Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Red flag new boyfriend (2)

83 replies

Neverkins · 09/10/2021 11:16

Original thread here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4368892-To-be-beginning-to-have-a-bad-feeling-about-new-boyfriend

Sorry, it’s taken me a while to realise the previous thread filled up whilst I was out last night and it’s also been moved here. I’m a bit reluctant to make a ‘part 2’ thread as I hope there won’t be much more to come in terms of updates, but I really am so grateful for all of the wisdom and encouragement so many of you provided yesterday that if nothing else, I want to let you know that I’m safe and ok!

I haven’t spoken to him or replied to any of his messages, even though it’s difficult not to keep telling him to piss off. I received a long email from him overnight, which I did skim read as I wanted to check it didn’t contain anything threatening, which fortunately it didn’t. Highlights of the email included his realisation that he has a drink problem and wants to get better, but doesn’t think he can do it by himself and knows I would be a great support. There is obvious manipulation here as I had a family member who almost died from alcoholism a few years ago, who I had to care for for a while. He’s also disappointed that I’m so rude I wouldn’t even thank him for the flowers, as ‘everybody’ thinks I’m so kind and polite but actually I’m quite stuck up. He doesn’t know what he possibly could have done to upset me so is worried about me.

The email doesn’t bother me much, but what does is that overnight he has changed his profile picture on Facebook to a photo of us in bed together (clothed fortunately), but again with me asleep. Just our faces and it’s not an objectively bad/inappropriate photo or anything, but he absolutely would know how much it would bother me to see. We’re not even friends on Facebook because he said he didn’t want his ‘crazy’ wife to be able to contact me. If he’s trying any old tactic to get me to talk to him, he’s close to succeeding as I’m really upset about the photo. I will try my best to continue ignoring him though. No texts or calls today, so maybe last night was as bad as it will get, in which case I would consider myself quite lucky.

OP posts:

Moooning · 10/10/2021 00:05

Legendary display of sisterhood. Hats off to all of you, especially you OP.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/10/2021 00:54

He was very interested in your finances. As a precaution I’d get a new bank card, cancel the one he used, change your passwords and keep a close eye on your accounts particularly things like Amazon. There’s probably a website with more advice.
I say this not to frighten you, it may not be necessary but it will be comforting to know you have protected yourself.
Good for you standing up for yourself.
If you are feeling bad about being taken in, there’s a quiet satisfaction in that he really thought everything was going his way splendidly.
It will knock his lizardy confidence for six to find that none of his tried and tested methods are working.

Mulhollandmagoo · 10/10/2021 01:01

I think if you report the photo there is an option for something like I didn't consent to this photo or something and it will take. It down? Otherwise just block him in there and don't rise, that's what he's trying so desperately to do is to get a rise out of you so he can engage in conversation with him.

You're doing so well at keeping your cool and ignoring him 🤞 he gives up quickly and easily

expat101 · 10/10/2021 02:20

The police advise to me when they came out re the neighbour was to block them on all social media and email accounts so “they” couldn’t get in further contact and if “they” approached us, we were to ignore them.

Unfortunately “they” have since befriended the new owners of the property on fb so it goes to show the desperation and lengths that these types will drop to, if need be. It’s quite possible your ex will try and find that mutual contact so best ensure everyone knows it’s over.

Touching on the subject of lazy, this was our neighbour to a T. All care of the property stopped when his ex left (he also bad mouthed her to all and sundry) but with the current wife, he had her convinced he was a builder and was “teaching” her how to renovate so she was painting, landscaping the house on her own and was allocated a set amount to complete each day so she could never talk for long when home.

Justilou1 · 10/10/2021 05:46

I wrote out a very long, considered message for you on the other thread, but it had filled up. He feels entitled to his fantasy future (at your expense) and is starting with wheedling and manipulation. He will become threatening. He also knows a lot about you. Please change your PIN numbers, passwords on all sm, email and bank accounts and your password questions. Make sure that there is no way he can guess the answers (like street you grew up on, mum’s maiden name, etc.) He may threaten to drop in on your parents and show them what the “real you” is like. He’s already implying that he’s spreading rumours and slander about you. Keep detailed notes and screenshot everything. I wouldn’t be surprised if you require police involvement.

