Verging on having a breakdown due to my relationship

[littleruby]

I really need some help as I'm massively struggling with my husband. I don't want to break up but I just can't cope any more and I'm getting to the point where I just don't want to get up in the morning as I can't face each day now.

I've been married for 5 years and we have two children age 5 and 8 who are lovely. I work as a nurse four days a week, two of which are half days. My husband runs his own business. His work is such that he is sometimes away on business around the country so I have had to engineer my hours and childcare so I can essentially single handedly sort the children. They go to a childminder one day a week, he gets them one day and I sort the rest. I do everything else for them. I get up at 7am to get ready for work and sort the children for school. My husband lies in bed whilst I am doing this and usually as I am about to leave with the kids, he gets up and starts his work. When I am doing a long day at work and collect the children from the childminder afterwards and get home, I then sort the children for the evening and get them to bed whilst my husband usually sits on his computer 'working'. He doesn't play any role in the the morning or bedtime routine. He'll occasionally sort meals for us. He doesn't really do any housework or cleaning and we don't have a cleaner. He doesn't help the children with any of their school work but does occasionally take them to their after school clubs. (so essentially acts as a bit of a taxi service and that's probably about all!)

I think I've just coped with this for years now. From time to time I get really upset about it, particularly in the morning when I'm tired, the children are moaning about school and he's just lying in bed. Then I'll make a comment and he'll accuse me of nagging. I've told him he's more like a grandparent to the children and not a father but again I just get accused of being mean and going on at him and I'll be the one that comes out being made to feel like the nagging wife. .. Things will change for about a week after these discussions and then they will just go back to how they are now.
He earns a lot more than me but I have a lot more job security and we have been reliant on my income in previous difficult times. I realise that he needs extra time in the evenings looking for work etc but often in the mornings he is just lying in bed reading the news and looking on facebook. I just don't understand how he can lie there doing this whilst watching me struggling trying to get the kids ready in the morning, it's really hard.

I think what has brought things to a head in the last week is that I have been ill. Since we have been married I don't think I've been ill once. One morning this week I was trying to redial the doctors 100 times whilst get the kids breakfast ready whilst my husband was in bed. And then this morning just when I need a lie in after working all week , the children came in at 7:15 and rather than get up with them and let me have a rest he screamed at them that it wasn't the morning and they should have some respect and go back to bed (this is their normal waking time) As such I am downstairs with them whilst he's asleep.

Obviously this doesn't paint a great picture and there are good times! We do lots as a family together and he is great fun and the children love him. I just feel I'm starting to become very emotionally detached now due to the lack of support from him. I have suggested counselling previously but he says he would never do this and that if I am unhappy in the relationship I should just move out and that he will never change. I honestly feel like I'm drowning. There's so much to do here, the house is a state, the children need looking after, I feel ill and my husband is in bed. God I sound completely pathetic. Thank you for listening and I'm very grateful for your advice as to whether I can actually help my husband change his behaviour xx

Op, I imagine the last 18months nursing must have been incredibly tough. Has he ever stepped up with parenting?

One point, is tk prioritise rest if you are unwell. Don't be a martyr. Can your children be put infront of the TV whilst you rest? The 8 year old is at an age where they can be left to own devices.

Where do you believe his "values' come from, did he grow up in a male dominated culture?

I am in a similar position. The arguments we have had over DH 'not being able to get up' on a morning, well I've lost count. And similarly when I've had the odd sick day instead of taking over with the children he will shout at them its not time to get up completely overlooking the fact that we have had a happy morning routine whilst he's been snoozing away for years. So I end up getting up with them anyway because of Mum guilt. I actually said to him the other day that I'm not going to sugar-coat it for him anymore and I'm just not feeling it anymore. We got together young and I just assumed his motivation and routine would grow with him as a person but he still wastes the day like he did in his early twenties. He doesn't wanna split but we are nearing the end I can feel it. Also, FYI we have been married 10 years and I have tried every trick in the book OP...sunlight alarm clocks, initiating intimacy on a morning, encouraging him to have earlier nights even making him breakfast just for him to leave it cold or come and eat it then go back to bed. Your DH will not change and things will turn nastier the longer you leave it. I can sympathise completely.

