’s a lovely person in every respect. Just hasn’t got the money to live in a flat. I think you should avoid making blanket assumptions.

Pea22ches · 20/10/2021 14:34

@MagpieMary

You are assuming that everyone can afford to live on their own. Many can’t. My nephew still lives at home at 30. He has depression and has struggled to find work. He’s not there because he wants to be. He’s a lovely person in every respect. Just hasn’t got the money to live in a flat. I think you should avoid making blanket assumptions.
Many people have depression and are living on their own house. We all have a story to tell.

There's other options such as a house share.
OP has given context and if you want to call it judgmental so be it...@Buggritbuggrit is right

JustAnother0ldMan · 20/10/2021 14:47

@sunnyzweibrucken

I guess I'm a loser cause I lived with my DM up to her death and I was 35. And probably would've lived with her for many years more if she was still living. I was a youngish single mom, and instead of struggling on my own, and trying to find a roommate that I would probably end up hating I decided to live at home. It really was perfect. I still had to carry my weight, but although we were mother and daughter we were also roommates and had a lot of fun together.

And oddly, none of the guys I dated gave a rat's arse lol After she passed I "adulted" (that term grates lol) just fine. Bought a house, cooked my own food (was doing that anyway) and was taking care of life admin just fine which again I was doing even living with my DM. It was lovely having my DM there to help raise my DD, and 15 years later my DD has great memories of living with her GM. So I think it depends on the reasons and how the person is living. My DM didn't wash my clothes or cook for me (except for her special meals) or pay any of my bills. So I wouldn't pass on someone living at home without knowing all the details first.

Great post
gannett · 20/10/2021 14:51

@Buggritbuggrit

I think the desire to be seen as non-judgmental is ill placed in dating. That’s what dating is - judging, deciding if the other person's characteristics (including where they are in life and what they’re doing with said life) are to your liking.

You can reject/write off anyone for any reason you like and it’s absolutely fine. If you decided you only wanted to date one legged ginger pirates named Jack who had seven cats and lived on a narrow boat, that would be your right (if a bit limiting). Your vagina isn’t some sort of shelter, you’re not required to be egalitarian with it. Please ignore anyone who tells you that you do.

You can certainly date who you want but a lot of the judgment in this thread goes beyond dating - lots of posters are making very sweeping statements about other people's character and worth without acknowledging a wide range of legitimate scenarios.

But this is MN so anyone who isn't following a "normal" life path for whatever reason must obviously have something wrong with them.

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