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Original poster

Need advice on how to make husband realise he isn't 18!

92 replies

Blackjeans88 · 17/10/2021 21:00

Married for 2 years, together for 6. Have one child, 14 months old. I'm also 6 months pregnant.
DH works hard, is a good parent, makes me happy on the whole and pulls his weight. All other areas of our relationship are fine, he's not perfect but neither am I!
Pre children we were both big fans of going out, separately and together. Since our daughter has slept through the night, about 7 months old, my husband has started going out again. I have no issue with this. The problem lies in the time he comes home. This morning it was 6am. Its always 5/6 ish and is most weekends.
We have a lie in each on the weekends, he definitely tries to take the piss when he has been out but I often say around 10am time to get up (so as not to drip feed I'm downstairs for 10am on my lie in, I use my time to read, tan, do my hair etc!)
If we have plans he would stick to them, albeit looking a bit green and moody.
I have talked to him about this a couple of times, he argues he isn't doing much wrong, he acknowledges its not great time wise but he says he just loses track of time. I'm starting to get really worn down by it....any advice on what I can do to get him to stop!
Should add I trust him, and we live near a big city so he often is just sat in the casino having a drink or at a club that closes at 5am.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 17/10/2021 21:20

You can't make him realise something he already knows. He's choosing to prioritise staying out all night over being in a fit condition to spend meaningful time with his family.

You can't 'grow him up'. If you've told him it's important to you and he's dismissed that, you need to a) decide whether it's a deal breaker for you, and b) decide whether you're happy to have a partner who dismisses things that are important to you.

All you can do is be very clear with him about the way it makes you feel, and how you really aren't happy with the change in dynamic when he's been out. Have you done that, and been specific?

Brollywasntneededafterall · 17/10/2021 21:22

Maybe have a night away at a friend's house.. Let him see how juggling mornings with a dc are without you around..

dreamingbohemian · 17/10/2021 21:24

How old is he?

Original poster
Blackjeans88 · 17/10/2021 21:27

It is a deal breaker. I feel disrespected and I do feel he is dismissing something that is important to me, but, I can't call it a deal breaker as realistically I wouldn't leave. The marriage is not at that breaking point and I will soon have 2 under 2, and I couldn't imagine doing that on my own, maybe one day, not yet though.
I have been clear, maybe I need to say it again, I just don't know Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackjeans88 · 17/10/2021 21:30

@Brollywasntneededafterall I do often stay at my sisters. In the half term he is taking our daughter on his own to see his brother in Spain (I was meant to go but now I can't!)
Unfortunately that angle isn't one I can't take, he is actually a really capable father and takes it in his stride

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackjeans88 · 17/10/2021 21:30

@dreamingbohemian 36

OP posts:
Clandestin · 17/10/2021 21:32

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Maybe have a night away at a friend's house.. Let him see how juggling mornings with a dc are without you around..
This. He needs to deal with the consequences of his late nights. If he thinks it’s worth wrangling a 14 month old solo when exhausted and hungover and is able to do it adequately, then so be it.
GoodnightGrandma · 17/10/2021 21:34

How much is he spending on these nights out ?

EarthSight · 17/10/2021 21:35

Sorry, but why is he at a casino, exactly? Hmm

Do you live in the U.K? Most people, young ones included, wouldn't really be drawn to casinos unless they planned on gambling or knew people who worked there and so would get a discount on drinks or something. It's definitely not a normal hang-out for most people in the U.K at least. They're usually in pubs, bars or clubs with friends. What's this casino like? If he was going alone there and staying up that late I'd be wondering if he's there hoping to be approached by a woman.

I used to see older aged men out alone on nights out when I was young. They usually sat there with a drink, looking forlorn and hopeful at the same time, ooglong much younger women, from time to time. This isn't just about your partner acting like he's 18. This is about him behaving as if he's single and getting drunk in order to mentally escape family life and the expectations now placed upon him as a (hopefully) mature adult.

Original poster
Blackjeans88 · 17/10/2021 21:36

@Clandestin that wont work, he does do his share of childcare and even when he has come in late and I was in early stages of pregnancy and said to him he needs to get up with her as I'm shattered, he would. I work part time and he has her then and also like I mentioned I have one lie in already a week.
The childcare side of things isn't the the problem really. It's coming in at a ridiculous time that is the issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackjeans88 · 17/10/2021 21:39

@goodnightgrandma I'm not sure, without sounding like a dick money isn't overly tight and he is a generous person and not an idiot with money, but it is definitely something I hadn't actually thought of before.

OP posts:
Greydaysandrainbows · 17/10/2021 21:42

How many nights has he had out until 6am -10 ? that's 5 full weekends he owes you then.

Offside · 17/10/2021 21:43

Well I think it’s a bit of a sweeping statement to insinuate he would only be going to casinos to gamble or get discounted drinks!

I and many of my friends used to head to the casino at the end of the night (live in a big city) as they still served really good food and the bars were always nice and chilled and not full of not rights. It felt a safer placer to go if it was going to be a late (early morning) one.

