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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Red Flags?

55 replies

Fireworksfly · 11/10/2021 10:23

I have started to date someone - it has been about 2 months. Started off OK - met for some drinks (although he does not drink) went for drives/walks. He always seems busy on a Saturday night or if I text him on a Saturday night he will reply on Sunday that he had 'nodded off'
He still lives at home (40 years old?)
I have my own house amd live with my teenage daughter.
When we make arrangements he sends a text saying he will be late as he has 'nodded off' which I find offensive if he knew we had an arrangement to meet.
We now only seem to go for a 'drive' and last night it was obvious that he only wanted one thing. It made me feel cheap and I just froze. Then I felt I was not normal - if we are both attracted to each other I should have not reacted like that. I am not materialistic and do not expect to be wined and dined but today I just feel confused. I have had some really bad relationships in the past where I was cheated on and just used for sex. He probably thinks I am frigid and a prude.

OP posts:
BoxOfDreams · 11/10/2021 11:18

Oh dear, this is grim. Tell him you're looking for a relationship with someone who shares your interests and you expect to go out for meals, exhibitions, gigs etc, not just a shag in a layby when he's momentarily awake!

mewkins · 11/10/2021 11:20

The leaving phone in car....yes he definitely has someone else on the go.

Fallagain · 11/10/2021 11:26

[quote Fireworksfly]@JustThisLastLittleBit

Sadly so - he reclined his seat and I knew what his one and only intention was. It just made me feel so cheap. I just froze and felt sickened.[/quote]
I’m not surprised you froze. I suspect the vast majority of women wouldn’t feed respected and wanted as a person in this situation. Listen to your instinct.

Fireworksfly · 11/10/2021 11:41

I said I did not comfortable and asked him to drive me home - It is something a 17 year old would do that still lives at home and has no where else to 'do it' God I am in my late 40's with a mortgage and a child.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 11/10/2021 11:53

You did the right thing op.
I think you could just block him now tbh. He knows fine his behaviour was unacceptable, no matter what he might try to convince you.

Ruby0707 · 11/10/2021 11:54

@Fireworksfly

I said I did not comfortable and asked him to drive me home - It is something a 17 year old would do that still lives at home and has no where else to 'do it' God I am in my late 40's with a mortgage and a child.
So what will you do next?
JustThisLastLittleBit · 11/10/2021 11:58

Ugh, that ‘seat declining’ must have felt so grim OP, I’m really sorry that happened to you.

Put him in the bin.

Then think about why you thought your ‘freeze’ reaction wasn’t ‘normal’, and why you worried this piece of scum thought you were ‘frigid ‘ or a ‘prude’. These are misogynistic terms that you have internalised, as I fear misogyny is what you have experienced in previous relationships. It’s time to love and respect yourself OP, and to 100% demand love and respect in return.

Fireworksfly · 11/10/2021 11:59

Thank you for all of your advise and reasurance - I am going to block him - I cant afford to be wasting my time driving around dark country lanes - could have been nodding off myself at home in front of the fire with a glass of wine !
Great advise and understanding - thank you all

OP posts:
Fireworksfly · 11/10/2021 12:11

@JustThisLastLittleBit
My past relationships have been awful and I seem to attract the 'wrong' type again and again. I need to work on myself and self respect

OP posts:
Ruby0707 · 11/10/2021 12:12

Good choice. Men like that need to know that it is not ok to treat women like that.

Polmuggle · 11/10/2021 12:51

Don't just block him, break up with him first!

thelastgoldeneagle · 11/10/2021 13:04

Eurgh. He should be taking you out, arranging dates - it's the honeymoon period. Are you sure he's not married?? Sounds a bit like it.

Anyway, you're not compatible.

Ditch and onward!

Have you thought about taking the Freedom Programme if this is a pattern of relationships?

