Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's not going in to the office

104 replies

Mmmmdanone · 13/10/2021 08:14

Husband and I separated but still living in same the house. He's been wfh since the beginning of Covid but has now been asked to go into the office 2 days per week. He's just refusing to go in. I can't take it any more. I'm off this week for school holidays and I was so looking forward to a couple of days of him being out. It's changed everything in my eyes. We were trying to get along for the sake of the kids but now I feel like I'm going to explode. I can't look at him, don't want to "get along" any more. He's pathetic and I hate him. He won't move out. I want to make life as difficult for him as I can but this will make life hard for the children too.
I've stupidly been doing his laundry and cooking for him with the rest of us. I'm stopping this now. I don't know why I'm posting this, I'm just so done with him and can't face living with him any more. I would move it to a rental but don't feel that's the right thing to do for the children. He would then be sitting in a 3 bed house while me and the kids are in a rented flat. He's never put much effort into the house either. I can't stand the thought of him being here and letting it go to ruin.
What can I do?

OP posts:
REignbow · 13/10/2021 18:26

Use the time that you are staying at your mums to think, as you need a strategy going forward.

You have been reasonable but he is taking the piss.

Firstly, stop doing his laundry and cooking for him. If he sleeps separately, then he needs to work in this room. The ‘living space’ is just that. Your shared DC, use this space to play etc and so their needs trump everyone’s else’s.

How are you sharing the DC? As, maybe it should start now. If it’s EOW, then the weekend he has them then he cooks, cares for them and takes them to their activities. I would then make plans that take you away.

REignbow · 13/10/2021 18:30

So you are staying in your daughters room and he has the master all to himself?

Well then he is taking the piss. He has the biggest bedroom, so he will have to work in this room as well (like a hell of a lot of people who are WFH).

The living/dining area are for the children, where they can play and have friends over.

I agree with the PP, he is trying to move you our by stealth.

BoredZelda · 13/10/2021 18:32

I'm sleeping in my daughter's room. Not ideal but no spare room!

Why isn’t he sleeping on the sofa, or on a pull out in the dining room?

Why hasn’t he left?

Mmmmdanone · 13/10/2021 18:48

I'm such a loser, I don't stand up for myself enough. He's very stubborn and insisted he didn't mind sharing a bed so I just said I was going. He wasn't going to go whatever. A bit like the house. He won't leave. I said today I would look into renting (with the kids, I couldn't even bluff about leaving them.. he'd probably use it against me as he also wants 50/50 care. As if!). He just said it was a strange thing to do but up to me 🤔.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 13/10/2021 19:00

@Mmmmdanone

I'm such a loser, I don't stand up for myself enough. He's very stubborn and insisted he didn't mind sharing a bed so I just said I was going. He wasn't going to go whatever. A bit like the house. He won't leave. I said today I would look into renting (with the kids, I couldn't even bluff about leaving them.. he'd probably use it against me as he also wants 50/50 care. As if!). He just said it was a strange thing to do but up to me 🤔.

He is controlling everything ...

He has no intentions of leaving either.. why would He.. He has the master bedroom the entire first floor of the home as His personal/office space.. everyone us tiptoeing around His needs and moods..

You need to find your inner strength and start taking back control .. You ARE relevant .. You matter too 🌸

RandomMess · 13/10/2021 19:01

What till he's away/goes to the office and move the double bed out/get rid.

Put table or desk in there and blow up bed for him or similar.

Absolutely start watching TV and taking over downstairs whether he is working or not.

QueenBee52 · 13/10/2021 19:01

You are NOT a loser lady 🌸

Mmmmdanone · 13/10/2021 19:12

Thank you. You've all really helped. I don't mean to call myself names- just in a pretty bad place at the moment. Can't wait to get to my mum's tomorrow. Couldn't go tonight as DC have activities.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 13/10/2021 19:27

So he has the master bedroom and is insisting on the main living room to work.

I think you need to call Womens aid and see if they have any advice for you.

He sounds so selfish and awful.

I'd be damned if I would be protecting his image with the children if you have to move out of their home.

Keep posting.Flowers

Triffid1 · 13/10/2021 19:29

The deep seated assumption that men are hard done by never ceases to amaze me:

Although I sympathise with you, I equally sympathise with your husband.

Why? he's purposefully making it difficult for the OP - refusing to compromise on sleeping or working arrangements, doing F* all in the home to help?

You have no more right to the house than he does, and his solicitor will have strongly advised him not to move out until you have something in writing about child arrangements and financial split.

