Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

He's not going in to the office

104 replies

Mmmmdanone · 13/10/2021 08:14

Husband and I separated but still living in same the house. He's been wfh since the beginning of Covid but has now been asked to go into the office 2 days per week. He's just refusing to go in. I can't take it any more. I'm off this week for school holidays and I was so looking forward to a couple of days of him being out. It's changed everything in my eyes. We were trying to get along for the sake of the kids but now I feel like I'm going to explode. I can't look at him, don't want to "get along" any more. He's pathetic and I hate him. He won't move out. I want to make life as difficult for him as I can but this will make life hard for the children too.
I've stupidly been doing his laundry and cooking for him with the rest of us. I'm stopping this now. I don't know why I'm posting this, I'm just so done with him and can't face living with him any more. I would move it to a rental but don't feel that's the right thing to do for the children. He would then be sitting in a 3 bed house while me and the kids are in a rented flat. He's never put much effort into the house either. I can't stand the thought of him being here and letting it go to ruin.
What can I do?

OP posts:

MattHancocksSexTape · 13/10/2021 08:17

Are you looking at getting divorced? Have you said to him you need space from him?

Personally I’d have the kids making as much noise as possible this week!

MrzClaus · 13/10/2021 08:17

You can either move out, or get him to move out?

Have you children been told about the split? Children pick up on everything, and it will be hard for them if there's lots of upset in the house long term.

Have you sat down with him and had the full chat on divorce / separation / next steps?

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/10/2021 08:18

Are you planning to go out for two days? Why not try to agree that - you’ll let him have the house to himself for two days if he lets you have the same.

Stop doing his laundry and cooking if you’re separated. Live like housemates. But, as housemates, neither of you gets to dictate when the other can be in their own home. Get the divorce in progress and arrangements for selling / buying out the house in motion pronto.

CareerConcerns1999 · 13/10/2021 08:19

Oh god yes definitely stop the food and laundry. I'd go so far as to clear out a cupboard for him to keep his own food and laundry tabs etc.

Dont keep quiet. Vacuum at the office door, invite the kids friends round for playdates after school etc.

Live as if he isnt there.

Serve divorce papers.

Magicalwoodlands · 13/10/2021 08:21

God I hear you.

DP has been driving me nuts WFH. He’s finally going back in a couple of days a week and it’s made such a difference.

I can’t even imagine what it would be like if I was splitting from him. It puts an unbearable strain on relationships in a way the person WFH often doesn’t realise

Original poster

Mmmmdanone · 13/10/2021 08:22

The kids know we're separating and solicitors are involved. The plan is that I'll buy him out once the split is worked out. I'm usually in the office 4 days a week but am off this week. I know I can't force him out but he's not even doing what his work has said he needs to do. I just can't get my head around it. They should sack him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mmmmdanone · 13/10/2021 08:26

Thanks. I wrote a reply but it's vanished. Divorce is in motion. I plan to buy him out. The kids know.
I usually work 4 days per week but am off for October week just now. His work has asked him to go in but he isn't. I can't get my head around it. They should sack him. Tosser. Sorry, just venting here!

OP posts:

Dontknowwhatsnext · 13/10/2021 08:29

If they sack him, it could really impact the divorce. Which is what he might be hoping for.

I would push to get the divorce sorted sooner rather than later. Don't let it slow done.

My exh did this when we separated. He made life so unbearable I had to leave with the kids. I lived on a friends sofa for 9 months. It didn't impact the divorce because I wasn't housed, though.

MrzClaus · 13/10/2021 08:35

Vent all you want!!

Personally I would just do whatever would get him out of the house quicker! Fingers crossed it all goes through ASAP.

Original poster

Mmmmdanone · 13/10/2021 08:35

We don't even have an office. He's in the open plan living/dining room so the whole ground floor is "his". My daughter's also pissed off by this. I'm going to start treating it like mine again though. TV on loud. Hoovering. Tuneless singing while he's on a zoom. Prick.

OP posts:

MrsRobbieHart · 13/10/2021 08:41

@Mmmmdanone

This!! All of it. He doesn’t get to take over the whole downstairs!

TakeYourFinalPosition · 13/10/2021 08:41

The plan is that I'll buy him out once the split is worked out.

Are you making progress with this? Can you speed it up?

Tempting as it would be to be as loud and irritating as possible, I wouldn’t be helping him to try and lose his job… it seems like that might be his end game here, and that could affect his job?

I’d focus completely on getting the split worked out as a matter of urgency.

MattHancocksSexTape · 13/10/2021 08:43

It’s a beautiful day for frozen cocktails. Go buy a blender to crush some ice.

