Struggling with the effects of DH's ADHD - anyone else??

[Adhdwife]

DH has been diagnosed with ADHD within the last year and I'm struggling to accept it.

The psychiatrist said he wasn't bad enough for meds so we're basically just left to cope alone.

We've been married a long time, kids have left home.

Now we're both WFH and spending long periods together I've realised how badly he is affected.

The trouble is, what's undoubtedly ADHD behaviour is often also the same behaviour of a thoughtless prick and I'm finding it hard to come to terms with the knowledge that this won't change. He's also hard working (just sometimes not focused), clever, funny and genuinely a great dad to our adult DC.

The psychiatrist also queried mild autism but didn't pursue that any further.

I take out marriage vows seriously, we married for better for worse, for sickness and in health and this is a 'sickness' but it's so hard living with the fact I just 'disappear' because he's hyperfocused on other things.

Are there any words of wisdom/coping tips from other women married or living with a non neurotypical partner please?

@Mynextname. Totally get this. I don't have any words that will help, but sending you hugs xx

DM has more of a problem with DH than me, and refuses to believe that he has ADHD because doesn't have a diagnosis. As DS 10 has ADHD and his behaviour is identical, it's not that hard to work out.

I have ADHD.
I'm a single parent of 3 children.
It's very difficult, but I manage by doing big projects of cleaning/tidying when my kids are not in the house.
A lot of these people sound like they are using ADHD as an excuse.
It makes life bloody difficult, but it doesn't make you treat people like shit.

I've just had an enormous row with him about his nastiness and selfish behaviour and am now sitting in the car seriously thinking we probably do need to separate. He's not going to change, is he?

He says his nastiness isn't connected with ADHD. There was an incident yesterday where he was just picking at me and trying to point-score because I didn't take his advice over something and he's now admitted he was angry because I 'never take his advice' (absolutely not true btw, I will listen and then use my brain to decide what to do).

So, I don't know which way this will go, but in the meantime, I have no clue about how to go about separating. Who moves out, how you divide assets - all of that.

I'm pretty pissed off that neither of us would be in a lovely house with the assets we have if it hadn't been for my forethought, organisation and planning and now I'd be left with only some of it (but at least not dragging this needy manchild with me for however many more years I have left, and that's priceless).

@Adhdwife I'm pretty pissed off that neither of us would be in a lovely house with the assets we have if it hadn't been for my forethought, organisation and planning and now I'd be left with only some of it (but at least not dragging this needy manchild with me for however many more years I have left, and that's priceless).

///\ - This. Totally this. You have hit the nail on the head.

@Adhdwife, yup, me too - wonderful DS, lovely house, great life, nice friends...all f*cked up because of DH. I just don't know where the boundary is between ADHD behaviour and him just being a nasty bastard...but I am weary of trying to find out...

Separation here we come

I know a some people with ADHD and they are absent minded and struggle with tasks but are not nasty and selfish at all. The total opposite, they are very hard on themselves, and feel terrible for not doing things ‘right’ and are SO kind to those around them.
Obviously those are just the ones I know but I don’t think all people with ADHD are like you are describing?

What sort of things is he doing that is getting to you? Can you describe an incident where you think it’s the ADHD causing the problem.

It sounds really really tough on you, but I think there is a lot more going on then the diagnosis.
I hope you will be ok.

@Peach1886 💐💐

@3luckystars From what I've read, things like just forgetting other people exist when he's hyperfocused/stressed can be a typical ADHD trait. Maybe not with everyone, but definitely with him.
I'm convinced that if a truck thundered towards us, he would save himself but would only be aware of himself, he wouldn't think to save me.
That's hard enough, but what I can't cope with any more is the passive aggressive behaviour.

Like when he was point scoring with me over the weekend because I'd ignored his advice (which I hadn't asked for) over a very minor thing. My decision ended up backfiring on me, but he lost no time in pointing this out and belittling me several times. He claims it was because he was angry 'i never take his advice'.
I don't think that IS ADHD behaviour by the way, but I think he gets frustrated because I do have to 'manage' him over so many other aspects of his life otherwise it would be to my detriment too.

