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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dumped by text

79 replies

Youme · 19/10/2021 14:27

Name changed and can't believe I'm writing this. Been with boyfriend for over a year. Things have been a little rocky at times but we agreed to work on these issues together and recently things have been going very well. We had a very heated discussion on the phone last night, he said something very hurtful at one point and I got very upset and hung up on the phone. I rang him back a while later and he wouldn't pick up. Instead he sent me a text over WhatsApp saying he can't do this anymore, take care and goodbye.

I can't believe it. We did have some issues but I didn't think enough to split up over. We were away on holiday recently and had a lovely time. He met my parents just 2 weeks ago. I don't understand how he can just switch. I'm in shock, seems so extreme, such a horrible way to end things without a proper explanation. We are both in our 40s btw so would expect more. I've tried ringing him since and no answer. I don't know what to do, feel absolutely sick today.

OP posts:
TackyJewellery · 19/10/2021 14:34

Do nothing. Consider this a lucky escape. You’ve only wasted a year on this man. Don’t waste any more time. You shouldn’t have to be dealing with arguments or ‘working on things’ so early into a relationship. The fact that you have been doing so is a red flag in itself.

Let him go. Don’t damage your dignity by begging for him back.

Pinkspecs · 19/10/2021 14:36

You have only been with him for a year, you should be still in your honeymoon period.
Let go and move on.

TheAverageUser · 19/10/2021 14:44

Agree with PP, you've only been together a short time so shouldn't be arguing yet really. Sorry you're going through it, break ups are horrible.

Youme · 19/10/2021 14:45

Looking back I guess these issues were red flags. But mostly we got on so well, we spent so much time together. We were talking about our future just last week, about living together in future etc. I was very much in love and thought he felt the same. I just can't believe it.

OP posts:
TertiusLydgate · 19/10/2021 14:46

Try and take the high ground. Don’t contact him; keep your dignity.

FleasInMyKnees · 19/10/2021 14:47

Try and not call him again, anyone in their 40s who ends a relationship via wattsapp is really not worth crying over.

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/10/2021 14:51

He kind of hasn’t “just switched” with no explanation if, in a relationship of only a year, there have already been a large number of “issues” and rocky patches. That’s the explanation, isn’t it? It doesn’t sound as though you’re compatible at all and, whilst a text break up feels terribly callous and cold, if there have already been multiple long discussions and agreements to work on the relationship, I can sort of get that he’s now just reached a point where he doesn’t want to do any more talking about what’s ultimately a dead horse.

Pick yourself up, acknowledge that this was not a good or healthy relationship for either of you, and move on to something much better with somebody more suited to you.

Goawayangryman · 19/10/2021 14:55

This happened to me about a year ago. It was absolutely awful at the time. I felt so hurt, cross, etc - and it was a much shorter relationship.

Took me a long time to get over but I now look back and think, thank god he showed me what he was so clearly, and also, that I didn't beg for him back. I blocked him as soon as he did it and then composed many angry texts to get it out of my system, which I never sent

Savoretti · 19/10/2021 14:56

Neither of you come out of this that well tbh with you hanging up on him earlier

TeachesOfPeaches · 19/10/2021 14:58

You got together during a pandemic so perhaps the relationship isn't working now everything is back to normal i.e he has more options now. Sorry OP

tiggerwhocamefortea · 19/10/2021 14:59

@Savoretti

Neither of you come out of this that well tbh with you hanging up on him earlier

This

No one here knows exactly what was said and the context it was said

IME most men automatically leap to the "I can't do this phrase" not necessarily meaning it but because they know that generally it will then be us that tries to fix things

Youme · 19/10/2021 15:02

I was crying that is why I had to hang up on the call at that time. He had said something very hurtful at the time which I will not repeat here. I was still willing to work on things though.

OP posts:
anon12345anon · 19/10/2021 15:03

Move on.... Flowers for you though......

And maybe a cheeky Wine tonight.....onwards and upwards x

SpookyPumpkinPants · 19/10/2021 15:08

(((Hug)))

It's crap. It hurts. But with a bit of space & objectivity I think you'll look back on this as a blessing in disguise!

You're only a year in & you've already had ups & downs & issues and you don't even live together yet

Wallow for today, then plan something nice for yourself. Some would say a 'spa' day or weekend away with friends, I'm more of a redecorate the bedroom type!

Salayes · 19/10/2021 15:11

What was the nature of the rocky bits? You don’t have to list them here of course but if you got a piece of paper and wrote down what the problems were you may realise that it’s a lot for only a year in each other’s lives. What I mean by that is having to work on issues so soon is really not a good indication you were compatible. So even though it’s painful maybe this is for the best long term. Sorry he’s ended things by text, that was disrespectful in my view.

TheFoundations · 19/10/2021 15:13

@Youme

I was crying that is why I had to hang up on the call at that time. He had said something very hurtful at the time which I will not repeat here. I was still willing to work on things though.
It doesn't matter what you did.

I've had this done to me. It's hideous. But after a while you start to realise that the relationship wasn't real. If he really cared about you last week, then he'd end the relationship in a caring way this week, wouldn't he?

Ripping the floor out from underneath you is really unkind and really cowardly. That's who he really is. That's the lowness he's comfortable to stoop to.

