Ok, first of all i'm no angel. Lots to work on to be a better person and partner. And so much other stuff going on in our relationship I literally don't what's going on and how to make it better.
Bit of background...
I do lose my temper. I'm aware of it and i am trying to change it. I am 100% responsible for my own actions and do not blame my OH for it. Losing my temper usually means i raise my voice, and can get a bit sweary. The last time i raised my voice was about August. And probably twice more earlier in the year. In the last approx 5 years i have chucked a remote control across the room, chucked a tea towel across the room, dropped a potted plant i was holding (in a shop), and chucked a baking tray. Not at anyone. And not intended to be intimidating or threatening. Purely out of frustration during an argument. Mostly because I feel i am not being listened to. Which is no excuse. I appreciate that is not a nice place to be for my OH, and is a bad way to behave. I am really working hard to change that. I do try to walk away when i feel frustrated but that doesn't seem to stop the argument. I have left the house a few times to calm things down and spent the night with nearby family.
The anger thing is definitely my problem.
Along side that, I am constantly being told off for my behaviour. Not the losing my temper stuff. Just stuff i'm doing wrong, and stuff that they don't agree with, stuff I'm told a normal person wouldn't do, not supportive etc.. Some of these things are fair, and I have listened to how my OH feels and tried to change and be better. Some of them not so fair, or probably more like we have a different opinion, which is ok, we just need to learn how to deal with having different opinions.
My frustration is that when I am being told off about something my OH is unhappy about, it's really like a teacher or parent and child situation. Very much being told off. One way traffic. Not a conversation. And every week it's something new, and always a massive deal. I've tried explaining how this feels, but am told "I'm just telling you the facts". I don't mind things being pointed out if I've been a bit selfish, or inconsiderate - which i can be sometimes, but being spoken to like a child is really tough, and constantly being told i'm a rubbish partner and make them unhappy.
Because I've tried to explain how it feels to being on the receiving end of the "telling off", my OH now says that they feel like they can't say anything to me because of this.
I've been told i'm manipulative, and controlling, and a bully. I don't want to be any of those things. And genuinely don't know if I am or not. I've said that i'm sorry if that's what i'm doing, I don't want to be like that and we should end the relationship because that can't be nice for you.
Then on top of that the anger issue is a problem and am now being told that they are worried it might lead to violence. I don't want any one to be scared of violence.
I 100% take responsibility for my actions. However I don't get angry about anything my OH has done, i'm very much a "just let it go, it might bother me right now, but will it bother me tomorrow? If no then just forget it and everything will be fine" type of person.
It only happens when I'm being told off for the millionth time and i can't take it anymore. So i've tried to talk about that and talk about ways we could help each other. But they always see this as me blaming them for my behaviour and then i get the line "Domestic abusers always blame the other person"
I do not want to give up on this relationship. I hope my OH doesn't either. We both have children. Our step children have a very close bond.
Any advice or thoughts will be appreciated. I want to make life better for us both.
If anyone is interested in the potted plant in a shop situation - it's another example of my poor behaviour. I picked up a plant in a shop and said this would be nice for our bedroom. A short version of the response i got was "our bedroom is disgusting and you keep making it worse, there is no way we are having that in our bedroom"
Stupid I know but i lost control, so i dropped the plant and walked off without saying a word. I think the plant fell out of it's pot. In my head i was fuming. I couldn't help but think to myself, I'm a grown adult, surely i'm at the stage in my life where I should be able to make a decision for myself that is relatively inconsequential to anyone else. We haven't even talked about the plant in the bedroom bit because my dropping the plant in the shop has dominated the conversation, "childish, aggressive, embarrassing, you've got no self control, scared about what is going to happen next"