Dumped by text

[Youme]

Name changed and can't believe I'm writing this. Been with boyfriend for over a year. Things have been a little rocky at times but we agreed to work on these issues together and recently things have been going very well. We had a very heated discussion on the phone last night, he said something very hurtful at one point and I got very upset and hung up on the phone. I rang him back a while later and he wouldn't pick up. Instead he sent me a text over WhatsApp saying he can't do this anymore, take care and goodbye.

I can't believe it. We did have some issues but I didn't think enough to split up over. We were away on holiday recently and had a lovely time. He met my parents just 2 weeks ago. I don't understand how he can just switch. I'm in shock, seems so extreme, such a horrible way to end things without a proper explanation. We are both in our 40s btw so would expect more. I've tried ringing him since and no answer. I don't know what to do, feel absolutely sick today.

@TheFoundations

I feel like a failure

NOOOOOOOOOO!!

Stop that in it's tracks: You've been shat on. That's all. You weren't stupid to introduce him to you family: he was lying to you. The smartest, most savvy people in the world can get pulled in by lies, it just happens. What's good is that you were able to trust, even if it did happen to be misplaced on this occasion. And that's the part of you you have to protect.

There will be a reason you glossed over the red flags, and it won't be your fault. It'll be a seed that was planted in your thinking patterns when you were little. Probably something to do with your parents not placing enough importance on feelings, something like that.

What's happened to your relationship says NOTHING about you. Being bad a spotting deception isn't a skill required for healthy relationships, and it's his fault it wasn't a healthy relationship.

It's such a shock, I know. I remember! We were planning the layout of the smallholding we dreamed of on the Wednesday, and I was dumped by text on the Monday, and it was all to do with faults in me she'd spotted months back, apparently. She must have lied so much since she spotted 'all my faults'. She must have said 'I love you' even when she knew she was going to leave.

We shouldn't have to be on alert for stuff like this, but we learn to be, when we get burnt. It's a good lesson, honest. It's worth learning, but, jeez, you've got my sympathy right now. It really is a hard pill to swallow.

Thanks @TheFoundations it's true, these things are from childhood. How did you know that? My parents didn't put any importance on my feelings and I don't know how that impacts on relationships today.

Sorry about your relationship ending. Did you ever get any explanation? Did you ever see her again?

@QueenBee52

Just met your Parents 2 weeks ago..

Talking about the future just last week..

sounds to me like someone got very cold feet and was waiting for any excuse to end this and He did..

You do not stay on a phone call being abused .. YOU HANG UP !!! nobody should be polite and listen to abuse ... Fuck that bollocks.. you did the right thing..

Lucky escape Lady... onwards and upwards 🌸

Yeah I felt everything was so fragile at the end to be honest and a lot on his terms. He wanted the upper hand and that's probably why he used WhatsApp. He said in the past once he says goodbye that's the end and he made that clear today.

I have blocked him now to stop myself getting back in touch. But honestly I feel devastated. I have things of his all over my house, photos everywhere. He spent a lot of time with my DC. I have no idea what I will tell them.

Despite our differences I thought we were moving towards a lovely future together. I had a horrible divorce many years ago, really worked on myself and was very picky with men. Thought I had finally found someone I saw a future with hence the introduction to my family. Feel like such an idiot now.

it's true, these things are from childhood. How did you know that

Because you've done the same as every other intelligent, emotionally aware person does: you've learned the lessons your parents taught you about how to deal with your emotions, and you've taken those lessons and applied them to your adult life. You're doing it now, when you call yourself an idiot, a fool, a failure. You need to learn to take care of your emotional self, rather than putting her down. She's still a little girl, and she's the one you're calling a failure.

Adulthood means 'not needing parents any more'. We learn to parent ourselves. And pretty much all of us do it by copying our parents; either their relationship between themselves or their relationship with us. So if you grew up with 'Shush, Youme, your feelings aren't the important thing, here..' that's what you'll say to yourself as an adult, whilst he's making it all about him, and having more and more things his way. And those are the red flags you ignore; not his behaviour, but your own 'red flag' feelings in response to his behaviour. You're so used to minimising and even ridiculing your own feelings that it feels second nature to you; an uncomfortable comfort zone.

Start listening to your emotions. Stop talking the 'core you' down. If a kid got lied to, would you call them an idiot for believing the lie? A fool? A failure? You need to take care of the kid in you like your parents never did. Listen to her, respect her; she's your heart, your nature, the wild part of you, the beauty of you. If you care for her gently, she will guard you; she will uphold your boundaries, she will bring the resistance and anger when someone tries to disrespect you. But whilst you continue to insult this instinctive part of you, your boundaries will never be secure.

When it's a rocky relationship from the start it rarely improves, hope is the only thing that keeps it going but it's false projection when it was never stable to begin with.
Come to agreement with yourself that it's for the best to move on.

Thanks @TheFoundations crying here. Yes, I should be easier on myself. I felt I did have strong boundaries when I met him and often spoke about how I felt but it seemed he did not listen/care many times. Do you mean the relationship was based on a lie?

