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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Men still living at home

119 replies

Bluebells34 · 19/10/2021 15:14

Would it turn anyone off if they met someone in their 30's or 40's that still live at home with their parents. Seeminly in a good job - no marital break down or loss of job - just still live at home out of choice

OP posts:
IAAP · 19/10/2021 18:01

@MrsTerryPratchett

He boasts about making a lot of money but pays no board or bills

I have images of a Mr Men duvet set that his mother changes each week !

Double super no. RUN!!!

Run.

Also he will expect to move in with you and pay nothing or maybe you get to move in with both of them...............

Industrialwash · 19/10/2021 18:09

[quote onlychildhamster]@Bluebells34 I have a cousin- in-law from my home country who lived with mum until his 30s. Got married in his early 30s. He bought an apartment with his wife and got a mortgage for 5 years- not a fixed rate but the entire term of the mortgage was 5 years. So he would be mortgage free within 5 years (mid 30s) for a property that cost the equivalent of £400k. Doubtless he has a very good job but he probably wouldn't have that kind of deposit if he rented.

Meanwhile, everyone I know in London (no matter the salary) has extremely long mortgages. Actually even the people I know who live outside London do too. Its the price we pay for 'independence' I wish i could have stayed with MIL and saved up a bigger deposit than 15% but we have a different culture here. I honestly wouldn't have minded living with her till my mid 30s though I must say that I would probably have moved out for the duration of the pandemic (and it was then having my own home office in my apartment was amazing).[/quote]
I live in the south east, in a relatively good value area.
My bog-standard house worth approx £400k before the 1st lock-down is now worth £450k (according to my mortgage company).
I couldn't save £50k living with my parents for 18months.
House prices in the SE/London seem to rise quicker than you can save for a deposit

Mojoj · 19/10/2021 18:11

God no. That's well creepy.

RantyAunty · 19/10/2021 18:33

Hard no.

They could have flatmates.

onlychildhamster · 19/10/2021 18:36

@Industrialwash we saved 70k living with MIL for 3 years. There were 2 of us. And that time included job searching time. It was worth it and the only reason why I managed to buy at 27 in zone 3 London.

I mean, I could complain about outrageous house prices or I could stay with family until I saved enough? Am I a more responsible person if I didn't save the money staying with MIL but rented and went to my dad and asked him to buy me a house/give me a deposit like so many Londoners did. Doubtless if the question was- should I date a man who went to ask his parents for £150k deposit, the response would be 'of course parents should help their children'.

I would rather a man who lived with parents to save up his deposit than a man who just asks for money from his parents at age 35, but that's just me.

Industrialwash · 19/10/2021 18:38

@onlychildhamster - fine, you do you love.

Livpool · 19/10/2021 18:50

I was still at home when I was 31. No divorce but a bad break up knocked me

ZenHarmony · 19/10/2021 18:56

Yes! I think it shows a lack of independence and isn’t attractive. I always had a room at my folks but despite some awful rentals , I made sure not to return as it felt like going backwards. I left just after 20.
There could be temporary reasons or reasons like being a carer etc but In the main I wouldn’t find it attractive at all

Oswina · 19/10/2021 19:01

Potentially, not having a mortgage or full rent and council tax etc etc to pay for, he could be more well-off...

onlychildhamster · 19/10/2021 19:11

I just went to the Museum of the Home in Hoxton over the weekend. It was converted from almshouses- poor pensioners used to live there and each were allocated a room and their own coal but cooked communally. It did make me think that in the future, the people of my generation who can't afford to buy (30%) may end up in similar set-ups. I think Pensioner HMOs would become a thing. And for the next generation, the number of non home owners would grow.

I do think the next generation would think differently of living at home- if there was a 50% chance of ending up in an almshouse/pensioner HMO in old age, younger people would cherish the fact that a potential partner has the chance to build up savings while living with parents, thereby reducing the prospect of spending old age in shared accommodation with strangers. Of course the gold standard of a partner would be those whose parents can afford to buy them homes, and there would be many of those in future due to the wealth inequality. Just like in China where a man can't get a bride if he doesn't own his own home.

userchange987 · 19/10/2021 19:18

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Lampan · 19/10/2021 21:23

I was a ‘cheap loser’ for quite a few years. Living at home enabled me to travel loads, retrain for a new career and save a decent deposit for the house I have now. I would say it depends on circumstances.

