Struggling with the effects of DH's ADHD - anyone else??

[Adhdwife]

DH has been diagnosed with ADHD within the last year and I'm struggling to accept it.

The psychiatrist said he wasn't bad enough for meds so we're basically just left to cope alone.

We've been married a long time, kids have left home.

Now we're both WFH and spending long periods together I've realised how badly he is affected.

The trouble is, what's undoubtedly ADHD behaviour is often also the same behaviour of a thoughtless prick and I'm finding it hard to come to terms with the knowledge that this won't change. He's also hard working (just sometimes not focused), clever, funny and genuinely a great dad to our adult DC.

The psychiatrist also queried mild autism but didn't pursue that any further.

I take out marriage vows seriously, we married for better for worse, for sickness and in health and this is a 'sickness' but it's so hard living with the fact I just 'disappear' because he's hyperfocused on other things.

Are there any words of wisdom/coping tips from other women married or living with a non neurotypical partner please?

@Incredibad Thank you for sharing that, it's helpful to know.
As the neurotypical partner it's difficult for me to know what I should excuse and what I really shouldn't tolerate, especially as it's a recent diagnosis.

same here @Incredibad, that line between ADHD and Arsehole seems very fine sometimes, I want to be reasonable and accommodating but equally I don't want to be walked over!

@Adhdwife and I are clearly treading the same precipitous path, with slightly different timelines...

@Adhdwife I haven't RTFT yet, but I have inattentive ADHD and I'm likely to forget stuff by the time I reach the end of the thread .

I wanted to let you know that I think that when psychologists make an ADHD diagnosis the level of severity of the condition is at least partly measured by the degree of impact that your 'challenges' have on everyday life e.g. relationships, parenting, work, money management, self care etc.

So if your DH tells her psychologist that he is managing pretty well and life is ok, the is likely to come out with a diagnosis that is 'mild'.

It sounds to me like your DH may not be aware of how some of his symptoms are impacting his life. Maybe it's hard for him to see how 'different' he is, how much he is impacting you and how close he is to loosing his family.

Sending you

Married for 4 years and As after two years of marriage I asked him to go to the GP because I suspected he had ADHD well the GP referred him to a psychiatrist and he was diagnosed he's right in the middle.
Worst thing is that his parents knew he was off but they never did anything about it they just overcompensated for his lack of everything and then when we got married they they said I was the worst wife ever because I refused to constantly mother him and provide a soft landing ground for him when he falls. To them I'm still the devil but I pay no heed to them and their opinions and I blame them a lot for how he's turned out. You don't just catch adhd, it's congenital.

Over time I have learnt to distinguish his ADHD from his personality and it is tough because he refuses the medication he is really trying hard to work at it but they can't just will themselves to act more capable. Therapy is needed to change the way they think but mine refuses not meds and therapy he won't evenread up about the condition,