He's not the man you think he is; he's not the kind of man you could be in love with. I suspect that in time, you'll start to see the red flags more clearly, and this is what you need to focus on as you recover from this: your own ability to respond to the negativity in a relationship. You've glossed over it for him, and that's not a healthy approach.

For now, though, get one phrase into your head, and keep it there: Silence is dignity.

You can't take a man back who could act in this way, and no conversation will make any difference to how he feels or how you feel. He knows this will have made you feel shit. He knows it's unacceptable. He just doesn't care.

Anything you might want to say to him, you could equally say after a delay, so maintain complete radio silence for a month, and see how you feel then.

If your situation is anything like mine was, you'll be so glad you maintained your composure and didn't go crying or begging or asking for explanations or apologies.

You'll look back after a while roll your eyes, and think 'What a twat.' Give yourself time to get there.

Sorry this has happened. You're not the first, and it's not your fault. Flowers

Shmithecat2 · 19/10/2021 15:15

@TeachesOfPeaches

You got together during a pandemic so perhaps the relationship isn't working now everything is back to normal i.e he has more options now. Sorry OP
Way to kick someone when they're down Confused Spiteful much?
1forAll74 · 19/10/2021 15:23

This seems to happen quite a lot these days, as in people having phones, and texts are an easy way out of confronting people, with difficult issues..
If people can't be bothered to speak up front, or write a letter to you, explaining their actions, they are not worth bothering about.

It wouldn't bode well for any future,if a person has been dishonest with you about any plans spoken about before.

Youme · 19/10/2021 16:26

@TheFoundations thank you. I know you are right. I just can't believe it. Just a few days ago he was telling me how much he was in love with me etc, planning future trips etc. I feel like a failure and have no idea what I will tell my family now. I can't believe I was so stupid to introduce them. But I never thought this would happen. Despite some issues I thought we were very much in love. I'm sure in time I will realise I did gloss over a lot/put up with a lot more than I usually would do and feel like a fool now.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 19/10/2021 17:47

I feel like a failure

NOOOOOOOOOO!!

Stop that in it's tracks: You've been shat on. That's all. You weren't stupid to introduce him to you family: he was lying to you. The smartest, most savvy people in the world can get pulled in by lies, it just happens. What's good is that you were able to trust, even if it did happen to be misplaced on this occasion. And that's the part of you you have to protect.

There will be a reason you glossed over the red flags, and it won't be your fault. It'll be a seed that was planted in your thinking patterns when you were little. Probably something to do with your parents not placing enough importance on feelings, something like that.

What's happened to your relationship says NOTHING about you. Being bad a spotting deception isn't a skill required for healthy relationships, and it's his fault it wasn't a healthy relationship.

It's such a shock, I know. I remember! We were planning the layout of the smallholding we dreamed of on the Wednesday, and I was dumped by text on the Monday, and it was all to do with faults in me she'd spotted months back, apparently. She must have lied so much since she spotted 'all my faults'. She must have said 'I love you' even when she knew she was going to leave.

We shouldn't have to be on alert for stuff like this, but we learn to be, when we get burnt. It's a good lesson, honest. It's worth learning, but, jeez, you've got my sympathy right now. It really is a hard pill to swallow. Flowers

R0tational · 19/10/2021 17:55

Happened to me. He walked out when we were ...not even arguing ... when I remember saying I felt really bloated and self concious. I think we had little time together and he had wanted to go watch football with his dad during that time. Was all a bit awkward and then .... he just left and said he had enough. I called him and asked him if he wanted to come back and get in with afternoon and then that he was "done" with it all and that was that.
What a spineless twat to leave me after 9 month like that....

R0tational · 19/10/2021 17:57

I wrote him a passive aggressive message and blocked him and moved on. Of course I was hurt, but he showed his true colours there didnt he. We were a bit on and off anyway.

Point is men are twats. Dont hang up on people next time - what did he say? If it was something so awful you cant repeat it here, then i am really sorry. Give yourself time.

Tell us what his red flags were.
Time will soothe your pain. It is so difficult.

Pinkbonbon · 19/10/2021 18:00

He has done you a favor. Don't date people who say horribly hurtful things to you. They are no good.

I'm betting he might be a game player and be expecting you to message him like crazy as if you were the one in the wrong.

I'd block him now or guarantee he will be back in touch with some bs story when he realises up arent giving it 'how high?' now he has said to jump.

There was a story on here a year or so back from a lady who was dumped by text. When she didn't rise to it he bombarded her with messages. She didn't answer those either. It was epic.

Don't even reply. Just block.

JustAnother0ldMan · 19/10/2021 18:28

Happened to me, few years back last partner ended our relationship by WhatsApp over several long messages.
We were both in our 40’s some people are just shit.

QueenBee52 · 19/10/2021 18:34

Just met your Parents 2 weeks ago..

Talking about the future just last week..

sounds to me like someone got very cold feet and was waiting for any excuse to end this and He did..

You do not stay on a phone call being abused .. YOU HANG UP !!! nobody should be polite and listen to abuse ... Fuck that bollocks.. you did the right thing..

Lucky escape Lady... onwards and upwards 🌸

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