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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Red flag new boyfriend (2)

83 replies

Neverkins · 09/10/2021 11:16

Original thread here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4368892-To-be-beginning-to-have-a-bad-feeling-about-new-boyfriend

Sorry, it’s taken me a while to realise the previous thread filled up whilst I was out last night and it’s also been moved here. I’m a bit reluctant to make a ‘part 2’ thread as I hope there won’t be much more to come in terms of updates, but I really am so grateful for all of the wisdom and encouragement so many of you provided yesterday that if nothing else, I want to let you know that I’m safe and ok!

I haven’t spoken to him or replied to any of his messages, even though it’s difficult not to keep telling him to piss off. I received a long email from him overnight, which I did skim read as I wanted to check it didn’t contain anything threatening, which fortunately it didn’t. Highlights of the email included his realisation that he has a drink problem and wants to get better, but doesn’t think he can do it by himself and knows I would be a great support. There is obvious manipulation here as I had a family member who almost died from alcoholism a few years ago, who I had to care for for a while. He’s also disappointed that I’m so rude I wouldn’t even thank him for the flowers, as ‘everybody’ thinks I’m so kind and polite but actually I’m quite stuck up. He doesn’t know what he possibly could have done to upset me so is worried about me.

The email doesn’t bother me much, but what does is that overnight he has changed his profile picture on Facebook to a photo of us in bed together (clothed fortunately), but again with me asleep. Just our faces and it’s not an objectively bad/inappropriate photo or anything, but he absolutely would know how much it would bother me to see. We’re not even friends on Facebook because he said he didn’t want his ‘crazy’ wife to be able to contact me. If he’s trying any old tactic to get me to talk to him, he’s close to succeeding as I’m really upset about the photo. I will try my best to continue ignoring him though. No texts or calls today, so maybe last night was as bad as it will get, in which case I would consider myself quite lucky.

OP posts:
FluffyTeddyBear · 09/10/2021 14:59

Thanks for the update OP.

God he’s disgusting.

thecatsarecrazy · 09/10/2021 15:12

Please block him op. If you don't he will take it as your keeping the door open.
You did the hard part and told him it was over. The flowers, and I'm worried about you are the hoovering. He obviously doesn't have another supply yet.
I know how much of a head fuck they cause. The no sex thing stuck out for me. I was involved with a narcissist for a year. It was long distance tho. When we met he said he didn't want to sleep together on the first date to prove he didn't just want to get into my pants. He kept going on about how he's not a 2 pump chump, and how he would be angry with himself If he left me unfulfilled.. but I think he actually doesn't give a monkeys about being with a woman. I think he's happy using his hand and pleasing himself. He liked me to talk dirty and send him pictures or videos which now I'm disgusted in myself for being so bloody stupid.
Block him before he gets crazy

ItsNotNormalLove · 09/10/2021 16:25

"except that he suspected she was cheating on him. I obviously have no idea if this was true, or what actually precipitated her throwing him out so suddenly. I know the police were called on that night and that his parents had to go and retrieve his possessions from the the front garden the next morning as the police asked him to stay away. "

To me this absolutely SCREAMS that the ex wife found out HE was cheating on HER. He cheated, she found out and wasn't going to stand for it so threw him out, he became threatening or harassing so she called the police. She put his possessions outside for him to collect. He told his parents she had cheated on him so they took his side and hated her from then on. It seems really obvious to me.

I'm glad for you that you've dumped his creepy arse OP.

Missusblusky1 · 09/10/2021 17:01

Hi OP, it’s funny how they all seem alike; mine was very lazy too, used to let me walk home by myself on my own at midnight, back to my home over 2 miles away because he was too tired and “didn’t want to seem a chauvinistic pig by insinuating a woman couldn’t look after herself” Hmm

Anyway everything aside apart from the rumour spreading and telling everyone lies about me, as soon as I blocked my ex he moved on very very quickly - and was sure to let everyone know about it so it got back to me. He also lied about his ex and mother of his children as well and as far as I know they want nothing to do with him and are thriving whilst he’s moved in with a new woman he met online after a few weeks!