Individually, sure, perhaps not. But as the main carer, of course she does because this is ALSO the children's home. I see OP says he wants 50% custody. Hahahaha. As it's pretty clear she is doing the vast bulk of the caring, I think we can safely assume he isn't interested in 50% care at all and that therefore OP and the children should absolutely get priority for the house.

It is a shitty situation for all and you being aggressive to him for working from home is not helping. And now, with his retaliation, you have both reached a new level of unpleasantness.

WTAF? He is working from home in the shared communal space, refusing to use the bedroom that is now for his SOLE use, while simultaneously refusing to go into the office. Even though the office has specifically said they want him in 2 days a week.

My best advice is to move along with the divorce as fast as possible and be polite (although not a doormat) in the interval. Negotiate a fair split of chores and house access, as you would with a housemate.

The OP has said nothing that suggests her ex is even vaguely interested in doing any chores, never mind a "fair split" .

If you keep it amicable, it will get done quicker and minimise the harm to your children.

Obviously it's all on her to be amicable.

Cherrysoup · 13/10/2021 19:31

Move his computer into the main bedroom. Why the hell should he get that AND monopolise your main living space? I would not be keeping quiet and out of there if he’s meant to be in the office 2 days a week. Cheeky fuck.

timeisnotaline · 13/10/2021 23:58

I’d tell him the dc have friends over next week on one of his should-be-an-office day. And use the living room however I wanted. He has a bedroom and an office, and it’s a family home. I’m working in the dining room, it’s open to the living room. That means I’m working with the dc playing. If I don’t like that I can go somewhere else.

QueenBee52 · 14/10/2021 00:41

@Cherrysoup

Move his computer into the main bedroom. Why the hell should he get that AND monopolise your main living space? I would not be keeping quiet and out of there if he’s meant to be in the office 2 days a week. Cheeky fuck.

100% do this

Tallisimo · 14/10/2021 01:10

I really sympathise, OP. It’s hard, but I think you need to gird your loins and toughen up. No more doing anything for him. That means no shopping, sharing of tea or coffee etc as well as the other things already mentioned.

Reclaim the downstairs space for the family. If he wants to WFH, he uses the master bedroom which he seems to have appropriated. If he refuses and stays downstairs, you and the children carry on as if he isn’t there. If he complains, you remind him firmly but unemotionally that the children love here too and have a right to use the space.

He says he is ill? Oh dear. He needs to retire to his bedroom to recover. You are making too much noise? I/ we live here too, and the space is ours as well not, just yours.

He belittles your job / role in the family / financial sacrifice etc? Don’t even respond. Don’t rise to his barbs. Let him think what he wants, anything you say is not going to change his mind. You could just say, calmly, let’s see what my solicitor and the judge think about that.

But most importantly of all, get your solicitor on the case at speed to expedite the divorce and any settlements. The sooner you can get everything on a legal footing, the quicker you can get out of this horrible situation… which will be better for your children and for you (and actually, for him, if only he could stop being a prize prick and wake up to the realities of splitting up).

user1471517095 · 14/10/2021 07:23

Perhaps he likes working from home? On a thread last week a poster declared it was cruel when she was asked to to back into the office. A lot of posters agreed.

layladomino · 14/10/2021 08:07

He sounds vile Op. He has control / first dibs on the main bedroom and the lounge / dining room which in itself tells us how selfish and entitled he is.

Talk to your solicitor and keep things moving as fast as you can. In the meantime, don't let him know how much he's getting to you. He wants to upset and irritate you. If you don't show any upset or anger, then it will be less fun for him to do.

And stop doing ANYTHING for him. That isn't being awkward, it's just how it should be. You are now a separated couple. Why on earth should you do his chores? You won't be there to do them when you're living apart so he needs to get used to it. Also, if he wants the children 50% when you split, that could start now. (I appreciate he doesn't really want them 50%, but it would be good to flush that out now).

And just remind yourself this is temporary. Can you plan some of the lovely things you'll do to the house when he's gone? Decorating / new stuff (and new locks on day!)... it will all seem more real if you actually start planning it.

Mmmmdanone · 14/10/2021 08:43

@user1471517095

Perhaps he likes working from home? On a thread last week a poster declared it was cruel when she was asked to to back into the office. A lot of posters agreed.
Of course he likes working from home. He's incredibly lazy so he bloody loves not being up early and putting a suit on/traveling. That's not really the point though.
OP posts:
TravelLost · 14/10/2021 08:51

Please start to make his life difficult.
You are still walking in eggshell around him.
You don’t have a bedroom, no living room. Everything has to fit around him so HE is comfortable and fuck anyone else.

