Can’t get her comment out of my mind? In your experience is this true?

[YesSavg]

A close friend said over dinner last night that I was ‘going to have to settle now as all the good ones are gone.’ She also said because I’m not in London don’t expect to find someone who matches my education/career/lifestyle etc.

It wasn’t said maliciously, sort of as if she was trying to help it’s made me feel so shit.

There are less eligible men online from what I can see (I’m 37 in June). I don’t live in London so when I’m swiping away I do tend to notice I have the more high flying job than most. Maybe there is truth in what she says? I won’t find anyone now who matches my lifestyle or is similarly single at this age.

I feel defeated and sad. I even considered moving to London when I got home last night but I don’t want to live there. I would be there to meet someone and that feels just as sad. I live in a village and work from home, going into cities a couple of times a week for work. I’ve travelled for dates and my ex lived in a city and we made that work. But her words have made me feel like there is no hope at all.

If you go to cities regularly for work then just meet someone from there? X

Your friend has delivered her message quite rudely, and I'd question whether she was actually a true friend, as nobody who wants the best for you (and for you to feel good about yourself), would have said something so bluntly.

If you would like to get married and have DC, your friend could have given you some more helpful suggestions, which is what I would expect if someone close to you. What would have been more constructive would have been to suggest ways in which you could widen the pool of people you interact with. As you live in a village and work from home, she could have suggested local groups that you might be interested in, or activities further afield where you can meet different people.

It's awful that she made you feel bad about yourself, perhaps give the friendship some distance, as she's obviously in a bad mood about something, quite likely nothing to do with you.

I met my partner a week before I turned 37. He lived a 5 minute walk from where I lived! If I'd have 'settled' or moved to London I would have missed out on the best person ever.

I don't know any single men in their 30s . They might not be married but they're not single.

I know plenty of divorced men in their 40s though.

Do you insist all your friends have similar education and careers? If so you're missing out on a whole wide world and likely to become very narrow minded. Different is good.

@Angrymum22

Marrying someone for their “prospects” or “position” is very Jane Austen. My DH is my best friend, my lover and my biggest supporter. I’ve never been comfortable with the whole “keeping up with” crowd so went with love and compatibility. DH encouraged me to do so much more with my career than I had ever planned and supported me throughout. I haven’t enjoyed the superficial trappings of a double professional life but I have enjoyed a happy marriage and looking forward to retirement with DH. I have plenty of friends who have married well and then sacrificed their career only to face divorce, a radical downsize and re-entering work market. DH & I just reversed the traditional roles. It worked for us.

A man taking on the role of SAHP in order to support his wife's burgeoning career is different one having no prospects after 10+ years of working life.

I don't think it's entirely wrong to think chances are better in London. After all, there are many, many more men, and far more who are likely to be single in their late thirties. That doesn't mean it's impossible to find someone elsewhere. London often creates the 'kid in a sweet shop' mentality where there are too many choices. Unfortunately a lot of quality late thirties men do date women who are up to a decade younger, so there's a lot of competition there too.

I do live in London and I think it might be better for meeting people in general, just because of the sheer numbers? All my friends in my northern hometown are married with kids now. If I had stayed there I'd struggle to find people to do things with. Here I can be out every night of the week if I want to, meeting friends or going to Meetups.

I was told I'd have to settle by so many people but I was happy to be single and knew that ultimately I would be ok if I never met someone.

If you are swiping, have you thought of paying for a better dating service?

I think your friend is very rude. Don't settle as if you did, the right person would pass you by as they would think you were happy with the one you settled with. Some people I know who settled have unhappy relationships but won't admit it or leave. Going to places with like minded people gives you a better chance. Someone on here mentioned that people have not gone back to things like they did when attending things before the pandemic so it may take a while to get back to normal.

Also regarding 'settling'. I'm pretty sure my ex husband settled for me and being the settled for person can be really horrible and I would urge anyone not to do that to someone.

I always had in mind that I would rather be single than "settle" for less than I wanted or deserved. Ignore your friend, build up your self-respect.

Opening your mind to the possibility that "the one" might have different background/education/career prospects isn't settling though.

The only "settling" you apparently have done in life was picking rude friends!

I think your friend has escaped from the pages of a Jane Austen novel, OP. A ‘good’ man is someone right for you, not ‘eligible’.

The thing is, you only need one. Maybe he'll be younger, older, different from what you're thinking of. There's no guarantees, sure, but there's good chances if you say yes to everything and seize opportunities.

The reality is that people are constantly coming in and out of relationships. Good men and bad men come in and out of relationships all the time, just as Good women and bad women come in and out of relationships all the time. 50% of people get divorced ffs, not to mention all the relationship breakdowns where the couple isn't married.

Posters talking about men being "settled" or met their "life partner". LOL! Nothing is "forever" in 2021!

I think the fact that your friend said that says a lot about what's going on in her head. Maybe she is feeling insecure in her relationship? Maybe she feels like she has settled. Maybe she is terrified her partner will leave her.

If she says something like this to you again, calmly explain that it's not helpful, you need some support etc.

On a side note, if it's kids you're worried about (you don't mention, and I mean this very gently) you could consider going down the donor route.

I don't think anyone should 'settle', per se'. Settling to me means taking someone who doesn't fit the bill but is 'tolerable'. No one should do that.

But I do think the older one gets there may be a need to reevaluate one's 'parameters' to be sure they're really reflective of who one is now and the potential 'dating pool'. At a younger age I felt that a man had to be certain things, but when I was older I found that some of those things were no longer as important to me or that things I hadn't considered before meant something to me then. DH certainly wouldn't have been who I was looking for when I was early 20's, but we met when I was a bit older and my 'requirements' had changed because I had matured enough to realize that we all have flaws.

My niece is in this position. Her 'dating pool' has shrunk since it seems a lot of men in her chosen age range seem to be married or are single dads (something she's not interested in dealing with). She's having a real hard time finding 'nice guys' online.

I worded that last badly. I wasn't suggesting that DN consider married men. Just that a lot of men have been removed from her dating pool and that a lot of the available men have children and she's not interested in becoming a stepparent.