Can’t get her comment out of my mind? In your experience is this true?

[YesSavg]

A close friend said over dinner last night that I was ‘going to have to settle now as all the good ones are gone.’ She also said because I’m not in London don’t expect to find someone who matches my education/career/lifestyle etc.

It wasn’t said maliciously, sort of as if she was trying to help it’s made me feel so shit.

There are less eligible men online from what I can see (I’m 37 in June). I don’t live in London so when I’m swiping away I do tend to notice I have the more high flying job than most. Maybe there is truth in what she says? I won’t find anyone now who matches my lifestyle or is similarly single at this age.

I feel defeated and sad. I even considered moving to London when I got home last night but I don’t want to live there. I would be there to meet someone and that feels just as sad. I live in a village and work from home, going into cities a couple of times a week for work. I’ve travelled for dates and my ex lived in a city and we made that work. But her words have made me feel like there is no hope at all.

Don't forget we've all been locked up for the pandemic, so the opportunities of meeting someone have been severely curtailed of late and things still are'nt really back to normal. Hopefully this means a lot of people have pent up energy - and will make an effort to get out there and meet new people.

Also, your friend hasn't researched this, so she doesn't really know what she's talking about it's just her opinion and not a very helpful one at that.

Go out, get involved in things outside the home, explore things that are important to YOU, and you will meet people and who knows what will happen. Don't let the friend's patronising comment discourage you.

Actually, your dating pool is larger than most as you don't need someone who is a high flyer career wise. You need someone who is supportive of your career and who understands the concept of hard work for success.

A household with two career high flyers often needs a third party for logistics and home management, or someone ends up doing 2 jobs and becoming resentful.

Your friend is just spouting meaningless tripe, ignore her. Focus on building a happy life whether single or coupled up.

This also made me wonder what would happen if a 37 year old man came on here and said that at his age, all the good women are gone, and he will have to 'settle'...

That's not how it works. Plenty of frogs get snapped up early on along with the princes. Plenty of women settle in their twenties, they decide to marry the first man who asks in case a better one doesn't come along.

But the men you meet from mid 30's on are more likely to have baggage. It doesn't necessarily have to be a negative though. I know I'm much less of a twat now than I was a decade ago.

I know several single men in their 30s/40s. I have a male friend who is 38, single, mid 6 figure salary, good looking, kind, generous. But his dress sense is terrible and he has an uncool hobby. To become highly desirable all he'd have to do is put on a suit and talk about his career and not about something-crested warblers. But he doesn't, so he's written off the first time he meets someone.

My mum told me not to marry a man I thought I could live with, but to marry the man I thought I couldn't live without. I wish I'd listened before I married my first husband.

I waited years to find my DH - we met when I was 41 and have been together 22 years. I had married my mistake when I was 29 and dumped him when I was 33. Best decision of my 30's.

My DH is now disabled through stroke. If he dies before me (and I hope he does, so that he never has to go into care - I want to look after him and love him until he passes), then I will not bother with another relationship.

I know a few good men, but they are happily married. I'd rather be alone than with the wrong one - I said that after my first and I was alone for 8 years - very happily.

@Musttryharder2021

Yes. And it wasn’t easy. IVF with own eggs, some had to move to donor eggs. Some used a surrogate. Some had to go abroad as U.K. regulations are so difficult. The ones in the US had a bit of an easier time.
Some had to make peace with not having kids.

Unfortunately it doesn’t always work out in the end. And making compromises is part of life. Sometimes it means ‘settling’ in some shape or form. But I think it is because we were raised to believe that we can have it all (whichever ‘all’ we choose to want in our lives)- and it’s not always possible.

It doesn’t always work to both have a fulfilling life and career, be mature and financially ready for a commitment and having a child - which for professional women happens in their mid 30s approximately

• AND - meet that partner who will fulfil us completely, who is similarly ready and in the right place in his life - all in the space of a few years of our fertility left….

Sorry OP.

Your friend is wrong on so many levels its hard to know where to start. I got comments like this when I was in my 30s and its such bollocks.