I would stop doing anything for him, no laundry, no meals, treat him as if he’s not there. Because you have enough to cope with and he’s not helping.
I would also hire a cleaner and join a club of some sort, so when he is home, you go out and do your own thing.
I’m ill too. DP finished a 14h shift, got home, cooked us some dinner, then went to Sainsbury’s at nearly 10pm to get me some lemsip and some lemons and honey. I didn’t ask him to, he just did it. Because he’s a grown up.
You deserve better.

Hi OP. I was you years ago. Left to do everything, run ragged while he did his job (not high paying) and slept. The anger and resentment in me grew and grew. I was exhausted and a shell of my former self. He would repeatedly tell me we were in “survival mode” when I would beg for help and attention and love. I asked him to go to counselling with me and he told me there was nothing wrong with him and it was me with the problem.

So 3.5 years ago I couldn’t do it anymore and told him our marriage was over. He actually thought I was having “a moment.” It’s been one long ass moment alright!

It has taken me those 3.5 years to get myself back on my feet. My self esteem was non existent, he bled me dry and I let him. Never again,

I wish you well OP but this is no life for you. I’ll bet deep down the love you had for him is well gone and it’s time to see him for what he really is. It’s tough to admit you married the wrong person and that it’s not working but I know if I’d stayed I would have eventually developed some serious mental illness. I had no choice but to get out and save my sanity for myself and my children.

He is not kind to you.
That is enough.

OP, listen to Attila and the other PPs. This man obviously doesn’t love you, respect you or even like you, if he’s happy to watch you struggle with all this while ill. He is showing complete contempt.
Stop pandering to him. Stop doing his washing and ironing. Stop cooking his meals. If he thinks it’s so easy, leave him to do it himself.
Then gather all your financial details together, including his earnings, savings, bank statements, etc and see a solicitor to discuss divorce.
You will be no worse off as a single parent in terms of help in the home - he does nothing anyway. But your kids will free of his shouting, and you will be able to rebuild your self esteem and later look for a decent partner who will love you, share the load, and be everything your current piece of shit is not.

It’s ultimatum time. You might as well be single and have the chance of meeting someone who loves you and is kind

You don't sound pathetic littleruby, far from it, in fact that's the problem. You are in one of the most unfair situations life occasionally throws at the underrated, talented, courageous, loving, adaptable, resilient, intelligent, understanding and exceptional people out there. You are way beyond this average deck head prat you're with when it comes to dealing with life. He'd be absolutely useless without you and he probably hates knowing that. Stop relying on his opinion of you to make you feel worthwhile; it's like asking a squashed banana to make you feel like Beyoncé. Instead, my advice is to focus on what future you would like independently of your husband. You may not want to leave him but if the thought of it makes you feel lighter he will notice. You don't have to say anything but keep working on a new life, be subtle, and watch him gradually getting nervous. No nagging necessary, because you 'know' something he doesn't, and it involves Freedom.

I have another perspective. He doesn’t help you, but if you split with him and are the resident parent you will still end up doing the lions share of everything as a single parent. You have to decide if that’s worth it. I did split with my child’s father. He was a lazy sexist moron and yes I’m better off without him. But I still have to do all the tasks nearly all of the time.

There is definitely something in this humans form tribes to spread the load and we have interdependences.

However as things stand the OP is having to participate in her own abuse by her DH, that builds resentments and eats away at your self esteem. It is low level abuse by the way in case you don’t realise - certainly control, dominance (getting his own needs met while he ignores yours). He is not a good ‘un and your daughters are being told every day what they should expect from men based on his behaviour.

Yes it's the resentment that I am struggling with the most. I just don't understand how someone can lie in bed so engrossed in their own world whilst their other half is really struggling with not only the children but also unwell. I just can't get my head around how you can treat someone like that. I've worked so hard to look after the children and keep everyone happy , I think it's now that I've become ill that I realise I can't keep on like this and I realise how selfish he is. And I only have hopefully a temporary illness. If I was seriously unwell I honestly think he'd just be angry that there was no one to get up in the morning with the kids! Or now they're at an age he'd most likely just tell them to sort themselves out I suspect...
Yes I agree I don't like the sort of image this projects to the children either. I think they should see parents supporting each other, not a mother run ragged and a father then shouting at her when she asks him to help

Don’t expect him to start being an actual parent if you leave him. Which you should

He doesn’t care about you or them
Your life would be a lot happier and no more work on your own. He’s a deadweight lazy arse running you ragged.

