OH says they are scared of me

[MemoriesOfTomorrow]

Ok, first of all i'm no angel. Lots to work on to be a better person and partner. And so much other stuff going on in our relationship I literally don't what's going on and how to make it better.
Bit of background...
I do lose my temper. I'm aware of it and i am trying to change it. I am 100% responsible for my own actions and do not blame my OH for it. Losing my temper usually means i raise my voice, and can get a bit sweary. The last time i raised my voice was about August. And probably twice more earlier in the year. In the last approx 5 years i have chucked a remote control across the room, chucked a tea towel across the room, dropped a potted plant i was holding (in a shop), and chucked a baking tray. Not at anyone. And not intended to be intimidating or threatening. Purely out of frustration during an argument. Mostly because I feel i am not being listened to. Which is no excuse. I appreciate that is not a nice place to be for my OH, and is a bad way to behave. I am really working hard to change that. I do try to walk away when i feel frustrated but that doesn't seem to stop the argument. I have left the house a few times to calm things down and spent the night with nearby family.

The anger thing is definitely my problem.

Along side that, I am constantly being told off for my behaviour. Not the losing my temper stuff. Just stuff i'm doing wrong, and stuff that they don't agree with, stuff I'm told a normal person wouldn't do, not supportive etc.. Some of these things are fair, and I have listened to how my OH feels and tried to change and be better. Some of them not so fair, or probably more like we have a different opinion, which is ok, we just need to learn how to deal with having different opinions.

My frustration is that when I am being told off about something my OH is unhappy about, it's really like a teacher or parent and child situation. Very much being told off. One way traffic. Not a conversation. And every week it's something new, and always a massive deal. I've tried explaining how this feels, but am told "I'm just telling you the facts". I don't mind things being pointed out if I've been a bit selfish, or inconsiderate - which i can be sometimes, but being spoken to like a child is really tough, and constantly being told i'm a rubbish partner and make them unhappy.

Because I've tried to explain how it feels to being on the receiving end of the "telling off", my OH now says that they feel like they can't say anything to me because of this.

I've been told i'm manipulative, and controlling, and a bully. I don't want to be any of those things. And genuinely don't know if I am or not. I've said that i'm sorry if that's what i'm doing, I don't want to be like that and we should end the relationship because that can't be nice for you.

Then on top of that the anger issue is a problem and am now being told that they are worried it might lead to violence. I don't want any one to be scared of violence.

I 100% take responsibility for my actions. However I don't get angry about anything my OH has done, i'm very much a "just let it go, it might bother me right now, but will it bother me tomorrow? If no then just forget it and everything will be fine" type of person.
It only happens when I'm being told off for the millionth time and i can't take it anymore. So i've tried to talk about that and talk about ways we could help each other. But they always see this as me blaming them for my behaviour and then i get the line "Domestic abusers always blame the other person"

I do not want to give up on this relationship. I hope my OH doesn't either. We both have children. Our step children have a very close bond.

Any advice or thoughts will be appreciated. I want to make life better for us both.

If anyone is interested in the potted plant in a shop situation - it's another example of my poor behaviour. I picked up a plant in a shop and said this would be nice for our bedroom. A short version of the response i got was "our bedroom is disgusting and you keep making it worse, there is no way we are having that in our bedroom"
Stupid I know but i lost control, so i dropped the plant and walked off without saying a word. I think the plant fell out of it's pot. In my head i was fuming. I couldn't help but think to myself, I'm a grown adult, surely i'm at the stage in my life where I should be able to make a decision for myself that is relatively inconsequential to anyone else. We haven't even talked about the plant in the bedroom bit because my dropping the plant in the shop has dominated the conversation, "childish, aggressive, embarrassing, you've got no self control, scared about what is going to happen next"

Look at the plant scenario, you know she's not wrong, I really think you're just trying to find any reason you possibly can to not be at fault for this. If ( and this is a big if) you can deffinitely manage your temper you also have to appreciate that the trust needs to be rebuilt from her side, this will not happen quickly and it also needs to happen on her terms. You made her feel scared in her own home, whether what she is nagging at you for is right or not, I would like to bet that maintaining some control in a space where she has been made to feel helpless would be quite an appropriate coping machanism, you also need to completely accept you were in the wrong, and it doesnt quite sound like you are there yet (though heading the right direction certainly) if you can fully accept the situation for what it is it will help you focus on just getting better and all those nagging thoughts that seem to be trying to shift the blame should subside a bit. Please dont take that as critisism btw, it is a hard thing to do; but in this case completely nessecary for this relationship to re build.

