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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dumped by text

79 replies

Youme · 19/10/2021 14:27

Name changed and can't believe I'm writing this. Been with boyfriend for over a year. Things have been a little rocky at times but we agreed to work on these issues together and recently things have been going very well. We had a very heated discussion on the phone last night, he said something very hurtful at one point and I got very upset and hung up on the phone. I rang him back a while later and he wouldn't pick up. Instead he sent me a text over WhatsApp saying he can't do this anymore, take care and goodbye.

I can't believe it. We did have some issues but I didn't think enough to split up over. We were away on holiday recently and had a lovely time. He met my parents just 2 weeks ago. I don't understand how he can just switch. I'm in shock, seems so extreme, such a horrible way to end things without a proper explanation. We are both in our 40s btw so would expect more. I've tried ringing him since and no answer. I don't know what to do, feel absolutely sick today.

OP posts:
Alonghairinapie · 20/10/2021 20:26

It will get better trust us, FlowersSmile

Original poster
Youme · 20/10/2021 22:25

Thanks @Alonghairinapie missing him so much tonight though Blush

OP posts:
Babyghirl · 21/10/2021 16:13

@Youme
Just think the missing him and pain will not be to long to it goes, but if you go back if he trys you will always be walking on egg shells for him to walk out again and you will never be contant and happy because of that fear being their.

You will get there and you will be in a happier place for it 💐

madisonbridges · 21/10/2021 16:17

You don't think it was enough to split up over but he did. It might very well have been better for you but obviously not for him. If its not right at less than a year into the relationship, then it's not going to become right later and it's best you don't invest more time, effort and emotional energy in it.

Original poster
Youme · 21/10/2021 17:52

@Babyghirl @madisonbridges oh I know. Just makes the reality of things quite depressing. If you had seen us together you would never have known it would come to this but I guess he thought differently. I won't be contacting him, just miss him deeply.

OP posts:
madisonbridges · 21/10/2021 18:14

It's so hard when you've put a lot of yourself into the relationship and you've got plans for the future. But if you're not both in board, what can you do? You can drag things out longer but the outcome can be the same. Totally understand about missing him. I made the mistake with one relationship of making a couple of silent phone calls! He probably guessed it was me and it was no biggie in the scheme of things but shows the depth of what missing someone can lead to.
Be assured you will find someone who is a much better fit and you'll wonder why you wasted time in a relationship that kept you off guard and feeling insecure.

Gilda152 · 21/10/2021 18:26

Not meant in the spirit of one-uppery (because nobody wants to win at being treated badly) but my ex finished with me after 4 years of being together by posting a note and my door key through my door. I was blocked on everything and never heard from him again. He lives literally around the corner. The hurt and embarrassment I felt from being dropped like stone have never really left me, though I am happily married to my fabulous DH now. 50% knows he had the right to end the relationship for whatever reason he chose to and 50% will never recover from the way he did it. So I will say this, you WILL move on and you will probably meet someone far better for you but the sting from being so forcefully and resoundingly rejected does take time to heal within yourself.

layladomino · 21/10/2021 18:44

There's some really good advice here, and I agree wholeheartedly - don't contact him. Don't consider going back there.

Aside from the poor way he's treated you, you shouldn't have to be 'working at things' 6 months or a year in. If you have to work hard at that stage then it's better to move on.

You deserve better. You will be happeir and stronger after this.

Alonghairinapie · 22/10/2021 09:02

Hoping you’re ok today Brew @Youme

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 22/10/2021 09:04

Sometimes a year long relationship feels so long because you’ve put so much into it. But why? Because it was the wrong relationship for you and you shouldn’t have to work that much at it. Bravo for committing and trying, but when the effort is exhausting it’s time to step back.

Have a really chilled weekend, get out and have some fresh air, listen to a new podcast, watch a new show, don’t message him. Onwards!

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 22/10/2021 09:06

God reading your posts it’s so enticing, one of those ones where it’s nearly just right. Gutting :( but you’re back on track to find the right one, however hard that process starts - you’re doing it!

Original poster
Youme · 22/10/2021 12:54

Thank you for all the replies. I do appreciate it and keep rereading this thread to remind myself it wasn't a good relationship and he didn't behave in the best way. I was feeling OK this morning and then received a parcel. All my stuff that he has sent back! Just feels very cheap and the end of it all. No one has ever done that to me and I just feel it's such a low thing to do. I still have loads of his things here and in his goodbye text he said keep it all. But I don't want it. Too much stuff to send back through the post. Thinking I should just take to his house and leave outside? His actions at the moment make him seem like a horrible person but he wasn't like that at all in person and like I've said before just last week we had such a lovely time together. Now he's done and never wants to see me ever again? Just confused by this whole episode and sudden end Confused

