Husband's online friendship braking up our marriage

[Figgyzig]

Hi, so I don't know where to begin.
2 months ago my husband of 12 years made a online friend a women from a different country (they both stream games) and I noticed there talking was seeming a little more then friend. He kept talking about her all the time. He was constantly private messaging her if he wasn't doing that they where in voice chats watching films or in each others game streams chatting or playing games with each other. While this was going on he basically stopped spending anytime with me and reduced all type of communication as he was to busy taking with this women. I brought the subject up about the amount he was spending with her and how I felt pushed away and replaced and the way he was acting was brining up lots of red flags and I was uncomfortable with the constant messaging. He assured me they where just friends and he didn't realise how much they where talking. And he would calm down with the messaging. But he also told me he had never met anyone like her before that he had connected with they have so much in common and he can talk to her about anything. So as I was reassured in the first half of the convo that comment made me feel worse. Nothing changed although he said he had stopped talking as much but I noticed it even more. We had multiple talks about. He changed his sleep pattern and was sleeping when she did in her country and was awake all night talking to her. (Although he said it wasn't for this reason) he was discussing and still is discussing our relationship with her even after she new how I felt about them talking so much. I asked him if i seen there messages would I be ok with the convo and he said probably not no( there all full of and he said it's all in a friend way I love yous and hearts and him telling her how much he appreciates and thinking about each other and making each other smile and how much they love spending time together from the moment they wake till bed time and he's never gonna not talk to her because she means so much to him. And I asked him if he has told her I am not ok with it all and he didn't respond. So I sent her a message as I felt like he was telling her it was fine and telling me he wouldnt do it constantly we have 2 kids so he's not spending time with them either as his phone was constantly in his had and he was in voice calls with her while I'm at.work and then kids are awake. I just felt like 2 weeks of talking was going no where and I wanted to explaine to her been in American college ( where both in our 30s) that he has 2 kids and he can't talk to her 24/7 and that I'm not ok with the amount they talk.
I never once said they couldn't talk just that there is a time and a place and the amount is way too much. Like I'm worried he's gonna her fired as he's still constantly messaging her at work too.
And everytime we talk I feel like we have moved forward I asked him if they could cool off voice chatting and cut down on the talking while I process my feelings as I do trust him and he has explained some things to me as a lot of his comments made it seem worse then it was his words. And I want to I said I just need sometime as I can't just switch off my feelings and we had 2 days where I think they didn't talk as much and everything seemed really good we connected we talked we snuggles and watched t.c ectect. And then the next day he was back to the same thing. Then asked me if he could watch a movie with her. And I explained as I had 2 days before to give me some more time so I can process everything that's happening. And I was a little annoyed that he would ask when it was 24 hours since our last conversation about this. He seemed.to agree and didn't know why he asked and then where to last night I went to bed and when I came down they where in a voice chat and I flipped out and walke doit of the house in the middle of the night and he didn't really seem to care how much this upsets. There is a lot more info but I think I have typed enough am I just been crazy because he thinks I am. As I don't want to stop him having a friend he gets alone with but I also still want to have my husband actually want to spend time with me as we did all the things he now does with her. But I really think he doesn't care if I leave as long as he has her to talk to. As he told me last night he doesn't understand why I'm upset even after all the convos explaing why and I'm been rediculace because he has a friend and he isn't giving up her friendship for anyone. Any advice from a outside prospective kind regards

This is not normal or acceptable. I would not take that treatment from anyone.

As lots of people say on here - it’s funny how it’s never a 60 year old man with a big old beer belly and rotting teeth who gets them like no one else etc etc.
Do you want to spend your life playing second fiddle to someone else

He's really romantically invested in another woman and will continue to deny things until he finally catches a flight out to see her or until you start seeing nude photographs or sexual messages.

Onbiousky ir depends on the young woman, but Im not sure that a nearly middle aged, separated man with two kids I'd actually going to seem like all that great a prospect for this young uni student who had a boyfriend.