@samesign it wasn't rocky right from the start, maybe 6 months in. I just thought we could work through it all. Many parts of the relationship were still good. Still can't believe what has happened. Feels like an awful dream. He has been a huge part of my life in the last year, difficult to accept he ended it all over text.

@Youme

Thanks *@TheFoundations* crying here. Yes, I should be easier on myself. I felt I did have strong boundaries when I met him and often spoke about how I felt but it seemed he did not listen/care many times. Do you mean the relationship was based on a lie?

The hardest part of letting go for me was in realising that I would never know which parts, if any, of the love she declared to me, were true, or real. It tainted all the memories, and actually, I've only just realised as I think about it now, a few years on, I have no happy memories of that relationship at all, even though in my mind I know that we had some lovely times together. It feels like the whole thing was an unpleasant trick.

I messaged her a little bit after we broke up (she wouldn't pick up the phone) in a 'You can't be fucking serious..?!' sort of way, but after a few short answer replies in which she basically blamed me an my behaviour (including some fabrication/loose interpretation), I realised it was pointless.

I would honestly suggest to you to be silent and dignified, now. You'll look back and be glad you did. I know it's practically impossible, though.

Look at your boundaries when you've had a bit of time to recover - you need to be nice to yourself for now, take it easy, and wait for the reeling feeling to stop.

I am so sorry OP . I wish I could say something to make you feel better as it is rotten and as someone said earlier in this thread, a bitter pill to swallow. To send that whats app message and not have the decency to answer the phone to at least talk to you is cowardly and cruel.

He has shown you his true colours and who he really is. Stop all contact now and don't beat yourself up about what you did, how he said he loved you days before, introducing him to your family, etc. You weren't to know he'd turn on you like this and you did NOTHING wrong. Anyone who can turn so cold so sudden has serious issues so don't think it's you at fault here, because it is not.

I had an ex who did something very similar many years ago. Things (I thought anyway) were going really well, we went on lovely days out and holidays together, he told me he loved me numerous times within days of suddenly stopping all contact out the blue, and eventually messaged saying we were over. At the time I was devastated but now looking back, I can see him for the coward he was, and possibly still is. It won't feel like it now but you have had one lucky escape.

If he said something to you so horrible on the phone that you were crying and had to hang up, something so so bad that it can't be repeated on here then you've had a lucky escape OP

Bad enough he's said something so upsetting in the first place but even worse that he then breaks up with you via text for being upset!! What did he expect after what He said?

I think the PP that said he was looking for an excuse to end it was probably right.

So sorry OP - it's hard now but for the best in the long run

@TheFoundations I know what you mean. How can a person go from supposedly loving you to ending it via text! I'm sorry your relationship ended in that way.

Thank you @frazzledmummy123 Sorry you went through this too. It is cowardly and cruel. Did you ever hear from your ex again?

You've had some good advice here OP. Well done on blocking him - it's actually reasonably likely that he'll come back to "hoover" you (draw you back in to give himself an ego boost and then dump you again) so be prepared. Take this as an opportunity to take care of yourself, do something nice, remind yourself of the lovely person you are.

@hg165 yes I think in the end he turned everything around so even if I was upset about something he didn't care. He said in the past if I ever hang up on the phone it will be the end so regardless of what I was upset about it, I did hang up in the heat of the moment and he ended it immediately!

Thinking about it the last few months have been very tense and felt very unstable. I said to him at one point things feel like they could end at any moment because we were having many disagreements. But he reassured me that we just needed to work together and for a while things went well. Whole thing seems fake now.

I know he won't contact me and I won't contact him either. Just very sad that this relationship was once so hopeful and promising and now it's ended in this way.

I personally think post 40s kids/exes/baggage relationships often come with some difficult moments within the first year. In this age group we can rarely just 'be a couple ' there's a lot of connections/realities beyond ourselves to navigate and it won't always be smooth. So on that score I dont think difficult times is necessarily a red flag. The way they're handled is where it all comes out. And he's handled this by firstly having things his own way and sticking to some ridiculous rule 'if you put the phone down, We're done' and he's done it by text and then ignored you. After a year, meeting kids and family. Its incredibly self centered. Thats a hin problem, not a you problem. Give it time. As the foundations says. Maintain your dignity and your silence, you'll be grateful for it before long

Grit your teeth hold on tight and block him
Take good care of yourself

Those are lovely words.

I meant, by @TheFoundations, earlier

He said in the past if I ever hang up on the phone it will be the end so regardless of what I was upset about it, I did hang up in the heat of the moment and he ended it immediately!

Sorry - I know you liked him but he really sounds like a self-satisfied nob to me. Anyone who makes those type of grandiose statements takes themselves WAY too seriously.

Stop thinking about the happy times. Start thinking about the thing he said to you that was so horrible you cried.

I'm thinking he stage-managed this too, to get you to lose control and hang up on him so he could use that as a watertight reason to finish it.

