He's not going in to the office

[Mmmmdanone]

Husband and I separated but still living in same the house. He's been wfh since the beginning of Covid but has now been asked to go into the office 2 days per week. He's just refusing to go in. I can't take it any more. I'm off this week for school holidays and I was so looking forward to a couple of days of him being out. It's changed everything in my eyes. We were trying to get along for the sake of the kids but now I feel like I'm going to explode. I can't look at him, don't want to "get along" any more. He's pathetic and I hate him. He won't move out. I want to make life as difficult for him as I can but this will make life hard for the children too.
I've stupidly been doing his laundry and cooking for him with the rest of us. I'm stopping this now. I don't know why I'm posting this, I'm just so done with him and can't face living with him any more. I would move it to a rental but don't feel that's the right thing to do for the children. He would then be sitting in a 3 bed house while me and the kids are in a rented flat. He's never put much effort into the house either. I can't stand the thought of him being here and letting it go to ruin.
What can I do?

I think the time may have come to get some legal advice and support op, especially as pp suggested, he may be deliberately trying to lose his job to make things more difficult for you. Surely his work won't tolerate him refusing to go in for two days a week for very long?

@HappyAsASandboy

Absolutely stop doing his drudgery. Clear him cupboard space and a shelf in the fridge/freezer and tell him he's on his own now.

Nobody has the right to expect to use the whole of downstairs to WFH if there is another option (ie the office). Obviously if they're not allowed in to an office then needs must, but he has a choice here!

No laundry, no cooking, no shopping, no admin for anyone other than you/the kids/the house. Yes to hoovering, play dates, radio on, phone calls to friends, watching daytime TV in the lounge ......

This! Surely his company have something to say about it too!

My Aunt and Uncle split up 30 years ago. He is still living in her house, around her and her children/grandchildren - the children don't live there now, but she cares for her grandchildren there.

I am not trying to depress you, just show you you need to get yourself into gear and get it sorted- if you dont make him, it might never happen

Oh god, I just blew up at him. Now he's saying he's ill which is why he didn't go in to the office (he does have a cold but he did say when asked that he couldn't be bothered going in). He sent me a text saying that my hostility isn't helping and that this is a situation "not of his making or choice". I'm in hell with all of this.

So he is trying to make life hard because of splitting up. Don’t stand for it, @Triffid1 wrote an excellent post about these types of men who make life hell and if you protest say YOU should put up with it ‘for the kids’. He is being hostile by behaving like a teenager. I would very calmly say that he is a grown man and sometimes things happen that are not our choices but mature adults deal with it - especially when there are children involved and it’s HIM that needs an attitude change if he cares about his children. Don’t let him put this on you, remain calm if you can and refuse to play his game - he’s being a dick on purpose so an argument happens and he can blame you while expressing his anger at the split in a childish way.

If you want to go nuclear you could ask him where he’s stashed his dignity, because behaving like a petulant teen and making life hard for everyone is incredibly weak and undignified as well as selfish. (or probably better, just repeat it to yourself!)

Argh, he's goading you in to a reaction.

He gets his space FOUR DAYS A WEEK.
Then he goads you by deny you space when you're on leave. Like you chose this?!

No advice other than speed the divorce up. 😵

Thank you so much. It gets worse. After I blew up at him he wanted to talk about the financial split and then took the piss out of my career, saying I had never gotten anywhere before I met him so he didn't I think that I had been financially disadvantaged by going part time after the kids came along. He said laws are in place to stop time women being disadvantaged in the workplace. He really doesn't have a giving clue. He also frequently states that men are screwed in divorces which is utter bollocks. Deluded. I can't do this any more.

Oh God, the delusion. If you were held back, was that from doing 90% of the housework and childcare.

Theres a spandau ballet song you should play on his next zoom. 🎶 Even then i knew id find a much better job !

My x was abusive so i escaped. So, there was no split. But i was free. He used to tell me i was a loser (for having no job, no qualifications, no driving licence, being craaaaazy). Fixed all of that after i left him. Have my own house too.

Time will tell who the loser is. But do whats right for you. 4 days a week is a smarter work life balance.

Logging on with zero energy for his own job five days a week, no friends, no hobbies, no self awareness, he's not the winner he thinks he is.

My x still earns way more but he really stalled in his career after i escaped with two toddlers. Funny that. Self pity does stall a career.

Stay strong. Bon courage.

@Mmmmdanone

Oh god, I just blew up at him. Now he's saying he's ill which is why he didn't go in to the office (he does have a cold but he did say when asked that he couldn't be bothered going in). He sent me a text saying that my hostility isn't helping and that this is a situation "not of his making or choice". I'm in hell with all of this.

I’m afraid I’d tell him that if he needs peace and quite to recover from his horrible cold, then he needs to find somewhere else to live.

