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Original poster

Non-contact MIL and birthday card

82 replies

StonedRoses · 15/10/2021 16:22

My DW is nc with her mother and entire family. I don’t fully understand it, or maybe even agree with it, but of course I respect her and haven’t had any contact with her parents (occasional text to her sister to ensure them we are ok).
Today her mother has text me to say a birthday card is on its way to our son and it’s recorded delivery because there’s money in

I really don’t know what the ‘right’ thing to do is. If my wife knows about it she’ll be very upset and distressed. But it seems wrong hiding it from them all. Do I try and keep a lookout for the postman and intercept it? Do I make an excuse to get them out the house? Does my son (11) have a right to see cards addressed to him? I have a drawer fill of Christmas and birthday cards and letters I keep hidden in case one day it is appropriate to give them to him or when he’s an adult

I have no idea what to do in this case

OP posts:
SummerBluez · 15/10/2021 16:23

Respect your wife's decision and stop engaging in sneaky contact? Hmm

Kitfish · 15/10/2021 16:26

I think intercepting and hiding cards addressed to your DS is wrong. he should be allowed to decide for himself whether or not he wants to be NC. Your DW shouldn't be imposing her own wishes on that relationship.

Merryoldgoat · 15/10/2021 16:27

@Kitfish

I think intercepting and hiding cards addressed to your DS is wrong. he should be allowed to decide for himself whether or not he wants to be NC. Your DW shouldn't be imposing her own wishes on that relationship.
You have no idea of the situation. It is entirely appropriate to keep children away from some people.
SummerBluez · 15/10/2021 16:28

@Kitfish an 11 year old child doesn't have the capacity to make that decision. His mother has the right to act in his best interests.

JumperandJacket · 15/10/2021 16:29

You can’t help receiving a text so you’ve done nothing wrong. Just tell your wife what has happened and let her decide how to proceed.

RedMarauder · 15/10/2021 16:38

Intercept the card and put in the pile in the drawer.

When your son is mature enough likely 15/16 then his mother will have to explain in detail to him why she is NC with her family members as they are also his extended family.

He can then be shown the cards, letters, etc and choose what to do with them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2021 16:39

It is said that the road to hell is full of good intentions and your actions have unwittingly played into their hands.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward to further understand the power and control dynamics some parents use against their now adult children.

If a relative is too toxic/batshit or otherwise too difficult for your wife to deal with, its the SAME deal for your son as well. Bin the cards you have erroneously kept and do not give these any more power than they already have.

You perhaps come from an emotionally healthy family where this type of familial dysfunction is unknown. Your wife has not been so fortunate.

Not all family members are nice and kind and some of them remain actively abusive towards their now adult child, in this case your wife. Respect your wife's decision properly and now here even if you don't fully get it and do not further engage in any contact with her family. You texting her sister gave her mother an "in" to make contact with you because you are really the weak link here. It was always a given that her sister would pass on your phone number to her mother.

This birthday card should be shredded upon its arrival, it should not be acknowledged in any way. People like your wife's parents tend to use money as an attempt to gain some more power and control over what they see as an errant offspring (her sister is likely to be far more favoured in this family). They are certainly not respecting her no contact position by sending cards and your actions to date re them have been misguided.

Badtasteflump · 15/10/2021 16:39

Well basically I agree with the PP. I imagine you probably think you're doing the right thing, keeping up a degree if contact to keep everyone happy and keep the lines of communication open for your DC. Does your wife not know about any of this contact with her family though? And do you not worry about how she would feel when she finds out? (IE, betrayed, I would imagine). To a certain extent, whether you agree with her going NC or not is irrelevant, as it's her family, not yours. That is, unless the reason is something ridiculous and you believe your DC are genuinely missing out on positive family relationships. But I'm guessing it's not because of something minor because these things usually aren't, or even if they are, it's usually the last in a long line of crap and somebody just decides enough us enough. So anyway, my advice is talk to your wife, get an understanding of why she wants to be NC, and unless you really can't support her decision, start having her back and support her in being NC. Her relatives really didn't need secret updates from you to 'check she's ok'. She has decided not to let them in on her life anymore but by contacting them behind her back, you are completely ignoring her wishes. Re the gifts for your son. Personally I think if a parent has decided to go NC, then all contact ceases and gifts, cards, money etc should be refused or returned. If, however you really can't support your wife with her decision, you have bigger problems than what to do with a birthday present.

SockFluffInTheBath · 15/10/2021 16:41

Tell your wife about the message, give her the card when it arrives. Anything else is taking her family’s side over hers and I would divorce you for that.