Pea22ches · 19/10/2021 21:40

@Oswina

Potentially, not having a mortgage or full rent and council tax etc etc to pay for, he could be more well-off...
We all would be though.. how it must be nice! Mean while back in the real world
ComtesseDeSpair · 19/10/2021 21:45

@Lampan

I was a ‘cheap loser’ for quite a few years. Living at home enabled me to travel loads, retrain for a new career and save a decent deposit for the house I have now. I would say it depends on circumstances.
It will also depend on an individual’s family as well. My parents - who worship and adore me, so nothing to do with them being mean people - would have told me the time to travel the world and retrain for your dream job rather than work your way up is when you’re doing it on your own dime, not mooching off somebody else. And I’d agree with them. There’s no way my parents would have supported me to live with them rent-free for “quite a few years” as an adult whilst travelling around all over the place and enjoying myself in a carefree manner, and I’d never even have dreamt of asking.
Fifteentoes · 19/10/2021 21:54

[quote Bluebells34]@EmmalineC

A friend of mine went back to her OLD's 'house' only to discover he still lived with his parents and slept in his childhood single bed with posters of Kylie Minogue on the wall. He was 43

I am crying with laughter - did he not even realize how bad this is!?
Visions of Mr Men duvets, Kylie Minouge posters, single beds and mum shouting "your tea is ready son"!!!![/quote]
Sounds like your friend was dating Howard from The Big Bang Theory.

TractorAndHeadphones · 19/10/2021 22:04

I'm Asian and while it is normal to live at home we also traditionally don't shag before marrying and marry pretty early - so the model of living at home but doing all of the above really doesn't work. Someone in their 30's/40's single would be frowned upon.

Anyway - I'd be turned off unless there was a good reason for living at home. Rather than the other way around iyswim. If they're 30/40 now and always lived at home they've had plenty of time to buy a house. Compared to say moving back home after a life event.

TractorAndHeadphones · 19/10/2021 22:06

Also unless one lives in London or has a very low salary there's nothing stopping anyone from getting a room in a houseshare for example. But it's subjective.
Even DP and I can't bring ourselves to shag in his childhood bedroom. Which is strange... surely teenagers would have shagged in their own bedrooms at some point anyway?

Sittingonabench · 19/10/2021 22:07

It would be a turn off for me although I think that is my preference. Personally a trait I find attractive is independence and the struggle to establish yourself is part of that. Someone not paying board or contributing would indicate they aren’t independent and would need to develop these skills later.

TractorAndHeadphones · 19/10/2021 22:07

@TractorAndHeadphones

I'm Asian and while it is normal to live at home we also traditionally don't shag before marrying and marry pretty early - so the model of living at home but doing all of the above really doesn't work. Someone in their 30's/40's single would be frowned upon.

Anyway - I'd be turned off unless there was a good reason for living at home. Rather than the other way around iyswim. If they're 30/40 now and always lived at home they've had plenty of time to buy a house. Compared to say moving back home after a life event.

Come to think of it tho we do have multiple families living in the same house, married Don't know what i think now reallt
sunnyzweibrucken · 19/10/2021 22:11

I guess I'm a loser cause I lived with my DM up to her death and I was 35. And probably would've lived with her for many years more if she was still living. I was a youngish single mom, and instead of struggling on my own, and trying to find a roommate that I would probably end up hating I decided to live at home. It really was perfect. I still had to carry my weight, but although we were mother and daughter we were also roommates and had a lot of fun together.

