Red flag new boyfriend (2)

[Neverkins]

Original thread here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4368892-To-be-beginning-to-have-a-bad-feeling-about-new-boyfriend

Sorry, it’s taken me a while to realise the previous thread filled up whilst I was out last night and it’s also been moved here. I’m a bit reluctant to make a ‘part 2’ thread as I hope there won’t be much more to come in terms of updates, but I really am so grateful for all of the wisdom and encouragement so many of you provided yesterday that if nothing else, I want to let you know that I’m safe and ok!

I haven’t spoken to him or replied to any of his messages, even though it’s difficult not to keep telling him to piss off. I received a long email from him overnight, which I did skim read as I wanted to check it didn’t contain anything threatening, which fortunately it didn’t. Highlights of the email included his realisation that he has a drink problem and wants to get better, but doesn’t think he can do it by himself and knows I would be a great support. There is obvious manipulation here as I had a family member who almost died from alcoholism a few years ago, who I had to care for for a while. He’s also disappointed that I’m so rude I wouldn’t even thank him for the flowers, as ‘everybody’ thinks I’m so kind and polite but actually I’m quite stuck up. He doesn’t know what he possibly could have done to upset me so is worried about me.

The email doesn’t bother me much, but what does is that overnight he has changed his profile picture on Facebook to a photo of us in bed together (clothed fortunately), but again with me asleep. Just our faces and it’s not an objectively bad/inappropriate photo or anything, but he absolutely would know how much it would bother me to see. We’re not even friends on Facebook because he said he didn’t want his ‘crazy’ wife to be able to contact me. If he’s trying any old tactic to get me to talk to him, he’s close to succeeding as I’m really upset about the photo. I will try my best to continue ignoring him though. No texts or calls today, so maybe last night was as bad as it will get, in which case I would consider myself quite lucky.

I would get onto Facebook immediately and report that photo.

Can you click on the fb photo and report it? Not sure if that's giving him a reaction if it's (temporarily) taken down though... ie he would known you've seen it.

Ugh. What a manipulative turd.

I agree report the photo and see if you can get it removed.

Don't engage with him at all, and don't threaten him with anything, just do not respond to anything that he says/does. Just keep a log in a notebook of dates of texts, emails, flowers, photo uploaded etc. Just ignore ignore ignore. He is trying to reel you back in any way that he can, so please don't acknowledge anything. If he threatens suicide at any point, then contact the police and say tell them and let them deal with it.

There has to be at least 2 incidents of specific definite harassment to you before the police will acknowledge it as such, so just keep a record of everything and then if it escalates at all, you have a timeline for them.

Hopefully he will get bored and give up once he realises that you are not interested and are not going to respond to him.

What a dick. He has moved from the nice stage, to the manipulative stage, the anger will be next. Hopefully he stops after that, but they usually cycle through them again.

Report the photo and I'd seriously consider informing the police about his harassment to hopefully put a stop to all of this before he switches tactics again.

Yes, report it to Facebook. He’s really pulling out all the stops isn’t he? Trying to guilt, threaten and manipulate you into talking to him. Good job you are on top of it all and not falling for it, well done as it takes real strength to withstand such an onslaught of abusive tactics like this.

Wishing you all the best, lI think you’re handling it brilliantly. Only thing I might suggest is now it could be time to block him everywhere.

If he does contact you again, inform him that any further contact will be considered harassment and reported to the police.

He sounds absolutely fucking mental. A particularly nasty narcissist, attempting to headfuck you.

I'd get one of those camera doorbells if I were you.
And don't be slow to contact the police uf he shows up.

Also, if he hasn't already, he will likely attempt to contact your family/friends looking for an 'in'. So is warn the ones close to you whats what. And don't tell anyone who can't be trusted not to blab, anything you wouldn't want him knowing.

Report the photo to FB.

In your case I’d almost be tempted to contact the police as this man sounds so unhinged. Camera doorbell too.