Just to get started:

a) "elibigility" is absolutely no criteria for choosing a life partner. It's a fast road to choosing an arsehole. Does she think she's living in a Jane Austen novel?
b) the idea that all men are magically "sold off" by a certain age completely ignores the fact that a lot of them choose not to settle, a fair amount get divorced or separate or have their partners die. Being settled is not a "static" thing. Relationship statuses change and shift.
c) Lonon is not some special magical destination where unicorns and rich men frolic
d) Even if it were, you can't just up sticks and go running there just to look for a mythical "eligible" man
e) perhaps the most important point of all: if you have this mindset you are conditioning yourself to "settle" for someone who doesn't make you happy just so you can say you're in a relationship. Which is just a disastrous idea -- it will be a magnet for arseholes and will destroy your self esteem. Far better to be single than to rush to find a partner just for the sake of it.

Your friend sounds like an idiot to be honest and I would immediately disregard everything else she ever said.

[quote MMmomDD]@Musttryharder2021

Yes. And it wasn’t easy. IVF with own eggs, some had to move to donor eggs. Some used a surrogate. Some had to go abroad as U.K. regulations are so difficult. The ones in the US had a bit of an easier time.
Some had to make peace with not having kids.

Unfortunately it doesn’t always work out in the end. And making compromises is part of life. Sometimes it means ‘settling’ in some shape or form. But I think it is because we were raised to believe that we can have it all (whichever ‘all’ we choose to want in our lives)- and it’s not always possible.

It doesn’t always work to both have a fulfilling life and career, be mature and financially ready for a commitment and having a child - which for professional women happens in their mid 30s approximately

• AND - meet that partner who will fulfil us completely, who is similarly ready and in the right place in his life - all in the space of a few years of our fertility left….

Sorry OP.[/quote]
Thank you for your reply @MMmomDD

I'm pregnant via IVF (own eggs using a sperm donor) so I totally understand. You're right, there's a level of 'compromise' and it all depends which area of life you're prepared to do that in - I wanted a family/child more than a partner and have been able to separate these two entities, some people can't. We don't get 'all' that well most of us anyway.

@Musttryharder2021

So happy for you!!! So many women are afraid to go that way and hang on to the idea - must meet the One, family only compete with two parents … Then end up without that perfect partner and too late to have kids.

For people who know they want children, waiting for perfect match only works until a certain age. Then you either have kids with someone Ok enough, or on your own.
You may or may not stay together ‘forever’ but neither are the people who married their ‘Ones’. But at least you will have a child.

And - my friends that went solo have great kids now. Kids are loved and well adjusted. Helps if there is an extended family, but if not - a good circle of friends is great too.

@MMmomDD

Really like your response - very well put and succinct. I'm glad it all worked out well for your friends, very encouraging to hear! Thank you

Ignore you're friend.
Obviously the older you get the less people in the dating pool but every day there is people joining it (and others leaving it) so it's very fluid.

If you're looking to meet someone who matches your job and your lifestyle then a dating agency may be best.

Are you being slightly judgemental on the job front?
Is it that you think their earnings are not enough or their job is beneath you?

A household with two career high flyers often needs a third party for logistics and home management

Do you live in Blenheim Palace? I love how on Mumsnet 'running the household' is made out to be similar to running some FTSE 100 company.

Marrying someone for their “prospects” or “position” is very Jane Austen. My DH is my best friend, my lover and my biggest supporter. I’ve never been comfortable with the whole “keeping up with” crowd so went with love and compatibility. DH encouraged me to do so much more with my career than I had ever planned and supported me throughout. I haven’t enjoyed the superficial trappings of a double professional life but I have enjoyed a happy marriage and looking forward to retirement with DH.
I have plenty of friends who have married well and then sacrificed their career only to face divorce, a radical downsize and re-entering work market.
DH & I just reversed the traditional roles. It worked for us.

@Angrymum22

Marrying someone for their “prospects” or “position” is very Jane Austen. My DH is my best friend, my lover and my biggest supporter. I’ve never been comfortable with the whole “keeping up with” crowd so went with love and compatibility. DH encouraged me to do so much more with my career than I had ever planned and supported me throughout. I haven’t enjoyed the superficial trappings of a double professional life but I have enjoyed a happy marriage and looking forward to retirement with DH. I have plenty of friends who have married well and then sacrificed their career only to face divorce, a radical downsize and re-entering work market. DH & I just reversed the traditional roles. It worked for us.

That's great but for women who are in their 30s the partners that come on to their life have missed out on at least 15 years of encouragement, support etc. The dynamics are just different what you're going to support each other in. Most adults in their mid 30s will have sorted their careers out/housing and don't necessarily need that level of encouragement.

