Struggling with the effects of DH's ADHD - anyone else??

[Adhdwife]

DH has been diagnosed with ADHD within the last year and I'm struggling to accept it.

The psychiatrist said he wasn't bad enough for meds so we're basically just left to cope alone.

We've been married a long time, kids have left home.

Now we're both WFH and spending long periods together I've realised how badly he is affected.

The trouble is, what's undoubtedly ADHD behaviour is often also the same behaviour of a thoughtless prick and I'm finding it hard to come to terms with the knowledge that this won't change. He's also hard working (just sometimes not focused), clever, funny and genuinely a great dad to our adult DC.

The psychiatrist also queried mild autism but didn't pursue that any further.

I take out marriage vows seriously, we married for better for worse, for sickness and in health and this is a 'sickness' but it's so hard living with the fact I just 'disappear' because he's hyperfocused on other things.

Are there any words of wisdom/coping tips from other women married or living with a non neurotypical partner please?

Struggling here op... Only really became obvious when Covid started and I was home full time.... No diagnosis.. GP told him to man up basically when he went to see her.. He is becoming lower in his moods... I feel like I am the only adult running things as he simply can't manage. Feel frustrated and quite resentful tbh. No suggestions though sorry. On here for some tips!

Also struggling and have asked for a separation. Our daughter has it too and by the time she goes to bed I feel like I'm running on empty.

I could cope with the disorganisation and hyperfocus but the outbursts and emotional dysregulation have worn me out

@Brollywasntneededafterall At least we can moan to each other! Same here, it only became obvious because of Covid.

GP was pretty much useless, we had to go privately.

I've often felt like he wants me to be his mother rather than an equal partner and now that we know the reason for that, the knowledge that this won't really change is hard to take.

@Deedee121 that sounds very tough, and abusive.

My DH doesn't have outbursts, he just goes silent and has always been emotionally withdrawn.

I'm in a similar situation as my partner has chronic pain. It makes his thinking fixed, his emotions dysregulated, he's totally inward looking (so same experience as you OP of living with a 'selfish prick'). I'm struggling with this mother-kid dynamic to our relationship, I just don't desire him anymore because of this. I feel emotionally burned out between his needs and the kids. I've been trying to make space for myself lately, I've brought up separation. I'm just so tired, I know he is too and it isn't his fault either. Just shit.

I don't know if this is helpful or not but I'm not entirely sure that the signs of ADHD do overlap all that much with being a selfish prick. I'm currently being investigated and there are lots of threads on here from people diagnosed as adults.

I think you need to be careful not to excuse bad behaviour or let your DP use ADHD as an excuse for selfish behaviour

If he's a good partner he won't use his diagnosis as a'get out of jail free' card. If he does that, you have problems

@BigGreen Sending you 💐 and sympathy.

@WaltzingBetty he's usually contrite when I point things out to him but then another small act of hyperfocus/selfishness comes along.

And it's all just exhausting...

Sending you sympathy OP. I lived with my ex for 15 years and finished it 2 years ago. To be fair he only found out he had ADHD recently. I had years of killing myself with working, doing everything with our daughter and almost everything in the house whilst supporting him and ended up like his carer whilst he was not supportive to me.

He was lazy, obsessed with his hobbies and didn't particularly want to do anything as a family. I ended up completely exhausted and lost myself. He was also emotionally withdrawn and had mood swings (and I suspect ASD as my daughter has it).

Best thing I ever did for me and my dd was ending it to be honest. If there is one piece of advice I would give if you want to stay with him, is put in boundaries - make sure you make it clear what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. Set your boundaries and stick to them. An idiot will always be an idiot whether they have ADHD or not.

Sadly there is a high percentage of relationships where one partner has ADHD that break down.

That's really hard. I think if he has a new ADHD diagnosis then it's up to HIM to find out all about it and learn ways to manage the worst symptoms.

People with ADHD are great at finding information when they're motivated. He could very easily become an expert on it overnight if he wanted! So maybe lead with that. "I've heard people with ADHD can be superheroes with things like creativity, intelligence and humour. Can you find out ways to bring your positive attributes to the front now you're diagnosed and make this work for us? Because I'm struggling with your hyper focus at the moment - it makes me feel ignored and I'm getting resentful. Can you find ways to manage your time better do you're not left to do everything at the last minute?" Or something like that.

Thanks for your suggestions.
@AlbertBridge I've tried all of that. He will only concentrate on something he can hyperfocus on and sadly finding ways of managing his condition isn't among those. He has become better around the house though and we're not living in as much of his mess as we were.

@gonnabeok Sadly, I think we are heading towards separating which is a shame after a long marriage. I am the higher earner and he will be entitled to a share of my pension and inheritance which is galling but I've decided I"d rather have less money and not be worn out by him if he doesn't pull his socks up.

I have always set firm boundaries but constantly reminding him of those and setting new ones tires me out. I really can't go on like this.

There are many strategies that can be used if he's willing. Numerous online adhd sites that detail these. The idea is introducing one strategy at a time and allowing that to stick before introducing the next.

For hyperfocus for example, an alarm clock set and put out of reach so he has to stand up and move away from focus to turn off(otherwise we just hit snooze repeatedly) and experiment to find the most intrusive, irritating alarm sound.

You also have to let him deal with the consequences himself. No stepping in and helping. No finding his keys if he didn't put them in the designated place etc. He can huff and puff and expect you to mother him, but you have to step back and grey rock - oh dear, I've no idea where your keys are, hope you find them soon.

@Thingsdogetbetter Thank you. Which ADHD sites do you recommend please?

These will only work if he engages with them of course. I hadn't thought about trying to introduce only one thing at a time.

