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Original poster

Lingerie…just can’t be arsed with it

107 replies

Justcannotbearsed · 16/10/2021 22:05

I can barely summon up the enthusiasm for sex. It’s usually ok in the end. Menopausal, stress job, stressy husband, lots of stuff going on.

He really likes me to wear lingerie. I haven’t for ages. I used to quite like it but, just can’t be arsed.

Should I just suck it up as just a harmless little thing that keeps him happy and make the effort once in a while?

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 17/10/2021 00:58

Lingerie you like under your clothes as you go about your daily life - not sexist.

Male-oriented-porn lingerie you put on just before you have sex - sexist.

user1481840227 · 17/10/2021 01:09

@AliceinBorderland
She doesn't need a strong argument. You're missing what I'm saying.

If she can't be arsed she can't be arsed.

When people can't be arsed they can either go one of 2 ways, just don't do the thing, or else do it from time to time because it will make their partner happy.

The point I'm making is that people in strong relationships who want to keep the relationship strong do tend to do the things they can't be arsed doing because they want to put a smile on their partners face or keep the spark alive etc.

M0rT · 17/10/2021 01:10

Is your lack of libido menopause driven or a sign of lack of interest in your partner?
I'm in chemical menopause so it's probably different but I still love my husband and want him to fancy me and have sex with me.
So in day to day life I wear very unsexy post surgery bras.
If I'm on a promise I put on the lingerie I know he likes.
I want to pretend we are still carefree and the important part of our life is our sex life.
I don't have much of a libido but I know I will enjoy it and be glad I made the effort.
If you don't feel like that then don't.

NiceGerbil · 17/10/2021 01:13

Well I mean it's up to you. Is it just lacy stuff bra n knickers. Or complicated stuff?

Does he do things when he can that are just for you?

And in general. And not to lecture op! Loads of women do this.

I've never really liked to truss myself up for sex. Did it when 16 a bit. Not since.

I've never met a bloke who wasn't perfectly happy with not doing this.
In general naked all round is sexiest!

There's also the undercurrent of.. like you're wrapping yourself up like a present for him?
Obv it's to do with the thing women + lingerie = sex which is pretty much everywhere.
Where is men's lingerie? Why don't we get a present to unwrap eh? That conjures up a million images of men in lingerie = sexy?
Not my cup of tea!

user1481840227 · 17/10/2021 01:15

@HeddaGarbled

Lingerie you like under your clothes as you go about your daily life - not sexist.

Male-oriented-porn lingerie you put on just before you have sex - sexist.

No it isn't!

Lots of women like 'porn lingerie' as you put it and they like it because it makes them feel sexy and it's not really for their partner at all, some women do like the effect that it has on their partner and there's nothing wrong with that either.

DameMaureen · 17/10/2021 02:02

@AliceinBorderland

I think the sexist nonsense is wearing uncomfortable underwear purely to please someone else.
Do no women get a kick then from wearing lingerie in MN world ?
sunnyzweibrucken · 17/10/2021 02:32

I hate lingerie, it’s awkward and uncomfortable and it’s tiring that it’s always the women that have to dress up for men. Men only have to pull their trousers down and get down to it. Luckily most of the men I’ve dated didnt care except one and he learned that I wasn’t going to wear it.

Springplanting · 17/10/2021 03:41

you could try a string vest in the red room to inject some humour in your sex life so you actually enjoy it and have a laugh.

LoekMa · 17/10/2021 04:20

People always post "leave him", like everyone has the option to do so. Maybe OP didnt wsnt to be too revealing in her post, but there must be a reason shes staying with him even if he is stressful snd she clearly can't be arsed with him. Some peoole need to back off. Telling someone to leave when they know they can't just makes the situation all the more painful

Metabigot · 17/10/2021 04:37

@NiceGerbil

Well I mean it's up to you. Is it just lacy stuff bra n knickers. Or complicated stuff?

Does he do things when he can that are just for you?

And in general. And not to lecture op! Loads of women do this.

I've never really liked to truss myself up for sex. Did it when 16 a bit. Not since.

I've never met a bloke who wasn't perfectly happy with not doing this.
In general naked all round is sexiest!

