Emojis

[cheeselover2021]

Just want to know if I'm over thinking this or if there is possibly something a bit odd. I was reading a post a while ago and someone said check the emojis on a partners phone.

Anyways, I have a gut feeling. DP does not often message anyone except me. Other people would usually be just odd texts, how are you, are you going to such and such etc. I have full access to his phone, he often leaves it laying around. He only has text message and whatsapp on there as far as know as messaging apps. No secrecy with our phones.

He always sends me the same emojis when we text, the little heart ones, and we text often. However a couple of months ago he accidently sent an emoji mixed in which was the 'phew' emoji. I didn't think much of it, but it seemed odd and he said he'd pressed it by accident. However unless it was in the recently used section, he'd have no way been able to scroll through and press that particular one by accident.

I know I sound like a loon right now, so bear with me.

It just sort of felt wrong. And as he doesn't text hardly anyone it had no reason to be in his recently used section. So I just thought must have been in there from a message a while ago or something and as he dosnt use emojis in any other messages as a rule, and only uses the same 2 with me mostly. So I just forgot it and thought I'm being an idiot here.

Then it happened again, with a different emoji a sad face one, accidentality sent. Definitely never has sent that to me before.

Like I said he has no issue with me on his phone. So recently I had a look at list of messages and nothing there except the normal, same with whatsapp. And none of them had any emojis in.

Still sounding like a loon I know.

So he went out the other night and messaged me, included the heart emojis and again, there was another one accidently clicked in his drunken state I expect. But my gut is just thinking, how are they in his recent list when he never sends them. And this one was not in the recent list when I was on his phone a few days before.

I then went out the next night, we texted as normal. No rogue emojis.

I get back yesterday and I just didnt feel right about this bloody emoji the other night. I think I'm losing the plot.

But I went on his phone for something and did a quick look at the emoji list in his recently used and there at the top are the 2 he usually sends, followed by 5 others in the space before the rogue one he'd sent me the night before. I did a quick test on my own phone and it puts them in that order of use. So basically it means he has sent 5 emojis between the rogue one to me the previous night and me looking at his phone. None were to me and looking at his text list and whatsapp which is always pretty sparse, none sent to anyone there either.

So am I going mad, overthinking this or does this point to him messaging someone, using those emojis inbetween our last texts but his phone shows he hasn't texted anyone.

For what its worth, the emojis were: A smily blushing face, a cry with laughter face, a waving hand, a huge grin smile face and an emoji of a person in a bed.

I mean, its just emojis. but the fact they have obviously been clicked on as they are in his most recent list and not sent to me or any other text in his messages or whatsapp is bugging me. Add to it the fact that the one he sent me accidently the night before is now way down the list, so these must have been more recently used than that one?

Any other explanations? I mean i have no issue him using emojis, but I'm thinking they must be being used and the messages either deleted or being used in another messaging platform? Or am I just losing the plot?

It all sounds a bit suss to me but I think you need more than emojis to go on...

@suburbanhousewine thankyou for the info on getting the notification stats. I've looked and they all add up for messages and whatsapp. I haven't been able to check battery yet but will do, although can't see any other chat apps on his phone.

So the update is I asked him who he was messaging. I stupidly mentioned the emojis because my emotions got the better of me. He didn't get angry and said he had no idea, they must have been selected randomly when the phone was in his pocket or he accidently selected something. He does sometimes put his phone in his pocket without locking it and it takes random pictures of the floor or his leg or something so its not beyond the realms of possibility. He did seem genuine and told me he would never do anything like like and that he would never hurt me and i'm all he ever wants etc. So I believed him. Well 90% believed him because lets face it he has done it before and he lied that time pretty damn well. He said he was hurt I'd accused him but understood why it looked suspicious.

This was yesterday early in the day. This morning I checked again and there are no rogue emojis. None. So if his pocket or him was randomly clicking them on such a big scale the last few days, its suddenly stopped now. Its not like its been the odd one over a course of a few days. It was a fair few and both times when I wasn't with him for long periods of time.
Could be he locked it properly. But considering how 'accidental' they were before and he didn't realise etc etc, just seems odd its completely stopped now.

Plus his pocket selected an orange heart and the types of emotion emojis it did before does not seem very random. Random would be a road sign or a farm animal or something. Or at least one of them would surely.

I think its the introduction of that orange heart thats making me doubt his random theory, along with what the others were of. My gut is screaming at me, hes lying. Which if course hes going to lie because he knows if he has done this and tells me, i'll walk.

