Husband's online friendship braking up our marriage

[Figgyzig]

Hi, so I don't know where to begin.
2 months ago my husband of 12 years made a online friend a women from a different country (they both stream games) and I noticed there talking was seeming a little more then friend. He kept talking about her all the time. He was constantly private messaging her if he wasn't doing that they where in voice chats watching films or in each others game streams chatting or playing games with each other. While this was going on he basically stopped spending anytime with me and reduced all type of communication as he was to busy taking with this women. I brought the subject up about the amount he was spending with her and how I felt pushed away and replaced and the way he was acting was brining up lots of red flags and I was uncomfortable with the constant messaging. He assured me they where just friends and he didn't realise how much they where talking. And he would calm down with the messaging. But he also told me he had never met anyone like her before that he had connected with they have so much in common and he can talk to her about anything. So as I was reassured in the first half of the convo that comment made me feel worse. Nothing changed although he said he had stopped talking as much but I noticed it even more. We had multiple talks about. He changed his sleep pattern and was sleeping when she did in her country and was awake all night talking to her. (Although he said it wasn't for this reason) he was discussing and still is discussing our relationship with her even after she new how I felt about them talking so much. I asked him if i seen there messages would I be ok with the convo and he said probably not no( there all full of and he said it's all in a friend way I love yous and hearts and him telling her how much he appreciates and thinking about each other and making each other smile and how much they love spending time together from the moment they wake till bed time and he's never gonna not talk to her because she means so much to him. And I asked him if he has told her I am not ok with it all and he didn't respond. So I sent her a message as I felt like he was telling her it was fine and telling me he wouldnt do it constantly we have 2 kids so he's not spending time with them either as his phone was constantly in his had and he was in voice calls with her while I'm at.work and then kids are awake. I just felt like 2 weeks of talking was going no where and I wanted to explaine to her been in American college ( where both in our 30s) that he has 2 kids and he can't talk to her 24/7 and that I'm not ok with the amount they talk.
I never once said they couldn't talk just that there is a time and a place and the amount is way too much. Like I'm worried he's gonna her fired as he's still constantly messaging her at work too.
And everytime we talk I feel like we have moved forward I asked him if they could cool off voice chatting and cut down on the talking while I process my feelings as I do trust him and he has explained some things to me as a lot of his comments made it seem worse then it was his words. And I want to I said I just need sometime as I can't just switch off my feelings and we had 2 days where I think they didn't talk as much and everything seemed really good we connected we talked we snuggles and watched t.c ectect. And then the next day he was back to the same thing. Then asked me if he could watch a movie with her. And I explained as I had 2 days before to give me some more time so I can process everything that's happening. And I was a little annoyed that he would ask when it was 24 hours since our last conversation about this. He seemed.to agree and didn't know why he asked and then where to last night I went to bed and when I came down they where in a voice chat and I flipped out and walke doit of the house in the middle of the night and he didn't really seem to care how much this upsets. There is a lot more info but I think I have typed enough am I just been crazy because he thinks I am. As I don't want to stop him having a friend he gets alone with but I also still want to have my husband actually want to spend time with me as we did all the things he now does with her. But I really think he doesn't care if I leave as long as he has her to talk to. As he told me last night he doesn't understand why I'm upset even after all the convos explaing why and I'm been rediculace because he has a friend and he isn't giving up her friendship for anyone. Any advice from a outside prospective kind regards

I wonder what her boyfriend thinks of all this, might be worth a message to him also!

How much of this shit are you willing to take? He's done it before and surprise, surprise, he's doing it again. He's cheating and you're being a doormat. Get rid of this manipulative prick.

@CandidClarisse

I wonder what her boyfriend thinks of all this, might be worth a message to him also!

Terrible idea. Such drama.

The issue here is in your relationship with yourself, OP. You feel things, but you doubt the OKness of those feelings. All the problems come from there. You need to grasp that your feelings are allowed; they are, in fact, who you are. What you feel is the definition of you; everybody has different boundaries (ie what you feel is OK is not the same as what someone else feels is OK), so the key is: Your feelings make the rules for your relationships.

All we ever want is feelings. Whatever we do, we're doing it because we want to feel good. You have posted here in an effort to find a way to feel better. So, if you are minimising and invalidating what's going on in your own emotional landscape, you will never reach feelings of peace, contentedness, happiness, joy, fulfillment, etc.

