Dealing with aftermath of DC witnessing P's loss of temper.

[TheWayHome]

If anyone's awake, I need some advice, perspective and hopefully some future encouragement.

Context: partner of 15 years has a history of periodic anxiety, depression and low moods which are usually fairly well managed with medication, plenty of 'me time' and general pandering. We have 2 DC, 8 and 11. We have recently agreed to separate but haven't been in in a hurry as things haven't been totally dire, but in recognition that it is hard work living together, mainly on account of his MH.

P lost his temper last night, escalated really rapidly over a small misunderstanding, and ended up shouting "Fuck you!" and slamming a door really forcefully into the room where youngest DC and I were sitting eating. DC have never seen anything like this; and were terrified. I'm not at all argumentative or shouty, and P is more likely to be moody and isolate if upset by something, which is still an uncomfortable feature of family life, but much less explosive.

P ended up erratically running around trying to apologise to DC, blaming me, attempting to make a phone call which I knew he would deeply regret, and when I unplugged the phone (it really was for the best before anyone suggests it might have been controlling), making veiled threats, all of which the children heard. He then went upstairs to their room and launched into an emotional 'explanation' of why he'd lost it and how we'd be going our separate ways as there was 'no room' for him in our family. He then retreated to his room for the night. I put DC to bed, acknowledging their feelings, but didn't add to the mess by further explaining. I didn't want to confront P as he seemed quite uncharacteristically unhinged, and I didn't want him to go off on one again, so I have stayed awake / dozed through the night trying to process wtf happened.

In a couple of hours the DC will wake up and wonder what on earth happened and how to be in this awful situation. I am furious with P for his outburst and so uncaringly dumping the separation bomb on our DC, which, as he also dropped in there, will entail selling the house they've lived in all their lives. They're in shock. I'm so angry on their behalf, but in the cold light of morning, I don't want to say or do something that will endanger their future relationship with their dad down the road; they're obviously upset now, but are likely to feel like they still want a relationship with him once things calm down. I'm so angry, I feel he's broken them. I want them to know their feelings are valid without overlaying my own anger and upset on top of theirs. How do I support them with navigating such big feelings of betrayal and loss (and likely fear) now?

I now want to proceed much more quickly with our plans to separate, like today or this week, but want to avoid unsettling the DC further as I've no actual plan yet, and nowhere to go immediately. There is no way P will be going anywhere until he absolutely has to. So how do we stay put and carry on functioning while fast-tracking separation, which, owing to organising house sale and limited finances is likely to drag on for months?

And as for P, perhaps I should be concerned about this turn in his mood and try to get him to seek some help, but all I see is the look on my youngest DC's face when he shouted at me and slammed the door at us, and I feel I'm past caring.

And please don't anyone suggest it was a storm in a tea cup or that it'll blow over; it really doesn't feel like that.

Sorry for the rant, I am trying to be pragmatic and think long term while also feeling incredibly angry.

"Dad isn't well at the moment which is why he said some horrible things but that doesn't ever make it ok for him to say them, to shout at us like that or to make us feel scared, so we are going to live separately to him while he gets some help so you can concentrate on school and friends without having to worry about any shouting or feeling scared."

Maybe that's a child friendly way of explaining for now? Bless you. Your child asking to speak to a school counsellor I know must feel really sad but you've raised a clever wee one there who is in touch with their needs and feels able to articulate and request them - that's fab and something you should be proud of.

I don't think that someone losing their temper, shouting fuck you and slamming a door is that bad. Are there really people on here who never swear or lose their temper in front of their kids? I certainly wouldn't expect that anyone could be mentally damaged by such a thing. Families argue ffs. please tell me you don't have kids.

Wow OP he's mental (I say that as someone with a severe mental health disability.) Maybe he has a personality disorder or maybe it's just one of those things. He needs different meds, and should see a doc or consultant and say what's going on. Go with him if you can, or he might deliberately not accurately describe what he's been like. PP's are right that you need to insist on this, or give some sort of ultimatum if you can think of anything possible.

Thank you for the responses. It is strange but reassuring to see my gut feeling validated. I was worried about 'storm in a tea cup' comments; essentially being told to toughen up.

Had a good day with DC. I reiterated what I'd said last night, that P's behaviour had been wrong and reassuring them. They were able to relax and enjoy being out together, but DC1 made some darkly disparaging remarks about P, which felt too knowing and jaded. DC1 had a good facetime with their best friend on the phone in the car, and it was good to hear them talk so openly.

P left while we were out but will come back to sleep in a bit and leave for work before anyone else gets up. So not great, but at least the DC don't have to see him. Not sure he really gets it, how full on he was and that it was scary. He bloody should, given his field of work. He's doing opposite shifts all week, so won't be around.

We spoke in the afternoon, and he's agreed to speeding up the separation process. He unexpectedly gave me a figure for buying him out as an alternative to selling; it wasn't based on a split of equity, but quite a bit lower, and possibly doable, which makes me wonder what he's thinking. He was a bit all over the place, so I didn't take too much stock of what he was saying, as he chops and changes a lot. Booking two further valuations tomorrow. Will check some calculators for whether I can borrow enough to buy out.

A PP interpreted MiL's cash gift as a sign of closeness; sadly not. She's geographically very far away, and the money is a sort of sad guilt-gift; a late compensation of sorts for wrongs committed decades ago, the repercussions of which are still felt. So although it was given to us, the circumstances in which MiL came to be in possession of it, mean that DP likely feels he has a greater claim on it. And given what it is, I wouldn't necessarily contest it.

PPs who have picked up on the 'perfect' remark; it's not about me being a perfectionist, which I am about as far from as possible; it's him finding me too nice, too reasonable, too polite, too accommodating, too well-regulated, too positive, too conscientious etc. Lots of essentially positive traits which he is inherently suspicious of and feel to be fake. Despite initially being attracted to, and having benefited from all of the above, my 'saintliness' (just being a good person) is a source of intense irritation to him, as he feels it can't possibly be authentic and that it shows him in a less favourable light.

I've been feeling so unsettled at times today, like the wheels are about to come off the cart well and truly, having such a feeling of foreboding. But also hope. At one point, he said "It's alright for you: you will make anywhere into a lovely home where you and the DC will be really happy," and I thought "Yep. That is something I can do."

OP,

I would be very wary of him staying in the family home.

It is completely unnecessary.

Have you looked at short term lets, airbnb, etc?

I think he sounds deeply unstable and highly abusive.

He could go off and any time.

I mean it kindly but I think you are placing his needs ahead of your childrens.

I don't think you can underestimate how damaging to your children this man is.

Your young son is already deeply disturbed and hugely aware of what has been going on.

I think you need to contact 101 and put a marker on your home.

I think at even the slightest hint of him kicking off, you need to call the police and have him removed.

I think you should contact the pastoral care at your childrens school and inform them that they have witnessed highly abusive behaviour from your partner.

That is the right thing to do and would be what a good mother would do.

This abusive man should not be your priority.

He should be out of the home.

Opposite shifts is not enough.
He needs to leave.

I appreciate it is very hard but your children need you to make their home safe for them.

^^what Billy says.
Is he a police officer?