Resent that mum never worked/had a job - causing rifts between us

[Waferbiscuit]

My mother married right out of University and since then has been a SAHM/SAHW. She only ever held one job, over the summer, when she was 20 and and has never had a job since.

She has lived a very comfortable life - children at a young age, divorced but remarried quickly so no change in her financial circumstances, moderately successful husband and kids at home until they left when she was 48. Since then she has spent the last 40+ years travelling, pottering and quite frankly stretching out daily chores into the day. She is part of a weird generation of mc women who expected to be cared for and probably never expected to work.

By contrast I have worked FT since leaving University, now a single parent, still working and juggling everything.

The fact that mum has never worked means she's lived in a real bubble, and has very skewed views about public life and the world of work. This causes huge rifts between us and really affects our relationship.

• She has very little concept of what work is like and the pressures of modern work so when I explain that I am stressed she thinks that it's my fault and I need to manage it.
• She doesn't understand that people need to do work outside of 9-5
• She has no real sense of what it's like to have someone instructing you/telling you what to do; she has literally been 'self guided' her entire life
• She thinks it's easy to get a job and promotion so doesn't understand why they aren't forthcoming for me or my siblings.
• She is deeply unproductive so thinks juggling means trying to do the dishes and laundry in the same morning and considers that 'busy-ness' to be on par with mine
• She is very naive about money and assumes everyone is on a relatively good wage. She doesn't understand why I can't go part-time.
• She dresses in organic frocks and proudly doesn't wear makeup or do her hair but her 'hippyness' is a privilege - she doesn't clock that other people actually have to look and dress professionally for work.
• She doesn't help me in any way - financially or with DCs - because she's always too busy doing nothing at all, but she's 'very busy'.

I know I should be grateful that she's not working in a factory to scrape by, but her naiviety means there's an entire aspects of my life she doesn't understand and over the years it's caused real tensions. I partly resent that she doesn't get it and partly resent that she's had such an easy ride that she takes for granted or really considers her due.

Posting just to see if anyone else has the same problem and how they made peace with it.

I do think it's a bit off that she doesn't assist with childcare. If I'm not working and have grandchildren I'd definitely help out if needed.

She's eighty!

You sound a jealous, resentful sourpuss OP.
Being ‘professional’ at work does not involve wearing make up, that’s your choice.

Our generation were not all like your Mum. But when l went back to work, part time, when my first child was born l received comments from my stay-at-home neighbours that were not very nice. I had to leave when expecting my second child as maternity leave didn't exist then. Fortunately l was able to return to the job again soon after the birth.
I remember a comment from another parent when the children had started school how sad it was for the children that l couldn't attend all the stuff parents were invited to at the school l certainly attended 90per cent.
I really enjoyed working and have discussed with my children what effect it had on them. All good.
I stayed in my job after retirement age and left to look after my grandchildren so that their mother could carry on working.
So many woman when l was young just didn't think of going to work when they had children.

Middle class women of that generation are the ‘princess’ generation

WTF? What a slap in the face for every woman of that generation. Women who didn't work were keeping everything going at home, because the men worked but did very little of the grunt work at home. Even simple things like getting the food in was a much bigger task than today. I order my food on-line and it's delivered to my door. My Mum (younger than the Ops mum) used to have to visit the butchers, greengrocers etc, as supermarkets didn't exist (at least where we were). Her whole day was filled with chores. Princess my ass.

While people say they will defo look after DGC when they are older .I think many miss the point of how hard it is to care for young children as they age. A friend in her late 70s is shattered when looking after her two Granddaughters! No underlying health issues apart from feeling tired! She does it to help out .My DP would always babysit but found whole days too much .

I don't think you should necessarily expect your mum to understand every aspect of your life.

Can't you have a decent relationship without her knowing much about your work?

My parents know very little about my work but it really doesn't matter.

I wonder if you are projecting certain expectations onto her about what you want her to be, which she simply isn't, and you need to let go in order to get more harmony in your relationship.

These threads crop up frequently and I'm always so sad at the posters who say they could have had better childhoods if their Mums had worked, they would have had all the things their friends had. I am naturally fairly frugal, I grew up with little and I'm quite eco conscious. I argue with DD because we can't afford the latest trainers (although she got them as a birthday present, £100 for fashion trainers is outside of my understanding), we don't have a foreign holiday every year, my car is embarrassing. I assumed she was a typical entitled teen, it never occurred to me until Mumsnet, that people don't grow up from this mindset. I grew up not always having a roof over my head.

@FlaviaAlbiaWantsLangClegBack

I think perhaps you're seeing her life as much through your lens as she's seeing yours for hers.