Good for attention, validation, flattery, "support" etc. But if he did visit or vice versa (especially if he visited her and tried to get by in her US college world, with her same age peers) you can imagine the cracks ie different life stages, different zeitgeist, different peer group etc would show relatively quickly.

He's good for ego kibbles, as chump.lafy calls them.(kibbles are US pet treats I think) but would he really be a prospective (Even short) relationship for her; for one thing it would he very long distance and either of them would have to get visas sorted... and work in thatnconntry sorted in order to to able to stay any amount of time (visitor visa is fine, bit how long are you not going to be able to earn .money for).

Though yes that doesn't mean that the emotional affair won't escalate to sexual messages or even images.

Her reaction to you messaging her was amusing... Her having a panic attack and having to call her bf... Dramatic little madam 🤣

I wonder dies she even definitely have a boyfriend or is hd a figment of her imagination/upgraded male friend - he seems to have been dropped intk the panic attack story conveniently so she can say "you see, I'm.not after your partner, it'd just friendship, i actually have a boyfriend" etc.

What makes me wonder also is that young relationships tend to genuine intense and all-consuming; and its hard to see (unless he's a distance) how she finds the time to communicate so much with ops partner while inns steady relationship. Also you'd think.a bf would've become quite teed off by the level and nature of the communication. Who knows.

I had a similar response from my DPs ex...she was all over his FB when we got together, then started posting in jokes (they worked together) on my FB wall

I didn't actually confront her but deleted something she posted on my wall...next thing she's messaging DP saying she never meant to cause any problems and this triggered her anxiety and she was having panic attacks over it. Let's just say I was not sympathetic to the manipulative little drama queen and told DP that no way would I put up with that shit.

When I read her response to you it had the exact same feel to it - she hasnt taken on board anything you said and she now knows he is neglecting his 2 children in order to spend time with her.

He is clearly besotted with her - find out where you stand financially and bin him off. You can do better than this!

@GertietheGherkin

Her reaction to you messaging her was amusing... Her having a panic attack and having to call her bf... Dramatic little madam 🤣

At the end of the day, she's little more than a kid. Isbt the brain not fully developed/matured until 21 or so.

I certainly feel.listening to early 20
Somethings tall is close to listening to adolescents.

Shell only have just been able to even drink legally in the US.

She has little life experience, and little relationship experience and the follies of youth etc.

Op's partner I the culpable one here. The one in a cohabiting ltr with children, behaving like this. And not even for the first time.

Oh BTW I'm.npt saying she's not a little breath, she is. She lacks integrity, but op's partner is by dar the worst one here.

*bitch, obviously

Your H has a girlfriend and he’s dating her right there in your children’s home.

This is outrageous, Figgyzig. He is blatantly cheating. OW is his primary emotional relationship.

This man is a master manipulator. He knows exactly why you are distressed but doesn’t care. He’s addicted to OW and their relationship, so he will say and do whatever it takes to make you shut up and back off. Can you see that this is emotional abuse?

As for OW, her messages (I’m having a panic attack…He’s been there for me) suggest a Damsel/Rescuer dynamic that can be highly intoxicating. He’s hooked.

Figgy, you are being diminished and made a fool of, and and your children are witnessing a very dysfunctional relationship model. In your shoes, I would research your options and formulate an exit strategy.

I have been chatting online in the past and it ruined my previous relationship. I can say it's addictive, obsessive- my ex used to say are you clocking in for your 10 hour shift? When I logged on. I thought I'd met a crowd of lovely people, but in reality it was so so stupid to ruin my real life for my online life. I got pretty close to a few people over my time and although we never met I would say there were lines crossed.

It sounds like your partner is hooked and without some major changes, like going cold turkey, it's not going to change anytime soon.

Oh and he will wake up one morning and say- hell what have I done?! I just hope it's not too late ⏰

How are you coping OP?
It would be lovely to hear from you just to see that you’re coping ok