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Original poster

Husband's online friendship braking up our marriage

88 replies

Figgyzig · 09/10/2021 09:03

Hi, so I don't know where to begin.
2 months ago my husband of 12 years made a online friend a women from a different country (they both stream games) and I noticed there talking was seeming a little more then friend. He kept talking about her all the time. He was constantly private messaging her if he wasn't doing that they where in voice chats watching films or in each others game streams chatting or playing games with each other. While this was going on he basically stopped spending anytime with me and reduced all type of communication as he was to busy taking with this women. I brought the subject up about the amount he was spending with her and how I felt pushed away and replaced and the way he was acting was brining up lots of red flags and I was uncomfortable with the constant messaging. He assured me they where just friends and he didn't realise how much they where talking. And he would calm down with the messaging. But he also told me he had never met anyone like her before that he had connected with they have so much in common and he can talk to her about anything. So as I was reassured in the first half of the convo that comment made me feel worse. Nothing changed although he said he had stopped talking as much but I noticed it even more. We had multiple talks about. He changed his sleep pattern and was sleeping when she did in her country and was awake all night talking to her. (Although he said it wasn't for this reason) he was discussing and still is discussing our relationship with her even after she new how I felt about them talking so much. I asked him if i seen there messages would I be ok with the convo and he said probably not no( there all full of and he said it's all in a friend way I love yous and hearts and him telling her how much he appreciates and thinking about each other and making each other smile and how much they love spending time together from the moment they wake till bed time and he's never gonna not talk to her because she means so much to him. And I asked him if he has told her I am not ok with it all and he didn't respond. So I sent her a message as I felt like he was telling her it was fine and telling me he wouldnt do it constantly we have 2 kids so he's not spending time with them either as his phone was constantly in his had and he was in voice calls with her while I'm at.work and then kids are awake. I just felt like 2 weeks of talking was going no where and I wanted to explaine to her been in American college ( where both in our 30s) that he has 2 kids and he can't talk to her 24/7 and that I'm not ok with the amount they talk.
I never once said they couldn't talk just that there is a time and a place and the amount is way too much. Like I'm worried he's gonna her fired as he's still constantly messaging her at work too.
And everytime we talk I feel like we have moved forward I asked him if they could cool off voice chatting and cut down on the talking while I process my feelings as I do trust him and he has explained some things to me as a lot of his comments made it seem worse then it was his words. And I want to I said I just need sometime as I can't just switch off my feelings and we had 2 days where I think they didn't talk as much and everything seemed really good we connected we talked we snuggles and watched t.c ectect. And then the next day he was back to the same thing. Then asked me if he could watch a movie with her. And I explained as I had 2 days before to give me some more time so I can process everything that's happening. And I was a little annoyed that he would ask when it was 24 hours since our last conversation about this. He seemed.to agree and didn't know why he asked and then where to last night I went to bed and when I came down they where in a voice chat and I flipped out and walke doit of the house in the middle of the night and he didn't really seem to care how much this upsets. There is a lot more info but I think I have typed enough am I just been crazy because he thinks I am. As I don't want to stop him having a friend he gets alone with but I also still want to have my husband actually want to spend time with me as we did all the things he now does with her. But I really think he doesn't care if I leave as long as he has her to talk to. As he told me last night he doesn't understand why I'm upset even after all the convos explaing why and I'm been rediculace because he has a friend and he isn't giving up her friendship for anyone. Any advice from a outside prospective kind regards

OP posts:
ClawedButler · 09/10/2021 09:19

I have some really good male friends. But I don't act this way with ANY of my friends. If it's just a friendship, it is a weirdly intense one. Moreover, you have been quite clear about your wants, needs and feelings, and he has clearly prioritised his relationship with her over his relationship with you.

You know where you stand. Even if there is no romantic connection, his relationship with her is more important to him than you.

If he doesn't understand why you're upset about that, he's either spectacularly stupid, or he doesn't WANT to think about your feelings because they are inconvenient.

You've both been pretty clear. If he chooses his relationship with her over his marriage, then fine. But you are entitled to not want to accept the crumbs of his affection and attention, and to want more for yourself.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/10/2021 09:24

He's having an emotional affair. He's convinced himself that because it's not physical, it's OK.

