Dealing with aftermath of DC witnessing P's loss of temper.

[TheWayHome]

If anyone's awake, I need some advice, perspective and hopefully some future encouragement.

Context: partner of 15 years has a history of periodic anxiety, depression and low moods which are usually fairly well managed with medication, plenty of 'me time' and general pandering. We have 2 DC, 8 and 11. We have recently agreed to separate but haven't been in in a hurry as things haven't been totally dire, but in recognition that it is hard work living together, mainly on account of his MH.

P lost his temper last night, escalated really rapidly over a small misunderstanding, and ended up shouting "Fuck you!" and slamming a door really forcefully into the room where youngest DC and I were sitting eating. DC have never seen anything like this; and were terrified. I'm not at all argumentative or shouty, and P is more likely to be moody and isolate if upset by something, which is still an uncomfortable feature of family life, but much less explosive.

P ended up erratically running around trying to apologise to DC, blaming me, attempting to make a phone call which I knew he would deeply regret, and when I unplugged the phone (it really was for the best before anyone suggests it might have been controlling), making veiled threats, all of which the children heard. He then went upstairs to their room and launched into an emotional 'explanation' of why he'd lost it and how we'd be going our separate ways as there was 'no room' for him in our family. He then retreated to his room for the night. I put DC to bed, acknowledging their feelings, but didn't add to the mess by further explaining. I didn't want to confront P as he seemed quite uncharacteristically unhinged, and I didn't want him to go off on one again, so I have stayed awake / dozed through the night trying to process wtf happened.

In a couple of hours the DC will wake up and wonder what on earth happened and how to be in this awful situation. I am furious with P for his outburst and so uncaringly dumping the separation bomb on our DC, which, as he also dropped in there, will entail selling the house they've lived in all their lives. They're in shock. I'm so angry on their behalf, but in the cold light of morning, I don't want to say or do something that will endanger their future relationship with their dad down the road; they're obviously upset now, but are likely to feel like they still want a relationship with him once things calm down. I'm so angry, I feel he's broken them. I want them to know their feelings are valid without overlaying my own anger and upset on top of theirs. How do I support them with navigating such big feelings of betrayal and loss (and likely fear) now?

I now want to proceed much more quickly with our plans to separate, like today or this week, but want to avoid unsettling the DC further as I've no actual plan yet, and nowhere to go immediately. There is no way P will be going anywhere until he absolutely has to. So how do we stay put and carry on functioning while fast-tracking separation, which, owing to organising house sale and limited finances is likely to drag on for months?

And as for P, perhaps I should be concerned about this turn in his mood and try to get him to seek some help, but all I see is the look on my youngest DC's face when he shouted at me and slammed the door at us, and I feel I'm past caring.

And please don't anyone suggest it was a storm in a tea cup or that it'll blow over; it really doesn't feel like that.

Sorry for the rant, I am trying to be pragmatic and think long term while also feeling incredibly angry.

I don't think anyone will suggest it's a storm in a teacup. Is P on meds? Ow old are your DC?

I would very calmly tell your P that he either seeks medical help today or her leaves the house and you care not a jot where he goes. If necessary phone the police and say you and your children are frightened of your husband. Because you and they are.

How old are DC.

I would suggest when the DC wake up you get out of the house for the day with them, go somewhere green (nature park?).

Sorry (only half awake here) but the children need a calm explanation of what's going on, their fears about the current and future situation allayed. And what AppleKatie said!!

perhaps I should be concerned about this turn in his mood and try to get him to seek some help,

Hasn't he sought help before this ? It sounds like he has been getting plenty of 'me time' and general pandering because you've been mothering him.

Personally I'd be getting out of there, and letting him attend to his own MH issues instead of relying on you .

Give the children a simple explanation without too much scary detail, but do explain that for everyone's sake it's best for you to live apart. I know it's difficult but I'm guessing that you''ve been smoothing things over for years, and now is the time to shine some light on the situation . Good luck.

Thank you two. DC are 8 and 11. P on low dose anxiety meds.
Yes, I will take them out, good idea. Stupidly, the whole thing last night was over making an arrangement for what should have been a good trip out this morning.
Poor DC1 asked if they could speak to their school counsellor on Monday. So upset for them. They've been trying so hard to settle at secondary school, and now this.

Thank you, Starry. Yep, smoothing things over for years. And yes, P has had help previously; counselling, CBT, meds. So knows what to do. Last night was some kind of free fall though, which made it scary.

I think you need to stop protecting their future relationship with their dad and start protecting their current mental health. Just because this is the first time they’ve seen him angry won’t mean they haven’t been affected by his moods already.

XP has no such qualms about protecting your relationship with them. In fact he’s actively trying to damage it. Be honest in an age appropriate way about what is happening. Xp struggles with his emotions and it’s best he leaves now.

I second the option of calling the police to get him to leave. That must have been very frightening for all of you. Look after your dcs and yourself first. You can worry about their relationship with their father when things are settled and he’s left. That’s something to think about down the road. For now you need to get him out ASAP. The longer he stays the more damaged their relationship will be.

You can’t live under his cloud anymore. You sound so exhausted by it and so used to putting his needs before all of yours that you don’t realise you’re doing it.

High,you're right. Last night he told them there was no place for him "because mummy is so stiflingly perfect, and I have to be the baddie". Honestly, I really don't have a 'perfection vibe' at all, but I do try to have some integrity.
In fact, I mouthed to him last night I would call the police if he didn't stop trying to wrestle the phone off me (land line), and now I remember he told the DC I'd threatened him with calling the police too. It all happened so fast, literally all in less than 10 mins, it's a bit of a blur.

I really feel for you. If you can speak to him when he’s calm today you need to tell him that last night he frightened you and the children and that he needs to move out now. Does he have anyone he could stay with short term?