Other people don't usually see the shitty behaviour though - he's usually chatty, witty and outgoing although the mask did slip in front of friends this weekend and they remarked on it.

Thank you for answering that for me. I understand. I hope you are ok x

My DH is the same @Adhdwife, to the rest of the world he's a salt-of-the-earth type, always helpful and friendly and (mostly) cheerful. Indoors with us he can be the same, but he can also be extremely moody, unpleasant and snappy.

And the passive-aggressive stuff, is that ADHD stuff as well, or just Arsehole stuff?

He doesn't have a diagnosis, I've been trying to get him to engage with that for years...and sadly even if it does turn out to be the problem (or part of it) it might now be too late as I have had enough.

It is so hard knowing what to do for the best isn't it, some days I dream that he'll get diagnosed and treated and he'll always be like he is on a good day. And other days I think the ADHD is irrelevant, and as @3luckystars says, there is a lot more going on.

I have ADHD. Meds have changed my life so significantly. If his behaviour is bad enough to be breaking up his marriage then surely his ADHD warrants treatment! I would push for a new pysch and meds. If he won't do that, then you know you can't go on.

I don't think I am selfish, however for me 'out of sight is out of mind' can apply to people too. I know how that sounds, but it's a simple truth. Hard to live with of course and I recognise this trait makes me a poor friend. I suspect my DH has ADHD too, and I think that makes us easier on one another. We are both incredibly self reliant and have quite separate interests. Somehow it works.

Sounds like he is a selfish manchild anyway , I have adhd but dont have either of these traits

Thanks. @Peach1886 Yes, very hard to know what to do for the best. I rarely see the happy-go-lucky stuff in private now, all I get is the moody, shitty side. He has had depression though.

@TheAirbender We have discussed a second opinion and know the meds can be game changers. However, I'm realising the resentment and spite isn't ADHD, it's definitely arsehole behaviour.

He's going to seek specialist counselling (I've said I'll go with him to at least the first session).

And I'm booking in with a divorce solicitor in the meantime as I'm not convinced the selfish, nasty side will ever go away. I can deal with his disorganisation and messiness but not that.☹️

Oh @Adhdwife your life mirrors mine almost exactly at the moment...except I am just about holding on in hope that a diagnosis and meds can help, and also that the nasty stuff is a result of his internal chaos...but I could be kidding myself on the latter.

I've also spoken to a solicitor so my ducks are at least gathered if not in a row...they didn't say what I wanted to hear re the marital assets, as you said upthread I may only be left with some of them if we divorce, but that may have to be the price if it gets me and DS out of this nightmare. And I'm telling myself that it would at least mean DS had a decent "second home" when he's staying with his dad.

Much love and support to you, this is not what either of us signed up for is it?

if he wants to trial medication to see if it helps, he needs to tell them that. They wont be able to say "its not bad enough for meds" thats not how adhd works. If he has enough traits for a formal diagnosis then he has significant impairments in attention span or executive function for it to be worth trying to treat. His issues are affecting his marriage and personal life. Theres no point downplaying it to the psych. People do kid themselves that they are coping, but its usually because someone else is picking up the slack (you) and because they have developed coping mechanisms, strategies and the other stuff they just fail at.

Selfishness -isnt an adhd trait. If hes self absorbed and you think maybe autistic spectrum then it can make someone find it harder to see the others point of view, but medication wont necessarily help that.

You are married to him, so im assuming that things were better at some point in the past, or maybe you thought you could change him??

I probably did hope he would change @Branleuse but it's also that we were so busy with bringing up kids and work that it wasn't so evident. It's become worse because his work has changed and he can't cope with it emotionally. But I deserve more than being a metaphorical punchbag.
@Peach1886
I used to see more of the happy go lucky than I do now too, which compensated for living with Mr Messy. And like many adhd spouses, I'm uber-organised and productive (which I don't mind).
@Peach1886 I wish you luck! I am hoping counselling will help too and that he can sort out his low self esteem and mental chaos which I get the backlash from. He says I've contributed to his low self esteem which is probably true to a point - before the diagnosis, I would get very frustrated over his inability to remember stuff, progress his career etc and would blame him for these failings.