Actually your OH sounds manipulative, and the relationship toxic.
It's not OK for him to be telling you off , either patronisingly or at all.
If he has constructive criticism of something specific occasionally that would be one thing, but as he does not allow discussion or conversation around your perceived failings, it sounds like he is really pushing you.
I think he is the bully.
Unfortunately, whilst you respond in an angry manner, you lose the moral high ground to some extent. If he is really driving to you to these reactions then you are better off apart.
It must have taken some courage to write as honestly as you have.

OP does this or has this happened in other relationships? With family, friends?

What kind of things does your OH tell you off about?

The pot plant comment wasn’t nice or necessary.

First of all, I comend you for reaching out for help and advice. It needs to be heartfelt though, not something superficial that you use to convince yourself or others that you were doing something different. You need to be serious, and committed deep inside.

Let's test how much control you have over your outward displays of anger. You don't have to answer, it's just something for you to think about.

If you were in the presence of a 6'5 massive, tough, gym-going enthusiast guy, do you think you would hurl a TV remote across the room in front on him? Do you think you would hurl a baking tray? Would you get into an argument and hurl a pint glass across a pub in front of a man like that, or several men like that? Or hurl any object in anger?

I don't know your OH, but I would consider what your children and witnessing and hearing in the house, what kind of atmosphere they're in, and what kind of example this is giving them.

Just because some doesn't shout, doesn't physically do things, doesn't make them a nice person, but throwing things around really has to stop. It doesn't matter what it is, you cannot keep demonstrating your anger in this way. To other people, it will look like either you are bully or a toddler.

You may feel or think it's unfair, or that it's even ridiculous that the other person says they're afarid of you, or is afarid this will escalate into violence on them. That's because you know what your intentions are. They don't. They're not telepathic. It doesn't matter what you say or how many good, calm years you have behind you, they have to take any aggression seriously and respond to what they've see you do. Once you cross a certain line, a certain amount of basic trust is lost, and once that's gone, you simply don't feel like you can predict or trust your partner fully any more.

Sometimes the damage is irreparable and it doesn't matter how many years you spend being calm, lovely, and on your best behaviour. Once it's gone, some people can never trust the other person ever again and that really influences the relationship. You can certainly try, bit I wouldn't expect miracles.

If there is conflict unhappiness in the house, because either you, your OH or both of you are behaving like assholes, then I think maybe the best thing to do it figuring out if there's a way to give each other space, and to co-parent well in the future. As I said, your kids will need a calm, stress free environment that isn't tense all the time in order to be happy and to concentrate well in school, so focus on that.

I would also have a look at anger management programs locally. Not sure if your local council runs anything like that but it would be worth having a look.

It’s interesting that you have avoided stating the sex of each person here. I wonder if that’s because you feel that the way your relationship looks is either typical ie; aggressive mave and nagging female , and don’t want people to make that assumption so avoided stating sex. Or atypical so it wasn’t helpful to state sexes.
Anyhow, i agree with pp that you are incompatible. Even if you are scaring your partner due to being harangued/ provoked/ humiliated, it’s an unhealthy dynamic and your kids don’t need to grow up thinking it’s normal.

I do not want to give up on this relationship.

Why on earth not? It sounds awful - your OH sounds dreadful.

Your anger seems to be a response to being "told off for the millionth time". What kind of person tells their partner off for perceived misdemeanors? You're not a child, they shouldn't be doing any telling off!

Your anger is not a good thing, yet it seems only to be a response to being treated like a child, belittled and humiliated. Would it not be a good thing all round if you ended the relationship with the person doing that?

Whether you leave or not, it would be a good idea to get some therapy to manage your emotions so that you don't explode like this.

It's not really working, is it?

Do yourselves and all the DC a favour and separate. But at least do it fairly.

@tofuschnitzel

It sounds like your DP browbeats you so much that you are left with very little agency to respond in those situations, hence lashing out in frustration. What you have written seems to me that he can be as vile to you as he likes, with no repercussions, because he has painted you as angry and abusive, and you are not allowed a say. That's not bloody fair at all.