And oddly, none of the guys I dated gave a rat's arse lol After she passed I "adulted" (that term grates lol) just fine. Bought a house, cooked my own food (was doing that anyway) and was taking care of life admin just fine which again I was doing even living with my DM. It was lovely having my DM there to help raise my DD, and 15 years later my DD has great memories of living with her GM. So I think it depends on the reasons and how the person is living. My DM didn't wash my clothes or cook for me (except for her special meals) or pay any of my bills. So I wouldn't pass on someone living at home without knowing all the details first.

countesskay · 19/10/2021 22:12

My two male friends lived at home, both very different.

First one mid 40s moved home from abroad to look after his now deceased parents. He's fully independent though there was a 'child' dynamic when he was with his parents.

Second is mid 30s, ever travelled, no university, lived at home forever, mum does his washing etc, I believe he can cook though. You can't go to his house due to a number of reasons, all a bit of a codependent mess really.

From a romantic point of view it's a turn off, more so if I can't go to their home otherwise I'm hosting all the time.

I think a lot of men who have never left home will only leave when they get a girlfriend/married etc

Otherwise why would they leave subsided rent or no rent and limited responsibility

Lampan · 19/10/2021 22:13

@ComtesseDeSpair rent free? I didn’t say rent free

onlychildhamster · 19/10/2021 22:19

@TractorAndHeadphones I was married to DH when living with MIL. I wouldn't live with a man unless I was married or engaged to him, but thats just me. to be fair, I also wouldn't sleep with a man unless I wanted to marry him but i think thats pretty unusual in today's world!

When I was born, my grandparents had my dad and mum, my aunt and uncle (they were engaged but not married at that point) and me all living in the same house. Aunt and uncle moved out after a few years, but I have memories of my aunt bathing me! my DH is white, but when we got married, his grandpa who came of age in Germany during the post war years said that he lived with his in laws after marriage cos they could't afford to live anywhere else, most of nuremberg was bombed out at that time. And his son and daughter in law also lived with him for a while while they were engaged before they got their own place. German banks were quite conservative at that time- they didn't give out large mortgages (which is also why so many Germans rent). Also, as I was an immigrant, I started out thinking I had to save 20% deposit for my flat in London as that is the case for most people on visas which was why I knew I didn't have much choice but to stay with my MIL; thankfully our mortgage broker found us a 85% LTV mortgage so we were only with my MIL for 3 years rather than 5 (and also the prices dropped due to Brexit and everyone moving to the sticks).

I think in the UK, a lot of people have been quite lucky in the sense that they were able to afford to buy their own homes and be established even while renting from age 18-20; and the fact that this is normal means that people who can't manage it are looked on unfavorably. But perhaps we would look upon that time of relative economic prosperity wistfully because I think post Brexit Britain would be much harder for young people going forward.

samesign · 19/10/2021 22:57

If he's gone back home and it's temporary maybe until he finds someone to live with again I don't see the problem, if there're the type to have never left home before the age of 40, well they don't normally ever.
Makes it awkward though as you wouldn't want to stay overnight at his parents house!

anthurium · 20/10/2021 02:17

I have a friend who is in his early 40s. He spent almost a decade in the
armed forces then left and went to university as a mature student to get a degree. A further few years were spent in the Middle East working followed by establishing a business on his own (lucrative self-employment). He did use the parental home to get his business established.

Before the self-employment, he did have two long term, serious relationships (totalling 10 years), both conducted outside the parental home (one when he was in the army and the other when he lived in the Middle East.

He's built up a very good business and is successful in what his does. The family home is largely unoccupied as parents live abroad so he lives there alone and takes care of the home repairing things/paying bills etc. 'paying his way'. He's more than capable to look after himself.

We often talk about the situation he's in, and I think without knowing the full story a lot of men might be suspicious of him. He would love nothing more than to have a project ie to renovate a home together with a partner, he is a skilled engineer, he says he doesn't have any desire to do this alone (although I think having discussed this at length with me), he can see that his set up might be a really big red flag to potential new relationships. It's not for the lack of money/inability to get a home of his own that's the issue; he could take on a reasonably large mortgage alone, it's the lack of a partner to do it with to create a home with that's 'keeping' him in his current situation.

For the posters on here, having now explained my friend's situation: would you be put off/see red flags still?

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