Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Red Flags?

55 replies

Fireworksfly · 11/10/2021 10:23

I have started to date someone - it has been about 2 months. Started off OK - met for some drinks (although he does not drink) went for drives/walks. He always seems busy on a Saturday night or if I text him on a Saturday night he will reply on Sunday that he had 'nodded off'
He still lives at home (40 years old?)
I have my own house amd live with my teenage daughter.
When we make arrangements he sends a text saying he will be late as he has 'nodded off' which I find offensive if he knew we had an arrangement to meet.
We now only seem to go for a 'drive' and last night it was obvious that he only wanted one thing. It made me feel cheap and I just froze. Then I felt I was not normal - if we are both attracted to each other I should have not reacted like that. I am not materialistic and do not expect to be wined and dined but today I just feel confused. I have had some really bad relationships in the past where I was cheated on and just used for sex. He probably thinks I am frigid and a prude.

OP posts:
Brollywasntneededafterall · 11/10/2021 10:25

Bin him op
..

katemuff · 11/10/2021 10:26

Have you been to his house?
The constant napping and not wanting to do anything would bore me and I'd be off.

pollyroo · 11/10/2021 10:30

OP you really should expect to be 'wined & dined' in the early stages of a relationship HmmThis creep is taking you for a mug. Where is your bar that you've set?!

Bin him immediately!

Unfortunately it maybe that your previous poor experiences have clouded your judgement on what is good & what isn't. And this really isn't good.

Better that you froze than give this arsewipe what he wanted after giving you such tiny crumbs.

Move on op x

Original poster
Fireworksfly · 11/10/2021 10:32

I have not been to his house - he lives with his Dad
Not met any of his family or friends. So starting to think this is not exclusive.
I cant say it was very romantic to drive around and pull up on a country lane and be pounced upon

OP posts:
MorvaanReed · 11/10/2021 10:32

You are not feeling valued or having any fun. I'd move on.

You think he thinks you're frigid and a prude? Nuts to him if he does.

CheesusWept · 11/10/2021 10:34

I’d be strongly suspecting that he’s married.
Either way, he sounds like an arse.
I’d be binning him off.

TheFoundations · 11/10/2021 10:35

if we are both attracted to each other I should have not reacted like that

That's right. So, what do you think is causing this problem? Pull it to pieces; what's going wrong there, in your reaction?

Pinkbonbon · 11/10/2021 10:36

It's perfectly normal to freeze up with someone you feel is only using you for sex. Attraction doesn't equate to anything without respect. If someone has no respect for you, you don't shag them anyway just because they fancy you. You reacted perfectly normal in not being up for sex in this situation.

Stop thinking words like frigid and prude.
How about swapping them for 'free will' and 'human rights'. Who gives a shit what he thinks? He, is a using bastard. Use kinder words when you think of yourself. Not derogatory words traditionally used by shitty men in order to abuse women. If he does think those things then he is a mysoginist.

girlmom21 · 11/10/2021 10:37

@CheesusWept

I’d be strongly suspecting that he’s married. Either way, he sounds like an arse. I’d be binning him off.
I thought the same thing. He 'falls asleep' when he can't make up a good enough excuse to get out the house.
TobyEsterhase · 11/10/2021 10:40

Straight red card imo.

Even if he is telling the truth the difference between his situ (not left home at 40) and yours (own house with teenager) looks too big to have any sort of relationship

FlatteredFool · 11/10/2021 10:41

I think he might be my exH. Definitely run.

tickertock · 11/10/2021 10:47

I guess that it's not convenient to go back to each other's house but even so the lack of dating and the half arsed effort when he finally wakes up to meet you is really off putting. You know you find someone much better? don't waste your time on him.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 11/10/2021 10:49

I do hope you kneed him in the balls op..

Mamamamasaurus · 11/10/2021 10:49

He's a walking red flag. You deserve better.

OldWivesTale · 11/10/2021 10:49

Are you sure he's not married? Either way, dump him.

Handoverthechocollate · 11/10/2021 10:57

Yep, agree with pp. He's married or in a serious relationship already. Bin him off!

Original poster
Fireworksfly · 11/10/2021 11:02

I really do not think he is married - I know where he lives and I dont know what is sadder married or still living at home at the age of 40! But I do think he may be seeing someone else at the same time.
When he does come over (when daughter is at her dads) he leaves his mobile in the car ....another red flag?
He said he used to live with his ex but that was about 6 years ago.
It is a strain that he can only come to my house as I work from home and would like a change of scenery - feel like I have to do all of the entertaining as @TobyEsterhase mentioned we are in very different situations and he has no kids - no property - no responsibilites

OP posts:
JustThisLastLittleBit · 11/10/2021 11:05

Are we talking shagging in a car? Seriously??

He sounds deadly dull OP, ‘nodding off’ indeed!

In the bin he goes!

Original poster
Fireworksfly · 11/10/2021 11:10

@JustThisLastLittleBit

Sadly so - he reclined his seat and I knew what his one and only intention was. It just made me feel so cheap. I just froze and felt sickened.

OP posts:
CrumpetStrumpet · 11/10/2021 11:10

Bin him. He sounds cheap, disrespectful and as dodgy as well.

Raise your bar op. A man should be wining and dining you! Been driven round in his car? I'm honestly embarrassed for him. He sounds pathetic.

You deserve FAR betterFlowers

Salayes · 11/10/2021 11:12

It’s bloody October and cars are uncomfortable so why would you or anyone want to always drive out and have sex in a car unless they were 17?

It’s certainly not ‘prudish’ not to want to do that, especially considering it seems to be all he wants. please stop using that sexist term on yourself.

As for the rest…look this man won’t take you out and did the bare minimum of dating you before transitioning it into a let’s drive and fuck in a car (romantic!) acts suspiciously (yes probably has another person he is seeing) and is either a shit liar regarding the ‘nodding off’ or has some sort of sleep disorder he’s not telling you about.

Why haven’t you dumped him yet?

pinkyredrose · 11/10/2021 11:13

Dump!

RaisedByPangolins · 11/10/2021 11:14

[quote Fireworksfly]@JustThisLastLittleBit

Sadly so - he reclined his seat and I knew what his one and only intention was. It just made me feel so cheap. I just froze and felt sickened.[/quote]
I hope that means you didn’t just go along with it for fear of looking “frigid” Sad

He sounds like a massive loser. Dump and move on. You deserve someone better than this. We all do.

Ruby0707 · 11/10/2021 11:16

He should be making an effort and making you feel important at this early stage.

He is using you and if this is the best it gets, it will only get worse.

Chuck him back, you deserve much more.

mewkins · 11/10/2021 11:17

@CheesusWept

I’d be strongly suspecting that he’s married. Either way, he sounds like an arse. I’d be binning him off.
I would also guess this. He either has a live in partner or a girlfriend who stays every Saturday.