As soon as you block him and cut all contact he’ll have to no choice but to find another supply - and away from you.

I still see mine occasionally but not very often but he hasn’t bothered stalking me or harassing me any more, as I was very clear in that a) I would get the police involved if he did and b) made sure all the people he told lies to knew the truth.

Hope you’re okay OP.

Cindi85 · 09/10/2021 17:34

Regarding fear, trust your instincts. It's good you don't feel scared - people on here are responding to you from their own experiences which are different to yours so they don't know the situation better than you do. You sound very switched on about the whole thing. Well done for seeing him for who he is so quickly, it takes some people a lot longer. Hope it all blows over soon.

ShuddaBeenMe · 09/10/2021 18:23

Ignore the photo. Facebook won't remove it.

Don't contact him.

Journeynotdestination · 09/10/2021 18:36

My abusive ex sent me flowers when I ended it, 2 bunches, and called me ignorant for not saying thank you. He got very angry. Then came suicide threats, coming to my house to get his washbag & pleading with me to see him. Ended up calling me a witch & cretin for not getting back with him. They all have the same script!! He’d been financially abusive and violent in the past (police called etc) and it took me 4 attempts to leave him before I finally did. Best decision and it affects me less & less almost 2 years later.

Well done OP for getting out, realising your worth and keeping your boundaries strong.

DressBitch · 09/10/2021 19:01

I know it's not the worst thing he's done but there's something sinister and creepy about the Facebook photo in particular.

MumDad1958 · 09/10/2021 19:09

You are dealing with this so well. Keep doing what you are doing & he will hopefully give up.

plesiosaurus · 09/10/2021 19:17

The photo is just creepy.

wobblywinelover · 09/10/2021 19:50

You are doing so well, hope you are safe tonight? been following your thread

Howshouldibehave · 09/10/2021 20:07

You’re doing well!

COPPER3 · 09/10/2021 20:14

Keep strong my love!

bedroomnc · 09/10/2021 20:17

Glad you're ok op

TacCat49 · 09/10/2021 20:22

Isn't it questionable that he didn't friend you on FB because he didn't want his crazy wife to know about you. Now he has put a picture of you two on FB and OK the ex wife won't know who you are but would now be aware that there is/has been another woman on the scene. His story is falling apart isn't it?

Original poster
Neverkins · 09/10/2021 21:05

@TacCat49

Isn't it questionable that he didn't friend you on FB because he didn't want his crazy wife to know about you. Now he has put a picture of you two on FB and OK the ex wife won't know who you are but would now be aware that there is/has been another woman on the scene. His story is falling apart isn't it?
When I believed his story about his wife cheating and being a bit volatile/‘crazy’ (his term, naturally) it seemed like he was being protective of me in keeping me off his Facebook page. I’ve barely used Facebook for years so was happy with us being private, though he told his close friends and family about me right from the start. Word reached her anyway, as it came back to him via friends that she was aware of me.

She deleted her own Facebook profile soon after they split (I think) and it’s still gone. Perhaps she was trying to prevent him contacting her too. I know she blocked his number as he once used my phone to text her about some possessions of his she thought he’d stolen and wanted back. I now feel bad about this as she’s probably not the horrible person he told me she was and I didn’t actually see the content of the text he sent so I only have his word that it was cordial. I know she hasn’t spoken to him once since the night she kicked him out, which he seemed more confused about than angry. He got his mum to send various letters and emails about the missing possessions too, all of which went unanswered. Whatever really happened between them she clearly never wants to speak to him again.

Only one message from him today, saying I owe it to ‘us’ to meet him and talk things through. He doesn’t know I’ve read it, and I’m not going to reply.

OP posts:
TacCat49 · 09/10/2021 21:14

You are doing really, really well at ignoring him. Keep up the good work for your own safety and piece of mind.