I am actually quite worried about you and would be almost tempted to get you to either stay with friends and family or get them to stay with you, until this has died down a bit. Take care.

Yikes 😬

He is such a tool.

He’s told on himself earlier than I expected, OP. Basically name calling calling you stuck up because you didn’t respond to his emotional blackmail, and now the photo. He’s trying everything to get a reaction from you, negative or otherwise.

I don’t know if you saw my long post on your previous thread but unfortunately mine went exactly the same way, even down to the profile picture, although he changed it on WhatsApp as opposed to Facebook as I didn’t add him on mine - he didn’t want his ex seeing it … similar story to yours so I read earlier?

I blocked mine eventually but only after a few weeks had passed and he was relentless with the emotional blackmail, the pleading and eventually suicide threats. I didn’t get the police involved as he backed off after I threatened him that I would and I blocked him. Op I think it’s in your best interests to tell everyone you think he’ll speak to so they are aware and block him. Once you’ve done that he may try and speak to other people to get to you (mine tried that and thankfully I’d already told them what he was like) but at least you won’t have to deal with the messages. I told myself I wouldn’t block mine so that he would have an outlet but I should have just blocked him from the start as they are going to get annoyed whether you block him now or later.

Good luck OP rooting for you.

Thank you for letting us know you're ok. He does sound dangerous. Do you know who his ex wife is? Would you talk to her? That might be a crazy idea, but if he has anything like a criminal record related to her then police might be interested in what he's doing with you now. Keep a screenshot of the Facebook thing in case he deletes it. Screenshot all his messages or back them up somewhere. You can 'export chat' on Whatsapp to your email. Change your passwords to everything if there's any chance you think he knows any of them.

You could do a Clare's Law request if you didn't want to approach the ex. Personally I think you need to know the level you're dealing with here. Though even if it comes back clear that sadly doesn't mean he's any less dangerous.

It sounds simple OP but you need to take control of his access to you and block him on social media/your phone. Limit his access to you and yours to him (avoid FB snooping if you can, it does you no good). Because he has access to you, he's now trying to trigger you into contacting him again - the email/FB image is, at its core, an attempt to elicit an emotional reaction from you, he's trying to manoeuvre you into contacting him. Report the image to FB but don't engage with him and block him so that you're not exposed to any more of crap from him. You've handled this so well, don't let him manipulate you.

He’s trying to get a reaction so best not to give it to him. Just block and ignore. If it escalates then report it to the police.

He's not going to suddenly become a nice, decent, or reasonable person. He's just going to keep upping the ante, hoping at some point you will crack. Better to block the cock than to fool yourself you are just keeping an eye on things.

@Missusblusky1 thank you, yes I did see your previous message and can certainly see the similarities. Sorry you had to go through that, though pleased to hear you didn’t need to involve the police to get rid of him. I’m still hoping it won’t be necessary for me. I think blocking him would be good for me, but not sure I’m brave enough yet. I’ve deactivated my Facebook profile as I sort of wanted to block his ability to easily contact my family and friends. He knows various people in my life so would have other ways, but Facebook makes it too easy, even though I’m pretty sure my profile was as locked down as possible anyway. I hardly ever use Facebook anymore so it’s no big loss.

@BiLuminous I do know of his ex wife, but only from seeing her tagged on his Facebook profile over the years, so really only know her name and face. Ex did say that she deleted her Facebook a few months ago so I have no way of contacting her easily, though I’m not sure I’d want to anyway. It would get back to him and I wouldn’t like that. One of my sisters is good friends with a friend of hers, but that’s my closest link.