Of course love and compatibility is lovely ...but at 37 and the decline of fertility (yes this is a fact despite what MN would lead women to believe, check the info on the NHS website) your priorities change, so maybe falling in love for 10/15 years before they have children is not possible.

If she's fortunate enough to meet someone really quickly, fall in 'love', cohabit (pass the test, check), marriage (check), conceives on the first go.. There's a lot that needs to align and there's no room for errors. Very pressurised situation to be in. Assuming of course this nebulous fictional partner wants these things at the same pace. It's like winning the lottery!

She’s not a good friend if she would be happy to see you ‘settle’ for anyone just for the sake of being in a relationship.
In the years leading up to meeting DH, I was (happily) single for about 5 years, after getting out of an abusive relationship. I found it really irritating when people would try to push me towards dating men that I wasn’t interested in just because they didn’t want me to be alone. Glad I waited and didn’t settle as DH came along and it just felt right instantly, I always think that I would have missed out on what we now have had I settled for someone else before he came along.

@NeverTheHootenanny

She’s not a good friend if she would be happy to see you ‘settle’ for anyone just for the sake of being in a relationship. In the years leading up to meeting DH, I was (happily) single for about 5 years, after getting out of an abusive relationship. I found it really irritating when people would try to push me towards dating men that I wasn’t interested in just because they didn’t want me to be alone. Glad I waited and didn’t settle as DH came along and it just felt right instantly, I always think that I would have missed out on what we now have had I settled for someone else before he came along.

How long should a woman 'wait' for though before her fertility truly declines...I mean a woman will simply cease to be able to conceive and this varies from woman to woman...it's all well and good waiting when you are 30/31...but at 37?

Is the problem perhaps that she had a very strict list of what she was looking for? And now she's realising thats not going to work and she's going to have to open her mind a bit?

No one should have to 'settle' but it is true that having a really specific set of criteria for a partner is going to hold you back from finding love.

Shes wrong about 'all the good ones being gone' im betting she just had some very unrealistic ideals about what a relationship would be like tho

Maybe you could go after her bloke? I bet he’s completely sick of her and would happily start again with someone less jaded and thoughtless.

@Twobirdsinatree

Is the problem perhaps that she had a very strict list of what she was looking for? And now she's realising thats not going to work and she's going to have to open her mind a bit?

No one should have to 'settle' but it is true that having a really specific set of criteria for a partner is going to hold you back from finding love.

Shes wrong about 'all the good ones being gone' im betting she just had some very unrealistic ideals about what a relationship would be like tho

Is wanting children/marriage (within a specific time frame) deemed to be part of a very strict criteria @Twobirdsinatree

I think you have to be prepared to marry someone who has been married and divorced young, which is not the same as settling at all!

Wow!

Take the high ground. You would never talk to a friend like that.
If she had said, 'you need to widen your dating pool' or 'we need to see and be seen in some new places', well fair enough. Sensible advice.

How long should a woman 'wait' for though before her fertility truly declines...I mean a woman will simply cease to be able to conceive and this varies from woman to woman...it's all well and good waiting when you are 30/31...but at 37?

No good can come from marrying and having children with someone you aren’t that into. Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.

@Musttryharder2021

I think it could be... but it depends whether that's really your priority or not. Thats a decision no one else can make for you.
But it is true that life sometimes doesn't pan out how you thought it would and if having a loving g relationship is very important to you but you've got this specific time frame for marriage and children in mind it may well be holding you back from a loving relationship. However if marriage and children are more important to you than romantic love and passion then thats a valid choice to make to settle for someone you arent that romantically interested in (as long as you are both on the same page and make a good team)
I'm saying sometimes you can't have absolutely everything you imagined your life would look like when you were young.
I mean sometimes it does pan out that way but sometimes it doesnt.

I'm not judging anyones choices I just think maybe what the ops friends problem was was that her high expectations haven't been met so now she thinks everyone has to 'settle' in some way. But thats just her way of looking at it.
I mean my marriage isn't the type of thing idve said I was looking for if I'd had to fill out a form about my exact wishes before hand... but im very very happy I don't feel like I've 'settled' for anything at all.

I think it works that way for a lot of people you don't always find happiness in the way you expect to but its still out there for you!