He will go to pieces if we separate - his self regulation is worse since he became self employed a few years ago - I have to regularly tell him he needs a shave or a shower for instance.

I've used a mixture of strategies gleaned from different places, but looking for adult adhd strategies should be enough.

Absolutely only one new strategy at a time (I take about a month for a habit to form and that'swith posters around the house - don'tforget your keys on the inside of the front door etc). We with adhd tend to go all in and try everything immediately and when that doesn't work (as it won't) give up. It needs to be a slow marathon, not a sprint. And we like sprints unfortunately.

He won't go to pieces if you leave. He survived b4 he got you to mother him. He will again when his actions impact on him enough. If he's smelly he's smelly - not your problem anymore !!

@Thingsdogetbetter You also have to let him deal with the consequences himself. No stepping in and helping. No finding his keys if he didn't put them in the designated place etc. He can huff and puff and expect you to mother him, but you have to step back and grey rock - oh dear, I've no idea where your keys are, hope you find them soon.
///// THIS !

My H is suspect aspergers and other ASD traits and is a lazy selfish prick (not ASD related). He never put things away/tidies up. He loses EVERYTHING. He treats his stuff with no respect. I do nothing for him now. He does own laundry/ironing/food shop/car related tasks (insurance etc). If he loses something then I will not help him look for it. He cannot borrow my things - why should I take care of my things and put them away safely etc only for him to use when he cant find his stuff due to carelessness/disrespect/no thought or care. If he asks to use my things then I just reply ''I've lost my X too, sorry'' or ''sorry don't have a spare one of X''.

and I wont tell H when his MOT and car insurance need renewing. I know the dates because I went on line and checked. He wont keep a note of these dates for my car so why should I for him. I will let both elapse if need be and then he can deal with any consequences. I'm done with mothering him.

@Thingsdogetbetter Thanks again. No, he didn't survive before we met. He lived at home with his parents then moved in with me.

He's never been financially independent (although luckily found a job which played to his strengths and did well at it). So the complete package of 'adulting' has never been something he's had to deal with.

He had depression before the ADHD diagnosis, depression caused by the increasing unregulated ADHD symptoms. My empathy is just about all run out...

I have ADD (inattentive type) and I am not (usually) a selfish prick. I can be hapless at times but I don't expect my husband or others to mother/manage me. I have developed lots of coping strategies and most of the time they keep me ticking along. There are occasional times when I drop the ball (i have twice caused the whole family to miss a plane) and I feel terrible about this.

Your husband sounds like he has always been inclined to be a selfish, thoughtless person. His diagnosis may have made him feel that now he has an excuse. Do you think that sounds like the case?

@Snugglebum20 That sounds tough. Thankfully DH is good at anything car-related and genius at DIY. He has also upped his game with housework.

It's the lack of emotional concern for me that I'm finding hard to stomach. Although he swears he loves me, he shows no care about my feelings and will literally try to walk through me. Or, for example, if we're out on the street, check for himself there's no traffic and cross a busy road without being aware that I'm even there and checking I'm with him (he gets very agitated in certain situations and is terrified about being late rather than having the more classic ADHD symptom of unpunctuality).

@honeylulu You may be right. I'm struggling to see any positives at the moment and have perhaps been too quick to accept ADHD as the reason for his shitty behaviour.

I feel so lonely at the moment and prefer being with my female friends and dc than with him.

My partner has adhd. Although so severe that it was diagnosed in childhood and even schools couldn't cope with him. So, how am I supposed to cope with him now as an adult? I hear everything you are saying. I am exhausted doing everything. I also have a child with additional needs, likely autism. We have been together our whole adult lives and so I was young and nieve when we got together. I never expected us to still be together let alone the implications of being with someone with severe adhd. Managing challenging behaviour and feeling alone everyday of my adult life is horrible. It's nearly broken me so many times and I always feel so stressed that I am going to have a breakdown. I'm on edge everyday. Take care x

Why did the dr say his symptoms weren't severe enough to warrant medication? My husband was also diagnosed with ADHD last year and was prescribed meds and honestly, it's saved our marriage. Things aren't perfect but they're so much better. He can actually function at work now and although he doesn't always take his meds at the weekend because they can make him jittery, if we have a lot that needs doing then he'll take them and he can get stuff done rather than being sucked into hyperfocus.

@Mynextname 💐💐

@ListsWonderfulLists The psychiatrist classed it as mild ADHD so not severe enough for meds. I do wonder if he was right, but he is an expert in the condition so I don't know what else to think about that. Maybe it is just that DH is a spoilt, selfish prick (he was mollycoddled as a child) and no amount of meds will change that.

@Adhdwife I feel so lonely at the moment and prefer being with my female friends and dc than with him
Totally understand. I could have written this too.
It's the lack of emotional concern for me that I'm finding hard to stomach. Although he swears he loves me, he shows no care about my feelings and will literally try to walk through me. Or, for example, if we're out on the street, check for himself there's no traffic and cross a busy road without being aware that I'm even there and checking I'm with him (he gets very agitated in certain situations and is terrified about being late rather than having the more classic ADHD symptom of unpunctuality).
This too. H will walk about 10 steps in front of me and the DC. He has no idea that we have stopped and gone into a shop,. He carries on with no thought about any of us, because if he doesn't want to go in a shop then surely we wont want to either (roll eyes). We used to walk into work together and he would walk one way and me the other, but we could still see each other. It wasn't like we went totally separate routes as we each other our own ways were quicker. It was a 4 min walk from the car to work. He one got so annoyed at someone driving slow in front of him in a car park, that he drove over his own laptop when parking. He knew what he was doing, The guy is totally mad.