OH says they are scared of me

[MemoriesOfTomorrow]

Ok, first of all i'm no angel. Lots to work on to be a better person and partner. And so much other stuff going on in our relationship I literally don't what's going on and how to make it better.
Bit of background...
I do lose my temper. I'm aware of it and i am trying to change it. I am 100% responsible for my own actions and do not blame my OH for it. Losing my temper usually means i raise my voice, and can get a bit sweary. The last time i raised my voice was about August. And probably twice more earlier in the year. In the last approx 5 years i have chucked a remote control across the room, chucked a tea towel across the room, dropped a potted plant i was holding (in a shop), and chucked a baking tray. Not at anyone. And not intended to be intimidating or threatening. Purely out of frustration during an argument. Mostly because I feel i am not being listened to. Which is no excuse. I appreciate that is not a nice place to be for my OH, and is a bad way to behave. I am really working hard to change that. I do try to walk away when i feel frustrated but that doesn't seem to stop the argument. I have left the house a few times to calm things down and spent the night with nearby family.

The anger thing is definitely my problem.

Along side that, I am constantly being told off for my behaviour. Not the losing my temper stuff. Just stuff i'm doing wrong, and stuff that they don't agree with, stuff I'm told a normal person wouldn't do, not supportive etc.. Some of these things are fair, and I have listened to how my OH feels and tried to change and be better. Some of them not so fair, or probably more like we have a different opinion, which is ok, we just need to learn how to deal with having different opinions.

My frustration is that when I am being told off about something my OH is unhappy about, it's really like a teacher or parent and child situation. Very much being told off. One way traffic. Not a conversation. And every week it's something new, and always a massive deal. I've tried explaining how this feels, but am told "I'm just telling you the facts". I don't mind things being pointed out if I've been a bit selfish, or inconsiderate - which i can be sometimes, but being spoken to like a child is really tough, and constantly being told i'm a rubbish partner and make them unhappy.

Because I've tried to explain how it feels to being on the receiving end of the "telling off", my OH now says that they feel like they can't say anything to me because of this.

I've been told i'm manipulative, and controlling, and a bully. I don't want to be any of those things. And genuinely don't know if I am or not. I've said that i'm sorry if that's what i'm doing, I don't want to be like that and we should end the relationship because that can't be nice for you.

Then on top of that the anger issue is a problem and am now being told that they are worried it might lead to violence. I don't want any one to be scared of violence.

I 100% take responsibility for my actions. However I don't get angry about anything my OH has done, i'm very much a "just let it go, it might bother me right now, but will it bother me tomorrow? If no then just forget it and everything will be fine" type of person.
It only happens when I'm being told off for the millionth time and i can't take it anymore. So i've tried to talk about that and talk about ways we could help each other. But they always see this as me blaming them for my behaviour and then i get the line "Domestic abusers always blame the other person"

I do not want to give up on this relationship. I hope my OH doesn't either. We both have children. Our step children have a very close bond.

Any advice or thoughts will be appreciated. I want to make life better for us both.

If anyone is interested in the potted plant in a shop situation - it's another example of my poor behaviour. I picked up a plant in a shop and said this would be nice for our bedroom. A short version of the response i got was "our bedroom is disgusting and you keep making it worse, there is no way we are having that in our bedroom"
Stupid I know but i lost control, so i dropped the plant and walked off without saying a word. I think the plant fell out of it's pot. In my head i was fuming. I couldn't help but think to myself, I'm a grown adult, surely i'm at the stage in my life where I should be able to make a decision for myself that is relatively inconsequential to anyone else. We haven't even talked about the plant in the bedroom bit because my dropping the plant in the shop has dominated the conversation, "childish, aggressive, embarrassing, you've got no self control, scared about what is going to happen next"

Sounds awful, you'd both be better off single, surely?

@tofuschnitzel

It sounds like your DP browbeats you so much that you are left with very little agency to respond in those situations, hence lashing out in frustration. What you have written seems to me that he can be as vile to you as he likes, with no repercussions, because he has painted you as angry and abusive, and you are not allowed a say. That's not bloody fair at all.