This book may help: Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Yummypumpkin · 09/10/2021 09:25

When he says "he isn't giving her friendship up for anyone" he is literally telling you she comes first.

I'm sorry.

With people like this you can talk til the cows come home. It will drive you crazy because it isn't a real conversation, where each listens and tries to come up with a solution.

Its denial, truth twisting and insistence.

Stop talking to him about this...

And he has made his choice.

What an idiot he is for sure.

But you can't do this anymore.

GoodnightGrandma · 09/10/2021 09:27

He has made his choice, and it’s not you.

Original poster
Figgyzig · 09/10/2021 09:30

I have stated this as he did this with a coworker a few years ago, and he just keeps saying I don't trust him because of this but it's not that I said the way he's been acting is very similar to the way I noticed that going on too. I brought up him not helping around the house and he started doing that but it felt like he was doing it to make me not bring this up. As he stopped. He also laid on the sofa all-day seeming sad and it was apparently because he thinks he messes everything up and I should leave him but I think it's because I messaged her and he was upset that they had stopped talking as much for like 1 day. And he's even brought up having suicidal thoughts yesterday because of him hurting me but I think he's trying to get me to just say fine it's ok do what you want because he seemed fine after spending all night talking to her again, I'm a bit at a loss as I love him and I've said this but I feel like as I've said to him he is addicted to talking to her.

OP posts:
Hungry675tf · 09/10/2021 09:34

So much emotional manipulation from him to you. He's blaming you for his turmoil. It sounds quite abusive tbh.

What do you get from the relationship?

GoodnightGrandma · 09/10/2021 09:34

Don’t let him use the old ‘suicidal thoughts’ thing, he’s saying that because you are trying to stop him having his addiction - the woman.
So, he’s done this before and he’s doing it again. You’ve stayed with him so you’re allowing it to happen. You need to decide what you want for you and your children, is this what you want ?

Tellmeee · 09/10/2021 09:38

No it’s not fine, not at all and you have been far too understanding about his ‘friend’ and giving him the benefit of the doubt.

He’s completely out of order and I think it’s ultimatum time ie he stops talking to her completely or you split up.

Thatsplentyjack · 09/10/2021 09:43

Hes having a relationship with this wan right in front of you he has basically already left his family. Get rid of him.

CaptainCorelli · 09/10/2021 09:43

I think you need to step away and start the process of separating to make him understand the consequences of what he has done. But to be honest even if he gives up this woman it sounds like he will do it again. I think you would be happier alone. He obviously doesn’t respect you.

RantyAunty · 09/10/2021 09:43

Does he work?

I'd check the bank account to make sure he isn't sending her money.

My ex H did this shit and I got the, you don't want me to have any friends, nonsense.

I'd be asking him to leave. His behaviour is unacceptable.

gamerchick · 09/10/2021 09:45

Doesnt be work?

Personally I'd give him an ultimatum, ditches her completely or packs his bags and buggers off.

No actually I would tell him to just pack his bags and bugger off. But I don't get the sense that you realise you're being walked all over and put up with more than I do.

gamerchick · 09/10/2021 09:45

*he

Etonmessisyum · 09/10/2021 09:49

I wouldn’t trust him either, he’s not giving you much to trust really is he? What kind of man behaves like that in front of his wife and kids? I would not stand for it nor put up with it he’s clearly checking out, if he loved you why would he say those things or disrespect your home by chatting to another woman in the way he does?
There would be no coming back for me from some of those thighs he’s said, and he’s got the cheek to speak to you about trust?
I kkkw it’s hard but really and truly id be telling him the divorce papers will be on their way.

Shakirasma · 09/10/2021 09:59

Let's be clear, this isn't just a friendship (nobody has friendships like this) it's an emotional affair and it's going on right infront of your face. For many people that is even worse than a purely physical affair as he is giving his heart and mind over to somebody else.

He has already made it clear that his relationship with this woman is more important than his one with you. He is giving her much more headspace than he is giving to you. And he has literally told you that he is not going to change that. She is his number one priority now.

So what are you going to do OP? This woman is not going anywhere, your DH has refused to end his relationship with her. That is the situation and you deserve to be treated so much better. So what will you do?