Original poster

Mmmmdanone · 13/10/2021 08:43

Thank you all. I sound horrible but I'm really not. Just reached the end of me tether. I've been far, far too nice over the years. I'm an idiot. He's so selfish and borderline abusive to boot. I should have ended this years ago, but here I am like an idiot thinking how to tell him he's getting sod all wife work from me and wondering how he's going to take it. Not by moving out unfortunately, him being a selfish arsehole and all.

OP posts:

IComeInPeace · 13/10/2021 08:44

Nightmare :-/

You're out 4 days a week so he has his space! Now your leave is ruined. Can you treat yourself to one night in a hotel?

IComeInPeace · 13/10/2021 08:45

Is the house up for sale?

IComeInPeace · 13/10/2021 08:50

I think most work places are just getting people back now, trialing it with all the protocols so it may secretly suit employers that a few people insist on wfh, but this will change.

Original poster

Mmmmdanone · 13/10/2021 08:51

The house isn't up for sale as I plan to stay after buying him out. This plan might change though as I have nightmares of him never leaving. I guess I can change the locks when it's mine though. No idea how it all works. I'll get on to my solicitor today.
I could go to a hotel I guess or go and visit my mum. But that's all a temporary fix and I'll have to come back.

OP posts:

Crazybirdlady · 13/10/2021 08:53

Christ. He's trying to make life difficult for you all the while manipulating you into doing his cooking and laundry as you're “getting along for the kids".
Glad you have decided enough is enough.

Mumdiva99 · 13/10/2021 08:54

Omg. Wfh in this instance is a nightmare.....I had a husband that did that a few days a week in our open plan downstairs. He is now home 5 days but he has an office. I cope because I have to....but poor poor you. He should go into the office this week of not the rest of the time for his kids sake. They are on school holidays and need the lounge.

Energy4You · 13/10/2021 08:56

@Mmmmdanone

Yep, I’d start treating the house as if it was yours and yours only. No more pandering to his needs and his needs only.

Plan things wo him (with dcs, family etc…) but be very clear how much fun it is etc…

Not do ANY wife work for him. I’m not even sure I’d tell him tbh. I would just stop. If he asks, then remind him you are separated and it’s time for him to look after himself. Because you’re not his unpaid maid.

And ignore. Ignore him as much as possible. You are living in the same house but not together.

Salayes · 13/10/2021 09:03

He has been asked to go into the office but has chosen not to - I wonder if it’s a coincidence he’s at home in your face during your very precious time off. I think yes you should treat the home as you would if he wasn’t there since he’s choosing to stay at home. He can go and work in the bedroom or something.

HappyAsASandboy · 13/10/2021 09:34

Absolutely stop doing his drudgery. Clear him cupboard space and a shelf in the fridge/freezer and tell him he's on his own now.

Nobody has the right to expect to use the whole of downstairs to WFH if there is another option (ie the office). Obviously if they're not allowed in to an office then needs must, but he has a choice here!

No laundry, no cooking, no shopping, no admin for anyone other than you/the kids/the house. Yes to hoovering, play dates, radio on, phone calls to friends, watching daytime TV in the lounge ......

SheWoreYellow · 13/10/2021 09:37

What can you do to speed up the buying out?

Triffid1 · 13/10/2021 09:40

It never ceases to amaze me how "getting along for the kids" always, and I mean always involves the woman tying herself up in knots to accommodate dickish behaviour from her ex. The man is NEVER involved in making things easier for the kids. He just does whatever he wants and if the woman makes a fuss, she is "making it difficult for the kids."

Stop. Stop right now. The point is that it is NOT easier for the kids. He is around all the time and that's probably confusing. You are seething with resentment and they probably feel in the middle.

Instead, if you can't get him out, absolutely go with calmly making it clear that as you're separating, you're going to act accordingly. Absolutely NO laundry. If you can ditch the cooking, do so, although I can see that being tricky as the kids might ask why you're not feeding him when he's sitting right there. But absolutely no need to go out of your way - ie no buying his favourite snacks, no making tea/coffees etc etc.

If there's anyway you can convince him that you need to act as if you are divorced and therefore he's responsible for him and the kids on the days he'll have them once he moves out, that would be great. But assume that won't happen. At the very least, feel free to just tell him that on the basis that you're now sharing access to children, you'll be going out every wednesday and it's up to him to sort kids on that day. Make sure that your weekly shop is done on a thursday....

Do not allow him to take over the downstairs. If he won't go into the office, that's on him, but you and the kids do not need to tip toe around him. Sit down and watch tv, do the vacuuming etc. If you want to be super sneaky, do it just two days a week then you can innocently say, "I thought Id have access again twice a week while you were at work and have planned accordingly. If you're not going to work well, what can I do?" I'd definitely be getting kids friends round for the half term.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread