Need advice on how to make husband realise he isn't 18!

[Blackjeans88]

Married for 2 years, together for 6. Have one child, 14 months old. I'm also 6 months pregnant.
DH works hard, is a good parent, makes me happy on the whole and pulls his weight. All other areas of our relationship are fine, he's not perfect but neither am I!
Pre children we were both big fans of going out, separately and together. Since our daughter has slept through the night, about 7 months old, my husband has started going out again. I have no issue with this. The problem lies in the time he comes home. This morning it was 6am. Its always 5/6 ish and is most weekends.
We have a lie in each on the weekends, he definitely tries to take the piss when he has been out but I often say around 10am time to get up (so as not to drip feed I'm downstairs for 10am on my lie in, I use my time to read, tan, do my hair etc!)
If we have plans he would stick to them, albeit looking a bit green and moody.
I have talked to him about this a couple of times, he argues he isn't doing much wrong, he acknowledges its not great time wise but he says he just loses track of time. I'm starting to get really worn down by it....any advice on what I can do to get him to stop!
Should add I trust him, and we live near a big city so he often is just sat in the casino having a drink or at a club that closes at 5am.

I totally understand. It sounds like you have come out of your party years and he’s still not quite there. I’m sure he’ll eventually get to the point where he doesn’t want to go out but until that point I would maybe suggest he stays at his brothers or whoever he goes out with and comes back the next day once he’s slept it off and can help you with the kids etc. Unless you’ve been through it is easy to shout unrealistic demands, I’ve found the only thing that makes people ‘grow up’ is their own timing. He has to want to do it for himself as well as for you.

@Offside

Well I think it’s a bit of a sweeping statement to insinuate he would only be going to casinos to gamble or get discounted drinks!

I and many of my friends used to head to the casino at the end of the night (live in a big city) as they still served really good food and the bars were always nice and chilled and not full of not rights. It felt a safer placer to go if it was going to be a late (early morning) one.

None of us gambled nor knew people there. Obviously it might be that OPs DH does gamble but again, nothing wrong with that if they can afford it and he can control it. But sweeping statements are never popular on MN

@Offside Fair enough. I appreciate they have draws that have nothing to do with gambling, it's just in my experience it wasn't really a usual hangout for most people in the city.

@stillonthattightrope I did say 'often'. I wasn't saying all women are like that! I used to stay out till those times so have witnessed with my own eyes and been that woman once upon a time. Apologies if I offended my statement does sound shitty without me explaining what I meant.

The men leering about in clubs at 5am that have kids and wives at home aren't exactly the pure and wholesome type either.

@ThePoisonousMushroom oh ffs I didn't say that.

[quote Blackjeans88]@stillonthattightrope I did say 'often'. I wasn't saying all women are like that! I used to stay out till those times so have witnessed with my own eyes and been that woman once upon a time. Apologies if I offended my statement does sound shitty without me explaining what I meant.[/quote]
What women? I think if you have a point to make, be clear. You're just sounding judgy and mean.

What women stay out until 5am?

@Lw87

The men leering about in clubs at 5am that have kids and wives at home aren't exactly the pure and wholesome type either.

Why are these people 'leering about in clubs' and not just having a good time with their mates?

You are worried about him cheating though, or you wouldn't have mentioned the perceived moral character of the women there.

You know, the women there at the same time and the same place as your boyfriend. The women who aren't pure and wholesome because of being there at that time and in that place.

[quote Blackjeans88]@youvegottenminuteslynn if my statement read that way that wasn't how I meant it. Although I do know these men, I don't know the women. But the men I don't know I would also say a huge chunk are the same!![/quote]
Ok, so you mentioned the women because you're worried about your boyfriend cheating.

I apologise if my statement about pure and wholesome has offended, that really wasn't the focus of my original post whatsoever. What I am trying to say is SOME people who are out at 5am aren't there with the intentions of just having a drink, I do believe (naively?) My husband is. But what I am trying to say is the thought of that makes me unhappy.
I am not trying to say ALL women who go to bars and clubs at 5am are deviants, in the slightest.

[quote Blackjeans88]@EarthSight yep in the UK. I'm cautious I'm sounding overly defensive of him but I know who is out with. Its usually his brothers or his best friend. All of whom are in relationships, but they have children from previous relationships (so don't have them there the next day probably like he does!)
I do trust him, but it does bother me, the kind of women that are out at 5am in clubs aren't really often the pure and wholesome type.[/quote]
Lol 🤣

Can't tell if you are serious or not here. I'm not passing judgement on the women that are out at that time btw.

Anyway, disregarding that, I'm not sure if you can stop him. A big issue here is him not really being fully present if you want a family day out. Does it really have to be that late?? Until 5am? I assume going home at 2pm too conservative for him? And it's most weekends too. Is there no room for negotiation here? If you know you're planning a nice day together, can he not go out or just come back earlier?

@youvegottenminuteslynn husband, not boyfriend. No I not worried about him cheating....I think people here think I am naive for that but genuinely I'm not.



If he’s getting up at the time he’s supposed to, and you’re still getting your lie in on the other day, and you’ve said you don’t mind him going out, then what difference does it make to you what time he comes home? Presumably he’d just be in bed anyway so not actually doing anything useful.

@stillonthattightrope I can't see what it is you've put

[quote Blackjeans88]@youvegottenminuteslynn husband, not boyfriend. No I not worried about him cheating....I think people here think I am naive for that but genuinely I'm not.[/quote]
So why does the fact that some women may not be 'pure and wholesome' bother you? If you're not worried he would cheat I can't understand why the character of women in the same location as him was worth mentioning? I'm not saying that to be antagonistic, I just think it's disingenuous to say it's not a concern when you raised the issue?

Oh, I see that you were serious with that statement. I'm not offended just surprised that you think that considering that your partner appears to enjoy being out at that time too.

I don't know OP, my comments are partly influenced by what I saw in clubs. Middle aged men going to certain clubs where I lived didn't seem to be the 'wholesome' types lets say. A lot of them seemed a bit sleazy and greasy, and they looked out of place considering those clubs were so dominated by teenage girls and women in their early twenties.

@NotAnotherPushyMum

If he’s getting up at the time he’s supposed to, and you’re still getting your lie in on the other day, and you’ve said you don’t mind him going out, then what difference does it make to you what time he comes home? Presumably he’d just be in bed anyway so not actually doing anything useful.

Agree with this. He’s going out, lying in until 10am like he would whether he’d been out or not, then getting up and participating in family life. You’ve said you don’t mind him going out, and that money isn’t an issue, and you don’t think he’s doing anything he shouldn’t, and he pulls his weight the next day, so your issue is…?

Is he active and present in family life from 10am the next day?

So why does the fact that some women may not be 'pure and wholesome' bother you? If you're not worried he would cheat I can't understand why the character of women in the same location as him was worth mentioning? I'm not saying that to be antagonistic, I just think it's disingenuous to say it's not a concern when you raised the issue

And I agree with this. If you trust him as you say, then why does the supposed character of the women around him matter? Unless you think they’re going to take advantage of him?

@stillonthattightrope I'm sure some of them are, but the ones I saw frequently looked at young women, frequently teenagers as if they were sizing them up for dinner.

From your updates it sounds like you want him home because you feel it’s a more appropriate thing to be doing rather than it actually affecting you?

[quote Blackjeans88]@stillonthattightrope I can't see what it is you've put[/quote]
It was a 'keep digging' meme but it won't post. Just imagine a bloke digging a hole.

I think it's fine tbh in the context of everything else.