My wife is someone who always likes to be in charge. This has many benefits as she always knows what's going in with holiday arrangements, childcare arrangements, birthday presents, getting costumes for the children's special days at school etc. This I have to admit and I often let her do it and just offer help.
In my defence I do always get told off for something or other when I do get more involved.
I do take charge of many things though, for example the kids clubs is more something I manage and spend much more time taking the children to clubs and doing everything they need for clubs. Housework is split evenly as is cooking.
Both our children are quite needy though and this puts us under stress, they fight quite a bit when they're together and they can lack enthusiasm when they're apart. Increasingly though, the children both relish time apart from each other if they have our full attention for whatever they enjoy the most.
My issue is this though. My wife complains about literally everything that I ever plan and she complains about a lot of the parenting that I do.
With planning things, we have a calendar app for things that we plan and the rule is basically if either of us put something in the calendar for the benefit of the family or children then we comit to doing that thing. If either of us wants to say do our own sport or social activity then we ask first.
The problem is it only works 1 way. When my wife plans anything for herself or for the family or children, I am always happy with it. Everything I put in the calendar or plan at all gets criticised and will apparently be at the wrong time, wrong weather, wrong people or too much for the children to cope with in her view. If my wife has a weekend or a day away I'm genuinely fine with it a nice about it. If I want even 1 day to do something (I have less time doing my own interests than my wife has so I am not asking too often) then my wife huffs and puffs and sighs and complains about the things she had to do when I get back, brings it up weeks after because for whatever reason she thinks me having any time away is trickier than the times she has away.
We have lost many friends over the years because of my wife. If I arrange anything with friends she just complains to me about the arrangements or is in a huff with me when we meet those friends. She just gets on my case about everything I plan from a walk in the country to having friends over for dinner. When she has a few friends over I leave them to it or get them drinks or whatever. My wife has managed to lose me potential friends over the years by her being so grumpy it's just rude and my friends don't come back. She has also cost my children friends by contacting their parents and making endless points about the time, place or group that they meet. My children's friends are always nice, she's not worried about their safety, but is more trying to micro manage the group dynamic. It has got to the point where some of my children's (few) friends don't reply to them and the parents stop talking to us. I will be honest here, my wife has had a valid point at times but for example there will be a slightly moany child and my wife is trying to manage it so that child is not there when my children meet the rest of their friendship group. The parents obviously work this out and take offence so that the next thing that happens is our child or children are excluded (not the child or children who my wife was trying to exclude).
Again, for balance, I must say my wife has made friends and contributed to the friendship groups we do have. It is sad to simply ruin other friendships though and we don't have any close or regular friendships.
Other problems have been that my wife is a very very bad loser. I have always known this and she used to admit it freely before children. It is totally embarrassing now in front of the children though. If a game relies on luck she will complain through the entire game that she is unlucky. If the game relies on interaction like say cards where you pick up cards that people put down, she will say I'm going out of my way to ruin her game. There's always a reason and so she often makes our family time together miserable when it should he fun family game time. My children have grown up with this example and so now they are like her but not as bad. This ruins anything from a family game of crazy golf on holiday to having a kick about with a football or playing cards as a family. If my wife is there then as a rule there's a good chance that games will be horrible and moaning with her and children bickering and me being nice but having snide remarks aimed at me by my wife normally but also by the children who have learned this way of behaving
I feel sick that I have committed so much only to be treated like this but I could not walk out on my children.
Every time I challenge my wife about being a bad loser she admits it but says it's my fault because I don't make her feel loved.
When I point out that everything I plan from a holiday to arranging to meet friends for a walk is criticised she denies it and if I give examples she just has a list of reasons why I did make this that or the other planning mistake. She accuses me of not doing enough parenting (of children when they argue etc), not enough planning of days out or holidays and not taking part in fun activities but then she is on my case when I do those things. The children literally repeat her criticisms of me when I speak nicely to them and am offering my help and attention.
I have no real idea what to do now. How does this sound to an outsider?