Can’t get her comment out of my mind? In your experience is this true?

[YesSavg]

A close friend said over dinner last night that I was ‘going to have to settle now as all the good ones are gone.’ She also said because I’m not in London don’t expect to find someone who matches my education/career/lifestyle etc.

It wasn’t said maliciously, sort of as if she was trying to help it’s made me feel so shit.

There are less eligible men online from what I can see (I’m 37 in June). I don’t live in London so when I’m swiping away I do tend to notice I have the more high flying job than most. Maybe there is truth in what she says? I won’t find anyone now who matches my lifestyle or is similarly single at this age.

I feel defeated and sad. I even considered moving to London when I got home last night but I don’t want to live there. I would be there to meet someone and that feels just as sad. I live in a village and work from home, going into cities a couple of times a week for work. I’ve travelled for dates and my ex lived in a city and we made that work. But her words have made me feel like there is no hope at all.

From my own experience and observations, in London, middle class, well educated men with good careers tend to settle down in their late thirties. I have heard that outside of London people tend to settle down earlier. I can well see how your dating pool may be smaller.

I'll be honest, it was hard dating in London mid 30s too. A lot of men with good jobs simply don't seem to settle down, or if they do it's much later. I wouldn't move there without actually meeting someone.

I love friends but sometimes they can be fucking unhelpful.

I mean, move there for the purposes of meeting someone. Lots of good reasons otherwise!

Hopefully you will find someone you love, who loves you back.
I’m not sure why education etc matters.
Just involve yourself in village life and see what happens.
Hopefully you are independent enough to not ‘need’ a man in your life. There are many people out there who settle for ‘someone’ rather than ‘the one’.

No I dont think that true.

Also you don't need one of the "good ones"

You need the one that's "good for you "

I don't think age makes a difference there. Those that settle just to be with someone end up in relationships that are far from ideal.

A certain amount t of negotiations are needed in relationships but its give and take on both sides.

My aunt was 41 before she found the one she married and had her daughter with.

Close friend 39 when she got together with her now dh they are still together 20 years on.

It can happen at any age imo

One of my best friends told me to settle and stop ‘being so arrogant - men aren’t perfect you’re not a good catch etc ‘ I married my abuser - never ever again

Rubbish! I know plenty of decent, eligible, successful single men, they just haven’t met the right person yet. They haven’t settled for second best. You just have to find that one right person for you OP. There’s a big world outside of London too, especially in this day and age when many are WFH.

You do you and do it with pride, you’ll meet the right person 😘

What nonsense, and being in London has nothing to do with it, I hate the idea some people have that the streets of London are still paved with gold (and eligible men!) - it’s a ridiculous and snobby comment!

I assume she lives there and somehow believes that makes her superior?

Obviously in a small village there are just less people in general but if you’re happy to travel to date someone there’s no reason you won’t meet someone if that’s what you want?

Equally, outlook and personality are more important in a relationship than having a similar job, you don’t have to earn the same to be compatible.

If you really live in a rural place (my suburban house is in a ‘village’ but 20 mins car to Manchester) then yes she’s right.
You don’t have to go as far as London though. Any big city Birmingham, Liverpool Manchester will have high fliers.

Also London has more eligible men who are older (because a lot are career focused) but the competition for them is tough too.

Have you considered using a matchmaker?

Let me guess - this friend has been in a relationship for approximately a million years and has no clue what it's actually like to be single?

I don't and have never dated through choice, but it stands to reason that there will be some lovely men out there in a similar position to you.

And London is not the epicentre of the universe, good and high flying people exist outside of it!

Please don't let her comment get to you OP, I'm sure she thought she was being helpful but she wasn't basing anything she said on fact.

Why do you have to have someone who matches your lifestyle? Isn't it all about personalities, not possessions? Spread your net a bit wider, yesSavg

Being single is fine , settling down just for the sake of it is not all it's cracked up to be.

nd London is a very lonely city if you don't already know anyone, it's probably the same in any big city.

Don’t listen to your friend. People end up single for all sorts of reasons in all sorts of areas with all kinds of backgrounds etc. I think it’s more important to be open minded and not limit yourself to people of a certain age / educational background etc as you just never know who you are going to click with. It’s important to get out and meet people for a coffee and just see if there’s a spark.

I met my dh online. We’ve been together 15 years.

Also to add OP the way to go about this is (sorry to say)- be open to meeting someone but also prepare to enjoy life alone.
So many posters saying ‘you’ll meet the right person’ eventually blah2 and . that’s simply not true and annoyed the hell out of me when I was single.