Put yourself in places and with people who make you feel those things, and avoid people who make you feel like questioning your own feelings and actions. That's it; the road to happiness, in a sentence. Get away from him. You don't need to be talking to his friend's partner. Or to his friend. Or even to him. The fact that his actions make you want to have those conversations is a 'this isn't good for me' signpost with an arrow on it, pointing 'away'.

When you messaged this woman, what did she reply? What was her take?
Also which country is she and your husband in?

But I'm in agreement with others, he's putting her before his family

If you guys need space to work out what's going on between you two, I can give you both that space.

Well she’s sort of right. She doesn’t owe you anything, he does, and if he didn’t want to talk, he wouldn’t reply. It’s not really very nice, but it’s true.

But the above is an interesting take from her. What does she think you are “working out”?

You’ve made this a fight for your man. It’s not; you’ll never win by hoping that women will take your side and block him. You need to trust and believe that he wants to be with you, that he’d choose what you have over other people; or you’re just waiting for him to leave.

He’s shown you that you don’t come first here. Unfortunately, I don’t think you have any options other than leaving or living with this… but the second isn’t much of an option.

@GoodnightGrandma

Don’t let him use the old ‘suicidal thoughts’ thing, he’s saying that because you are trying to stop him having his addiction - the woman. So, he’s done this before and he’s doing it again. You’ve stayed with him so you’re allowing it to happen. You need to decide what you want for you and your children, is this what you want ?

Just wondering why it’s ok fir MN’s to not believe his suicidal thoughts and putting it down to manipulation and yet if we put Meghan marked name instead of this man MN’s go apeshit. Maybe he’s had suicidal thoughts? Maybe she had too? Or hadn’t?

@Toomuchtrouble4me

If he has suicidal thoughts, he needs to speak to his doctor or the emergency services, or ask OP for help in getting some support.

It's the fact that he's using the idea of suicidal thoughts to manipulate OP's behaviour that's a problem.

It's a bit like how it's fine to own a knife, but not if you're going to try to control other people's actions by using it to intimidate people.

@Figgyzig

At the moment I have no where else to live I have no other family so I'm kinda stuck here for a bit this is why the post as I don't want to make a rash disision that might make me homeless if I'm just been stupid you know?

Is it his house.

Tell him to break contact with her or move out.

Spell it out, he can't have you both

"Gently, but:

there all full of and he said it's all in a friend way I love yous and hearts and him telling her how much he appreciates and thinking about each other and making each other smile and how much they love spending time together from the moment they wake till bed time and he's never gonna not talk to her because she means so much to him.

This is how he's meant to feel about you.

You have two kids. You're meant to be his partner. What he's doing is outrageous, disrespectful, and childish.

How would he react if you were doing this with another man?"

@Figgyzig - agree with PP - his behaviour is unbelievable. He's abandoned you and the children so he can spend time in her world - he's living in a different time zone to you all. It's intolerable behaviour. The very fact that he knows he's having conversations that you wouldn't want to see shows he knows he's behaving in a way which is unacceptable. But he doesn't care because he's much more interested in the thrill he gets from spending his emotional energy on his relationship with this woman. As PP have said - he is having an affair and he's doing it in plain sight. It just hasn't had the chance to be physical so perhaps he thinks that's not what he's doing.

He has form for this also so you know this is just him; he feels no loyalty to you and he can't be trusted.

He should be the one to leave the home, not you, but either way, your choices seem to be - stay in a relationship with a man who doesn't give a flying shit about you or your children (because a caring father doesn't behave the way he's behaving) or leave that relationship.

Practicalities like who lives where are important but they can be sorted down the line.

And you're response is entirely reasonable. He is massively out of order.
He is playing mind games with you in suggesting otherwise. He wouldn't tolerate you carrying on this way with a bloke - in fact, if he did, it would be because he doesn't care about you.

Your so-called bd is saying things to another woman that he should only be saying to you.

It's OK to have friends of the opposite sex, of course it is. But that's not what this is. This is your bf changing his sleeping habits (and reducing the time he has with you) to be with another woman. He is saying loving things, complementing her. He's addicted to her. Obsessed. She is more important to him than you (he said he won't give her up for anything - that means she is more important to him than anythng / anyone).

He has tried maniuplating you to stay and put up with it (threatening suicide!) as he's quite like you to stay around as you're the handy local gf - sex when he wants it, someone to look after him and presumably cook and clean - while he talks sweet nothings with his other woman.