Don’t have the conversation if he’s not able to stay calm. You could always ask a friend over to support you.

Put you and the dcs first from now on. He is prioritising himself so you need to stop prioritising him.

It’s so sad but this is the path he has chosen and it is over now. Once you get through this bit you will feel like a huge weight has lifted. You can’t live together for months waiting for the house to sell. It’s just going to hurt everyone.

Step one is get him out and keep yourselves safe. Things escalated last night and you can’t say for sure they won’t escalate further. You are allowed to call the police when you are scared of what he might do. You are allowed to protect yourself. You are allowed to leave him.

You can do this.

@HighDudgeonAtBerks is right
Your dc need to know you are there for them. That man needs to leave. Have you talked honestly to your dc? Are they low level permanently scared? My dm had similar mental health problems and I was conditioned as a child to always put her first. Her very scary outbursts were few and far between but the permanent worry never went away and as a family we danced to the tune of her potential moods. Having to pretend it was OK as her extreme contrition post explosions demanded left zero room for mine and my siblings actual feelings. If he doesn't leave today you should.

And yet again a diagnosis of anxiety seems to give a man carte blanche to behave like an abusive dickhead and be totally self centred while partner and family have to put up with shitty behaviour and say nothing that might upset the poor 'wounded' soul.

Best wishes to you OP, hope you can get him out today.

He needs to leave; make it really clear and don’t worry about calling the police if you need to do that

It sounds like you’ve been putting up with his shit for way too long

I think you need to stop protecting their future relationship with their dad and start protecting their current mental health. Just because this is the first time they’ve seen him angry won’t mean they haven’t been affected by his moods already.
@HighDudgeonAtBerks is right.
Way too many women put up with way too much because they are afraid their DC4 will be angry with them when they are 12 or 16. Get a grip and deal with the Here and Now.

Your children need safety and security Now. Don't think just because they haven't seen an outburst that they don't know anything is wrong. They have watched you walking on eggshells for a year or more. Children know more than they can express verbally.

when I unplugged the phone (it really was for the best before anyone suggests it might have been controlling)

Something can be for the best, and still be controlling. My husband has every right to try to talk me out of doing something that he (perhaps correctly) thinks is stupid and that I'll regret later. He has absolutely zero right to try to physically prevent me from doing something because he thinks it's stupid and that I'll regret it later. If he ever behaved like that, I'd do a whole lot more than make "veiled threats." Even if he was right about the thing being stupid and me regretting it later, that doesn't mean he has the right to make those decisions for me and then physically force me to comply.

You need to tell P that he's gone too far and needs to leave today for the sake of your children. Be firm and be honest that he scared you all. Walking on eggshells doesn't help anyone and your priority is your children.

Purple, I was trying to protect someone vulnerable (a third party) from receiving a (for that person) late night phone call, which, if what P's intentions were put into action, would have really frightened them.
I did take the possibility of him making such a call away from him as much for the other person's sake as for his.

Hmm. Could SS get him out? My friend is a social worker and she chucked a guy out of his house for 30 days as the children was scared of him. Of course I assume getting them involved is a whole other can of worms.

Whin, Blue, Shox, Georgia and Sore, and High again, thank you for your responses. I'm both so angry and kicking myself; you're right of course. There has been a low level enabling of his need for 'space' and the rest of it for quite some time. And the DC do actually say things like "Have you seen daddy, DC1?" "Soz, DC2, he's taking some time out upstairs." Lots.
Whin, that's exactly what I want to avoid. I'm so sorry you lived through it. DC1 said last night, "That's in my memory forever now." How can it ever be even remotely fine after something like that. They'll be forever wondering if today's the day when he blows up again. You said your mum would expect things to be as normal after an outburst. It must have been so stressful for you and your Dsiblings. I've no idea how our morning will unfold.

Queen, I've a friend who is a social worker too and I'm going to ring him later, just to get some child centred RL feedback.

I think he's deteriorated and needs more or different meds. In a way it's good the kids could see him like this so it's not all come out of nowhere. I know you are angry at him but when out today with kids I would explain that their Dad is not well. I know there is still misunderstanding of mental illness and I'm a bit surprised at everyone saying he should be able to control this. Yes, he does need to seek more help as treatment he's on/ had isn't working properly, but this is also not his fault. Separating is awful at the best of times, let alone if your mental health is not good. The more you push back, the worse he will get. It's not about egg shells but compassion. Imagine this is one of your children in the future and what you would do if it was, and what you would want their partner to do.

I hope you and dc have a good day. Can you indulge yourselves today? Hot chocolate stops, nice lunch and a cinema trip and nature walk.

It's clearly been preying on him that you're separating and they don't know. How long have you both known? These are not small children. They should have been aware of that she their Dad's health. All these secrets isn't very healthy.

@TheWayHome

I'm sorry for the situation you are in.

Firstly, make a plan for you & DC today, away from your partner. Have you a friend / family you could meet?

Secondly, tell him that he needs to leave, the details of your separation can be worked out later. He needs to take control of his own mental health - it sounds like he's used this as an excuse for awful behaviour and to control you.

Thirdly, and not being glib, don't worry so much about the DC. Of course, it wasn't nice. However they have a stable home and a mum they can rely on. One incident like this will not especially affect them as long as you address it, say it won't happen again, and tell them you are taking steps to ensure this.

They'll be forever wondering if today's the day when he blows up again.

I really don't think they will

They may remember it, but one event isn't going to scar them, especially when they are well supported.

What they probably will hate most - mine do / did - is you & P fighting. There have been a number of disagreements with my ex, even since separating & I know the DC hate it & I do everything I can to avoid them. Not always successfully.