There's also the undercurrent of.. like you're wrapping yourself up like a present for him?
Obv it's to do with the thing women + lingerie = sex which is pretty much everywhere.
Where is men's lingerie? Why don't we get a present to unwrap eh? That conjures up a million images of men in lingerie = sexy?
Not my cup of tea!

Google elephant trunk pants... my husband has started wearing these and it's definitely like getting a present to unwrap!
CatonMat · 17/10/2021 05:08
Grin
SarahBellam · 17/10/2021 06:29

Depends what you mean by lingerie. A frilly bra and knickers? I’d be ok with that. A pleather corset, stockings and spike heels - nah, I wouldn’t be faffed with that either.

Whatliesbeneath707 · 17/10/2021 07:27

How does nice underwear make you feel OP? If it makes you feel better in yourself then try it. I do think there’s some value in looking at the HRT, as it not only affects the libido but our feelings about every day life too. Has your DH asked you to wear the lingerie? Are you close enough to have a frank chat with him about how you’re feeling right now? Are there things that you can both do for each other that you like? Maybe looking for this to be a two way thing might improve things, so that you feel you are benefiting from this too. I hope things improve for you OP.

Lovelydiscusfish · 17/10/2021 07:47

Lingerie for sex isn’t de facto sexist. I love wearing it because I love seeing myself in it - i’m probably more in to it than my fella is!

What would be sexist is a woman who didn’t like it feeling pressure/coercion to wear ot due to the myth that a man’s sexual needs are more important than hers…..

Original poster
Justcannotbearsed · 17/10/2021 07:50

I think I might head over to the menopause board. Getting a sex life back post menopause must be possible.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 17/10/2021 08:03

@Justcannotbearsed

I think I might head over to the menopause board. Getting a sex life back post menopause must be possible.
That would be the sensible thing to do. You should also talk to him about the changes you are going through. He might be experiencing things himself.

It’s important to maintain physical intimacy but that might mean new things as you get older.

Mumoblue · 17/10/2021 08:05

Maybe I’m just a big hairy man hater but I’ve never been keen on lingerie. I always felt ridiculous in it, and I’ve never required my male partners to put a lacy bow on their knob. 🤷‍♀️

gogohm · 17/10/2021 08:14

I'm so thankful after reading this thread that dp really isn't bothered. I have intermediate level lingerie (still comfortable enough to wear under a dress) that he really doesn't notice, he would rather it wasn't on! My only good set might currently be a bit tight Blush

RantyAunty · 17/10/2021 08:15

Agree with the hrt or whatever you need to feel better.

For lingerie, you can go with cheap and easy.

a couple of plasters with cartoons on sparkles on them for pasties and a g string.

a mesh fishnet mini dress and g string

For him, a mankini and bowtie

LemonTT · 17/10/2021 08:24

I think the OP is even less arsed to get into a discussion about the objectification of women and whether that applies to her marriage and sex life.

Smidge001 · 17/10/2021 08:36
Grin
Naunet · 17/10/2021 10:17

[quote user1481840227]@aliceinborderland, well most lingerie doesn't stay on for very long so it's not a very strong argument.

Sometimes women like men to wear uncomfortable stuff or put effort into sex too believe it or not, so it's not sexist![/quote]
Oh sure, there are loads of high street chains that cater to providing men with sexy, uncomfortable outfits for their partners pleasure aren’t there? Just can’t think of their names right now…..

EarthSight · 17/10/2021 11:40

Lingerie is a bit of an odd thing. They're not exactly robust pieces as a lot of it is transparent or has lace in it.

Plus, most of it is nylon, polyester or acrylic based - yuck. It's hardly going to feel nice or be something you can relax in. If he wants it that much, I think he needs to buy you some nice cotton or silk underwear.

EarthSight · 17/10/2021 11:45

Also, maybe he would like to wear a Mankini?

I was looking for pics on Google and found this 😂 -

www.google.com/search?ie=UTF-8&client=tablet-android-samsung-rev2&source=android-browser&q=mankini#imgrc=xI7KPPgI6Z8eJM

Doesn't look very breathable. Probably quite bad for men's privates, as is a lot of synthetic underwear which doesn't let your vulva breathe. Depends on how long you plan to wear such garments for though.

MintyGreenDream · 17/10/2021 11:45

Haven't worn lingerie since our Honeymoon 5yrs ago.Dh hasn't shown a preference for it and I'm not arsed