Because that's what this is - he is having an emptional affair right in front of you. He's fallen for another woman and is making no secret of it. He is showing a shocking lack of respect for you. A lack of concern for your feelings. He thinks you'll just hang around in the background looking after him, while he flirts with the love of his life online.

You deserve so much better. Don't let him make a mug of you. Leave him to it. He may miss you once you've gone, but that's his problem.

Sorry I meant bf not bd.

Emotional affair.

Both their reactions when challenged are pathetic and highly manipulative a d self absorbed- suicidal thoughts from him.and panic attacks so bad she has tk gecafnitter to hospital. Drama queens, both of them - selfish, self-absorbed, low integrity, acting very poorly towards their partner's.
The onevthjng is say in her defence is that she's very young. Also she's not married or even cohabiting yet and presumably has no kids. So he's much worse.

You've said he's done this beside - with a colleague/former colleague. It's clearly his MO, he clearly feels compelled to.do it. He can either admit he has issues that cause him to behave like this, have counselling, and stop these emotional affairs .... or he can admit he's not settled with/ committed you , and end the relationship.

I think he'll do neither though... he's too cowardly and selfish and immature. You shouldn't have to tolerate this, it is simply not fair, decent or appropriate behaviour in a relationship. It wouldn't be even in a casual relationship let alone a cohabiting indeed with children.

Im really sorry but he either needs to change (seems unlikely) or you need tk make plans to separate from him, the best way possible for you and your kids.

*has to be admitted to hospital

It's not way to live, to be repeatedly having to challenge him aboit emotional affairs, while he lies and minimises and gas lights and manipulates and hides etc. And discusses your relationship (in apparently less than positive terms) with his latest emotional affair partner.

To be repeatedly trying to get someone to admit their behaviour is wrong & inappropriate while they won't and use all the manipulations and excuses you've mentioned. Who wants to be checking up.on someone, who wants to be trying to police their behaviour, who wants the stress of arguing about his emotional affairs and being treated like this; it sounds like you have kids, an a job; that's enough on your plate.

I have no doubt he'll beg if and when he truly thinks you might leave him (or get him to leave) but he'll probably be back to same behaviour again sooner or later.

Btw Little Miss America just likes the attention and validation; if ot wasn't her, it would be somebody else.

And gaming and socialising through gaming is a pretty immature and Inappropriate thing for a mature man with a family, esp.when the socialising socialising is with significantly younger, at a different stage of life, women.

Who's doing the work with the kids while he's absorbed in gaming and his emotional affair?

How is his performance at work not affected by him keeping American time?

This isn't right on a number of fronts, aside from the infidelity angle.

Agree with itsallgoingpearshaped

"Get legal advice and see what you'll be entitled to when you dump him"

It’s not acceptable and he’s addicted. Bin him off. It will hurt for a bit but this time next year you could be in a relationship with a grown up who puts you first. He’s putting another woman first. Time to end this. He does not care about you or your feelings. He’s going to end up very lonely. Not your problem. You don’t have to find somewhere else to live. Make him move out. Get on with your life

I would try and store as much evidence as possible, keep conversations about her and your husband over text or e mail, because in a divorce he can plead ignorance if this is your citation for divorcing him.

You say he has done this before and as other PP’s have said he is extremely emotionally manipulative. He is gaslighting you every time you discuss her. He is having an emotional affair. As you love him dearly it is the hardest thing to let go, but you must, as others have rightly said, you deserve SO much better.
I’m not saying he’s a bully but bullies only respond to strength, he will carry on doing what he is doing while you let him, if you come at this from a much stronger position then he may well give up this girl.

Going back to the subject of divorce, speak to citizens advice, however from studying law for 8 years I can tell you now. A judge will 90% of the time (if not more) will make sure the children stay with the mum, there has to be a lot of social services involvement to make this go the other way.
The parent who holds the responsibility of primary care for the children is almost always allocated the house in a divorce. Commonly it will be stipulated that the house will be in the wife’s name (in this case) until the children are out of full time education. Once that time comes around, in some divorces, the house is then put on the market and the proceeds split 50/50.
I’m not sure how old your children are, but I hope that puts your mind at ease from that aspect.
I don’t know what the situation would need to be regarding living situation while the divorce is going through, but you stand your ground. He needs to move, not you.

@Figgyzig

At the moment I have no where else to live I have no other family so I'm kinda stuck here for a bit this is why the post as I don't want to make a rash disision that might make me homeless if I'm just been stupid you know?