So I just don't know. Do I just believe him? Theres no concrete evidence he was messaging someone. Do I throw away an almost 4 year relationship based on a gut feeling and coincidence? Do I carry on and lets face it, if he was up to no good he'll do it again, and i'll just find out further down the line?

I want to believe him. But I also do not want to stay with someone, however much I love them, if they did do something that they know would devastate me, even if hes stopped it now. He is under no illusions that this sort of thing would make me end the relationship, thats been made very very clear to him in the past.

I'm really torn. What if I'm wrong? But what if I'm right? I know no one can give actual advice on what I should do as not in the situation but sometimes an outside perspective as to how suspect or not this looks is useful.My heart is saying believe him and my head is saying don't be a bloody fool.

Head and gut over heart every time I’m afraid

Do you think you'll be able to trust him 100% if you stay?

Would you be able to marry him, have kids etc (if that's what you want, of course) and be as confident as you can be that you won't ever find out he's been messaging someone else.

I know we can never be certain but I'm as confident as I can be that my DP wouldn't do anything like that, so I've never felt the need to check his phone.

OP have you ever had issues in the past around paranoia or thinking something is up when it isn't? Could it just be the baggage of the past relationship?

It's pretty simple in my eyes - if battery says no apps, if screentime adds up. He isn't doing anything. Of course, I am assuming here that he is not using safari.

If I were you, and I've been in your shoes, I wouldn't be able to actually leave without some more evidence.

I'd probably check:

• safari screentime - so in screentime you have website time as well as safari - they are not separate, the individual websites form part of the time on safari. It does not record every website, for example if you just googled something. However, it's pretty easy to notice when something is suspect. Let's say he's spending an hour a day on safari but you can only see he went on BBC Sport for 20 mins and nothing else - big sign he's using incognito

• in app browsers are a way to get around things but these now show on screentime in most apps so not an issue

• notifications adding up

• no apps deleted - check the app store for any apps which are potential communication apps that could be deleted

• check battery.

If that all comes back normal, see a therapist. Because you will not cope with this feeling regardless of whether you stay or go. Having some help will make it better. I promise.

If you trust someone so little that you consider snooping through their phone and expending this level of thought and energy on sodding emojis normal, you should not be in a relationship with them, and probably not with anyone.

This is true whether they've given you good reason in the past to be distrustful as well. I don't care who's at fault, this behaviour is absolute lunacy.

How on earth do you have the TIME to think about this in such detail? Is your life not very busy?

It seems really odd there are none now and that pocket bounces selected hearts etc
I would be on my guard. Can you dig anymore?

OP I'm going to be honest I've thought you were totally overthinking this since your very first post... however... your latest update is making my spidey senses tingle. I have to admit it does sound a bit.. odd.

If you don't lock your phone its very easy to brush past the camera icon and accidentally take a picture. I've done it. What I don't believe is easy is to click the messages icon, click the New message icon/reply to an already there message (but you said there was no messages there? So he'd have to compose a new one) and randomly select emojis... of hearts, and people in bed etc.

Just my thoughts.

OP - I actually feel bad for your bf. Having a relationship with someone who can get this worked up over something is not easy.
Out if a blue you decided to check his emojis and voila - your mind is off creating scenarios and preparing to run away.

Of course - the main fact that he is leaving his phone unattended and you have access to it - no password secrecy - is totally discarded. As it doesn’t fit with your narrative. Also - there are no other issues in a relationship. But again - that fact doesn’t fit.
It’s very simple - people who hide things aren’t open with their phones.

But as you are in some strange place mentally - you really need to leave this relationship and get some help.

(As to his ‘texting’ at the beginning of a relationship - not an indication of anything. Who knows now what it was, when, were you even exclusive at the time. Etc)

@ZenHarmony

It seems really odd there are none now and that pocket bounces selected hearts etc I would be on my guard. Can you dig anymore?

Why do SO MANY posters suggest snooping even more on these threads?

Absolute red line for me. Any partner poking through my phone without my knowledge or consent would be out on their ear.

I've just looked at my recent/frequent list and I don't recall using more than half of them. In fact I probably only use the first column and some of the second column. No idea when or how the others were added.

Why do SO MANY posters suggest snooping even more on these threads?

Because they're here for entertainment- not because they care about the OP.

@girlmom21

Why do SO MANY posters suggest snooping even more on these threads?

