OH says they are scared of me

[MemoriesOfTomorrow]

Ok, first of all i'm no angel. Lots to work on to be a better person and partner. And so much other stuff going on in our relationship I literally don't what's going on and how to make it better.
Bit of background...
I do lose my temper. I'm aware of it and i am trying to change it. I am 100% responsible for my own actions and do not blame my OH for it. Losing my temper usually means i raise my voice, and can get a bit sweary. The last time i raised my voice was about August. And probably twice more earlier in the year. In the last approx 5 years i have chucked a remote control across the room, chucked a tea towel across the room, dropped a potted plant i was holding (in a shop), and chucked a baking tray. Not at anyone. And not intended to be intimidating or threatening. Purely out of frustration during an argument. Mostly because I feel i am not being listened to. Which is no excuse. I appreciate that is not a nice place to be for my OH, and is a bad way to behave. I am really working hard to change that. I do try to walk away when i feel frustrated but that doesn't seem to stop the argument. I have left the house a few times to calm things down and spent the night with nearby family.

The anger thing is definitely my problem.

Along side that, I am constantly being told off for my behaviour. Not the losing my temper stuff. Just stuff i'm doing wrong, and stuff that they don't agree with, stuff I'm told a normal person wouldn't do, not supportive etc.. Some of these things are fair, and I have listened to how my OH feels and tried to change and be better. Some of them not so fair, or probably more like we have a different opinion, which is ok, we just need to learn how to deal with having different opinions.

My frustration is that when I am being told off about something my OH is unhappy about, it's really like a teacher or parent and child situation. Very much being told off. One way traffic. Not a conversation. And every week it's something new, and always a massive deal. I've tried explaining how this feels, but am told "I'm just telling you the facts". I don't mind things being pointed out if I've been a bit selfish, or inconsiderate - which i can be sometimes, but being spoken to like a child is really tough, and constantly being told i'm a rubbish partner and make them unhappy.

Because I've tried to explain how it feels to being on the receiving end of the "telling off", my OH now says that they feel like they can't say anything to me because of this.

I've been told i'm manipulative, and controlling, and a bully. I don't want to be any of those things. And genuinely don't know if I am or not. I've said that i'm sorry if that's what i'm doing, I don't want to be like that and we should end the relationship because that can't be nice for you.

Then on top of that the anger issue is a problem and am now being told that they are worried it might lead to violence. I don't want any one to be scared of violence.

I 100% take responsibility for my actions. However I don't get angry about anything my OH has done, i'm very much a "just let it go, it might bother me right now, but will it bother me tomorrow? If no then just forget it and everything will be fine" type of person.
It only happens when I'm being told off for the millionth time and i can't take it anymore. So i've tried to talk about that and talk about ways we could help each other. But they always see this as me blaming them for my behaviour and then i get the line "Domestic abusers always blame the other person"

I do not want to give up on this relationship. I hope my OH doesn't either. We both have children. Our step children have a very close bond.

Any advice or thoughts will be appreciated. I want to make life better for us both.

If anyone is interested in the potted plant in a shop situation - it's another example of my poor behaviour. I picked up a plant in a shop and said this would be nice for our bedroom. A short version of the response i got was "our bedroom is disgusting and you keep making it worse, there is no way we are having that in our bedroom"
Stupid I know but i lost control, so i dropped the plant and walked off without saying a word. I think the plant fell out of it's pot. In my head i was fuming. I couldn't help but think to myself, I'm a grown adult, surely i'm at the stage in my life where I should be able to make a decision for myself that is relatively inconsequential to anyone else. We haven't even talked about the plant in the bedroom bit because my dropping the plant in the shop has dominated the conversation, "childish, aggressive, embarrassing, you've got no self control, scared about what is going to happen next"

It sounds like it’s them, not you. I was in a toxic marriage with a passive aggressive covert narcissist, he kept me in a constant state of living in stress. He died. I don’t get angry anymore. I think you may just be reacting to being abused.

You need to sort our your anger problems regardless of this relationship but you can't make your partner like or respect you, which they don't. Time to give it up as a bad job.

Whether you are or aren't intending to be threatening or intimidating is neither here nor there. Your partner has told you clearly that they are scared of you. And if they are so scared, so are the children. So what are you going to do about it other than bleating about they pushed your buttons into behaving this way?

3 options.

1. You are an abuser with a bad temper who is manipulative and a bully as your OH has said.
2. You are being set up to have frustrated outbursts by a manipulative bully who is effectively making it look like your behaviour is the only issue.
3. The pair of you are just striking sparks off each other and it is that interaction which is causing frustration on both sides which neither of you is handling well.

If it is 3, suggest you get some couples counselling asap. This is not likely to get better by itself. At least then you will know if it is worth trying to save this relationship.

If it is 1 or 2 the signs are not good and you are both better off out of it.

Agree with @Smashingspinster above, couldn’t have said it better.

I was a number 2 myself 20 years ago. I was fine once I left. It just wasn’t meant to be.

You are on a slippery slope to violence. It may be convenient or comfortable to stay. But if you’re a 2 then leave. In 20 years I’ve never regretted my decision. Or thrown a plate at a partner or lost it in a shop because of a partner. It was him frustrating me and making me feel bad.

@Elieza - that was my exact thought, I was number 2 until 2 years ago and only after realised that it wasn’t my “temper” it was the constant stream of criticism, bullying and gaslighting that caused the response.
My advice is leave, then you’ll know if the issue is you or not.

