Need advice on how to make husband realise he isn't 18!

[Blackjeans88]

Married for 2 years, together for 6. Have one child, 14 months old. I'm also 6 months pregnant.
DH works hard, is a good parent, makes me happy on the whole and pulls his weight. All other areas of our relationship are fine, he's not perfect but neither am I!
Pre children we were both big fans of going out, separately and together. Since our daughter has slept through the night, about 7 months old, my husband has started going out again. I have no issue with this. The problem lies in the time he comes home. This morning it was 6am. Its always 5/6 ish and is most weekends.
We have a lie in each on the weekends, he definitely tries to take the piss when he has been out but I often say around 10am time to get up (so as not to drip feed I'm downstairs for 10am on my lie in, I use my time to read, tan, do my hair etc!)
If we have plans he would stick to them, albeit looking a bit green and moody.
I have talked to him about this a couple of times, he argues he isn't doing much wrong, he acknowledges its not great time wise but he says he just loses track of time. I'm starting to get really worn down by it....any advice on what I can do to get him to stop!
Should add I trust him, and we live near a big city so he often is just sat in the casino having a drink or at a club that closes at 5am.

I've been that mum that stayed out till 5/6 on many occasions and it's never been an issue but I'm sure you know a parent of a young one with a job can't realistically can stay with up till that time without a little assistance?!

I don't really understand your issue here OP. He goes out with friends and comes home at silly times but you don't think he's cheating, doing drugs, gambling uncontrollably and it doesn't effect him pulling his weight at home with chores or childcare. And you both get a lie in each per week.

It seems to me that you both used to do these nights out and now you've had a dc you've decided you both need to change and are annoyed that he hasn't.

Maybe have a think about what exactly you want - for him to maybe go out less often? That seems more reasonable to me than trying to set a curfew for him when he goes.

You sound similar to a friend of mine. Her DH carried on nights out after their DS and she didn't mind but then she did mind. And she didn't tall to him properly. And he carried on. And she resented him. They split.

Talk to him honestly about how you are feeling. Get to a compromise that you are comfortable with because something about this is pissing you off

Good luck x

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I do trust him, but it does bother me, the kind of women that are out at 5am in clubs aren't really often the pure and wholesome type.

But you think the men you know, in the same places, at the same time, are? Quite the misogynist leap.

My 20s involved much partying. I don't know anyone who regularly had nights out til 6am who didn't take coke on the vast majority of those nights out.

There's a few people mentioning this on here. If you think there's any possibility of him doing anything else other than drinking, it's a sign of worse of things to come. Hopefully it's not relevant to your situation.

If it was my husband I'd have a chat and say this is not acceptable to me, I don't mind you going out but want you to come home at a reasonable hour, if you cannot do this I'd like you to leave.
I understand you don't want to do this, I'm just saying what I'd do, I would not hang around until my children where older life is to short to waste time.
If he loves you enough he will stop.
You could manage the kids on your own if you really had to. X

What happens when baby comes? I’m similarly pregnant and when baby comes dh is going to do a night shift at least on weekends- he can’t feed baby but he can let me sleep for two hours between feeds, and I sleep in every weekend morning. Like you I have older dc so day naps are unlikely. How will he be able to pull his weight at nights if he’s out?

@timeisnotaline he wont go out then! So he can stop it when he wants to, just not because I ask. He didn't start this till our daughter slept through

It sounds like perhaps your identity and sense of self has been transformed by motherhood (as I think is true for most mums) so it feels inappropriate to you that his identity hasn't changed - he's the same in his compartmentalised 'going out' / 'one with the lads' identity so in your eyes hasn't fully embraced or accepted that he's a dad of two (nearly three) now? I think I get it but can't seem to articulate why it would also make me feel he was less of a team player in general.

Yy the second kid is going to require a step up in commitment from him anyway so these big nights out may come to a natural end.

But make sure you claim equal money and spend it on something you want! It's his fault he pissed his up a tree; and your turn to spend on yourself.

Does he really just stand around drinking and behaving admirably until 5am?

I think you have really lost a lot of people with your sexist and insulting comment about women that stay out late whilst your late-staying out husband would do no wrong. There is no context or further explanation that makes your comment acceptable.