anonymousanne · 10/10/2021 06:42

Hi OP. I've read through your responses on both threads. Well done on leaving him... keep going with the total ghosting, he will get the message eventually. Once the angry phase starts it will be really hard because he will put blame for things at your door and you will want to defend yourself but don't react to it... hold strong.
Ignore the Facebook picture. Don't let him know it has bothered you. Most people who would have seen it have already seen it now... plus you may find it an embarrassing photo but no one else will view it in the same light as you anyway or will remember it in any detail.
I know people have suggested you go to the police in the previous thread and I have to agree with these posts. Not to ask them to do anything about it at this stage but more for his behaviour to be on record for any future allegations and building up a profile of his character. Some of the things he has done are very worrying, such as taking naked photos without consent. This could be valuable information in the future to show he has form for this kind of thing should he do so again in a future relationship. The next victim may not be as strong to recognise and get out as early as you have here. Good luck OP and thanks for the update on your safety!

Minionbums · 10/10/2021 06:55

The fact that he used your phone to text his ex but you didn’t see the content of the message - he immediately deleted the message after he sent it? - says to me that he wasn’t asking for ‘lost’ possessions.

RevolvingPivot · 10/10/2021 07:50

Don't report the photo leave it. It will cause drama and a reaction.

If you don't use Facebook often and don't have him as a friend why were you looking at his profile? Was it so you could see where he was?

RandomMess · 10/10/2021 09:28

He was definitely a wanna be cocklodger and I reckon that is a big reason his ex kicked him out plus he probably did something last straw like was messaging other women/had an affair.

Well done for holding firm on not responding to his manipulation.

storkstalk · 10/10/2021 10:05

@Minionbums

Agree with this. I imagine there is a lot more to the ex story and I think he’s told you a lie about it being her cheating. You’ve had a lucky escape and it’s great you noticed early on. If he does start to be aggressive definitely involve the police straight away, they should take it seriously particularly as his ex also had to get them involved.

DuchessOfDisaster · 10/10/2021 10:51

I didn't read beyond your first post on your original thread. I didn't need to. I also got back in contact with two men from my teenage years who didn't seem to be into me then. Now, I realise it was a second chance at a lucky escape from each of them. I had painted both of them as great catches, the ones that got away, hot stuff etc and thought how lucky I was to finally get a chance with them. Both of them turned out to be weird, pervy and sex-obsessed. I discovered one had a criminal record and after I ended it he added to that - with bells on (sex offences),

It's that "finally I have a chance" that keeps you hooked. Don't, just don't. I feel liberated - it was a second chance to see them for the losers they were and get them out of my system for ever.

FatCatThinCat · 10/10/2021 12:37

You're doing so well OP. Keep being strong and don't let this manipulative arse back in.

wobblywinelover · 10/10/2021 17:19

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

He was very interested in your finances. As a precaution I’d get a new bank card, cancel the one he used, change your passwords and keep a close eye on your accounts particularly things like Amazon. There’s probably a website with more advice. I say this not to frighten you, it may not be necessary but it will be comforting to know you have protected yourself. Good for you standing up for yourself. If you are feeling bad about being taken in, there’s a quiet satisfaction in that he really thought everything was going his way splendidly. It will knock his lizardy confidence for six to find that none of his tried and tested methods are working.

if I could like this a million times over I would. Very wise words :-)

Original poster

Neverkins · 10/10/2021 17:47

Sorry for not being able to reply individually to all of your messages, but I have read them all closely and am very grateful for all of them, especially those from people who’ve dealt with similar characters.

He sent me a message last night saying “You should have met me for a drink tonight. Ironically I’ve just been asked out by a [my job title] at [my firm]!”. I laughed out loud at how pathetic it was and then blocked him. Obviously it probably didn’t happen, and I’m embarrassed that he thinks I would care. What a loser.

@RevolvingPivot I was searching something else on Facebook and his name was at the top when I clicked in the search box as I’ve looked at his profile a few times recently. I spotted his profile picture thumbnail had changed (he’d had the same photo for months/years so it was an obvious change) so had a proper look at it. I deactivated my Facebook profile after I saw it.

OP posts:

QueenBee52 · 10/10/2021 18:12

@Neverkins

@RevolvingPivot I was searching something else on Facebook and his name was at the top when I clicked in the search box as I’ve looked at his profile a few times recently. I spotted his profile picture thumbnail had changed (he’d had the same photo for months/years so it was an obvious change) so had a proper look at it. I deactivated my Facebook profile after I saw it.