Now I've maybe cut him too much slack and accepted ADHD as a reason for some really shitty, childish behaviour.

@Adhdwife - again, me too, well-organised and productive and used to running everything and coping with the mess.

And then DS arrived and I/we discovered I wasn't superwoman after all...and the pressure on DH to parent as well as the primary focus switching from him to DS showed the sandy foundations everything was built on...that and his resentment at DS needing so much of my time/energy (which is the bit I REALLY struggle with, and that can't be down to ADHD can it?!) which is when he started getting really unpleasant.

I don't want to end my marriage if it can be avoided, so I'm willing to give diagnosis and meds/therapy a try (I've only been asking for about five years), but as you say @TheAirbender, if he won't engage with that properly there is nowhere to go, and @billysboy is right, he's just a selfish manchild.

What's raising hell at the moment is I've said DH needs to move out for a bit so we can both have some space, is that something you could try @Adhdwife? Although it's made things even more difficult in the short term, it does at least seem to have made him see how bad things are...and if your DH can say that to the psych then I don't see how they could say he's not bad enough for meds...

OP, i mean it kindly, but if your husband is being a total dick to you and using you as an emotional punchbag as well as being a wrecking ball to your home, then you dont need a support thread. You need a divorce lawyer because that is unreasonable behaviour. You wont get a medal for sticking it out in misery, and you only get one shot at life.

I have ADHD myself, and im medicated and im also on the autistic spectrum. So is my partner. We are not abusive to each other and work really hard to find solutions to our difficulties and weaknesses.
Does he recognise he isnt treating you well?
Not much point sacrificing yourself for a marriage vow, when hes not even loving and cherishing you particularly.
Thank God we DONT have to be stuck in miserable relationships for our whole lives anymore.

@Branleuse He has upped his game wrt messiness etc and at the moment is being considerate in every way he can. But I don't trust it will last because he's admitted his deep-seated issues bubble up into anger with me which comes out in passive-agressive, sometimes verbally aggressive, ways.

I'm very assertive and call him out on it but then he resents that more I suspect. He needs to sort out his head.

We have a big house and lead separate lives much of the time, which suits me. I am going to see a divorce solicitor but am willing to engage with a specialist counsellor too rather than throw the towel in just yet.

I would rather live in a small simole house than live with him, any day.

Your existence with him sounds awful.

His mild diagnosis is no excuse for the nasty selfish behaviour you are enduring.

Go to you appointment and get out.

Imagine the peace of not dealing with his selfish bullshit every day.

Life is just too short.

And yes, he does recognise he isn't treating me well but iit seems beyond him to cope with the ADHD while also treating me well. In reality he doesn't know what a normal, equal relationship is like because I've taken the lead so much.

And he used to be more relaxed and fun to be with.

@billy1966 Finding a small, simple house in this area isn't that straightforward, I've been looking and there's nothing in my post-divorce price bracket for sale. The property market has gone nuts.

It all sounds exhausting @Adhdwife, and way too familiar; I can hear that you want to give it one last try, and I understand why, but as your kids are grown I really would make this the last time, you deserve a happy and relaxed life without all this stress, it's hard to imagine every day being like that I know, but it is still possible .

The thing is, it’s true that ‘selfishness’ isn’t a trait of ADHD, but all the people rushing to say that don’t seem to realise that ignoring your partner bc you’re in a little hyperfocused bubble and being a resentful snappy arse when dragged out of it, ‘out of sight out of mind’, ‘oh I forgot’, being unable to concentrate on anything other than what gives them dopamine, ‘oh yeah sorry I’m late again’ etc (my unmedicated ADHD ex) LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME AS SELFISHNESS. It’s very hard to tease out what is and isn’t the disorder sometimes because a neurotypical person acting like that would rightly be accused of being selfish.