he would rather eat junk food than real nutritious meals. When we first started going out i used to tell him that he had childish tastebuds I didn't realise that he eats like that because he needed the constant high of additives he needed his dopamine to be constantly topped up
the struggle is real and I'm so sorry for all the partners of adhd. It got so bad that inApril 2020 he just walked out on me I was 11 weeks pregnant then with my daughter and he just left he planned it all with his parents and left with the car drove all the way back to the Netherlands because he is Dutch and left me with a dog two cats and all house by myself and pregnant and without a car in the middle of nowhere he claimed he was having a nervous breakdown but it was The realisation that he was no longer going to be the baby in the house and I actually told him look a real baby is on its way so you really have to man up now and that was the day he started to make his plans to leave because his brain does not emote like neuro typical persons.
He came back just a month before she was born she was born in November 2020 so I was alone through the lockdown, hospital appointments etc I had to cycle almost everywhere food shopping, appointments ( we lived in a Cheshire country side).
But I was so determined to prove to My on born daughter that I was going to be there for her that I was strong enough to be there for her and not bail out on her like a father did.
To top it all I never once received a phone call from grandparents to say hi I know things are bad between you and my son but how are you and the baby. Yet now they want to come round every weekend to see her which of course I don't allow They only see her when I choose to. Many more horrible things he has done in the past and currently does it is just tough. I realise that he is not normal he's not like the rest of us I don't make excuses for his behaviour but I have learnt to accept that his brain works differently from mine
I personally have resolved to stay in my marriage because adhd aside we like each other.
Some things I have learnt over the four years about ADHD adults:
1)they never own up to their mistakes they never take responsibility for their actions it is always someone else's fault
2) They have very very low self-esteem
3)Because they present as normal to the outside world when you try to talk to friends and family about how hard things are, they tend to brush you off and tell you all marriage is like that. they will never understand what it is to be married to ADHD.
4)It's easy to fall into the trap of mothering
5) Oftentimes they have lived in consequence free world so I make sure that he suffers the consequences of every mistake he makes.If I always jump in and save the day he will never learn
6)They are super duper sensitive they cannot take any sort of constructive criticism. Most times is a waste of time to try to explain logically to them why and where they've gone wrong
7)You will always be the one taking initiative as Regards plans, project for the future anything to do with every day practical living
8) I suffer from mental loneliness which is the loneliness that comes from not having someone to share your ideas your projects your thoughts for the future for the family and things like that.
Thankfully I am an introvert so I don't suffer so much from the typical loneliness that some ADHD partner suffer from its just that the weight of been the only one thinking been the only driving force behind the family is kind of lonely
9) They are always hooked on something if if it's not the phone it is either the news if it's not the news it's a certain type of game if it's not a certain type of game is it certain type of crisp

My post is not eloquently written and that's because I am just tired and fed up of the whole ADHD I live breath wake up sleep ADHD I read and read about how to cope with ADHD partner the more I read the more I feel hopeless because the more I understand how serious this condition is and how it impacts your everyday life

Take heart you fellow adhd partners

@Jujules20 I am so sorry to hear of your situation. However I think your list of "what you have learned over 4 years about ADHD adults" is really offensive to me as an ADHD sufferer. The list may reflect your experience but it certainly doesn't apply to me or many other people that I know with ADHD.

I work extremely hard to minimise the impact that my challenges have on others, especially my family, friends, business contacts and most importantly my lovely H and son. If this does happen I feel absolutely awful, apologise and put things right as best I can. I do recognise when things are my fault, in fact people who know me well tell me that I'm very hard on myself.

I am constantly trying to do better and be better by implementing coping strategies and finding new ones.

My family and friends are hugely important to me. I'd do anything for them.

@Jujules20

What an awful situation to resign yourself to.

I cannot see the point of your sacrifice just for a person you like.

No wonder you are exhausted.

I would think long and hard before committing to more children together.

@Jujules20 💐 So much of that sounds familiar. My late MIL who undoubtedly also had ADHD was an utter bitch to me and over-protected DH. I should have left him then by I didn't have great self esteem myself then (I do now).

@freckles20 DH swears he would do anything for me and I can see he's working hard to minimise the impact when he remembers. But the sad fact is I was probably only his hyperfocus before we married. I had massive doubts then and called off the wedding once. I should have listened to my gut then.

@Adhdwife I'm so sorry for what you are going through with your DH and how your MIL treated you.

My DH is not my hyperfocus. I can see your point and maybe I was very focussed on our relationship when we first met- but I feel confident that many relationships are like that at the start!

He is a wonderful husband and I am very lucky. I don't think he's in any doubt about how much he means to me, or that he and DS are my absolute priority. I think he is happy with our marriage- he often tells me how happy he is, and that I should be kinder to myself.

@billy1966 I understand what you mean. It's not a case of resigning myself to the situ. It's true that I am exhausted.

