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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Non-contact MIL and birthday card

82 replies

StonedRoses · 15/10/2021 16:22

My DW is nc with her mother and entire family. I don’t fully understand it, or maybe even agree with it, but of course I respect her and haven’t had any contact with her parents (occasional text to her sister to ensure them we are ok).
Today her mother has text me to say a birthday card is on its way to our son and it’s recorded delivery because there’s money in

I really don’t know what the ‘right’ thing to do is. If my wife knows about it she’ll be very upset and distressed. But it seems wrong hiding it from them all. Do I try and keep a lookout for the postman and intercept it? Do I make an excuse to get them out the house? Does my son (11) have a right to see cards addressed to him? I have a drawer fill of Christmas and birthday cards and letters I keep hidden in case one day it is appropriate to give them to him or when he’s an adult

I have no idea what to do in this case

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 15/10/2021 17:58

I've read your other thread OP, and my first thought was that the therapy may have triggered a psychotic episode.

Someone who had always been rational with me before, started going on like this about similar things that could not actually have happened. They were under massive stress at the time and dressing in a very peculiar way, so there were a few clues.

WTF475878237NC · 15/10/2021 18:05

Given until four years ago all was normal I think you're doing the right thing in keeping the cards. I would tell your wife about this card though.

I have seen this from the other side. Very reasonable grandparents kept away from their grandchildren because of questioning a decision once made about a particular lifestyle choice.

WTF475878237NC · 15/10/2021 18:05

I meant to say, because of the text I would mention this card.

Loudestcat14 · 15/10/2021 18:11

@Kitfish

I think intercepting and hiding cards addressed to your DS is wrong. he should be allowed to decide for himself whether or not he wants to be NC. Your DW shouldn't be imposing her own wishes on that relationship.
We've just gone NC with a family member who previously had a close relationship with our DD12. As parents we know better than she does whether contact is appropriate going forward because we know why we've gone NC. So OP absolutely should be hiding the cards if they are uncertain themselves.
samwitwicky · 15/10/2021 18:29

@StonedRoses

I am indeed following the road of good intentions.

I know my wife will be distressed by seeing the letters. Equally I don’t think it’s my place to destroy letters to someone else (our son).

Until four years ago everything seemed ok, we saw them regularly. They were nice to ne and welcome me to their family. Then suddenly it stopped. I don’t fully understand the background. It’s too complex and emotional to write again but you can easily find my other threads on here

The contact with my SIL is very brief. My wife has not asked me to go nc with her sister. The contact was to find out what on earth was going on, because I wanted to check people like the elderly grandmother were still alive and to ensure her parents didn’t come tearing other here causing more upset. I am very much stuck in the middle

It probably doesn’t seem like this but I am a decent chap trying to do the right thing by my wife and son.

I just don’t know what to do about the card. I wish it hadn’t been sent. I have asked them (via the sister) not to write to us.

You're not stuck in the middle, you put yourself in the middle.

Regardless of how they treated you, regardless of whether you fully understand it, your wife made a decision and it is your job to respect that.

Not keep a drawer full of cards from her family a secret from her.

I would be pissed as hell if my DH kept something like this from me.

How dare you.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2021 18:32

Regardless that your wife may be severely mentally ill and having false "recollections", you hiding things and lying isn't going to help anything. When discovered, which it will be, it will only make things infinitely worse.

EnigmaCat · 15/10/2021 18:38

How might you feel if your positions were reversed and (ill or not) you found your wife had kept them behind your back?