OP posts:
SadSausage44 · 22/10/2021 13:25

Hi, I could have written this.... I got dumped after 2 years via whatsapp on Monday. Seriously, our now ex boyfriends sound like exactly the same person. The funny thing is, I'd already decided it was over on Friday night when his true colours came out at a family event and the police were called. I know you think you miss him now, I get it, I went through many cycles of the silent treatment and being made to feel utterly worthless and shit by his coldness... I am recovering from a hideous divorce and I think he saw me coming.
Anyway, I have now blocked him on everything. I responded to his shitty cold message, told him I deserved better and I was done. How fucking dare he try and dump me when he was the psycho who fucked up what should have been a fab evening.
What I guess I'm trying to say is, please don't go back over and over again like I did. He is trying to control you and it will get worse.
Take care, we really truly deserve better than this x

Dumpee · 22/10/2021 15:12

Ignore, and he'll come crawling back... They always do. My heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself. You're worth so much more Flowers

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 22/10/2021 16:02

Take the highest road you can (nicely leave his stuff somehow safely at his house). Then totally block. I had something similar - it was SO close. He was really perfect, so much about us matched in a really rare way. But… it wasn’t right. I’m trying to take the high road here but turns out yes we had so much in common but he was a total twat in his behaviour and kept it held back for as long as possible until the rest of his personality was revealed.

What I thought was a horrid change in personality was him just revealing the real thing. He could act one way, but only for so long. He was horribly domineering so I’m so grateful it ended (a long time ago). Still strange to me though! Like Jekyll and Hyde, I miss the man I thought I knew but am beyond grateful not to be tied to the real him. My personality would have been eroded by him, and I wouldn’t be the me I enjoy being and was when we met.

(If any of that makes sense!)

Original poster
Youme · 24/10/2021 11:17

@SadSausage44 oh gosh. Have you heard from or contacted him since?

@Dumpee thank you Flowers

@Backstreetsbackalrightdadada thanks, I will have to return his stuff at some point. What do I do? Ring on doorbell or leave outside? Can't believe a relationship has even ended like this.

@Gilda152 meant to reply earlier. Sounds awful. How did you cope? Did you ever hear from him again or bump into him? Must be so strange with him living around the corner.

OP posts:
Sillawithans · 24/10/2021 13:36

Just bin his stuff. He's told you he doesn't want it.
Time to let this go now and not look for excuses to be in touch with him.

Mychocolateteapotsmelted · 24/10/2021 13:40

No advice OP 🌺 but you sound really lovely..some good advice on here from these lovely mumsnetters 🙂 hope everything turns out ok for you xx

Original poster
Youme · 24/10/2021 16:47

@Sillawithans he left quite a few big and expensive items here like his ipad. I can't believe he doesn't want that back. He hates me so much to get his ipad and all other things back?! I don't want them but also don't want to bin them. I know I'm probably still in shock but can't believe it ended in this childish way. Throughout our whole relationship I never would have thought it would end like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Youme · 24/10/2021 16:50

@Mychocolateteapotsmelted thank you. Feel absolutely awful but am trying.... Blush

OP posts:
Brightmagic2021 · 24/10/2021 16:53

I had someone tell me he didn’t want his stuff back and to chuck it away which I did even though it didn’t feel right. Three weeks later he changed his mind and asked for it back!

I think you should put it on his doorstep if he lives near enough and just leave it.

beastlyslumber · 24/10/2021 16:59

[quote Youme]@Sillawithans he left quite a few big and expensive items here like his ipad. I can't believe he doesn't want that back. He hates me so much to get his ipad and all other things back?! I don't want them but also don't want to bin them. I know I'm probably still in shock but can't believe it ended in this childish way. Throughout our whole relationship I never would have thought it would end like this.[/quote]
Put them on ebay...

Only joking. I expect he's told you to throw them out knowing that you won't and he'll be able to come by at some point and gaslight the shit out of you. Any of his friends/family you could leave things with? Or just drop them off outside his house. Don't keep them or trash them - it's a trap.

Original poster
Youme · 24/10/2021 17:01

@Brightmagic2021 oh no, lol! Serves him right I guess. What was his response when you told him you had thrown it away?

I can't imagine my now ex really not wanting his stuff back and was going to return it but no idea if he'll be in. Which would mean I'd have to contact him but he's already dumped me over text and I don't want to contact him (well a big part of me really does but I won't). Otherwise leaving a whole load of big and valuable items on his doorstep? Confused

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 24/10/2021 17:03

This is all a drama on his part and poor emotional management.

Telling you to bin his ipad...the parcel of possessions...the drama of the cold sulk. What a big baby.

Bin his stuff. Perhaps he will learn not to say things he doesn't mean and that he needs to behave in a civilised way.

Honestly, what a child making someone cry then acting outraged that they didn't stick on the line for more abuse!

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 24/10/2021 17:11

It’s not exactly come out of the blue has it. And it’s not like he just texted you…it sounds like he was prob about to finish it anyway (or was hoping that you would after he said that really hurtful thing). It shouldn’t be that much hard work and have the ability to make you feel that badly so i think you know it’s prob for the best anyway. If you feel that there’s still things left unsaid then maybe wait a week and then write to him.