I don’t see how you can describe him as a great husband and gather he reads anything but this.

And father

The resentment will eat you alive OP. I turned into someone I never wanted to be. My children saw a man who couldn’t give a shit that his wife was on her hands and knees and I was not going to let my children think this was the norm. Basically my ex had no respect, empathy, kindness or love for me. It was that simple but for years I refused to see what was right in front of me. He was showing me all the time but I was in cloud cuckoo land somewhere. You deserve so much better.

My marriage ended for very similar reasons. He just didn't get it that doing the dishes now and again and the odd bedtime wasn't enough. I too got accused of nagging. I had several burnouts over the years and then a huge one I had to seek mental health support for. I was running on empty.

Being a single parent, i still do all the life admin for the kids, however he takes them for contact now and I actually get a break. I don't have a man child to think for on top of my actual children. The stress this has lifted from my life is unreal. The short term hassle of living situations changing has been worth it for the long term peace.

Like pp, i felt disrespected that he wouldn't help me when I was struggling. It never changed and it never would have.

Splitting up is always difficult,and as above poster points out you would have all the load then anyway.However you will become more and more resentful over time.You are unwell and he wont have DC? How would you feel if a friend of yours didnt want to know if you were ill or struggling.Pretty fed up , I should think! Thing is marriage /DC are 2 peoples whole work .You say he is fun and DC love him ,while this is good in one way .He is being the fun parent ,and enjoying himself ,you have the hard work of being a parent while hes off scot free.Do you want to live like this forever? Do you want to have sex with someone who treats you this way.Over time this will diminish if it hasnt already .

@littleruby I just don't understand how he can lie there doing this whilst watching me struggling trying to get the kids ready in the morning
How can he? Because:

• He's selfish
• There are no negative consequences for his behaviour
• He doesn't truly respect (or love you, because real love requires respect and kindness)
• he doesn't want to do the hard bit of parenting only the 'fun Dad' stuff
• there is no reason to change

Basically he does it because he CHOOSES to.

So it's up to you if you choose to accept all that. He's told you and shown you who he is, and that he won't change. The ball is in your court now.

Yes, if you split up you will still end up "doing it all'; single parenting is hard. But you will (probably) have every other weekend as time out, (he'll have to step up if he wants to see the kids), no more seething anger as he sleeps whilst you slog or the pain & hurt as he ignores you struggling when you are sick. And children who no longer see their mother being treated like an unpaid housekeeper.

Read some threads of women who found life after leaving their lazy, selfish husband was so, so much better. It will give you hope.

I'm in the same position @littleruby and have pretty much felt like a single mum for years. Years. Sometimes you just don't notice when it's low level abuse, but that's what it is. Reading your posts, and others here, it's kind of shocking that a husband can behave like that and completely miss what his wife is doing. But that's exactly what mine does too!!! It takes others experiences to reveal the seriousness of your own. I've always got the kids up and ready for school, done every school run fitting work around it, all the admin that goes with kids, bed timed, as well as all house stuff. As someone further up said, washing the dishes every so often does not make up for the lack of effort 90% of the time. I could be here all day describing how things are in my house, but you all know it. I feel so uncomfortable in my own house, and so much better when he's not here. My ideal scenario is for him to leave, let us get on with things here, and build a better relationship with the kids when he has them. I just can't see how to make it a reality as I am so reluctant to rock the boat. The answer is so clear, it's just doing it. You know that too OP X

"My ideal scenario is for him to leave, let us get on with things here, and build a better relationship with the kids when he has them. I just can't see how to make it a reality as I am so reluctant to rock the boat".

He won't leave though because he has a nice cushy existence with you as his personal worker slave and house elf. Being lazy as well, he won't also want to put the hard work in to find another sap of a woman to take him on (these types of men really do hate women and all of them; they really do think that little of them).

Feel the fear here and do it anyway. You only need to give your own self permission to leave.