Reclaim the space. Go in bedroom and switch the light on even if he still there. Use the living room when you need it. Dont tiptoe around him.

Of course he’ll find that renting is a strange idea. That’s because he doesn’t have to make any effort whatsoever ever to make it work.

billy1966 · 14/10/2021 09:13

For goodness sake OP, stop tiptoeing around him.

He's one person who has most of the house.

Stop putting up with it.

If he kicks off, call the police and have him removed.

He has the whole family controlled.

Master bedroom AND main living space.

Put your foot down and get him out.

Flowers
19Bears · 14/10/2021 12:16

God this sounds like me talking @Mmmmdanone My 'dh' has also been wfh for the past year and a half, in the living room with the rest of us tiptoeing around him and his work space. He is on the phone a lot of the time taking calls about car insurance, and often ends up exasperated with the people he talks to, and I feel like tearing my hair out at his whining every single time he finishes a call. He makes a bloody drama out of everything. Thankfully most of the time I'm out at work, but I dread going home. There's no peace. And the poor kids, if they're off school they just try to distract themselves with their games (with headphones on) to drown out both him and his LBC radio which he has on the telly all day. He's also going back to the office two days a week, moans that he prefers to be at home, having previously moaned about how terrible wfh was going to be!!!!
I want to separate, but can imagine it would be exactly as you are finding it, the resentment just grows and grows. I also imagine he would refuse to leave too, and I think why the hell should he get to stay and force me to move myself and the kids away from the home that I run 90% single handedly???!! I don't know what to do either. I hope you work it out x

Mmmmdanone · 14/10/2021 15:42

@19Bears

God this sounds like me talking *@Mmmmdanone* My 'dh' has also been wfh for the past year and a half, in the living room with the rest of us tiptoeing around him and his work space. He is on the phone a lot of the time taking calls about car insurance, and often ends up exasperated with the people he talks to, and I feel like tearing my hair out at his whining every single time he finishes a call. He makes a bloody drama out of everything. Thankfully most of the time I'm out at work, but I dread going home. There's no peace. And the poor kids, if they're off school they just try to distract themselves with their games (with headphones on) to drown out both him and his LBC radio which he has on the telly all day. He's also going back to the office two days a week, moans that he prefers to be at home, having previously moaned about how terrible wfh was going to be!!!! I want to separate, but can imagine it would be exactly as you are finding it, the resentment just grows and grows. I also imagine he would refuse to leave too, and I think why the hell should he get to stay and force me to move myself and the kids away from the home that I run 90% single handedly???!! I don't know what to do either. I hope you work it out x
Isn't it awful? I recommend you read what the lovely people on here have written about NOT tiptoeing around the selfish bastard. Let's do it! I'm at my mum's now but before I left I clanged about quite a bit while he was on a phone call and it felt good!
OP posts:
mbosnz · 14/10/2021 16:04

I get on really well with DH, and we're still very much in love, but oh my, I do like it when he goes in the office a day or two a week! He's also set up on the main living area dining table, but doesn't expect, and no-one does, tip-toe around him. Kids at their normal hellishly loud volume level, tv on, cat going nuts, me doing housework, music on. . .if it gets too much for him on calls, he removes himself to a bedroom.

QueenBee52 · 14/10/2021 16:04

@Mmmmdanone

good on you... let the 'taking back control' begin ladies 🌸

mbosnz · 14/10/2021 16:10

And sorry if that sounded smug.

If my DH were behaving the way yours is, he'd have been brained by a leg of lamb, I'd have eaten the murder weapon, and he'd be under a brand new patio.

19Bears · 14/10/2021 16:24

@Mmmmdanone Speaking of clanging about, the times he does make an effort to contribute by washing up, he'll do it at 6.30am in the kitchen directly below where I'm attempting to cram in a bit of sleep before getting up to sort the kids for school and get ready for work, having been awake most of the night with his snoring. Bang, crash, bloody wallop with all the plates and the bowls and the throwing the cutlery into the drawer..... Angry This following trying to get to sleep on a night when he's downstairs with Newsnight on or whatever at full volume. I tell him every night to turn it down. Every night. Then if I have the shipping forecast on the bedside radio (I like to listen to it, very calming) at literally 1 decibel and he comes up to bed, guess what, he switches it straight off Angry

Swipe left for the next trending thread