I mean, for my grandmother who was admittedly 10-15 years older than your mother, laundry was a full day washing tub and mangle job until my grandparents got a twin tub, so while your mother was able to go to university and my DGM started work at 14 she was still forced to leave her job when she got married. Without todays labour saving devices for housework she did a full days work in the home, food shopping, cleaning, cooking and looking after children and helping with her own parents and grandparents, all without a car.

I mean, unless she was rich enough to send out laundry, have a cleaner, cook and a car then I don't think her life then can be just as easy as you're seeing now.

Was just about to post to say similar, I 100% agree with this. My mum was looking after us in the 70s, she did bits of part time work but mostly at home. Looking after a home and family was a lot harder then IMO, with none of the modern conveniences that we take for granted. You make it sound like she has just lived the life of riley her entire life and I think there’ll be a lot more to it than that. Plus let’s not forget, there’ll be things our kids have to deal with and live through that we’ll find very hard to understand and I’m sure our turn will come to be annoying and lacking understanding to them.

I have to agree that it is likely to be a personality issue rather than her never having had to work that is causing the problem.

She has no concept - but no empathy or wider social conscience either - to comprehend how things could be different for other people.

My mum did work nearly all her life. Part time for some of it, and had time off when we were tiny - but as soon as we were big enough, she went back to work. She'd also done a lot of voluntary work while we were tiny.

But her attitudes to other people's work very much showed her narrow-mindedness - she "didn't understand" an awful lot about different types of jobs, responsibilities etc. - anything outside of her sphere of knowledge was classed as "weird". Serious lack of empathy - BUT not to the outside world, in her volunteer capacity.

However, she never made commentary on earnings or financial issues. Plenty to say on social and relationships, but never financial, which was a bonus. Possibly because my grandfather was self-employed and she worked for him a lot in a secretarial capacity? I don't know.

Hence why I asked when they became the norm? I grew up in the 80s/90s & they seemed normal to me then. Some people can't afford them now but that doesn't mean it's not normal to have a microwave.

A washing machine in 1985 cost about £300. Average take home monthly wage was £560. It’s fair to say a washing machine was a massive outlay for the majority of people in the mid 80s

OP's mum is eighty, she may well find doing dishes and laundry in one morning to be a real struggle physically. Come on, that's a totally legitimate thing to find tough at that age!

Not the point, @icedcoffees
The point is, the DM "considers that busy-ness to be on par with mine".

Which is OP's main frustration - her DM simply cannot take on board the realities of working full time.
As evidenced by how she imagines it's an easy ride where promotions & success simply appear out of nowhere, & tells OP she doesn't understand why OP isn't being promoted.

Also DM had to work PT (9 to 4)! and come home to no central heating (open fire), A twin tub to wash at the WE ,no freezer or dishwasher .Also didnt drive so bus each way .DSD would take her shopping or she would get some groceries on the way home from work .

The point is, the DM "considers that busy-ness to be on par with mine"

When you make allowances for her abilities, it is on a par.

Which is OP's main frustration - her DM simply cannot take on board the realities of working full time.

And OP cannot take on board the realities of aging and her mother’s capabilities.

Also childcare. My Gran/aunties/neighbours/anyone who would have me, looked after me, then I was a latchkey kid from age 9. I'd come home sort out the tea etc. Childcare just didn't exist in the way it does now, if you had no family you were stuffed. My mum only had family on Dad's side, who were very scathing of her working.

Oh my gosh OP, your mum sounds exactly like mine! Except we had a nanny too. No advice, but you have my sympathy, its tough

Slightly off topic but my DM was an incredibly busy single parent during my childhood, was a full time primary school teacher and worked a second job 3x evenings a week. She was sole provider and did everything for us. She absolutely knew what hard work was...

But now, she is mid-70s and has been retired for roughly 10 years, she lives comfortably and remarried relatively recently. And her pace of life has slowed so much that she genuinely thinks she is rushed off her feet if she has to go to the supermarket in the morning and a dr's appointment in the afternoon. Her world is much smaller now too. She often says things to me like "oh, you're so busy, you should do less work" or tell me she can't possibly come over or have visitors on a particular day, because she has 1 thing on that day. When she was my age, I'm sure she was busier than I am now, but its like she has put it out of her mind.

@ChargingBuck

OP's mum is eighty, she may well find doing dishes and laundry in one morning to be a real struggle physically. Come on, that's a totally legitimate thing to find tough at that age!

Not the point, @icedcoffees
The point is, the DM "considers that busy-ness to be on par with mine".

Which is OP's main frustration - her DM simply cannot take on board the realities of working full time.
As evidenced by how she imagines it's an easy ride where promotions & success simply appear out of nowhere, & tells OP she doesn't understand why OP isn't being promoted.

Which is OP's main frustration - her DM simply cannot take on board the realities of working full time.

TBH, I don't understand why she expects her mum to understand something she's never experienced.

OP doesn't understand her mum's reality, so why should it work the other way around?