We not only like each other as in we are friends. We also love each other
The thing is love is a very strong impelling force.
Adhders have a personality. I see both and I can clearly distinguish between the two.
It's tougher than tough for me but the more empathy I have cultivated the more I say to myself 'What if he had a visible terminal illness would I just up and leave because it's tough?'

Many in a similar situ cope better than I and I cope better than some. I accept my reality. It doesn't mean I minimise the impact it has on our lives

There's so much to say but am one of the worst INTPS out there

I do appreciate the honesty and openness of adhd partners here

@Adhdwife totally understand the MIL and DH tries hard some times and when he does I make sure to explicitly express appreciation but the gap is still wide

You sound like a very kind woman.
Don't forget to mind yourself too@Jujules20.

@billy1966 thank you!

"Adhders have a personality. I see both and I can clearly distinguish between the two."

@Jujules20 Ouch! I think I've been really polite on this thread, and several times I have tried to point out that it's unfair to claim things along the lines of "All people with adhd are like xxxxxx". You keep insinuating that we are all going to make difficult partners!

It's hard to read your statements when as an adhd person I don't recognise them in myself, or my son, or some other people that I know with the condition. It is doubly hard when I work so very hard not to be a difficult person to live with or be with!

I am very sorry that your relationship is so hard due to your husband's adhd. But please if you could try not to speak like an expert on adhd who claims that we are all the same, and that to be in a relationship with us is undoubtedly going to be tough.

Jumping on here for some advice please. How does medication help with adultd who have ADHD. Does it somehow help them become more organised/less messy etc? Thank you

Hello everyone. Can we politely request that posters refrain from generalising about people diagnosed with ADHD? We appreciate that this is a support thread and sharing experiences is part of that - but please do keep in mind that posts describing negative personality traits as universal could be upsetting for some MNers and may be deleted. Thank you.

Hi op, I am in a similar situation. If you feel comfortable doing so could you share how you got on? Thanks

Apologies if this is an insensitive question, but it's one I've often wanted to ask on similar threads. Why does the diagnosis make a difference (to you, not him)? If his behaviour is consistent with that of 'a thoughtless prick', why did you put up with it pre-diagnosis? Or did he manage to mask it for a long time?

I have this with my DW. We came close to separating last week over the latest crisis (insane comfort spending creating debts). It's very hard having to live with chronic chaos, and having to provide executive function for your spouse as well as for yourself. But it is easier if/when they accept it is in fact a problem and seek help. It's worst when there is denial. We are trying to start again.

@Bananasinpyjamas1988 I've sent you a pm - things are a lot better!

I’m NT in a family full of NDs. It can be really hard at times, but something I find helps is to recognise there isn’t a right or wrong. It’s just that society is set by NT standards.
I used to say to my DCs dad (we’ve been separated for years now) - of course you do that, it’s the rules! And he said, whose rules? Yours?

They weren’t my rules but they were my expectations based on societal norms. Those things don’t necessarily make sense when you look at them from a place of logic.

There is a lot of give and take required in this dynamic and lots of things I’d have done differently. Thankfully I’ve had the chance to learn along the way with my children but if I started the relationship with their dad again, knowing what I know now, I’d have a whole different outlook on things.

I don’t know if that’s helpful or not.

I am autistic and have ADHD. In my marriage I was supportive, empathic, listened, carried the entire mental load both practical and emotional.

My ex husband is neurotypical and a selfish prick. And also dull in the way neurotypicals often are.

Stop using neurodivergence as a reason for cuntish behaviour. So tedious.

peeks above parapet

Hello @Adhdwife - sorry you're struggling.
Can I suggest a LOT of research before making a decision about someone you once loved and may still do.
Check out ADDitude magazine (online)
Consider supplements - lots of studies point to them being useful.
Get a second opinion on meds.

Hope you find a way through. Late diagnosis is HARD. Maybe coaching for him and therapy for you both also. Even just for a short period?