Verging on having a breakdown due to my relationship

[littleruby]

I really need some help as I'm massively struggling with my husband. I don't want to break up but I just can't cope any more and I'm getting to the point where I just don't want to get up in the morning as I can't face each day now.

I've been married for 5 years and we have two children age 5 and 8 who are lovely. I work as a nurse four days a week, two of which are half days. My husband runs his own business. His work is such that he is sometimes away on business around the country so I have had to engineer my hours and childcare so I can essentially single handedly sort the children. They go to a childminder one day a week, he gets them one day and I sort the rest. I do everything else for them. I get up at 7am to get ready for work and sort the children for school. My husband lies in bed whilst I am doing this and usually as I am about to leave with the kids, he gets up and starts his work. When I am doing a long day at work and collect the children from the childminder afterwards and get home, I then sort the children for the evening and get them to bed whilst my husband usually sits on his computer 'working'. He doesn't play any role in the the morning or bedtime routine. He'll occasionally sort meals for us. He doesn't really do any housework or cleaning and we don't have a cleaner. He doesn't help the children with any of their school work but does occasionally take them to their after school clubs. (so essentially acts as a bit of a taxi service and that's probably about all!)

I think I've just coped with this for years now. From time to time I get really upset about it, particularly in the morning when I'm tired, the children are moaning about school and he's just lying in bed. Then I'll make a comment and he'll accuse me of nagging. I've told him he's more like a grandparent to the children and not a father but again I just get accused of being mean and going on at him and I'll be the one that comes out being made to feel like the nagging wife. .. Things will change for about a week after these discussions and then they will just go back to how they are now.
He earns a lot more than me but I have a lot more job security and we have been reliant on my income in previous difficult times. I realise that he needs extra time in the evenings looking for work etc but often in the mornings he is just lying in bed reading the news and looking on facebook. I just don't understand how he can lie there doing this whilst watching me struggling trying to get the kids ready in the morning, it's really hard.

I think what has brought things to a head in the last week is that I have been ill. Since we have been married I don't think I've been ill once. One morning this week I was trying to redial the doctors 100 times whilst get the kids breakfast ready whilst my husband was in bed. And then this morning just when I need a lie in after working all week , the children came in at 7:15 and rather than get up with them and let me have a rest he screamed at them that it wasn't the morning and they should have some respect and go back to bed (this is their normal waking time) As such I am downstairs with them whilst he's asleep.

Obviously this doesn't paint a great picture and there are good times! We do lots as a family together and he is great fun and the children love him. I just feel I'm starting to become very emotionally detached now due to the lack of support from him. I have suggested counselling previously but he says he would never do this and that if I am unhappy in the relationship I should just move out and that he will never change. I honestly feel like I'm drowning. There's so much to do here, the house is a state, the children need looking after, I feel ill and my husband is in bed. God I sound completely pathetic. Thank you for listening and I'm very grateful for your advice as to whether I can actually help my husband change his behaviour xx

No you can’t make him change. He is who he is. Either you keep putting up with it or split and split child care custody.

He may change if you follow through with you threat and start a divorce or move out.

But is this enough?

He won't change to help you, he won't change out of love, he won't change when asked. He even tells you: I won't change.

In a few years when the kids are older it will be easier.

But you must have lost respect for him? You must have lost a sense that he cares for you?

What are your options to live apart from him, at least for a while?

Why do you not want to break up? How can you be with someone who respects you so little and couldn't give a single fuck? Your kids will learn to be treated/treat others this way.

I am so sad to hear this
He doesn't want to change. But I don't know what fo advise you.

he says he would never do this and that if I am unhappy in the relationship I should just move out and that he will never change

When someone tells you who they are, you should believe them.

I think you should ask yourself, if I lived alone with the children and had to do everything anyway, would I feel more or less resentful and upset than I do now?

he is great fun and the children love him
He’ll still be their father, and so it’s good they love him and he’s fun. He’s a horrible husband to you, though.

He's told you he's never going to change.
It is easier to parent alone with no help than with a useless man who won't do anything. Trust me, I know.

Why are you staying? I think that's a better starting point. He's said he's happy for you to leave if you're unhappy which suggests the lives gone his side too.

Love not live

He doesn't love you enough to share the load with you. Does a loving husband let his wife do all the work and then tell her she's a nag when she tries to say how unhappy she is? Does someone who wants to stay married not sit up and take notice when his wife says she thinks the marriage needs counselling?

I can understand you don't want to go through the upheaval of breaking up and would much rather be married to DH but have him act like a loving husband and father. Unfortunately that's not going to happen with him.

As pp said above, you have a husband problem and he's not going to change.

Sorry.

PS if you do initiate a break up please remember it is HIM who has broken your marriage, not you.

"We do lots as a family together and he is great fun and the children love him".

There's no mention at all about him being a great husband with you loving him. There are good reasons for those omissions...

From what you write in your initial post there is really no evidence of any of the above. He has his life with you the way he wants it; he really does see the kids and house as your job and yours alone. His business is he being away a lot and when he is at home he is not bothered, he is in bed or on his phone/FB whilst you're running about like a blue housefly and he takes them to their after school clubs (dad's taxi). He accuses you of nagging him and or being mean when you righly tell him how things are.

Children are programmed to love their parents anyway and he will indeed still be their dad if you and he part ways; an action I would indeed suggest. Why do you not want to break up with him; is it because of the children?. That's usually one of many reasons why some women choose to stay in such poor relationships.