My initial reaction to this is that you must have benefited too. Childhood without financial worries and a mum always there. I grew up with a mother I hardly saw and a lot of financial stress. I would’ve liked your set up!
It is a privilege yes, but there’s also to some degree a rat run pace of life you can opt out of. Take your money, go somewhere far cheaper and have much less than you do now. Make do and mend, grow food, keep animals and live a different life. Not wanting to do so is fine, but there are options.
I changed my life a lot in recent years. I was living the life you describe, but I have moved to one with less earnings and expectations. No nights out, no new clothes, no haircuts or make up etc.
Just be grateful for the start in life you had with someone focused on family.

It's a very different for the working classes. My family lived in an urban industrial town where the women had to work to supplement their husbands' earnings despite having 6 or more children - my great grandmothers worked in nail and brick making factories when their children were young, my grandmothers worked in munitions and engineering factories during and after in the war; a common saying was that their children were 'Granny-reared'. My mother worked in low paid part time cleaning and catering jobs while we were left at home alone from primary age. They all left school at 14 or 15. In contrast I was able to stay on at school, go to university, chose when to start a family and how much mat leave to take.

Wow, you come across as very jealous and disrespectful of your DM. I hope you find a way to let it go.

I think you need to examine your feelings a bit more closely. You sound a little bit jealous and quite resentful of her tbh.

You have no right to any of her money or inheritances, and it makes no odds that she did nothing to deserve the inheritance from the old men who died. Presumably you'll inherit too at some stage and similarly you have done nothing to earn that. No one does anything to earn their inheritance.

It 's also irrelevant how busy or otherwise she appears. Or that she has never worked. She owes you nothing in terms of childcare, help or financial assistance.

As for her comments - you can ignore them or just shrug. So what?

(and i'm saying that as a SP that has no help at all either, from my mother, and who has also told me I'm disinherited!).

OP, I would just try to let it go as much as you can.

My mum had a similar life to yours (she's 73, having had started having children at 20), but with the added whammy of having been happily married to my lovely dad for the whole time.

She also doesn't 'get' work - but she spent a long time caring for her mother before she died, has animals, a show garden, volunteers locally and so on - the main thing being that she does what she likes. I was a bit sad when the DC were younger that were was never any question of them moving closer to us, but they felt they had done their share of child rearing, and were now going to enjoy themselves.

I think the comment about your mum swanning around in hippy dresses with no make-up is a bit unfair as I've managed to navigate the world of work without having to conform completely to the ridiculous expectations that working women should look a particular way (have never worn make-up, and never would).

But I honestly wouldn't let it worry me. You have your life and your family, and your mum is from a different era. Maybe she would actually have liked to do something else but never had the chance? My mum, it turned out, wanted to become a midwife but by then she had children, and my dad and both their families would have been completely scandalised if she'd worked. I think she still feels a bit sorry about it now. So whatever your mum says, things aren't always exactly the way they seem.

@BoredZelda

The point is, the DM "considers that busy-ness to be on par with mine"

When you make allowances for her abilities, it is on a par.

Which is OP's main frustration - her DM simply cannot take on board the realities of working full time.

And OP cannot take on board the realities of aging and her mother’s capabilities.

@BoredZelda

If you made allowance for my abilities, me managing to kick a ball 20 yards up a park would be "on a par" with Marcus Rashford's most brilliant performance.

That doesn't mean that I can't perceive the difference between my ability & a professional athlete's, or imagine that my 20-yard kick took the same amount of dedication & perseverance that it took Marcus to become a superb footballer.

It's not about how much effort it tales the DM to do her dishes & laundry - it's about how she cannot seem to countenance how much doing a 40 hour week on top of that takes out of any working parent.

I agree with most of your points @Waferbiscuit. Your children will admire you as adults. Back in the early 80's, NCT coffee mornings in my area were difficult to fill because so many women were returning to work. Those friends of mine who stayed home and never went back are a bit sad and resentful that they never had a job, particularly once their kids left home.
You have achieved a lot, coping as a single Mum and working full time. Be proud!

I am trying to get my head around the problem. People have different opinions based on their experiences. The real issue is why is your mum's views affecting you so much. As you have said yourself she has had different life experiences to you so a different range of reference. I think the key is in your last bullet point: 'She doesn't help me in any way - financially or with DCs - because she's always too busy doing nothing at all, but she's 'very busy'
I think you resent her for not helping you more when you feel she has both the resources and time to do so.
When I was 30 I asked my mum's advice on ironing something in particular - she said come on daughter you need to learn to iron properly you won't be having a career forever ie at some point daughter you will be looking after a husband and kids. She was serious but I just laughed - of course its insulting and times have changed since she was young but I knew her frame of reference was being a SATM since she was 19 so I wasn't affected by her comment.