Badtasteflump · 15/10/2021 16:41

And PS - once (if) you have decided to get on board with your wife, block her mother's/sister's/whoever's numbers and social media so they can just override her wishes whenever they fe like it via you.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2021 16:43

Why is her mother able to text you? What is it that you don't understand about no contact? You think your wife just decided to do this on a whim, and who are you to "agree" with it or not?You don't respect your wife very much.

SunsetStyle · 15/10/2021 16:43

@SummerBluez

Respect your wife's decision and stop engaging in sneaky contact? Hmm
This
CocaColaTruck1 · 15/10/2021 16:44

Be honest with your wife. Let her make the decision.
It's not your fault you received a text.
She may want you to block them and if she does you should respect her wishes.

RedMarauder · 15/10/2021 16:44

I should add I was kept away from abusive family members as a child. (They were emotionally abusive.) I was shown any cards they sent me.

I learnt what they got up to from 14+ It was the reactions of certain family members I trust completely as they see the good in everyone who made me know I had to stay away from them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2021 16:46

Do not return the card; doing that will further open a door of communication that should remain closed. Its also a response and to such people they just want a response because that to them is the "reward" (they know they have you then). Therefore any sent items should never be acknowledged in any way, shape or form.

frazzledasarock · 15/10/2021 16:46

I’m NC with my family for very good reason if my partner went behind my back and ‘kept the lines of communication open’ with them. I’d divorce him.

They’re your wife’s family, she has every right being NC. You have no business telling them anything about your wife’s life.

Tell your wife you’ve been keeping contact with her family and her mother has messaged you and sent your DC a card with money in it. She can decide what she wants to do next.

Does your wife know you’re keeping a drawer filled with cards from her family?

Cyw2018 · 15/10/2021 16:46

You need to start respecting your wife and her decision. You have no idea how hard it is to go no contact with your own mother and are clearly blind to the pain your wife has suffered through her life in order to reach that point.

You are part of your wife's problems acting as a contact point for these relatives. I hope if/when your wife finds the big stash of cards you are hiding away that she divorces you.

GrandmasCat · 15/10/2021 16:47

Tell your wife and let her manage the situation as she sees fit. It is not your right to intercept letters to hide the fact you have been communicating with her family behind her back.

REP22 · 15/10/2021 16:48

I think you must tell your wife and let her be your guide. But be prepared for her to be upset that you are receiving texts (albeit infrequently) from her family despite knowing about the NC. Don't put your son in the position of having to choose what to do himself.

Best wishes. Hope it goes OK.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2021 16:48

I have a drawer fill of Christmas and birthday cards and letters I keep hidden in case one day it is appropriate to give them to him or when he’s an adult

This is an inexcusable betrayal. How dare you?

REP22 · 15/10/2021 16:52

P.S. to add - your wife WILL one day, however hard you try, find your stash of intercepted cards. And how do you plan to raise this with your adult son, when you decide "it's right"? What will that to to your wife and your son's perception of her?

No good can come of this, however well-intentioned you may believe yourself to be.

REP22 · 15/10/2021 16:53

*do to, not "to to".

SockFluffInTheBath · 15/10/2021 16:54

My DW is nc with her mother and entire family. I don’t fully understand it, or maybe even agree with it, but of course I respect her and haven’t had any contact with her parents (occasional text to her sister to ensure them we are ok).

I’ve just reread this and I have to say you’re seriously going down in my estimation. I think you’re doing this deliberately because you think you know better than your DW. You need to tell her everything you’ve done and let her decide if she still trusts you. I’m guessing you’re a man rather than a lesbian?

Original poster
StonedRoses · 15/10/2021 16:57

I am indeed following the road of good intentions.

I know my wife will be distressed by seeing the letters. Equally I don’t think it’s my place to destroy letters to someone else (our son).

Until four years ago everything seemed ok, we saw them regularly. They were nice to ne and welcome me to their family. Then suddenly it stopped. I don’t fully understand the background. It’s too complex and emotional to write again but you can easily find my other threads on here

The contact with my SIL is very brief. My wife has not asked me to go nc with her sister. The contact was to find out what on earth was going on, because I wanted to check people like the elderly grandmother were still alive and to ensure her parents didn’t come tearing other here causing more upset. I am very much stuck in the middle

It probably doesn’t seem like this but I am a decent chap trying to do the right thing by my wife and son.

I just don’t know what to do about the card. I wish it hadn’t been sent. I have asked them (via the sister) not to write to us.

OP posts:
Original poster
StonedRoses · 15/10/2021 16:58

Of it’s any consolation I’ve gone down in my own estimation as well

OP posts:
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