Do not stay with him for the sake of the kids; its a bad decision and one that will weigh heavily on them too; the fact that you stayed because of them. Your children are not going to say, "thanks mum" to you for being with him and will further learn from you both that women can be treated as the skivvy with no say in the relationship. From their standpoint, this treatment of you by their father is acceptable to you. This is NO relationship model to be showing them.

Oh hunny you must be feeling like crap after all this .
He won't change at all I've been there and kept trying to make it work for absolutely years.
You are essentially a single mum anyway he does nothing so just make the break and tell him to leave. At least then he will have to step up for the children with a contact arrangement and you can get a much need break and he can finally somewhat parent his children.

he says he would never do this and that if I am unhappy in the relationship I should just move out and that he will never change

There's your answer, I'm sorry. He won't change. He doesn't want to.

He enjoys having a public image of a family man, but doesn't want to do any of the work involved in that. He sees you as a domestic appliance named WIFE: Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc.

You'd be so much better off on your own. 💐

You have very accurately described the situation on your title for the thread, your relationship is bringing to breakdown point. The thing that needs to change is that. You cannot change another person, clearly you are at a point where you see through his bullshit behaviour and realise just what a shit he is being so the only thing left to change is the relationship situation. I would make sure he gets midweek time with the kids in the split if you do separate.

Yes I think this is a classic example of 'children are women's work' and he will never get more involved.

I think splitting up is the next stage. So sad. But fuck him. Lying in bed while you struggle. He genuinely sees it as all your responsibility. He's one of the old school. Except only around the work you do. He is not old school paying for absolutely everything while you stay at home. He's old school but you must bring in money too yet he doesn't help with kids.

Buh bye.

I have another perspective. He doesn’t help you, but if you split with him and are the resident parent you will still end up doing the lions share of everything as a single parent. You have to decide if that’s worth it. I did split with my child’s father. He was a lazy sexist moron and yes I’m better off without him. But I still have to do all the tasks nearly all of the time.

I got pussed off when I got to the point in your OP where he said his works takes him off around the uk in the week.

Only because you take care of things at home! Your job has to be around the home area right?

Another example of male hypocrisy.

I’m sorry OP. I was reading your post thinking “this is all solvable” until you said you asked him to go to counselling and he’d refused and said he would never change. NO. Just No! Relationships are about communication and compromise and if one party is unhappy, the other has, at least, a moral obligation to address it. By saying he will never change, he is in effect saying he DOES NOT CARE if you are unhappy, because it works for him. My only advice would be to see a solicitor, commence divorce proceedings, then very calmly tell him. You might find that this gives him the kick up the arse that he so badly needs or you might not (and I would be very wary of the longevity of any positive change in behaviour that came from that!) Either way, you absolutely deserve to be happy and if he won’t stop doing things that directly make you unhappy, it’s time to go. Xx

So sorry OP. You deserve so much better. He's not going to change. Him screaming at the kids is unacceptable too, especially if he shows no remorse afterwards. Wish I'd realised that years ago.

"Thank you for listening and I'm very grateful for your advice as to whether I can actually help my husband change his behaviour"

Short answer is no you cannot.

Its hard enough to even change one aspect of your own behaviour; trying to change someone's else's is impossible. Your H's attitudes are deeply ingrained and he has his life with you the way he has wanted it to be. Cushy for him; hard work for you. He seeing you struggle tells me he has no respect for you and in turn his children because if he did he would not treat you as their mother like this.

Not at all surprised he won't go to counselling; these types never do because he is that bloody selfish and entitled. Why would he want to change anyway; he's already told you he is not going to change. His father likely behaved similarly to his wife and your H is merely replicating that dynamic if so.

A husband who loves his wife would never leave her to struggle, or call her a nag when she asks for help.

He doesnt love you.

Sorry OP, but your post makes this obvious

I could have written this basically you've married a man who wants a 1950's house wife where everything is up to the wife, that's great until you have to work aswell then it becomes impossible to carry this by yourself. He sees this as wife work, nagging is a term abusive men use to shut you down. Knows what he should be doing he just can't be arsed. He manipulated the children when they came into the bedroom know full well that you would get up because he had screamed at them. How often is the house dominated by his moods. This is not a good way to live for either you or the children. The fact that you're asking the questions tells you that you're ready. It's time to choose him or your mental health and of course your children who have to live like this. I can't promise you that it'll be easy but it's a damn site easier without carrying dominating dead weight.

Could you start eight a couple of small things that you need from him to help share the load and take the strain off you? Just a couple of jobs that he can commit to, carry out without you having to 'nag' him and build from there?

@Babymamamama

I have another perspective. He doesn’t help you, but if you split with him and are the resident parent you will still end up doing the lions share of everything as a single parent. You have to decide if that’s worth it. I did split with my child’s father. He was a lazy sexist moron and yes I’m better off without him. But I still have to do all the tasks nearly all of the time.

This is true but at least the resentment stops which is the thing that eats away at you. My ex was a lazy shit too and left everything to me. Although I do everything alone now I don't feel resentful about it as I can't see him lying in bed while I sort DD. I also don't have to pick up after him, so have one less child to deal with!!

He won’t change, but you’re not willing to make change either (he’s lazy and disinterested in family life, you seem to be unable to accept that is what you’re stuck with unless you change and leave). Do you want your kids to learn this is what happens in relationships, dad does fuck all and Mum is a dormat and does everything? Because that’s what you are teaching them. There’s a better life for you and your kids than what is your current home environment.