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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Non-contact MIL and birthday card

82 replies

StonedRoses · 15/10/2021 16:22

My DW is nc with her mother and entire family. I don’t fully understand it, or maybe even agree with it, but of course I respect her and haven’t had any contact with her parents (occasional text to her sister to ensure them we are ok).
Today her mother has text me to say a birthday card is on its way to our son and it’s recorded delivery because there’s money in

I really don’t know what the ‘right’ thing to do is. If my wife knows about it she’ll be very upset and distressed. But it seems wrong hiding it from them all. Do I try and keep a lookout for the postman and intercept it? Do I make an excuse to get them out the house? Does my son (11) have a right to see cards addressed to him? I have a drawer fill of Christmas and birthday cards and letters I keep hidden in case one day it is appropriate to give them to him or when he’s an adult

I have no idea what to do in this case

OP posts:
romdowa · 15/10/2021 16:58

I'm nc with my mother and if my partner was doing this behind my back , it would be the end of our relationship. Thankfully my dp fully supports and shares my feelings about my mother and her behaviour.

Budapestdreams · 15/10/2021 16:59

What should you do?

Talk to your wife!

Why do you want your child to have a relationship with people who have hurt your wife this much?

You don't believe your wife? You think they're actually nice people? You want your child to decide for themselves?

Read the book suggested by pp. Talk to your wife about this whole situation, and REALLY listen to what she has to say, and how they make her feel.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2021 17:00

You need to tell your wife the truth and stop undermining her and deceiving her.

SockFluffInTheBath · 15/10/2021 17:01

@StonedRoses

Of it’s any consolation I’ve gone down in my own estimation as well
Please just talk to her, tell her and let her choose from now on. The family see you as a soft touch way to go behind her back. Please stop.
Budapestdreams · 15/10/2021 17:02

You have to choose a side.

Your wife or her family.

Your choice.

GinIronic · 15/10/2021 17:02

Block MIL and destroy all the cards and yes - even the money. It’s all toxic.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2021 17:03

You indeed should talk to your wife.

You are seen by her family as the weakest link here and you've allowed yourself to be used by them as such.

Original poster
StonedRoses · 15/10/2021 17:06

I have chosen sides. It’s my wife and family. I have had no contact with her parents for four years except receiving text messages. Which I never reply to. The only contact I’ve had is about three texts to her sister - my wife has probably texted her much more.

Like I said I don’t understand the reasons. They’ve never been fully explained to me and what I have been told doesn’t fully make sense.
I’m trying to work out how/if I should protect her from the distress of receiving a card from them and whether I should even bin that card.

OP posts:
Lunde · 15/10/2021 17:06

You are being used in an an attempt to trample all over your wife's boundaries. This is what toxic people do - try to get other people (flying monkeys) to do the dirty work and breach the NC ... and MIL is also indirectly trying to involve your child in this.

Do not betray you wife by being a part of this - tell her about the text and card.

Cantstopthewaves · 15/10/2021 17:07

I don't like the sound of this hidden drawer of letters/cards.
If I was your wife and found these I would be absolutely furious.
You need to come clean to your wife before she finds it and support her in doing what she wishes with the contents and promise her no more going behind her back.

CocaColaTruck1 · 15/10/2021 17:10

Tell her about the card and let her decide what to do

Original poster
StonedRoses · 15/10/2021 17:13

The cards are birthday or Christmas ones addressed to my son. I’ve never opened any of them. They’re at my work filing cabinet.

I can’t stop post arriving. So do I let my wife find them? Bin them or keep them?

OP posts:
Alieninmybody · 15/10/2021 17:21

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3412665-Repressed-memories-and-abuse-trigger-warning
Is this the thread you mention?

NerrSnerr · 15/10/2021 17:21

She needs to know the truth. If you do give your son the cards in the future how will you explain the years of keeping secrets to her? Let your wife decide what to do with the cards and stop the secret contact.

Budapestdreams · 15/10/2021 17:21

As we keep saying, tell her about them. Talk to her, be open and honest.

Lunde · 15/10/2021 17:24

You need to tell her the truth and ask her what she would like done with such items

At the moment you (to her) will appear to be colluding with MIL's breach of her boundaries - and now MIL has upped the ante (money in card) to force a response (getting contact)

Budapestdreams · 15/10/2021 17:24

Just read the first part of the other thread, that is a very complex situation. I feel for you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/10/2021 17:26

I am very much stuck in the middle

Why on Earth do you think that?! You’re only married to your wife. They’re her family, she knows them much much better than you do or ever will.

She’s got her reasons and she’s decided to protect herself and her son. This is how you show you respect her?!!!

Original poster
StonedRoses · 15/10/2021 17:29

It was indeed my thread
It is still a mess
Things are even less clear

OP posts:
Newgirls · 15/10/2021 17:32

Tell your wife. You want to avoid distress for her but keeping secrets will be more upsetting.

Don’t tell her late at night or anything. Tell her in morning and discuss it with her.

NerrSnerr · 15/10/2021 17:35

@StonedRoses

It was indeed my thread It is still a mess Things are even less clear
That doesn't matter. She doesn't want to be in contact and you are going behind her back. You need to be a united front on these things, that means that you supporting her decisions and being honest about contact and post that comes from them. She is going to be devastated when she realises you've been colluding with them.
SummerBluez · 15/10/2021 17:35

@StonedRoses ah your previous thread changes my opinion. What a sad and confusing situation.
How awful for your wife's family if they are in fact innocent.

JumperandJacket · 15/10/2021 17:39

What a terrible situation. The card is the least of it. If you believe that your wife is being exploited by an abusive therapist you have to act.

Phonelightmidnight · 15/10/2021 17:39

Your wife is obviously very troubled. I have read the other thread. It makes me feel for her family if the allegations are not true. And if they are false, then your son has missed out on getting to know his family and grandparents.

SockFluffInTheBath · 15/10/2021 17:44

I am fully NC with my dad’s side of my family and if I found out my DH did this I wouldn’t be able to be rational. The longer you do it the worse it will be when it comes out, because it will come out, and they will love it. Please just tell her.