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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need advice on how to make husband realise he isn't 18!

92 replies

Blackjeans88 · 17/10/2021 21:00

Married for 2 years, together for 6. Have one child, 14 months old. I'm also 6 months pregnant.
DH works hard, is a good parent, makes me happy on the whole and pulls his weight. All other areas of our relationship are fine, he's not perfect but neither am I!
Pre children we were both big fans of going out, separately and together. Since our daughter has slept through the night, about 7 months old, my husband has started going out again. I have no issue with this. The problem lies in the time he comes home. This morning it was 6am. Its always 5/6 ish and is most weekends.
We have a lie in each on the weekends, he definitely tries to take the piss when he has been out but I often say around 10am time to get up (so as not to drip feed I'm downstairs for 10am on my lie in, I use my time to read, tan, do my hair etc!)
If we have plans he would stick to them, albeit looking a bit green and moody.
I have talked to him about this a couple of times, he argues he isn't doing much wrong, he acknowledges its not great time wise but he says he just loses track of time. I'm starting to get really worn down by it....any advice on what I can do to get him to stop!
Should add I trust him, and we live near a big city so he often is just sat in the casino having a drink or at a club that closes at 5am.

OP posts:
stillonthattightrope · 17/10/2021 22:13

@ThePoisonousMushroom it's those pesky women who can't be trusted. Should be tucked up at home by midnight so they can't corrupt and seduce those innocent men.

Original poster
Blackjeans88 · 17/10/2021 22:13

@stillonthattightrope clever

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackjeans88 · 17/10/2021 22:14

@stillonthattightrope absolutely!! Thank god you've hijacked my post to tell everyone

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 17/10/2021 22:15

I don't understand why pps are saying 'I wouldn't have a problem with this.'

So what? OP does, and has every right to. Anybody else's personal boundaries aren't relevant.

Avarua · 17/10/2021 22:15

You can't control him. He will either grow out of it or he won't.

However.
If you want to make your position clear about it then ask him how much has spent on nights out in the last few months (or find out by looking at the bank) then take that exact same amount of money and spend it on something similarly expensive like an extravagant weekend away with a friend. Just make the point about money, not his moral failing or his lack of "growing up". People fall into playing the roles we set for them so be wary of calling him names or attempting to shame him out of it.

stillonthattightrope · 17/10/2021 22:15

[quote Blackjeans88]@stillonthattightrope absolutely!! Thank god you've hijacked my post to tell everyone[/quote]
I did respond to you earlier so it hasn't just been about this point. You do need to reflect on your judgmental side though, it's not a good look.

RampantIvy · 17/10/2021 22:16

This morning it was 6am. Its always 5/6 ish and is most weekends.

This would be a deal breaker for me. Why didn't he get this out of his system before embarking on having a family?

NewtoHolland · 17/10/2021 22:17

Would be astounded if there was no Coke involved for all of them..don't know anyone with that kind of stamina over 25 without substances involved, especially to counteract the sleepy affects of the alcohol.

godmum56 · 17/10/2021 22:18

@Blackjeans88

It is a deal breaker. I feel disrespected and I do feel he is dismissing something that is important to me, but, I can't call it a deal breaker as realistically I wouldn't leave. The marriage is not at that breaking point and I will soon have 2 under 2, and I couldn't imagine doing that on my own, maybe one day, not yet though. I have been clear, maybe I need to say it again, I just don't know Sad
If its a deal breaker then break the deal.
ThePoisonousMushroom · 17/10/2021 22:18

@TheFoundations

I don't understand why pps are saying 'I wouldn't have a problem with this.'

So what? OP does, and has every right to. Anybody else's personal boundaries aren't relevant.

I think people are just trying to figure out the OP’s problem with it. I absolutely would have a problem with it, because there’s no way my DH would be able to participate in family life that day after getting in at 6am, and because we don’t have that sort of money spare. However the OP says these aren’t issues, that he’s participating, money isn’t a problem, she trusts him etc, she just doesn’t like what time he gets home.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/10/2021 22:19

@TheFoundations

I don't understand why pps are saying 'I wouldn't have a problem with this.'

So what? OP does, and has every right to. Anybody else's personal boundaries aren't relevant.

I completely agree re personal boundaries it's just really difficult to decipher what OP's problem is as she has sort of batted away what people guess her issue is. He's present and willing to be an equal parent, she said it isn't a money issue etc then when she said she's worried about him being around women in the wee small hours she said she trusts him and that she isn't worried at all about him cheating. So it's just all a bit confusing as not sure what the issue is for her specifically.

I would have an issue with it as I would think doing that regularly was irresponsible and unattractive, so I'm not judging OP for having an issue with it. It's just so unclear what her issue is that it's hard for people to engage meaningfully.

Ihaveoflate · 17/10/2021 22:19

I'm not really sure what the issue is, given everything you've stated.