Kinneddar · 15/10/2021 19:28

I am very much stuck in the middle

Thats your own doing and quite honestly you're completely in the wrong. Going non contact isn't a decision your wife has made lightly and you keeping contact with her family is totally out of order. Its not your place to update them how you all are. That's such a betrayal of your wife. Id never forgive you if I was her

SpaceshiptoMars · 15/10/2021 19:49

@StonedRoses, have you spoken to your GP about this? Because I would. See if they will book you in with the practice psychologist.

sadie9 · 15/10/2021 19:55

You need to come clean about all those cards. You are controlling a situation.
You've deprived your wife the opportunity to decide for herself what to do.
Your wife will be pretty upset you've lied to her about this. Think of all those situations where people hid the truth from people to 'protect' them.
Deal with it. Come clean as soon as possible.

clpsmum · 15/10/2021 20:01

Go Nc with each member of tour DW family the same way she has. It's terrible you're contacting each other behind her back

Original poster
StonedRoses · 15/10/2021 20:12

I’ve messed up. I can tell that now. I’ve been trying to do what I thought was right but I’ve screwed up. The reason for hiding the cards was to prevent my wife’s upset at seeing them - but without binning something that wasn’t mine. It seemed the best way but I see now it isn’t. I wish my MIL hadn’t sent the bloody card or texted me.

I do feel for my in-laws in some ways. It’s horribly complicated and it’s possible they’ve been cut out unjustly. But it may be they deserve all they get. I don’t know. My wife’s grandmother is 92 and her mother is in her 70s and not in good health. If they die before seeing their daughter or granddaughter and it turns out they shouldn’t have been cut out that would feel terrible.
I also miss them myself. Her sister (and her husband) had become good friends and I have missed not seeing them. My wife has nothing against her sister - but as she lives round the corner from her parents we’ve had nothing to do with them.

I know I come across as a heartless bastard but honestly my dilemma today has been how best to protect my wife. And what to do about a card that might arrive tomorrow. The other stuff is longer term and totally unsolvable

OP posts:
Level75 · 15/10/2021 20:21

I remember your other thread. It sounds like such a a nightmare for you all. You may be right about your in laws but as someone said you need to stick with your wife's wishes if you've chosen to stay with her.

Disfordarkchocolate · 15/10/2021 20:33

People rarely go no contact with very clear and frankly awful reasons.

Respect your wife, she is protecting you son. You should do the same instead of being a flying monkey.

SockFluffInTheBath · 15/10/2021 20:35

Have you not told her yet? It’s no good sitting typing to us. Do what you need to do.

clpsmum · 15/10/2021 20:38

It does sound like a horrible situation and I sympathise with you but you need to support your wife . Xx

Yummymummy2020 · 15/10/2021 20:44

I would also be really furious if I were in your wife’s position and found out you had stashed it all behind my back. It’s your wife’s decision to make not yours so I second that you need to talk to her.

Peach01 · 15/10/2021 20:55

As someone who is NC with a parent I suggest you tell your wife about the card and don't engage with these family members behind her back. It would feel like a massive betrayal to me. You need to be honest with her. It's her family, her decision and you need to support her.

SpaceshiptoMars · 15/10/2021 21:04

It's her family, her decision and you need to support her.

Under normal circumstances, yes. But read the other thread. This is off the scale. If someone is floridly psychotic, you do not go along with their fantasies, you get the doctor out.

HelloDulling · 15/10/2021 21:24

I remember your previous threads. Honestly, I’m amazed you are still with your wife (I understand why you are, but would have thought things would have reached crisis point by now).

Keep the letters, your DS may want them one day.

Thatsplentyjack · 15/10/2021 21:38

Keep the letters OP and I would be seeking some professional help for your dw.

Flowiththego · 15/10/2021 21:39

I think you are right to think about it from your child's pov - he might be pleased to know one day that his grandparents had wanted to keep in touch. And if it turns out the family are toxic you can bin the cards. But I know I'm in the minority here. You're in a difficult position.

TipiForMe · 15/10/2021 21:50

This is not a simple issue, because of your previous thread, and your DW’s possible mental health issues.

However, regardless, it’s probably better to talk about the cards etc to your wife, when things are chilled / relaxed. Hopefully you can come to some kind of resolution going forward.

You are clearly trying to do the best on the situation, I don’t know why so many posters are so angry and confrontational in their posts, it’s really not necessary.

butterpuffed · 15/10/2021 22:32

There are several other posts not just one, too many for me to read, saw them after I clicked on the link a poster put in this thread.

I got the gist though and I don't think the OP has done himself any favours by doing this as a stand alone thread.

butterpuffed · 15/10/2021 22:34

Several other threads not posts