You're going to have to be the one to rock the boat here and carve out a new life for yourself and your kids without him in it day to day. Let him go around whingeing ,"oh she left me". You know the truth here and no-one will listen to him after the proverbial 5 minutes. Chances are you and your children would be a lot happier too going forward without his malign presence bringing you all down with him.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them as adults to be in a similar relationship; no you would not. But currently at least, you are showing them that this treatment of you by their dad is still acceptable on some level.

So your reliable salary, from outside the home, has kept your household afloat when necessary; but you still have to everything in the home ss well?

How very convenient (for him).

Im not saying I don't think.women should work (i believe the opposite) but this hs an example of how women working outside the home in a partnership where no concession is made to it; actually burdens the woman more than just being fulltime sahm.

(Of course even sahms have/had support from decent partners to some extent).

Men who.do.this are taking the fkg piss.

He's lazy, incredibly selfish, and chauvinist. Or maybe hes not even chauvinist; just extremely entitled, and selfish. He wants an appliance, a near slave; not an equa partnwr in any way.

If you divorce him and.imagine he'll take the kids minimally, and try to find a new woman to take over hours work, cooking, and looking after abd organising his kids when they visit; seen it a dozen times on here. They don't change.

*housework

They dkmt think they should have to do any of that shit; that's what women are for.

If you divorce him, get a forensic account, since he had his own business.

I think because you have been doing it all for so long that it’s become his “normal”.

Did you ever just sit down and work out a plan together of who does what, saying you can’t do it all? Sometimes you really have to spell it out. Yes, he should just see what needs helping with but they don’t!

If you’ve tried this and he really doesn’t want to change then I guess you will know that he simply doesn’t care and if it was me, I would leave.

So sorry to hear some of you have been through the same and still are. It makes me realise how chronic prolonged stress really impacts on your mental health and I often think I’m going to become unwell if I carry on like this. I realise why some women become so overwhelmed they can’t function any more.
I get agitated now which is an emotion I’ve never really felt before, I’ve always felt very calm. Obviously my husband puts this down to ‘hormones’ but I’m very aware it is his behaviour causing it.
Yes it’s become normal in the home for me to do everything and I’ve been too passive. I have to change something as I can’t carry on like this as I know I will become unwell. I am planning to suggest we talk about our relationship and whether these problems are actually solvable. If he doesn’t listen then I’ll suggest a trial separation.
If I carry on like this I’m going to end up an angry person and then I look like I’m the bad mother and the one with the problem.
Thank you for all your advice. I really appreciate all your replies as it helps me gain some perspective xx

@littleruby

Yes it's the resentment that I am struggling with the most. I just don't understand how someone can lie in bed so engrossed in their own world whilst their other half is really struggling with not only the children but also unwell. I just can't get my head around how you can treat someone like that. I've worked so hard to look after the children and keep everyone happy , I think it's now that I've become ill that I realise I can't keep on like this and I realise how selfish he is. And I only have hopefully a temporary illness. If I was seriously unwell I honestly think he'd just be angry that there was no one to get up in the morning with the kids! Or now they're at an age he'd most likely just tell them to sort themselves out I suspect... Yes I agree I don't like the sort of image this projects to the children either. I think they should see parents supporting each other, not a mother run ragged and a father then shouting at her when she asks him to help

I know why - it's because your husband neglected to tell you that he had 1950s expectations. And why on earth would he have been honest about that with you? A lot of women would simply run in the other direction and so these types men keep it quiet until it's too late. That, and possible a dose of selfishness and maybe lazyness.

With men like this, they decide in their heads that housework and child rearing is entirely the women's responsibility, and if she wants to work, then that's her choice you see. This is especially the case is the man earns a lot more - he simply won't see the point of her working and thinks it's some kind of tiresome self-indulgence that he has no plans to support. Therefore, he doesn't mind seeing her struggle because it's her choice to be struggling with all of that. No one is making her put all of that on her plate. She could simply reduce her hours or not work at all......but of course he has no plans to do the same as he would find that preposterous, emasculating, and he knows it would make him financially vulnerable to cut back on working like that.....but it's ok for women to do that.....because it's the woman's role in life to do this.

I'm not sure if your husband would see himself as selfish - it's likely he will simply see you as not performing your womanly, motherly duty properly and he has to indulge and tolerate you not coping with everything perfectly out of your own choosing.