It sounds like your DP is the abusive one.

Possibly replaces the "he's" with "she's" if appropriate but, yes, that's how I read it too.

Are you my ex?
Reading that sounded like how my ex would have described herself.
I wonder if this is perhaps a same sex relationship too. Mine was.
My personal opinion is that it sounds like a toxic relationship. I think you would both be happier apart.

First point - I don't care whether you're a bloke claiming she makes you do it by nagging or a woman claiming he makes you do it by talking at you and criticising. Or bloke/bloke or woman/woman. The following applies, no matter the sexes involved.

Even if they are being an utter dick, you lose any authority when you're throwing things around, shouting and being violently abusive (which is what chucking an oven tray, a remote or a plant in a pot is) - even the unspoken threat of it is enough to permanently damage any relationship, as what's to say that the next time, you won't throw something and hurt somebody, perhaps one of the children by accident? If you can honestly say that would never happen, then you're completely in control when you're doing these things, which also makes them totally unacceptable.

You're better off being single. They push your buttons, you go ahead and behave like that to get your way/express your dissatisfaction with how things are going. And it's going to be shit for all the children figuratively and potentially literally caught in the crossfire.

Cut your losses, split up before you are arrested and a nasty residence case finds that you are the abusive party - which, as you've done it repeatedly and in public, will be what is found.

I lived with an abusive DH for a long time. The relationship was one of coercive control. Always being told off, my faults pointed out, controlling through moods and many other things.

At the time I thought I had a terrible temper as I used to feel so frustrated at being controlled, unheard, not listened to. I used to shout.

Two years of women’s aid support later - and having left - I see that the problem wasn’t me. Now I am out, I have no temper at all. Just as I didn’t before I met him.

I don’t know if you are abusive or your OH is. But did you have a temper before you met? Either way, counselling just for you will help. Choose a therapist who has worked with abusive relationships, and can recognise the signs.

I can read your OP two ways and come to two different conclusion.

So what I'd like to know is -

do you lose your temper with anyone else, or is it just with him? Do you have a history of anger/temper with your previous partner?

Who's they, they do this they do that - apparently all against you? Who are THEY?

Genders are not relevant. Your relationship sounds miserable. You are both wasting your time

@ShrikeAttack

I think it's two women actually.

I agree Kind of irrelevant Just not compatible at all

Unfortunately, whilst you respond in an angry manner, you lose the moral high ground to some extent.

This. Which is why it's important to learn to deal with your emotions in a healthier way, so that when they push you you don't respond and so retain the high ground against their bullying.

You also really need to get out of this toxic relationship.

'it Only happens when I'm being told off for the millionth time '
This sounds like gaslighting - everything would be fine if you weren't so useless/ stupid/wrong.

@MamsellMarie

Who's they, they do this they do that - apparently all against you? Who are THEY?

You do know that 'they' is an accepted pronoun for a singular person?

I do not want to give up on this relationship. I hope my OH doesn't either. We both have children. Our step children have a very close bond.

Seriously why though?

OP - I can't tell who is on the wrong or the right, but this relationship sounds toxic for both of you.
Time to split for the DCs sake - what on earth do they think of this ridiculous behaviour?
You both seem to alternate between petulant child and angry parent - where are the adults in this relationship.

I was brought up in an alcoholic home and I think that is why I occasionally lose my rag - due to a childhood where you NEVER argued, complained, commented because of the very angry scary drunken response you might get. You never had calm discussions.
How was your childhood OP?

You can flagellate yourself for your own behaviour, or attempt to mitigate it by contextualising it again your partner's.

But at the end of the day it doesn't matter.

You resent each other. You provoke, and get into, fights. It doesn't matter who started what. This relationship is over.

End it now, instead of dragging things out over a cliche ("not wanting to give up on the relationship" -- totally meaningless phrase).

against your partner's, that should read.

Throwing things is violence. It doesn’t matter what your intention is. Why on earth do you want to stay in this relationship? Of your partner is how you have described you should be desperate to get away. Do you get something out of having an emotional punchbag?

Actually I don't think that it's abusive to loose your temper that many times. I think constant gaslighting is abusive and that's what it sounds like you live with.

This relationship is not worth the trauma it's causing