Alcemeg · 09/10/2021 10:03

It would serve him right if his online friend turned out to be some Nigerian scammer. OP, I know you love him, but you deserve better. X

Original poster
Figgyzig · 09/10/2021 10:04

He has a full time job. He also writes articals and reviews for things online and he streams games that's where he met this girl because she also streams games online. I noticed the talking more on Steam before anything else because he didn't realise I actually watched most of them I just didn't talk as it's games I don't play. She has a bf and he is apparnetly ok with how much they talk and I don't believe that one second. She's in college I'm sure she's about 20-21 and in a dorm her bf doesn't live with her. So it also seems weird to me that he's talking so much with someone 10 years younger too I know age is just a number but still.

OP posts:
Original poster
Figgyzig · 09/10/2021 10:07

It would be funny if it was Nigerian scammer but I've listened to them gaming together she doesn't use a cam but I can hear her voice

OP posts:
Original poster
Figgyzig · 09/10/2021 10:18

I'm not sure what to do. That's why I posted here before I came to anything I wanted to make sure what I felt about this situation wasn't me been crazy. And "rediculace because he has a friend" "making me feel guilty for having friends" "making me feel like no matter what I do it's the wrong thing" "i'm so terrible i'm such a terrible human being for having friends" that's the last things he said to me before I walked out of the house for 2 hours in the middle of the night because I didn't want to wake the kids up arguing about him watching stuff with her there was apparnetly others in this chat too and her bf but I only seen him and her in it and he only started speaking in it when I left the room he apparnetly had his mic muted while I was on the sofa

OP posts:
tarasmalatarocks · 09/10/2021 10:20

It probably seems like a bit of glamorous fun to him
If she’s young and in the USA- it’s easy for people to get carried away with this shit. Just dump him OP- he has the manners of a total pig

TeaStory · 09/10/2021 10:22

@Figgyzig

I'm not sure what to do. That's why I posted here before I came to anything I wanted to make sure what I felt about this situation wasn't me been crazy. And "rediculace because he has a friend" "making me feel guilty for having friends" "making me feel like no matter what I do it's the wrong thing" "i'm so terrible i'm such a terrible human being for having friends" that's the last things he said to me before I walked out of the house for 2 hours in the middle of the night because I didn't want to wake the kids up arguing about him watching stuff with her there was apparnetly others in this chat too and her bf but I only seen him and her in it and he only started speaking in it when I left the room he apparnetly had his mic muted while I was on the sofa
This is manipulation. He is manipulating you to feel sorry for him because he is being called on his shitty behaviour. It’s a way of sounding like you are in the wrong and he is oh-so reasonable and hard done by, “boo hoo, my wife won’t let me have any friends”. But of course it’s not like that, is it? He is completely ignoring you and your family to spend time with this woman. That’s not friendship, it’s an emotional affair.
Shakirasma · 09/10/2021 10:29

Well you're not crazy, he is selfish and manipulative. His behaviour is totally unacceptable and disrespectful but he refuses to admit it, even to himself, because he doesn't want to stop.
Your feelings are reasonable and valid, please dont doubt that. I really think you need to end this, while your dignity and self esteem are still some what intact. If you stay too long in this situation you will end up emotionally broken.

Raychelle · 09/10/2021 10:35

So what did she say when you messaged her and explained he has responsibilities etc?

Anordinarymum · 09/10/2021 10:39

He has to end the game or it's game up with you. He will never stop if you don't put a stop to it with a caveat that it never happens again and he is on his 'scarborough' warning.

And mean it because he has disengaged from you - from real life - and he is doing it because he wants to.

VitalsStable · 09/10/2021 10:41

He's having an emotional affair and gaslighting you with talk of suicide hoping you'll back off. He doesn't care that he is making you feel bad, he hopes that by saying he's suicidal you'll be worried snd allow him to carry on.

If he cared about you enough to feel suicidal about the pain he's causing you he'd put you first not ask you to ok with what is for all intents and purposes a date.

There are no other routes here than to tell him if his friendship with her continues then your marriage is over. No contact, no games, no films, no messages. It all stops now or it's over.

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