It sounds like your DP is the abusive one.

Absolutely

It sounds like you may well have anger issues but it sounds to me like he’s the manipulative one to me.

Yeah. I left and then Divorced a partner who had a temper like yours and threw things in rage and frustration.

I wonder where the OP has gone?

You need to get your children out of this household. It’s not a healthy situation/. Once you have established an independent life, spend some time working on yourself. You need to both want to be in a relationship where you are treated well and get a handle on your anger.

The abuser never wants to give up on the relationship.

@beastlyslumber

Sorry but I don't think OP is a woman talking about her male partner. This is a man trying to gaslight the woman he abuses. He will take any sympathetic responses here and use them as ammunition.

I could be wrong but please consider the possibility before commenting.

Or it could be a woman talking about a female partner. Lots of they/them instead of he/she.

Or it could be a woman talking about a female partner. Lots of they/them instead of he/she.

Why not just say, if that's the case?

I think the 'they' is to obscure that the OP is a man. As a pp said, this may have been inspired by another thread where the female partner had lashed out in anger after being goaded and bullied by her OH. I suspect this guy saw that and decided this would be a good way to get the kind of messages he needs.

Of course I could still be wrong but there are lots of little giveaways in the OP, and he's not been back to the thread.

@Walkingwounded

I lived with an abusive DH for a long time. The relationship was one of coercive control. Always being told off, my faults pointed out, controlling through moods and many other things.

At the time I thought I had a terrible temper as I used to feel so frustrated at being controlled, unheard, not listened to. I used to shout.

Two years of women’s aid support later - and having left - I see that the problem wasn’t me. Now I am out, I have no temper at all. Just as I didn’t before I met him.

I don’t know if you are abusive or your OH is. But did you have a temper before you met? Either way, counselling just for you will help. Choose a therapist who has worked with abusive relationships, and can recognise the signs.

I have experience of this and thought the same. If this is the case you need to draw the boundary at being bullied, not being heard or allowed to make your own decisions and leave. If it's got to the point where you are bubbling over in anger and throwing things then your boundary has been pushed to far and you should already have left with dignity and no temper. You can't 'make' an abusive person see what they are doing, you can only set your limit and stick to it. Keep working on yourself, good luck.

My frustration is that when I am being told off about something my OH is unhappy about, it's really like a teacher or parent and child situation. Very much being told off. One way traffic. Not a conversation. And every week it's something new, and always a massive deal. I've tried explaining how this feels, but am told "I'm just telling you the facts"

OP - could we have some examples of the type of conversation this describes?

Either you're abusive or they are gaslighting you ....
Time to leave either way

Can the astounding people saying 'You are abusive' consider their words please? Do you know how that might make someone feel? And can't you see how little information and expertise you are basing this HUGE accusation on?

I don't think this person is necessarily abusive. I don't think throwing things (if it's not at someone) or dropping things is necessarily abusive without coercive control or manipulation happening too.

OP, can you let us know your sex and the sex of your partner please? (sorry if I missed this further up). It does make a difference. Men are stronger, bigger and more violent/aggressive cos of testosterone so the same actions can feel very different done by a man or woman.

Either way you probably could work on your temper and on responding, in control, rather than reacting, out of control (though literally everyone in the world needs to work on that!!). Have you tried meditation, yoga or mindfulness? That has really helped me stay in control of how I respond to people and things. There is a really good free app called Insight Timer, which I use.

You might need to get couple's therapy. You definitely need to work on your communication and sort some stuff out urgently. I'm not sure your partner is taking responsibility for their part in this.

Good luck. We expect so much from our partners nowadays. It's hard af.

@saltandherbsandnothingnice bollocks. Partner is scared of OP, that is abusive. Throwing things, shouting, smashing things in public. Disgusting behaviour whether male of female

Life rule number 1: Stay away from people who make you lose your shit.

That's all you need to do, OP.

Lots to work on to be a better person and partner

Which other relationships in your life make you feel you need to be a better person?

Can you give some examples of you being "told off". Hard to tell wether you are justified in eventually losing your temper, or wether you are a lazy slob that leaves everything for your partner to take care of?

Whether