Ps, my x thought the same, that i screwed him. All i got was maintenance for dc. Nothing for the 7 years id wasted being his slave. But luckily it doesnt matter what he thinks about men getting screwed in divorces.

When he says that think "lets get before a judge so, see what the judge thinks".

If he doesnt divorce you QUICKLY so that you can move on, you"ll be entitled to more of his pension!!

Ive seen pension adjustment orders where the order is up until the last day they lived together. Every day he spends living under the same roof as you is another day you're entitled to some of his pension.

I didnt get the steam off my x's pension but i see this everyday, women (mothers) retiring with a terrible pension while their x',s retire with a great pension.

Tell him if he fucks off quickly then you will only go after 20% of his pension.

Actually dont tell him! Tell solicitor

For the short term can you go away with the kids for a few days?
I'd also just stop doing the wife work for him, don't bother telling him, if he asks/complains just say it's about time he stood in this own two feet and he needs to get used to looking after himself
Start treating the house as yours again, let the kids have the telly on downstairs, Hoover when you like, cook when he's around. If it's too noisy for him to work, then tell him to either go into the office or work upstairs.

In the medium term, start pestering your solicitor and moving things along as quickly as possible re the divorce
Stop talking to him about financial settlements, if he's not willing to be reasonable put it all through the solicitor

Long term, once the house is yours, change the locks

Stop doing his laundry & cooking for him. This includes when shopping don't buy the things you know he likes.

Redecorate your bedroom & get a lock for the door, so he can't enter it.

Start laughing & belittling him about what loser sticks around like a bad smell when they're not wanted (obviously not in front of the children). Just giggle at him for being ridiculous. Because choosing not to move into a flat when your kids need the 3br house IS ridiculous.

Openly peruse dating apps & make sure he can see your phone screen.

Invite your GFs round for wine & pizza to have a giggle over said dating apps.

It's hard but act like you don't care that he's there. Pretend he's invisible. Acknowledge him only to be patronising & tease him.

This in my experience is the only way to get someone to leave when they are trying to powerplay you to stay in the house.

Yes it's mean, but then so is he when him moving out is the most practical option for the children's best interests.

I wouldnt pursue dating apps in fron of him.

Dont give him ammunition.

But in inviting your brother if you have one around would be a good way of reminding him that strong people (men) are in yr corner

@Mmmmdanone

We don't even have an office. He's in the open plan living/dining room so the whole ground floor is "his". My daughter's also pissed off by this. I'm going to start treating it like mine again though. TV on loud. Hoovering. Tuneless singing while he's on a zoom. Prick.

Good plan.

Do this.

He is choosing to be difficult.

Don't accommodate him.

Don’t engage with him on the divorce matters - progress it legally.

Stop cooking for him and doing his laundry!

He's far too comfortable, you need to make it far less comfortable for him.

Doing NOTHING for him at all is what you have to do.

Encourage the children to have friends over as much as possible.

@billy1966

He's far too comfortable, you need to make it far less comfortable for him.

Doing NOTHING for him at all is what you have to do.

Encourage the children to have friends over as much as possible.

definitely... music on... tv on ... kids around...

A PP said don’t disturb him when he’s working, as it could contribute to his possible plan to get fired.

However, if he’s actively trying to get fired, I’m sure he’s be capable of doing that without your help. You and the kids could tiptoe round him for the next few months, only for him to eventually do something that will bring the axe down on his job.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that your behaviour can influence him / his life. Go with what you can actually fix for yourself / the kids... firm ground rules for the use of family spaces in the house, for one...

@IComeInPeace Ammunition for what?

Re: trying to get fired - just laugh at him & say "good luck scoring a GF when you can't even afford to take them anywhere & or have your own place...Catch of the Year right here!"

If he's going to quit his job to play games there is zero the OP can do about that.

Stop tiptoeing around, the ground floor is not "his" it's everyone's & should be treated as such.

The answer is obviously to expedite buying him out. Can you put a bomb under the solicitors?

Get on to your solicitor again and ask what can be done to speed things up because this is unbearable for you.

And then do some of the things others have suggested - music on, noisy housework, friends round at all times of the day whether he's working or not.
He does not get to commandeer the entire ground floor space when he has been told by work to get back to work!!!
When people were having to work from home that was a different situation but there is now absolutely no reason at all for him to be there.
Keep up the pressure with noise etc. until he gets his dickhead ass back into work.

‘Grey rock’ approach might help you here?

@Dozer

‘Grey rock’ approach might help you here?

not really... because right now the entire lower level of the house is being treated as his Quiet Office space...

she needs to be NOISY .... LOUD... Volumes UP 🎉

Why cant he move out? Its not best for your dcs living like this.