Can’t get her comment out of my mind? In your experience is this true?

[YesSavg]

A close friend said over dinner last night that I was ‘going to have to settle now as all the good ones are gone.’ She also said because I’m not in London don’t expect to find someone who matches my education/career/lifestyle etc.

It wasn’t said maliciously, sort of as if she was trying to help it’s made me feel so shit.

There are less eligible men online from what I can see (I’m 37 in June). I don’t live in London so when I’m swiping away I do tend to notice I have the more high flying job than most. Maybe there is truth in what she says? I won’t find anyone now who matches my lifestyle or is similarly single at this age.

I feel defeated and sad. I even considered moving to London when I got home last night but I don’t want to live there. I would be there to meet someone and that feels just as sad. I live in a village and work from home, going into cities a couple of times a week for work. I’ve travelled for dates and my ex lived in a city and we made that work. But her words have made me feel like there is no hope at all.

as all the good ones are gone

Wow, she curstes a list of all the age appropriate single and attached men in the world (or even just the UK) .... is she the Mrs Claus of dating & relationships?!

Does she have elf helpers in her mammoth, ongoing record keeping or dies she not need sleep?

I think her main point was my age. Which is a fair point I guess. Nearly all my friends, bar one, is settled down. It’s so lonely/scary.

This thread has confirmed I don’t need to move to London though which has made me feel better !!

@RhubarbFairy

Another one here wondering why matching lifestyle is so important. I get that you may want to do expensive things together, but you are then significantly narrowing down the pool of 'good ones'.

DH is a high flyer. I'm a TA. On paper we're vastly different. And yes, I have a lifestyle that financially I couldn't do on my own wage. But we're very happy together and I contribute to our relationship in other ways.

Yeah, as long as they contribute, are fiscally sensible, have a work ethic etc. - decency and reliability and getting on well is v important.

Besides some men who don't have as high salaries as women I know, brought assets into the relationship in other ways eg they're from farming background abd were gifted site for house so entire mortgage could go on just the build, or they have practical, skilled jobs that mean they can do "homers" as abdcwheb they want to to earn extra money on the side.

But commitment, reliability, honesty, decency etc are working way more than a certain salary discrepancy.

Everyone around us was quite shocked at the person's comments. I don't think they knew what to say. I had just been dumped as well and I was gutted 😢🤣 looking back she was just a nasty cow who wanted to get the boot in . Some people can't help themselves.

I think they may be less likely to use dating apps away front the big cities but I may be wrong. I always meet lots of single men in the outdoor activities I do! Kayaking, walking etc. maybe try that?

@YesSavg

I think her main point was my age. Which is a fair point I guess. Nearly all my friends, bar one, is settled down. It’s so lonely/scary.

This thread has confirmed I don’t need to move to London though which has made me feel better !!

Some people are early settlers, some are not.

Men & women.

You're not "old".

You need to keep expanding and changing your activities, hobbies etc etc to keep meeting new people. As someone said men tend to do sports, outdoor stuff, gigs etc. Also while they can be a shit show, I do know people who've met their partner through one dating sites so it's worth keeping af them (with a very thick skin).

Is settling down with a man really something you want or do you feel pressured by society?

Settling down without a man or not settling down at all both seem appealing to me.

She’s just perpetuating the idea that at a certain age you need to settle and also this notion that the ‘good ones’ are all married by now. Honestly it’s not true - i’ve noticed in any decade there is a mix of lovely people and not so lovely - plenty of people may have been married when younger and now are single again, and some have never married for whatever reason.

It’s also worth thinking more about the values and traits of the person you want to be with rather than a more rigid list of things. When you mention someone who matches your lifestyle it’s worth really digging into what you mean by that. Is it job based, education based, interest based, financials etc - and what qualities do each of those things represent to you? That way you may for example like the idea of someone with a high flying career because you admire the qualities of being driven and ambitious, and realise you may find those qualities in a broader range of life circumstances than you first thought.

I met my now husband through internet dating and a chunk of serendipity when I was 37. Both living in Birmingham. If we’d met earlier it wouldn’t have worked, we were just both in the right place physically and emotionally.