Fireworksfly · 11/10/2021 13:11

@thelastgoldeneagle
I will certainly look in to the freedom programme as there does seem to be a pattern forming
I am pretty certain he is not married but I know he was on dating sites - does seem that he wants to keep me hidden. When he comes to my house he won't park outside the house but a few streets away and when he leaves he checks no one he knows is walking past - he said it was for my benefit to stop the neighbours gossiping ??

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/10/2021 13:16

You even have to ask? He's a walking red flag and a horrible, pathetic man. I mean this gently, but you really need to work on your boundaries and standards. So many things about this man should have had you running from the very beginning, and yet you continue to see him.

OverweightCakeBaker · 11/10/2021 13:24

Oh Jesus. Get rid. Stop even giving him head space.

TheFoundations · 11/10/2021 13:25

[quote Fireworksfly]@JustThisLastLittleBit
My past relationships have been awful and I seem to attract the 'wrong' type again and again. I need to work on myself and self respect[/quote]
Just end relationships when they start to feel bad. That's all your boundaries sorted, and your dating life about 92% more positive. Don't question why you feel bad. Just leave. If you find yourself, in 5 years, having left 30 men because they were all liars or they all had too little money or the all had a troublesome ex, you might want to look at yourself and see if there's any glitches in your thinking. But if you're looking back and thinking that they each were doing something that made you unhappy, and they were each different, then you're essentially looking at your own boundaries working. Your own filter actually doing the filtering it's meant to.

'Working on your self respect' is a bit of a weird phrase. How are we supposed to do it? All you can do is listen to your feelings, and instead of thinking 'Maybe I'm wrong to feel this..?', you respect the feelings. You allow them to guide you.

If you're on an ice-rink and you don't like skating, you don't question yourself, think there's something wrong with you, and try to make yourself like skating. You just get your shoes back on and wait in the bar.

So why, if you're in a relationship you don't like, do you question yourself, think there's something wrong with you, and try to make yourself like it?

pinkyredrose · 11/10/2021 13:41

he said it was for my benefit to stop the neighbours gossiping ??

I'll bet he did. He doesn't want anyone to know he's seeing you.

rainbowstardrops · 11/10/2021 14:10

So he acts like a teenager shagging in a car and then parks away from your house when he comes to yours???
Yeah, there's a whole different life to this chancer.

QueenBee52 · 11/10/2021 14:15

Sounds like he has a few 'car experiences' booked into his week...

You are right OP you are well rid.. 🌸

wewereliars · 11/10/2021 14:19

Sounds like he's married but even if he isn't he is boring, sleazy and creepy.

Dump and block OP, you can do better than this!

Bookworm20 · 11/10/2021 14:44

Glad you’re blocking him.
He couldn’t even fork out for a hotel. His car FFS!! Does sound like he still thinks he’s a teenager.
And living at home at the age of 40 is pretty odd isn’t it? Unless he’s there as a carer for his parents or something that would totally turn me off.
Good luck OP, there’s definitely better fish in the sea than this one.

Tellmeee · 11/10/2021 14:49

No one leaves their phone in the car. That is very suspicious. And he supposedly doesn’t want the neighbours to see him for your sake? More like in case he gets rumbled. Put all that with the not available on Saturday nights, he’s in a relationship with someone else.

Fireworksfly · 11/10/2021 15:15

@Bookworm20
It is not like he has not got a good job either so he could get somewhere of his own, I know a couple of men in their 40's still living at home and it is the biggest turnoff
His mother has recently passed away so that adds another dynamic to it all. Not the best time to engage in a new relationship when you know one of your parents is going to pass away. I guess that is why I gave him the benefit of doubt - nodding off - could be grief - Saturdays spent with family grieving- but does not excuse the other things I know

OP posts:
FragileLikeABomb · 11/10/2021 17:39

@Fireworksfly are you in the north west? 🤭

Jackthementalkitten · 11/10/2021 20:40

[quote FragileLikeABomb]@Fireworksfly are you in the north west? 🤭[/quote]
I was going too ask the same thing, he sounds exactly like my ex, I found out had a live in partner. Your doing the right thing, he’s taking the absolute piss. Ooh deserve better Flowers

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