On our weekend lie in days we can get up whenever we want, so I think 10am is fair enough. You still get your lie in the next day, he joins in the family stuff etc.

Are you sure it doesn't just bother you that he's out drinking till the early hours? Isn't it up to him how he spends his time as long as the domestic labour is equitable? Or is it a trust issue?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/10/2021 22:19

@NewtoHolland

Would be astounded if there was no Coke involved for all of them..don't know anyone with that kind of stamina over 25 without substances involved, especially to counteract the sleepy affects of the alcohol.
This is what my issue would be I think, as someone who had a colourful 20s and knows how unlikely it is someone regularly does a 5/6am finish with booze only.
ThePoisonousMushroom · 17/10/2021 22:21

I regularly did 5/6 am finishes (then went home for a shower and went to work!) and have never taken a drug in my life.
That’s what I was 24 with no children though!

nancybotwinbloom · 17/10/2021 22:21

What is he doing till 6Am he doesn't want to come home.

That's a piss take.

Definitely sounds like he's going to after parties where he's sat in someone's house. You know how this goes op. After parties, few lines of Coke etc. He's not in a club till 6am.

The people who are at these parties are usually single or have no commitments. Not saying he is up to anything but every week?! That's a piss take.

Original poster
Blackjeans88 · 17/10/2021 22:22

Sorry, yes that is my problem. I feel like a married man with a pregnant wife and 2 young children shouldn't be out that late basically. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking that?

OP posts:
ThePoisonousMushroom · 17/10/2021 22:23

@Blackjeans88

Sorry, yes that is my problem. I feel like a married man with a pregnant wife and 2 young children shouldn't be out that late basically. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking that?
So it’s just an ‘appearances’ thing?
itshappened · 17/10/2021 22:25

Having two children was a game changer for me and my husband. We were both partial to a big night pre kids, and as we came out of the tiny baby stage some of that resumed after my first, mainly for my husband but occasionally me too. But after our second we found it just isn't possible to stay up until 5 and deal with a toddler and a baby, especially when one or both of them will have been up in the night. I now look at the party days very fondly but have moved on from it and so has my husband. I think you need to speak to your husband about limiting his big nights out to once a month if he can't find the restraint to just go out for a few and be home by midnight. And let him have a pass once a month to let his hair down. I suspect when your second baby arrives he will start to filter this out more as he will need to be more responsible for the parenting when you are dealing with a newborn and toddler, so he'll be too exhausted to do anything else!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/10/2021 22:25

@Blackjeans88

Sorry, yes that is my problem. I feel like a married man with a pregnant wife and 2 young children shouldn't be out that late basically. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking that?
I would find it really unattractive if a partner I had two kids and another on the way with was regularly out until 5/6am definitely. It sort of feels like he needs a level of escapism really regularly from what should be a happy and healthy home life, if that makes sense. I think that's what would bother me about it.
PermanentTemporary · 17/10/2021 22:25

I agree with Niater, really.

I wouldn't like this much either but I think you have built a strong and on the whole successful relationship. I do think people need pressure valves.

I have no idea how he is managing to stay up till the small hours and still pull his weight with 2 kids but if he is, maybe just a talk about it to say you find it quite difficult and if things change you would be pleased about it. I can certainly see why it bothers you.

Ihaveoflate · 17/10/2021 22:28

You're not 'wrong' if that's how you feel, but he might just disagree. I would personally have no issue with it as long as it wasn't having an impact on family life.

I'm a married 40 yo woman with a young child but I wouldn't think twice about going out drinking all night (apart from I'm too knackered!). There's nothing inherently wrong with it imo.

YukoandHiro · 17/10/2021 22:29

Hang in there. Two kids is a whole different ball game. It tends to be divide and conquer which means nobody gets a break/proper lie in anymore. It'll probably put a natural end to this behaviour and if it doesn't you'll probably feel angry enough to walk away

Pebbledashery · 17/10/2021 22:30

I'm a bit confused as to what your actual issue is, is it the time he's coming in and the fact you've raised it with him and he's still doing it?
If he's pulling his weight childcare wise, around the house, and you're having a lie in each at the weekend.. Then I'm not sure what the actual issue is if he's just out blowing off steam and you trust him?

godmum56 · 17/10/2021 22:41

I rthink the other slight problem is that you say that you both did it till baby came along...so if he's still pulling his weight on childcare, it seems to me that you want him to stop because you don't want to do it any more?

myheartskippedabeat · 17/10/2021 22:51

[quote Blackjeans88]@EarthSight yep in the UK. I'm cautious I'm sounding overly defensive of him but I know who is out with. Its usually his brothers or his best friend. All of whom are in relationships, but they have children from previous relationships (so don't have them there the next day probably like he does!)
I do trust him, but it does bother me, the kind of women that are out at 5am in clubs aren't really often the pure and wholesome type.[/quote]
If these people are all in relationships they can't be that happy if they choose to stay out until 5/6am can they?

Why aren't they at home with their partners?????

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