Honestly OP I think you've had a lucky escape and that you will believe that too, very soon, much sooner than you expect.

This type of person is so easy to get over. You'll notice your confidence coming back. Then you'll notice how many of his opinions were just rubbish. Then your friends and family will admit they didn't think he was that nice. Then you'll notice how light and hopeful your life feels without his presence.

@Youme no I didn't hear from him again, however I did say in my reply to him to never contact me again. In the text he ended it (after vanishing on me) he had the cheek to ask if could be friends . I told him straight that no we couldn't, in middle of being dumped by the silent treatment and then text no way was I being friends! So insulting too that he could one minute tells me he loves me and the next want to be just friends.

What he said about it being the end if you ever hung up on him sounds like he is a narcissist. So self important and almost a 'one strike and you don't deserve my attention' type of attitude. Narcissists need to be avoided as they are very cold.and hurtful people. Move on from this ego maniac and try to focus on what he did at the end, not the good times although that isn't easy

As I said earlier, anyone who turns cold like the flick of a switch has serious issues, and it is nothing you did. Hanging up on someone who insulted and hurt you is perfectly underatandable behaviour. His is not.

*understandable

OP you're well rid of a 'man' in his 40s who ends a relationship via WhatsApp.

@TheFoundations has done a fantastic job of helping you realise you deserve so much better

I agree with the stage managed comment.

He told you if you ever hung up the phone on him that would be it?

Then says something hurtful on the phone to you?

So your choice was - listen to the hurtful comments and just keep on the phone because he's already planted the seed in your head that if you hang up its over. Anyone with self respect would not continue a phone call while being abused in such a way.

You did the right thing. You hung up, had self respect and now he's following through on his threat and has ended it because you have shown more self respect and boundaries then he expect you to.

If you continued the same behaviour would occur, he can treat you horribly, and you better not hang up any phone call or its over. What a feeling to have. Constantly on eggshells incase you upset him, argue and never be allowed to hung up on him.

nahhhhhhhh let him go. He can try this crap on someone else.

Be proud you wont be treated like a doormat. There are plenty of men out there. Remove him and find someone better

@Monty27

Grit your teeth hold on tight and block him Take good care of yourself

Thank you. Attempting this now and hoping this feeling won't last for long

@AlbertBridge

He said in the past if I ever hang up on the phone it will be the end so regardless of what I was upset about it, I did hang up in the heat of the moment and he ended it immediately!

Sorry - I know you liked him but he really sounds like a self-satisfied nob to me. Anyone who makes those type of grandiose statements takes themselves WAY too seriously.

Stop thinking about the happy times. Start thinking about the thing he said to you that was so horrible you cried.

I'm thinking he stage-managed this too, to get you to lose control and hang up on him so he could use that as a watertight reason to finish it.

Honestly OP I think you've had a lucky escape and that you will believe that too, very soon, much sooner than you expect.

This type of person is so easy to get over. You'll notice your confidence coming back. Then you'll notice how many of his opinions were just rubbish. Then your friends and family will admit they didn't think he was that nice. Then you'll notice how light and hopeful your life feels without his presence.

Many thanks @AlbertBridge. I know they are grandiose statements and they made me act in ways I wouldn't usually do like trying to make more effort with him. Fight or flight response I guess as I didn't want to give up on the relationship.

Thank you though for all the comments on here. I am starting to stand back and see it more for what it was. What type of person ends something over WhatsApp saying goodbye forever when he was just telling me he loved me two days before? God, there are many things I need to work on/improve myself on but it is stooping so low.

It's a horrible way to end things. But I agree with PP, things shouldn't be this hard after only a year. If you can't get through the honeymoon period you'll never make it through all the real shit life throws at you during the course of a relationship.

On to the next

@Fruitandnuts

I agree with the stage managed comment.

He told you if you ever hung up the phone on him that would be it?

Then says something hurtful on the phone to you?

So your choice was - listen to the hurtful comments and just keep on the phone because he's already planted the seed in your head that if you hang up its over. Anyone with self respect would not continue a phone call while being abused in such a way.

You did the right thing. You hung up, had self respect and now he's following through on his threat and has ended it because you have shown more self respect and boundaries then he expect you to.

If you continued the same behaviour would occur, he can treat you horribly, and you better not hang up any phone call or its over. What a feeling to have. Constantly on eggshells incase you upset him, argue and never be allowed to hung up on him.

nahhhhhhhh let him go. He can try this crap on someone else.

Be proud you wont be treated like a doormat. There are plenty of men out there. Remove him and find someone better

Thanks @Fruitandnuts you are absolutely right. I woke up today feeling very sad but also relieved. I did feel in the last few months we could split up at any time and despite his reassurances he proved my gut feeling was right. It's a horrible feeling to feel so unstable and insecure in a relationship and wonder where things are going. It was up and down for a while. Anyway, once this initial shock/sadness lifts I hope life will feel a bit better.