Because they're here for entertainment- not because they care about the OP.

I’m not here for entertainment at all. It’s hardly entertaining! Poor op. Been in the situation myself. If you’re gut is screaming dodgy you have every right to snoop. Snoop and get out of a potential cheating relationship or be little miss goody and be blindsided for years. Know which I’d rather. And no I don’t snoop my dh stuff but I have no reason to distrust him. One of my ex’s - yes I did and I was right .

Your*

I'm sorry op but the accidentally pressed them in his pocket done it for me . I don't believe what he is saying at all . If it's not what's app or messages that he's using how about snap chat ? My work colleague is cheating on her boyfriend through snap chat . She then just deleted the app off the screen and notifications off when she gets home and she just leaves it laying around because nothing pops up . What you need to do is go in to the App Store and search for snap chat or any other apps you are thinking off and if there's a cloud on there then it's already downloads x

Snoop and get out of a potential cheating relationship or be little miss goody and be blindsided for years. Know which I’d rather.

These are not the only options? You can get out of any relationship if you don't trust your partner. You don't have to snoop or have absolute proof.

And it's not being "little miss goody" to not invade your partner's privacy FFS.

@ZenHarmony but there has to come a point where you just accept you don't trust him, regardless of what you find.

OP could search forever, find nothing and drive herself mad.
There's no point in continuing to dig now he knows she's looking.

She's got to decide now whether she trusts him or not. That's it.

I don't see a problem with snooping if there's cause. Especially if the partner doesn't mind blindsiding / gaslighting the other, then I don't care how offended they are about their privacy being invaded.

At the end of the day, it is suspect. I've been through it all and it took me YEARS to find out the truth.
The only reason I did was because iOS update changed the way screentime presented so in app browser history became available - found the app that way. It was all online in my case, not real people, no emotion or whatever, just weird online forums to talk about sex. But it was hurtful. The lying to your face. The way you question your sanity.

Eventually OP will realise that the fact she could so easily get this way with her DP means the relationship isn't viable as it is.So either there's no cheating and they can seek couples therapy and learn to communicate better or there is and OP moves on. It's win win really.

@gannett

Snoop and get out of a potential cheating relationship or be little miss goody and be blindsided for years. Know which I’d rather.

These are not the only options? You can get out of any relationship if you don't trust your partner. You don't have to snoop or have absolute proof.

And it's not being "little miss goody" to not invade your partner's privacy FFS.

Something is setting off op’s gut instinct , spidey senses whatever you want to call it. The majority of posters on here who feel this and are proved right is a lot! It will always be did he/didn’t he though and it’s hard to leave a relationship without proof. Proof can set you completely free and let you know you weren’t mad. This guy has form for lying/ secret messaging and something has triggered op again If there’s no trust and this level of digging is a bit much tbh op should probably just end things. It’s never that simple though is it? If everything else is great but there’s this worry then it’s hard to make any decision, you want proof. Nothing adds up with his justifications so op can either leave based on lack of trust or continue to look to find the truth and evidence to set herself free

The pocket thing makes no sense.

His "pocket" would have to open an app, or email, or something, to activate the keyboard first off. Then somehow choose random emojis rather than 1) a nonsensical string of letters (far more likely) or 2) any emojis either already in the frequently used list, or at very least top of the list of emojis. And somehow do this so it records the emoji has been selected and yet NOT actually create or send a message.

Just nope.

More likely pocket issues is photos or rogue calls. Things you only need one click for.

It's entirely plausible that he has no idea why it happens, but the fact he's come up with a cock and bull story shows he actually does know and is covering up (or thinks he is).

People saying 'just leave' 'ridiculous to get worked up over emojis'. Nah. You dont ignore gut feelings but you also don't go leaving a 4 year relationship based on those alone with no evidence. Im sure OP is busy but not so busy she isn't going to listen to her intuition around a significant other who has lied to her before. I suppose you could argue that since he's lied before he's untrustworthy and whether he did it again or not...leaving is the best option. But sometimes thats a hard call to make if kids and living arrangements are involved.

It will always be did he/didn’t he though and it’s hard to leave a relationship without proof.

It's not that hard once you realise the thorn in your side isn't whether he's messaging anyone or not but the fact that you don't trust him.

If there's no trust there will always be another level of snooping, monitoring, policing to go to - even if you find nothing.

In a healthy relationship you accept that you can't possibly monitor your partner to the extent that you KNOW they're not cheating - you have to choose to trust that they won't.