None of us gambled nor knew people there. Obviously it might be that OPs DH does gamble but again, nothing wrong with that if they can afford it and he can control it. But sweeping statements are never popular on MN

Niater · 17/10/2021 21:43

Op are you sure he’s just drinking? I used to use drugs (cocaine) quite a bit in my crazy years and I’d find that was the only way you could stay up until 5am. I know when I used to have those nights no one ever wanted to leave early, you never seem to get to the point where you’ve reached your limit, like you would with driving alone. If there is a possibility of something like that it will need to be dealt with in a whole different way.

Original poster
Blackjeans88 · 17/10/2021 21:43

@EarthSight yep in the UK. I'm cautious I'm sounding overly defensive of him but I know who is out with. Its usually his brothers or his best friend. All of whom are in relationships, but they have children from previous relationships (so don't have them there the next day probably like he does!)
I do trust him, but it does bother me, the kind of women that are out at 5am in clubs aren't really often the pure and wholesome type.

OP posts:
Niater · 17/10/2021 21:43

Drinking alone certainly not driving!

Original poster
Blackjeans88 · 17/10/2021 21:44

@Offside yep it's one casino we all used to go to, he has a little gamble but never anything big. He is very honest about money, if I ask he tells.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/10/2021 21:46

I do trust him, but it does bother me, the kind of women that are out at 5am in clubs aren't really often the pure and wholesome type.

But you think the men you know, in the same places, at the same time, are? Quite the misogynist leap.

My 20s involved much partying. I don't know anyone who regularly had nights out til 6am who didn't take coke on the vast majority of those nights out.

Original poster
Blackjeans88 · 17/10/2021 21:48

@Niater well when I mentioned us going out pre kids we both occasionally had more than a drink, I could tell if he had done it. Again he is brutally honest and if I asked him he would tell me. I realise some people are probably rolling their eyes at this point but there isn't much sinister business, he's just a bloke who gets carried away and acts like he is 18 and comes in at a ridiculous time for a married father!

OP posts:
ThePoisonousMushroom · 17/10/2021 21:49

the kind of women that are out at 5am in clubs aren't really often the pure and wholesome type

Neither are the kind of men that are out at 5am in clubs Hmm

TheFoundations · 17/10/2021 21:49

@Blackjeans88

It is a deal breaker. I feel disrespected and I do feel he is dismissing something that is important to me, but, I can't call it a deal breaker as realistically I wouldn't leave. The marriage is not at that breaking point and I will soon have 2 under 2, and I couldn't imagine doing that on my own, maybe one day, not yet though. I have been clear, maybe I need to say it again, I just don't know Sad
You need to decide, or you'll stay in this same pattern for years, and it's something you'll really regret, both for you and your kids. Do you want them to be witnessing his hang overs and grim morning/day-after moods as they grow up? Does he want that for them? Does he realise that they will (likely) replicate his behaviour when they are adults?

The thing that's important to you is raising your children in a healthy environment. That's not something he can dismiss. Well, it is, but if he dismisses it, then he needs to be dismissed.

Why do you say 'realistically I wouldn't leave'? What would stop you? You love him enough that you can let his dismissal of the very fundamentals of family structure go? You couldn't break up with him because of the children?

Opentooffers · 17/10/2021 21:49

You say before DC you went out together or separately, but you now only mention him going out. You say it's every weekend, so does that mean you never go out together or separate to him anymore? I'd be more annoyed that every weekend he gets to go out while you don't if you hats the case. Relationships are always going to suffer if you never have date nights, it's how you stay connected. Maybe alternate, he goes out, then you go out, then you both go out together, that was he's doing his thing every 3 weeks and you get to go out too, which is only fair.

stillonthattightrope · 17/10/2021 21:49

[quote Blackjeans88]@EarthSight yep in the UK. I'm cautious I'm sounding overly defensive of him but I know who is out with. Its usually his brothers or his best friend. All of whom are in relationships, but they have children from previous relationships (so don't have them there the next day probably like he does!)
I do trust him, but it does bother me, the kind of women that are out at 5am in clubs aren't really often the pure and wholesome type.[/quote]
Sorry but you can fuck right off with that shitty attitude towards other women.

I've been known to come home at dawn and I'd love to know what this means for my character. Just because sometime clearly likes to party, it doesn't mean they want to fuck your husband ffs.

I think it would be helpful if you could pin down exactly what upsets you.
Frequency of nights out?
If he went out less often but still came home at 6, would that bother you less? Weekly is excessive and will mess with family life but once a month I don't think I could get too upset about.

Original poster
Blackjeans88 · 17/10/2021 21:50

@youvegottenminuteslynn if my statement read that way that wasn't how I meant it. Although I do know these men, I don't know the women. But the men I don't know I would also say a huge chunk are the same!!

OP posts:
ThePoisonousMushroom · 17/10/2021 21:53

So everyone who hangs out in clubs until 5am is dodgy, men or women, apart from your DH and his brothers?