Take your time.

You are not stupid. You should be his top priority woman in his life, not someone he thinks he knows over the internet. How utterly predictable that he happens to be 'friends' with a woman who is much younger than him. We've never heard that before

But he also told me he had never met anyone like her before that he had connected with they have so much in common and he can talk to her about anything

No wonder you felt bad after that comment. Never met anyone like her before?? What he wanted to say was 'never met any woman like her before' and I bet he's absolutely smitten.

He's sneaking around the place like a love-struck teenager to spare every second he has to talk to her.

how much he appreciates and thinking about each other and making each other smile and how much they love spending time together from the moment they wake till bed time

I wrote the above comment before I even got to this bit about messaging each other, gushing compliments.

I'm sorry OP. Your marriage is done for. He's really romantically invested in another woman and will continue to deny things until he finally catches a flight out to see her or until you start seeing nude photographs or sexual messages.

@Figgyzig

She said.

Sorry, I've been looking this over and just had a severe panic attack and had to call my boyfriend so he could make sure I was ok cause I'm alone. Last time this happened to me I had to go to the hospital so I got really afraid. I'm not entirely sure how to respond to this as I'm still trying to calm down right now. I wanted to say that I never meant to have an impact on your relationship with Stu, he's just been a really good and reliable friend recently for me. I'll say more but again, trying to calm down. I hope you're doing ok as well, I never meant to hurt you or make you worry.

She sent this to me and to him
If you guys need space to work out what's going on between you two, I can give you both that space. I feel like I am not directly responsible for what's been going on between you two because when Stu and I talk or hang out it's not because I'm asking him to, it's me assuming that he has time. I'm not trying to get in-between you two or "steal" Stu. I don't have many friends I can sit down and talk to about things. He's been there for me a lot, someone I can talk with, and someone I can rely on to talk to when I'm not feeling ok, or just someone to hang out with when I just wanna chill with someone. I will respect your space and let you guys figure things out..
And they didn't speak for about 12 hours then started talking in forums not private messages and and now it's been a out 5 days and it's back to as it was before 24/7 even while he's at work as I can see when there both online though his discord server and I know there talking to each other as it says there both online on mobile

Sorry, I've been looking this over and just had a severe panic attack and had to call my boyfriend so he could make sure I was ok cause I'm alone. Last time this happened to me I had to go to the hospital so I got really afraid. I'm not entirely sure how to respond to this as I'm still trying to calm down right now. I wanted to say that I never meant to have an impact on your relationship with Stu, he's just been a really good and reliable friend recently for me. I'll say more but again, trying to calm down. I hope you're doing ok as well, I never meant to hurt you or make you worry

This is BULLSHIT OP, and really disgusting, manipulative behaviour on her part. She is trying to present herself as a victim that is being unfairly confronted for innocent behaviour, trying to make you out as the cause of this apparent panic attack. Classic 'I'm a just little bird with an injured wing, and why are you being a big bad meanie to me?' move. She will likely have tried this tactic on many people before in order to get the to back down and end up apologising to her. What a piece of work.

And he's even brought up having suicidal thoughts yesterday because of him hurting me but I think he's trying to get me to just say fine it's ok do what you want because he seemed fine after spending all night talking to her again, I'm a bit at a loss as I love him and I've said this but I feel like as I've said to him he is addicted to talking to her

Call the GP and make an appointment for him. If he's going to play that card, let him know that you take talk of suicide extremely seriously.

After reading more of your responses, it time to seek out legal advice.

As I mentioned before, my ex H did this exact same thing to me twice.

He said the exact same manipulative gaslighting things he's said to you. About not letting him have any friends, etc.

Even said he was suicidal after I finally blew up and shouted at him.

Yeah, poor petal suicidal from being told off one time, but fuck all his emotional abuse towards me for months he was conducting the online affair.

She finally stopped talking to him after she got a new boyfriend.

I really should have divorced him then.

Then 2 years later, I caught him again.
Another online affair with someone in SEA.
That was it. I kicked him out, filed for divorce and never looked back.
Oh and he never did end up meeting her. He lives in a bedsit somewhere probably still living an online life.

He's disrespecting you and basically laughing in your face with his affair.

Please seek legal advice to see what your rights are.

Crikey this all sounds horendous behaviour form your DH OP im so sorry, i would definitely be asking him to leave.