Anyway if you want to discuss with your husband and have anything change, you need to articulate the issue better. Now I would not appreciate my DH staying out until 5am at the weekend, but I can articulate why - he would be useless the next day, he would be spending / wasting our money and frankly if he did that I would be wondering what he was up to as obviously he prefers other company to mine.

But you have said that none of these things are your concerns and you have even said if he carries on doing it and you would still not reconsider the relationship. So what does this really come down to? I am afraid like other posters, whilst I know what I would have a problem with, I am not clear what your issue is, by your own admission it doesn’t impact your life and you and he would be asleep during most of the time he is gone anyway,.

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes, that's probably a good idea of exactly how I feel. Pregnancy hormones are also coming into play a lot, I can't say I felt as bothered a few months ago, as I reach my last trimester I do feel more pissed off about it.

@avarua that is a good point. I'm going to talk to him this evening and I will mention it.

I'm hoping what you and others have said about the second child does happen. Either that or it wont and I will be a lot more certain about the fact his nights out just aren't sustainable for us as a family.

OP, isn't part of the problem that he's effectively having a night away once a week? Does your DC sleep through the night always?

If I were you I'd feel a bit unsupported and worried. Is he usually contactable? If you called him, would he be in a fit state to come home?

It will be interesting to see what he does when your due date approaches. Did you have an ok delivery for your first?

Has your pregnancy been ok?

In my view, it isn't the next day that's such a problem if he's there and participating. It's the total ducking out on family life for one entire night, once per week. That's quite a luxurious escape which most parents don't get.

If he's drinking and possibly taking drugs then he's totally checked out for that period of time - he wouldn't be able to grab his keys and drive home to help in an emergency, for example. So you're a lone parent for one night per week but without having agreed that.

He must be very relaxed and feel you've got it all under control which is great. If you were to spend the other weekend night in a hotel maybe that would be fair, and come back by 10am. Switch your phone on silent and do not answer any niggly questions from him.

That's what I would do. Just say you find it exhausting to have to worry about your DC and you're pregnant and worry about early labour or whatever. You need some down time too and each weekend he goes out, you'll have a night in a hotel. Take some breathing space and let him have total responsibility so at least you're getting some time too.

@Blackjeans88

Sorry, yes that is my problem. I feel like a married man with a pregnant wife and 2 young children shouldn't be out that late basically. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking that?

I don't know about wrong but I think there's an element of control freakery there that doesn't bode well for the future, even if (especially if?) you do get your own way and manage to exert authority over every aspect of his lifestyle.

These are the things that make people - of both sexes - wake up after 20 years of marriage with teenage children and realise that they're not living their own life any more, that they're basically an actor in a play written by someone else, and that the only way to stop that last flicker of honest, self-generating life force from expiring for good is to leave the relationship for good. It happened to me, and to plenty of others on here.

You've said he works hard, pulls his weight and is a great parent. So once a week he has a hangover. Honestly, I think you just need to get over it and understand that being married and having children together doesn't mean you get to micromanage every moment of his life or make him slot into your pretermined ideas about how people "should" view going out at various ages.

He's probably shit scared about having another child and needs a safety valve. But even if he isn't, he's a grown adult and can find his own balance between the demands of life and release from them.

Are there drugs involved as well? How many nights a month would he be out. It's quite hard to stay up till 5am if you have been drinking since 8pm say...a lot of people would just get tired and want to go home to bed around 2am. Maybe he drinks a lot of Red Bull or something.

OP if I were you (and I was, once) I would be absolutely upfront with your DH about how his behaviour makes you feel and that it has to be cut right back, given his responsibilities. He has to grow up. I made the mistake of being cool with it, and it just got worse - even when we had three under 4, and even when the eldest was receiving cancer treatment. I never could rely on him. I should have nipped it in the bud by making him confront the fact that, yes, he had to bloody grow up.

(He never did. He’s 60 now and still Peter Pan. Luckily I’m no longer married to him but I feel bad that my darling DDs have an idiot for a dad. I really feel that the course of his/our life could have changed if he had accepted- before the birth of his second DD - that those youthful days had gone. )