If everything else is great but there’s this worry

It's not exactly a small worry though. It's the foundation of the relationship. "Everything else is great except the fact that I feel compelled to dig through his phone and write essays about his emoji use on the internet" doesn't make sense to me.

Battery and apps all look ok, I really dont think there is a hidden messaging app on there. He isn't that tech savvy, although having said that he isn't ignorant of it either. But I think concealing apps wouldn't be something he'd be able to do.

Safari though may be something. I didn't realise by looking through it lists time on safari and seperate websites. Just checked on mine and so this is something I will look at. If that adds up to, I will accept that it was one of those freaky coincidences. Even though I am a firm believer that if something is too coincidental, theres probably a reason for it.

I am prone to over thinking. Things have to make sense to me. I think due to past trauma, I have this weird need to know the reason for something if its isn't clear. So I do know I can overthink and jump to conclusions. However, in the past when I've had this feeling of something not quite adding up, its because it hasn't, and i've been right.
I totally accept though that this time I might be wrong.

Out if a blue you decided to check his emojis @MMmomDD It wasn't out of the blue, I just had this feeling something wasn't right

people who hide things aren’t open with their phones. when he was texting previous GF he was open with his phone. He asked me to check a few things on it during that time, gave me his password. Even said I can put my fingerprint on to save time next time he needs me to check something (usually directions when driving) but I had access. He left it laying around frequently.

As to his ‘texting’ at the beginning of a relationship - not an indication of anything. Who knows now what it was, when, were you even exclusive at the time. It was in indication of something. He deleted the messages and told me he realised it was wrong. I don't know the exact content, but it wasn't innocent. And yes we were 'exclusive' though I hate that term. We were then getting into a committed relationship.

Any partner poking through my phone without my knowledge or consent would be out on their ear. @gannett I have his knowledge and consent. He has given me the green light to look at his phone whenever I want.
And honestly, I am totally down to snooping if it saves me from wasting half my life on someone who is lying to me.

In fact I probably only use the first column and some of the second column. No idea when or how the others were added. @SkiingIsHeaven
same with mine, but the first 2 columns are ones I've used recently. Same with his, Its the ones in the first 2 columns. The ones showing they have recently been used. They ahve definitely been clicked on, whether 'accidently' or on purpose. I have no care for the last couple of columns as likely with mine, they are ones from ages ago or just randomly put there to fill the space.

@suburbanhousewine I'm so sorry you went through that and that it went on for years. And your advice on the techie stuff has been very valuable.

I probably can't leave a relationship based on my gut, but having that proof is something I can then walk away with knowing I'm not totally mad. If I don't get any proof, then I'll put it down to that this time perhaps I am wrong and deal with it. If I can't deal with it, then quite probably I shouldn't be in the relationship anyway, but I am reluctant to give away what is otherwise good without better evidence.

If the safari and website time doesn't add up, I think that will be the evidence I need coupled with the emoji stuff. And then I can make a decision.

Proof can set you completely free and let you know you weren’t mad. This guy has form for lying/ secret messaging and something has triggered op again @ZenHarmony exactly this.
Something feels off and I have little to go on, but what little I have is not making sense to me so its not a case of I just don't trust him, end it. Its alot more complicated as otherwise the relationship is great.

It's not that hard once you realise the thorn in your side isn't whether he's messaging anyone or not but the fact that you don't trust him.
I DID trust him. and he fucked up once before. And I moved on.
Its 4 years later.
So anytime someone gets a feeling something not quite right they should just leave the relationship because of it?
I'd rather find out if my feeling is right before going down the whole, well obviously I don't trust him so I'll just end it regardless.

For what its worth, I don't 100% trust anyone. People make mistakes all the time and I don't believe for one second every person in my life has everyones best interests at the top of their list and wouldn't hurt someone either unintentionally or intentionally. I've been around too long now and been let down too much to realise people are basically fundamentally good, but not infallible.

So I chose to trust people upto a certain extent. If something happens that makes me question it. I question it.

Good luck OP and keep us updated. I really hope it isn’t anything dodgy.

With the website thing, I’d allow it to be off by around 5 mins. This is because if you just search on google / look at google images using the safari url search bar (so not typing google.co.uk) it doesn’t come up as a separate site as you are, quite obviously, just using safari. Mine adds up to the second though because I’ve not been on anything but mumsnet online today! Just bear in mind.

Goodluck and I hope you’re wrong x