Good on you... I hope you are enjoying your own company 🌸

Bounce55 · 10/10/2021 20:47

You're handling it really well OP
I hope gets the message and leaves you alone

Missusblusky1 · 11/10/2021 07:05

Hi OP,

Thanks for your recent update, he really is trying to get you to respond isn’t he? The attempts are really pathetic. Am so so glad you’re seeing him for what he is though - a loser.

Keep not responding and ignoring, I’d imagine he’ll be lining up a new source of supply at the moment as you’re not giving him anything, he’ll just be upset he’s lost his current supply and you’re not doing what he wants, all a controlling power play to him I’m afraid.

I hope you’re feeling alright about things, have you spoken to any people about him yet and warned them?

Missusblusky1 · 11/10/2021 07:08

Apologies, just re-read you’ve blocked him and deactivated your Facebook - so much easier for you to ignore now. Well done. When you do go back on there I would block him immediately so you don’t have to see all the crap he’ll come out with, and he will.

Gonnagetgoing · 11/10/2021 09:42

@Missusblusky1

I would block him on absolutely everything and be prepared for him to try any way to message me, Tik Tok, Pinterest, Linked In etc.

ErrmWTAF · 11/10/2021 10:32

Only just found your freds! Woof, what a piece of work is this [man], amiright, OP? 😁

Hope your Monday had been serene so far. But I go agree with PPs that you really should lock down all your banking info/passwords, and heads-up the police. If anything else happens down the line (more harassment, revenge porn, etc), you'll need this paper trail.

Best of luck. 🤗

RevolvingPivot · 11/10/2021 10:58

@Neverkins

Hi sorry. I hope you didn't think I was being rude .

MidLifeResurgence74 · 11/10/2021 12:13

@Neverkins I've just read all your posts and updates and first off, I'm so sorry this happened to you and I'm so glad that MN was able to help you see the wood for the trees.

Abusive men - and this one also seems narcissistic too - seem to have a playbook and script. The going 'no contact' is utterly vital because they thrive off the responses. It shows (in their petty eyes) that they still have control in some way. But they don't care if that contact is good/bad/angry/teary/frustrated - it all gives them control which they relish.

As many others have suggested, his need for control may escalate into attempts to make you feel sorry for him (suicide), make you feel angry (threatening to expose you), make you feel upset (being nasty about you, calling you names), make you feel nostalgic (bring up things that were fun together) etc.

Stay strong, keep posting here. Remember you are worth a million of this man. You will get through this and one day you'll be in a position where you are in a relationship that is easy and lovely and you'll look back and realise how completely screwed up this man is. I've been there and now a few years' later, I realise I was like the frog in the boiling pot of water - slowly boiling to death but not realising until I managed to hop out.

saleorbouy · 11/10/2021 12:20

You can soon find out the success of his business empire from Companies house, by law he must post the financial records annually.
Hope everything works out for you and you find someone who appreciates you.

thecatsarecrazy · 11/10/2021 14:17

They're all the same these narcs. So full of themselves, think they're the best at everything.
The narc I know is a truck driver and goes on and on about how much he carries, abnormal loads etc. I'm a 40 year old woman, I know nothing about trucks!
He says he has a 10 grand designer wardrobe. But I've only seen him in a pair of grey shorts and Scruffy t shirts. He lives up north in his dad's second house. Divorced well so he says who knows that might be bollocks. And has a son who in his words can't be arsed with...
Energy draining vampires the lot of them.

TheMagicDeckchair · 11/10/2021 14:26

@Neverkins I’ve just read through both of your threads and I want to say I admire your calm and clear headed-ness about this situation.

I had some boyfriends like this in my late teens/early 20s and I didn’t necessarily recognise the abusive nature of the relationships as I was much younger and more immature (as were the men involved), more tolerant of drama and I don’t think that this sort of behaviour was scrutinised as much in the late 90s/early 00s.

Thank you for posting as it’s good to raise awareness of the nature of abusive relationships and the subtleties that might be missed. I hope you are doing ok and he is finally getting the message and leaving you alone.

Flip

1 2 3 4