FatAnneTheDealer · 09/10/2021 21:59

If you are tagged in the photo FB will un tag you - in fact you can do that yourself. If you aren’t tagged, I don’t think they will delete it. If you “unfriend” him on Facebook, your friends - those who haven’t seen it already - won’t get it in their “feed” so that spread will gradually diminish.

I am so sorry about all this, but, of course, you knew it would happen - you predicted he would be hard to break up with it. He won’t give you up easily. It sounds like you are doing all the right things (and have properly exorcised this demon from your past!)

It’s good to hear that you are safe. Good luck, stay strong, and whatever you do, don’t contact him in any way (unless it seriously escalates, and then only via your solicitor. Never ever again in person. And that kind of escalation really is unlikely, given what you say about his laziness.

Take care!

ChristmasPlanning · 09/10/2021 22:47

Well done on ending it

RevolvingPivot · 09/10/2021 23:17

@FatAnneTheDealer

If you are tagged in the photo FB will un tag you - in fact you can do that yourself. If you aren’t tagged, I don’t think they will delete it. If you “unfriend” him on Facebook, your friends - those who haven’t seen it already - won’t get it in their “feed” so that spread will gradually diminish.

I am so sorry about all this, but, of course, you knew it would happen - you predicted he would be hard to break up with it. He won’t give you up easily. It sounds like you are doing all the right things (and have properly exorcised this demon from your past!)

It’s good to hear that you are safe. Good luck, stay strong, and whatever you do, don’t contact him in any way (unless it seriously escalates, and then only via your solicitor. Never ever again in person. And that kind of escalation really is unlikely, given what you say about his laziness.

Take care!

She can't unfriend him. They were never friends.
FluffyWhiteBird · 09/10/2021 23:23

If the FB photo isn't compromising, I'd ignore it. He could have put it there to see if you'd react. He wants a reaction. If you get it removed, you've given him one. Then he'll use FB to get at you again.

You want him to realise FB will get him nowhere, then he'll stop using it to try to get at you and you'll hopefully feel comfortable blocking him on there at that point. He could be constantly checking whether you've blocked him yet and the fact you haven't gives him hope.

When I had zero contact with my abusive ex for a year, I removed him from my friends list (I rarely used FB and did a friend list cull), he texted me the same day. Yours is also possibly monitoring how much you've disengaged from him. Don't give him the reactions he wants.

You don't need to police him, let the police police him. Call them if he turns up at your home. Not if he turns up and won't leave. That means you'd have engaged with him in some way to ask him to leave, which means he's got what he wanted a reaction/response and he'll do it again and again. Calling the police, that's your response. Nothing in it for him except the unpleasant visit from police means he's more likely to stop.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 09/10/2021 23:23

Well done for staying strong through all of this. Hopefully he will give up contacting you soon and realise you can’t be manipulated into changing your mind.

QueenBee52 · 09/10/2021 23:29

Glad you're still here and talking OP 🌸

Wineandroses3 · 09/10/2021 23:33

I would put in on record that you have told him to remove your image from his Facebook profile. I think you need to be crystal clear that 1. You have told him yo STOP contacting you 2. Remove your image from his Facebook profile. I would tell him if he does not respect your wishes you will take this further by contacting the police. I briefly dated one like this, got rid quickly but he continued to call me off a private number at all hours in the night randomly and wouldn’t say anything when I answered him, it frightened me cos I lived alone at the time. Anyway I rang his number and left a voice mail and made up some blag the police are tracing the calls, I never received one more “private number” call in the middle of the night after that.

BudrosBudrosGalli · 09/10/2021 23:51

Just so pleased OP that you have listened to your gut instinct and voiced it here. Whatever some posts may say, I think you were quite astute and actually reacted fairly quickly, compared to so many of us that ignored those same niggles and spent years being emotionally and physically abused, losing our sanity, and all too often our hard-earned savings.

Every single thing this wanksock is doing now is to elicit some kind of response. Just as with the flowers, just ignore the FB photo and anything else he might do next. Don't react. Keep a record by all means but you don't have to give him any further notice, you already did that twice.