I really don’t know too many details about what happened in their marriage, except that he suspected she was cheating on him. I obviously have no idea if this was true, or what actually precipitated her throwing him out so suddenly. I know the police were called on that night and that his parents had to go and retrieve his possessions from the the front garden the next morning as the police asked him to stay away. The way he framed it was that the marriage had been falling apart for months, he accused her of cheating and she threw him out. It’s hard to get my head around as I know that his parents really don’t like the wife at all (they may have been fed a pack of lies about her, of course) and were very happy that the marriage is over. I’ve seen messages from his mum talking about how she’s so happy he got rid of her and moved on to someone better!

Despite all of this, I’m still not overly worried about my own personal safety and and quietly hopeful I’ll not have to see him again. I’m staying away from home again tonight - I’d love to go and visit my parents but don’t want to be in the same town as him. I will do small things like go to work at a different time on Monday. I usually do exactly the same things at the same time each day so will vary my schedule a little, until I’m sure things are quieting.

It smells like BS, a person like him (he fits the category of an abuser very well from what you have written) would never say it was his fault. Cheating is the easy, obvious lie. He isn't going to tell his mum it either. However, it could also be true but the lie aspect is still something to bear in mind if he continues to contact you.

Staying away from your home, not blocking him in case he comes to your home/needing to know what his next move is, changing your routine etc seems like you're afraid of him. Yet you keep saying you're not worried about your safety. Are you sure about that?

One thing I came to realise in recent weeks is that he’s lazy, and will put the bare minimum effort into most things he does. This is actually one of the reasons I guessed he was lying about his own income - he’s self employed but I pretty much never saw him work. Considering his specific profession, that doesn’t add up unless he’s running a bit of a business empire, which I’m sure I’d know about. All this is to say, I’d be surprised if he bothered to make physical efforts to stalk me. I really hope I’m not wrong.

Keep a diary of all his actions. Just in case.

I hope you are too. I didn't mean that question in a snarky way, just to challenge your thinking. Given the statistics on femicide I just really worry when men start behaving like this and I want you to be safe

arent*

@BiLuminous

It smells like BS, a person like him (he fits the category of an abuser very well from what you have written) would never say it was his fault. Cheating is the easy, obvious lie. He isn't going to tell his mum it either. However, it could also be true but the lie aspect is still something to bear in mind if he continues to contact you.

Staying away from your home, not blocking him in case he comes to your home/needing to know what his next move is, changing your routine etc seems like you're afraid of him. Yet you keep saying you're not worried about your safety. Are you sure about that?

I don’t think I’m scared. I just really really don’t want to see him. It’s like I suddenly see him as a completely different person and all I feel is revulsion and desperation for this to be completely over. I’ve never had a bad break up and never dealt with a horrible man before, and the fairly instant switch in my own feelings is odd to me. I’m not scared, just embarrassed and almost disgusted.

I’m trying to take on board the comments from so many people concerned for me and not dismiss them, whilst also not letting my fear escalate beyond reason. It’s a balance that I may be getting all wrong. I’m also tired and not expressing myself that well today 😖

I’m really grateful for all the input and advice, by the way.

Well done. I bet you feel like a weight is slowly being lifted. You’re doing well to not engage him- he will twist whatever you say.

I am so relieved you are doing this now. If it feels difficult just now imagine what it would be like getting out years down the line 💐

If he’s trying any old tactic to get me to talk to him, he’s close to succeeding as I’m really upset about the photo.

Ugh he's such a manipulative prick.

When finally blocked on everything, an ex of mine liked to put money in my account (only a few quid each time because despite his apparent desperation to speak to me he was still a tight bastard) with messages in the 'payment reference' bit. Ended up with loads of £5 transactions called things like 'sorry' and 'pls call' and my personal favourite 'help me' 🙄

I echo others that he may well escalate so I would consider getting some advice from 101 on this, saying you're concerned and would just like to know how you can keep yourself safe etc.

If it does escalate I would always advise calling the Suzy Lamplugh Trust who were an amazing support when I was a victim of stalking. Mine was by a stranger so different circumstances but they're incredible at advising on any kind of harassment.

Poor you, sorry you're having to deal with this.