I did have to really push myself back into internet dating though by telling myself that they can’t ALL be twats. And to be fair the men I met all seemed nice and normal (I filtered out anyone that seemed ‘off’) just not for me, except the one that was.

I’d be wary of joining lots of outdoorsy / sports type groups to meet men unless you actually genuinely like that sort of stuff! Otherwise you’ll end up giving a false impression of yourself and really you want to meet someone who likes you for you. Easier said than done if your main hobby is watching Squid Game / Sex education on repeat and eating maltesers (or whatever) but there’s no point trying to be someone you’re not.

One of the things I liked about dhs profile was that he said he liked to sit in Costa and “people watch” and that was perfect to me, as I love to do that too. He wasn’t into sports - tick- and could string a good sentence together and didn’t seem weird. That was a good starting point. He had things about him that others here probably wouldn’t have liked - he was back living with his mum on her sofa after dropping out of university as a mature student (lots of reasons) and he couldn’t drive - we lived 25 miles away from each other rurally so I did all the driving. But we are a great match, coming up to our tenth wedding anniversary now. I was divorced with a 5 year old dd when I met him.

I live in London. My two best friends are early 30s, genuinely beautiful and intelligent and have successful professional careers. They have been single for years and really struggling to meet someone.

So I wouldn’t move to London in the hope you’ll meet a man.

I used to think that people who don't have professions or didn't go to uni wouldn't share the same interests and you wouldn't want to marry one, you wouldn't be on the same inellectual level. But I now believe that not everyone wants that law degree or a BMW and that many or even most people not in 'high flying' professions are often more intelligent/sensible/ able to make a success of life/ able to make good living than the so called 'successful' ones. So spread your net.

What utter rubbish. I didn’t meet my husband until my 30s. He was nearly 40 and had not been married before either. My friends settled earlier and as far as I can see they’re always moaning about their DHs. I’d have rather been alone that settled for a man who wasn’t right.

I had a child young so didn’t really date during my 20s at all. My mother used to say: “You’re waiting for Jesus and he’s not coming back. You just need to pick one.” 😂 She was so wrong.

Seriously, the moment you make peace with being alone and actually begin to enjoy it by throwing yourself into living your best life for you, you’ll become the most attractive prospect for miles... which granted might not help in a village, but you’ll be out and about doing things you enjoy for fun so someone worth your time will find you.

Would you re-think your high flying professional type? I’m a high flyer in the city and, don’t know why, but it never bothered me what kind of job my partner had. As long as they were ambitious in their own field and not lazy. I went out with two millionaires who were awful people ! My dh is a blue collar worker. He renovated his own property and sold it for about 4x I had in savings ( not that I realised any of this dating him) he’s now a sahp while I push ahead in my career. He’s absolutely wonderful! If I’d filtered on earnings or wanted a lawyer etc I’d never have found him. He also has a lot more common sense then me 😆

I don’t know that it’s about settling as such, but must admit I don’t know any decent late 30s men who aren’t already married, already divorced with kids or gay.

I think sometimes it is hard work being single.

Doing things for yourself entirely, managing your emotions. Maintaining friendships etc.

But it is also hard work, perhaps even harder being in a partnership or marriage.

You are still young, and I would enjoy being single while it lasts.

Plenty of people get married 'settle down' and then get divorced later in life. Sometimes much later.

Nothing is a guarantee in life. This was a hearless thing for your so-called 'friend' to say.

Why can't she just support you in your search for the right person, maek the right noises if it goes pear shaped etc.

Why do you think your friend is the purveyor of some higher truth? She doesn't have access to some secret knowledge, nor can she foresee the future.

Ignore. Obviously, being in your 30s, more "good" men are already attached but there will be many who won't be or have split up from their long term partners.

It would be beyond foolish to move somewhere you don't want to on the off chance. Much better to be happy in your life and take an optimistic view about the possibilities of meeting someone. Yes, you need to make opportunities for this to happen and these must suit you and fit into the life you have.