Love is one of those things that’s a game of chance some people run into their partner with no effort, some look and look and find zilch. Individual stories are of no use here. It’s just probabilities.
Good luck

I find it’s the opposite and all the hot successful men are out in the countryside!
I’m 41 so looking around this age and men my age seem to be drawn to outdoor sports and adventure, as am I, oh and festivals seems to be another breeding ground

I don't think this is true either.

I am not in London, but many of my long term friends are and are trying to date there. Their stories make the dating scene down there seem brutal. I think the sweet shop mentality is so much worse because the choice seems infinite. The dating pace is definitely less intense in my large town. And I have now found an excellent chap, whereas they have become obsessed with finding someone who meets a long list of daft criteria and "the next one might be better"

I live happily in London (and met my husband mid 20s and he has a professional job so it’s not always true that professional men wait to settle down). But don’t move here just to meet a man! I doubt it’s any easier here than anywhere else and if you’re happy in other ways where you are then stay there :) Or if you fancy London there is certainly plenty to do and see!

I’m sure your friend meant well but I don’t think her comment was helpful.

Keep up with online dating. Make sure you’re ‘getting out there’ with activities and hobbies and friends. Make a good life for yourself whether you meet ‘the one’ or not.

There will be an element of truth yes. At 25 fewer people will have partnered for life than at 30, 35 or 40, although you may well have some divorcees coming back into circulation.

Where you live can also have an impact, in London, or any big city there are a lot more educated professionals than in small provincial towns. That means if you want a similarly educated and/or earning partner it may well be easier in a city than a small town.

You will have to compromise, but we all do, if you want someone who is 6ft 4in tall, muscular, beautiful face with a full head of hair, intelligent, funny, hard working and successful then it is a lot less likely that they will be single at 40 than 25, so you might well have to compromise, they might only be 5ft 11in, not having a degree but still very clever etc. It does not mean you have to marry a short, angry hobbit with no teeth who doesn't work and thinks The Sun is high brow. It also does not mean you will not love them with all your heart. People are people, but when you start dating you don't know them, so you only have a list of criteria against which they may or may not match.

I would also say as well as online dating get out in the real world and meet people, clubs with shared interests, nights out etc. That way you are meeting people, not criteria.

@Nearlymyturn

Rubbish! I know plenty of decent, eligible, successful single men, they just haven’t met the right person yet. They haven’t settled for second best. You just have to find that one right person for you OP. There’s a big world outside of London too, especially in this day and age when many are WFH.

You do you and do it with pride, you’ll meet the right person 😘

Yes I would add my son into this equation, he's mid thirties and I'm not sure if he is dating, certainly not enough to introduce to Mum. His career has been very intense the last few years and he's just bought a house, .

The only difference is there is no urgency for men if the want children

A true friend would never advise you to settle.

People say all sorts of rubbish. I was once told that I should find a guy who was way older because nobody my own age would want me because I was chronically ill 😨 that was like a kick to the stomach at the time. There's only a year between myself and my dp and he doesn't bat an eyelid at my illnesses. I never thought I'd meet the right one and comments like above didn't help.

@Butterflyfern

I don't think this is true either.

I am not in London, but many of my long term friends are and are trying to date there. Their stories make the dating scene down there seem brutal. I think the sweet shop mentality is so much worse because the choice seems infinite. The dating pace is definitely less intense in my large town. And I have now found an excellent chap, whereas they have become obsessed with finding someone who meets a long list of daft criteria and "the next one might be better"

100% this. I had no luck in London men were flakes. Met loads of quality men online in Manc , professionals, and then met my DP where I work. But I still had lots of options. Come to Manchester Op, it’s where the actions is at 🙂

Also there are things like singles events/meet-ups that are better than online dating. Even organised by age group.
Don’t lose hope but come up with a strategy

@romdowa

People say all sorts of rubbish. I was once told that I should find a guy who was way older because nobody my own age would want me because I was chronically ill 😨 that was like a kick to the stomach at the time. There's only a year between myself and my dp and he doesn't bat an eyelid at my illnesses. I never thought I'd meet the right one and comments like above didn't help.

That’s horrible! If anyone has said that to you in front of me I’d have given them a right telling off.

Another one here wondering why matching lifestyle is so important. I get that you may want to do expensive things together, but you are then significantly narrowing down the pool of 'good ones'.

DH is a high flyer. I'm a TA. On paper we're vastly different. And yes, I have a lifestyle that financially I couldn't do on my own wage. But we're very happy together and I contribute to our relationship in other ways.