@tofuschnitzel and @Walkingwounded, I'm reading this the same way you are.
@Walkingwounded and@MemoriesOfTomorrow, for you. My XH used to gaslight me, telling me what a terrible person I was and what everyone else thought about me. He also used to goad me horribly. I truly felt like I had no voice at all. It took me years after we parted to get the 'old me' back - I was that beaten down by his behaviour. 

I think you have shown violence in your actions, but I don't know that you are a violent person. No one here can tell you that. From what you've said, it sounds like you're in a toxic relationship, and I wouldn't try to save it, it honestly sounds like it's past repair because the respect has gone.

I’d be raging with you if you had a tantrum in a shop and ‘dropped’ a plant pot because I said you couldn’t have it. You sound immature and pathetic.

This relationship obviously doesn’t work, so just give it up - without the manipulative “you’ll be better off without me speech”.

They say a physically abusive person takes their anger out on other objects first and then eventually starts on their partner.

Are you like this with your children or can you control your temper with them?

@Walkingwounded

I lived with an abusive DH for a long time. The relationship was one of coercive control. Always being told off, my faults pointed out, controlling through moods and many other things.

At the time I thought I had a terrible temper as I used to feel so frustrated at being controlled, unheard, not listened to. I used to shout.

Two years of women’s aid support later - and having left - I see that the problem wasn’t me. Now I am out, I have no temper at all. Just as I didn’t before I met him.

I don’t know if you are abusive or your OH is. But did you have a temper before you met? Either way, counselling just for you will help. Choose a therapist who has worked with abusive relationships, and can recognise the signs.

This. Dropping the plant and throwing things is not great of course, but it doesn't sound like OP has thrown anything at or in the direction of their partner. I may be projecting, but OP sounds like me when I was still with my EA ex. It's impossible to describe how constant criticism, disdain and contempt make you feel if you haven't experienced it yourself. The only analogy I can come up with is this: if you were to trap a hitherto peaceful cat or dog in a corner and kept taunting it, it would eventually grown/hiss, wouldn't it? OP, if this sounds like you and your partner, can you tell someone IRL, or speak to Women's Aid? I don't plan to get into another relationship for a very long time; but if/when I do, it will be with someone who brings out the best in me, not the worst.

Have you thought that you’re just not compatible and it’s become really toxic. This relationship isn’t good for you. Forget about if it’s abusive or right or whatever…don’t you think you’d be better off without him triggering you? Be calm, be responsible for yourself and see if that makes a difference? You don’t have to be in a relationship. It’s not working. You’re trying to put a square peg in a round hole. Have a trial separation for 6 months go low contact and see if your temperament and mood improves. I
Imagine it this way, you go into a shop pick up a pot plant and buy it because you want to and there’s nobody telling you that you can’t or disagreeing with you. You get to buy whatever you want whenever you want. How does that feel?

You are writing quite clearly about your anger issues, so I don't understand why you can't think clearly, and take the time to work through all these issues yourself, and get to grips with everything.

I don't know about your partner, or whether you both goad each other about some incidents that happen, and then it's you who always flies off the handle. Not good for children to be in the midst of all these things going on though.

You're being continuously belittled. That level of emotional abuse is damaging to everyone. Those poor children will only know and expect a toxic abusive relationship.

Reacting in a violent way again teaches those children that a violent toxic relationship is normal.

Staying together because you want to stay in this relationship is Abusive towards the children.

Do you have angry outbursts at work or with your friends or family?

I'd say your frustration comes from this relationship tbh. It sounds awful.

@grumpy21, that's a very good analogy.
I'm sad to say I am still, even now, very scared of making a man angry with me, because it takes me right back to how it felt in the past. The endless criticism, etc. And even if I apologised, usually for something that wasn't even my fault, he still wouldn't let it drop.
That constant drip, drip, drip is very difficult to live with.
My guess is that many posters who are telling the OP they should work on themselves have never experienced that kind of abuse.
I could be wrong, of course, but my take on OP's post is the same as yours.

I think that if you split up with your negative, gaslighting partner, you'd be a lot happier, more relaxed, and your frustration and anger issues would go.

He sounds awful. If he thinks you're such a terrible person, why is he still with you?! 🙄 He sounds like the problem. It sounds impossible to talk to him. He sounds like he thinks he's your boss, in charge of you.

Op
This is Reactive Abuse.
The aggressor manipulates you by pushing to the brink and then when you react to their behaviour accuses you of being the abusive one.
You have insight into your behaviour and know its wrong -thats the give away here.
Please end this relationship -its very toxic and will not get better.

OP is abusive in the way anger is expressed. Throwing things is violence and definitely threatening and intimidating.

OP's DP is (according to this account) emotionally abusive.

Both together are toxic and this relationship needs to end. Either or both may go onto to continue the bad behaviour in future relationships or may be much better when with someone more compatible.

Is the Op coming back?…..

No one talks about themselves like this. I agree with a PP this post has been made by an abuser looking for ammunition.

Everyone saying the sex of each partner doesn’t matter I cannot agree with you. It is a different situation if a man, who is 9 times out of 10 physically able to overpower a woman, is demonstrating violence (even if not directed at the partner) versus if it is a woman demonstrating that violence in front of a man. Discounting the possibility it’s a same sex relationship, my personal view is that the poster has carefully avoided using he/she as it is a man posting who knows that if he writes that he is losing his temper with his female partner that will not go down well. Agree with what @beastlyslumber says

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea seems like it

This could be a reverse.
It could be an abuser looking for ammunition.
Yes and taken at face value it’s a case of two toxic people.

A sinister post in whatever scenario about a sinister set up.

This relationship is over.

I agree, the relationship doesn’t work and with your temper it’s unlikely to. You need to go to anger management.
Did you get charged for the plant you ruined? Clean up the mess you made?