You are only affected by the comment your friend made as you fear it is true. No one knows whether YOU will meet anyone right for you, but clearly others do and will, so it could happen. My cousin met her husband in her 40s and married in her early 50s. She didn't have a significant relationship prior to that.

OP, I'm watching my friends in their 30s and 40s working hard at meeting plenty of people in order to maximise the chances of meeting someone who'll suit them. In the past many people used to meet partners through work and social activities — so if you're WFH all day in a smallish village that's not going to do the trick.

My friends do things like join groups that do activities they're interested in — so they belong to walking groups, kayaking groups, groups centred on history or arty, cultural things. They go on Explore-type holidays, or cultural holidays and build up big social circles that they work hard at. Several of them have met decent men in that way.

One of our mates joined the local Parish council, which was pretty boring, but met people from her community who invited her to other events and through them she was introduced to someone's son, who's a hill-walker and she joined him on a few walks and met one of the other walkers and married him this summer. As she says, if she hadn't joined the boring old Parish council she'd probably not be married now. I think women are hugely disadvantaged by internet dating. If I found myself on my own again, this is the path I'd take. I'd be brave, force myself to be sociable and get out there and be busy with life and new people.

Any hobbies Op?

I've met past boyfriends through dog walking & swimming.

Husband I met when he reached something down in a supermarket for me

@YesSavg
It depends on what you want, OP.
If it is to just eventually meet someone, then what your friend said is less true.
If it is to meet that someone who matches your education, lifestyle, career, etc AND have children too - then your friend unfortunately has a point.

We all know the scientific side of how it works. At 37 there is only a few years of fertility left. In your place I’d consider freezing some eggs so that you have more time and don’t have to compose as much.

I am older than you. Educated, had a professional career, etc. It’s tough for women like that because we tend not to go ‘down’ when dating. Plenty of my male colleagues were happily dating women with a lot less education and ambition. For them, it worked as they’d get a partner who could be around and take care of the house, and eventually kids. My female colleagues wanted an intellectual equal who they didn’t need to carry. It was not easy even living in a big city and working in the office with men who were all ‘eligible’. And not all ‘eligible’ men wanted a career focused woman.
So a few of my friends did struggle. And ended up having kids on their own.
The age you are in is the toughest to date if you also want to have a child. Because you need to go from 0 to a 100 in a very short time.

So - you friend is not being nasty necessarily. Living rurally does significantly reduce your dating pool. And can make it all harder.
But moving to London doesn’t may not make any difference anyway. Getting more out there - to where the kind of men you are looking for hang out - can increase your chances a lot more. Hobbies, sport clubs, etc. - can help

I met my OH through an app at 36. So pleased I didn’t settle because he’s my equal. Not in London either.

She’s just pushing her fears onto you. You’re fine! Plenty of time x

Ah this whole thing about dating ‘down’ if someone doesn’t have the same educational level etc is pretty narrow minded. I’ve dated men who were less educated than me but were clever, engaged, interested in the world and learning and able to hold deep, philosophical and interesting conversations. I’ve also met others who were as educated or more highly than me and were interested in very little outside their narrow field or simply didn’t want to have engaging and deeper conversations.

Education is not always an indication of intellectual and conversational compatibility.

"Individual stories are of no use here. It’s just probabilities." @TractorAndHeadphones

This is true. I was 36 when I got spat out on to the world of internet dating and it was dreadful. I'd gone on dates with anyone I liked the sound of but as I was desperate for a child I was only seeing the dates trough the lens of what they could do for me ie. give me a child.

Some women do settle, would never admit it of course because it's embarrassing, others are fortunate enough to meet someone they genuinely like and want to date.

I've since gone on to to pursue solo parenting via a sperm donor so I'm not looking to date for a little while...

What are you looking for? Marriage/children and someone to settle down with?

No I know people who have met their partner in their 40s or 50s... definitely good ones! I don't know about London though.

"So a few of my friends did struggle. And ended up having kids on their own.
The age you are in is the toughest to date if you also want to have a child. Because you need to go from 0 to a 100 in a very short time."

@MMmomDD

Did your friends go down the solo parenting route out of interest?
You're right it's the worst age group to be in of wanting children.